I really despise Christmas as a season.
(waiting)
(still waiting)
Whew! I didn't get struck by some supernatural bolt of Christmas judgement. I guess it's okay to express my discontent. My close friends can almost start watching a particular point in the calendar where my gloom sets in. It is usually late September to mid-October. I just get freakish thinking about the season's impending arrival. My throat starts to contrict as if some imaginary boa is squeezing hard enough to keep me alive to witness it all. My intestinal fortitude carries on like a live wire whizzing back and forth on a deserted street while sparks of helpnessness spew forth.
In my (almost) 36 years, I can count on one hand how many memorable Christmases I've experienced. Only one stands out with family and it's not even my immediate own. The rest are with dear friends. What made them stand out was the sense of freedom I felt in the celebration. No pressure...just free-flowing fun and the freedom to express my love to them. Tears are pinpricking my eyes as I type. Please God help me hold them at bay while I finish this damned soul vomiting.
I will say that I am getting better at handling the whole thing. This year is actually the best since 1989. Eons ago, I know. Work with me. It's not easy holding together threads of insanity from a ball of yarn that has many threads sticking out. Each one you pull may be your final undoing. How does it go? Knit one, Purl two...
The most hypocritical way I have found to deal with Christmas is to fight it head on. I now have my yearly handmade ornament exchange the Sunday before Thanksgiving which forces me to decorate like mad and plan an over the top brunch. I really give Martha a run for her money. Yes, dammit, my candles are floating in cranberries in a bit of water! I have a 6-ft artificial tree with 1300 lights, fairy lights in some places which is how I like to think about them. I've had to serve notices to Tampa International Airport so they are sure not to mistake the glow coming from my apartment. Diverted airplanes can be such a handful.
My days have been flying by like loose confetti in a street parade. Only I haven't been paying attention to the floats, the band and the glittering tiara and flowing gown of the parade queen. Oh...no wonder -- the queen is in drag. Another fake.
All is not lost. I did have another holiday party which brought some really great vibe to my place. Maybe I should have one every weekend? It is costly in energy and in the pocket book.
Interestingly enough pixies not elves have been helping my mood along. They've forced me to start feeling alive again. Here I've been trapped in a somnambulistic state of my own casting. My intuitive side is something I try to squelch deep down since I feel things more deeply than most. Little wisps of other people's energy lick my own as I pass them by, trying to tempt me into playing a game I care nothing to engage in. The channels are open more than usual, but I am good with it. Shields up!
I am Winter's Daughter and should be reveling more in the season. It would be easier to attempt if I lived somewhere where the weather wasn't tropical. Maybe turning the air conditioning down lower than 68 degrees might help. I can't wait to see the electric bill! Tampa Electric's favorite customer lives right here.
The gloom is still there, but hiding in the corner while the real me is shining and be a bit more mischievious than normal. That IS the real me -- why do I hide her? I am not ashamed of her, but I do take great pains to protect her from the world. Pixies...that's the answer. I will have to send them an invitation very early next year so Ebeneezer can leave me alone.
Update: Sometimes you just have to express yourself to get things out. I am okay. Y'all know life is not always tinsel, sometimes Rudolph leaves you a warm present. Thank you to the dears who asked about me. Hugs to you!
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