LQ: A Great Deal More About 'And'

We used to think that if we knew one we knew two because one and one are two. We are finding that we must learn a great deal more about 'and'.

- Sir Arthur Stanley Eddington

...he was an astrophysicist. Surely he had a better clue. What is between two people: their hopes/wishes/dreams, experiences, fears, loves, perceptions...for a start. So many factors go into joining two separate people.

I had an IM discussion with Rob today (other than about exercise) which spanned a couple of hours in between actual work. We were discussing relationship personalities and relationship dynamics. He's lived a little and is on his second marriage. Mind you, he is in IT and he tends express himself in mathematical terms. I condensed just his answers:

in any pairing.. there is a cumulative score...this score is based on a ton of factors...genetic compatibility..basic compatibility.. (in the case of a male.. ability to provide = $$)...all sorts of metrics go into this…now.. for hypothetical sense...woman A..man B...WA meets MB...WA subconsciously sizes up MB... score=7..MB subconsciously sizes up WA.. score=7...seems like they are on equal playing field, right?..however there is a whole other set of dynamics that are happening..MB believes (again subconsciously) that hey is a score 5 & WA believes she is a score 8…now while they make actually sit at 7s..they have a disparity of perceived equivalence...so WA thinks she is slightly dating down.. 8>7 and MB think he is dating up 5<7..here is where things get interesting.. and I have built this model over several years and a multitude on my own and others relationships...if there is a subtle difference in the perceived "value" things are ok...in general perceived is the only thing that matters at this layer…if there is a large difference in the Perceived Value... problems begin...in this example.. WA would expect that MB should be pretty motivated to treat WA well.. he is on the short end of the stick...but what happens is the opposite...because MB perceives a great delta (5<7) he goes from treating her well.. to treating her very poorly..his behavior is driven to reduce her over all confidence and self esteem.. in an effort to reduce that perceived delta...make sense? there are a number of different combinations..[[Sarah says: bringing her down to his level.]]..exactly..wife beater 101

Rob referenced another conversation we had recently:
strong men.. like strong women…strong men and women tend to have a better perception of what there "value" is...

Sir Eddington had a point. Damn that 'and'.

LQ: A Great Deal More About 'And'