Nietzsche Knows

Cool gusty winds lifted my hair today. (Smiling) I cannot recall the last time that happened...

It has been eight weeks since my last chemo and it was the most difficult one. For four additional hours I was subjected to a two-pint blood transfusion. My lower back was also a spasm of pain most of the day which caused me to adopt different positions to try and relieve it without taking pain medicine. Even knowing all this, I would do it all over.

Steroids were again a part of my chemo care regimen. It came with baggage though -- an extra 25 pounds of weight on my body on top of the weight I need to lose. Since re-joining Weight Watchers eight weeks ago, I have lost 15!

My health motto taken from a shirt on bodybuilding.com is "Rise from Weakness". Last year's chemo recovery was not easy so I took a time off this time around two weeks ago to try and make my way to the gym to restart a weight lifting regimen with my coach at 5am. Yes, 5! A nasty alarm wakes me up at 4am Monday through Friday so I can get geared up and eat a pre-workout snack of one banana and seven pieces of raw almonds plus water. Oh yes -- my mouth looks like it is filled with Chiclets when I smile at my Jamaican coach each morning. The joy I feel is immense even when my muscles protest from underuse and chemo recovery...

My home address is new but I have not moved. The emergency network insisted on my apartment complex updating their address system to make it easier on them in case they are needed. A mobile vehicle from the Department of Motor Vehicles was parked in my parking area for everyone to change their driver's license (for free!) to reflect the change of address. I wanted to change my address earlier this year, but this is not exactly what I had imagined.

On the same vein, my UK company has sold off the Healthcare division. I was a casualty of the split that will be finalized in November. My job was moved to the Healthcare side as part of the divestiture. I get to drive to work in the same building but just work under a new company name and with a new manager yet to be named. Mind you, I started out at the Healthcare division and I have been supporting them for six years so the change is more paperwork than anything. I am still happy.

My bigger personal projects are still simmering on the burner; however, I am very proud to inform you that I completed my first quilt. Buoyed by this accomplishment, I also designed and put together a bed scarf as well as recovered my frou-frou pillows to match my new duvet set. I may have finally conquered my fear of sewing!

Sigh.

For now I have to concentrate on my job and improving my health. A quote from Nietzsche sums it up, “He who has a why can endure any how." My whys are worth every step no matter how small or difficult. I think of that each time I see my hair and wince. It has grown much longer, but chemo thinned it out by more than half. Through the magic of a curling iron, brush techniques and a fumigation of hairspray, I still manage to receive compliments on it from strangers. If they only knew how I cannot wait to have my full crown again. I need a bigger crown to rule over Sprinklesville! Ha. My hair is coming back more and more each day judging by the havoc the wind did on it today. It was a nice reminder that things are coming along nicely.

Love,
Sarah

Nietzsche Knows

Channeling Churchill

Once again, I am "greeting inevitability with a smile". My new chemo treatment begins this coming Friday, April 22nd. Accepting this next phase has been more difficult than I thought it would be.

Wednesday was my appointment with my surgeon and his team to discuss my chemotherapy treatment. I reminded him about the allergic reaction in Cycle 6 to Carboplatin, one of the cocktail ingredients of last year's treatments. He then made the decision to treat me with Cisplatin. I started to laugh when he said this particular drug causes kidney damage and more nausea. Oh, joy.

We also discussed the after care drugs. I told him I would rather do the same surgery we just did than take the after care drugs that messed with my brain days after each chemo treatment. He said it would have to be discussed with the pharmacist and the nurse. All in all my surgeon foresees me doing well especially when he reminded me how sick I was last year when I went through treatment. It was not a total comfort to me. Things got more upsetting when the pharmacist came to discuss the chemo drugs.

A specialized pharmacist bearing short pretty bobbed blond hair and a cheery patterned dress with a sweet angelic face came to see me. No, her heavenly presence did not diminish the gravity of her words. She confirmed the Cisplatin causes kidney damage and more nausea. I then asked her how would we know? Would I pee blood? "No," she says -- "It will show up in the blood work." Great, a silent killer. More assurances of being able to reverse or stop the side effects spilled from her mouth. Oh yes -- there is also a chance of some hearing loss. Sigh. What about the Gemzar portion? What exactly does that drug do? In her calm angelic way, "It messes with your RNA and DNA....to stop things from growing." Goddamn it, are you fucking kidding me?! (Remember...all these drugs are poisons designed to treat cancer.)

Next my surgeon's specialized nurse came in. We discussed the aftercare drugs and my feelings on it in great detail. They looked at the dosage prescription for the chemo which was surprisingly lighter than they thought. Instead of having two drugs for after chemo drugs, I will have four drugs staged to minimize nausea and brain fog. Later I found out that instead of paying about $12 every three weeks, I will be paying $70+ because one drug is not standard and my insurance company will not cut me a break on pricing.

I must must must remember I am being treated in the No. 4 ranking facility in the U.S. and that my surgeon is the best in the department. I must must must also remember that I am in a better place than last time. My new scar has healed nicely and looks fabulous. Hell, I look fabulous thanks to more weight loss and my determination to look extraordinarily normal and beautiful. I will experience some hair loss, but not a total one like last year which is a plus if you're trying to retain your own beauty during chemo.

There was one unexpected news... Tab has gotten engaged and is getting married today. After I told him off in December to stop our association even as friends/acquaintances, his now wife has managed to be employed in my company in the same building starting while I was out on medical leave. Of course, being the Class A Jerk he is, he also managed to instant message me last Monday to "say hello". He didn't know I already knew of this new development prior to my first day back to work so I made sure to make a preemptive strike and ask him how she enjoyed her new employment and commented on her engagement ring I saw earlier in the day. His response was dead silence for several moments until he recovered and prattled on and on regarding his new wonderful life. I wasn't so accommodating. He soon lost interest and was tired of getting insulted. (For some reason, he keeps coming back for conversation when he thinks my temper has cooled off. He banks on my forgiving nature.) Two great things came out of this: 1) I feel nothing when I see his fiance/wife and 2) I felt more of nothing when he contacted me. Hooray for Sprinkles!

Quilting...yes, I have taken it on. Since I cannot practice my other womanly arts (wink), I might as well take on a more leisurely one. Last weekend, I took a road trip with Kimmee and Quilting Cathy to shop four quilt shops where fabric was a calming drug. I am halfway through my first one. That one is being named "Manila Sunrise". A pic will be posted when it is completed.

It is near noon... I should make a nice lunch and work my plans for preparing for chemo, minimizing side-effects from chemo and getting through it. My surgeon wants to do 6 cycle sets which should have completion in August. My support system of family and friends keeps me going when I start to have doubts. I am often reminded that I am important to many people.

It is essential for you to know that I am doing great; I just have to dig deeper in my faith to keep my smiles. Luckily, the well is Infinitely Deep and will not ever run out as long as I never, never, never give up. Think Churchill.

Love and Blessings,
Sarah Sprinkles
xxoo

Channeling Churchill

Lucky Mark

On Saturday morning, I was receiving a pedicure from Mary at the nail salon, when she said something in Vietnamese and then restated it in English about me being lucky because of the mole she'd never noticed before on the bottom of my left foot. It is? Cool. I feel lucky...

The words you have not read from me lately have been caged by time, not having enough of it. Work has enslaved me not to mention my social butterfly ways, my new hobby of quilting that I am learning from Kimmee and friend Cathy, my 5am killer workouts at the gym monitored by my awesome Jamaican-6% bodyfat-60ish male coach and by my deja-cancer surgery. Okay, the last part is in a few days.

The question "Are you fucking kidding me?" was something I repeated over and over last month in my surgeon's office. No, he wasn't. The rise in my protein test (CA-125) alarmed my doctor and had him ordering a CT scan of my abdominal area. That revealed an inflammation of two lymph nodes that were not there before. That was followed by a biopsy taken through my back with long needles.

Can you imagine Sprinkles recently napalmed (chemo) body being suddenly invaded by small tumors in her periaortic lymph node and the left lymph node side of her groin seven months later? Me neither! The good news was chemo, but the bad news was another surgery because of having to take another set of weeks off from work. I won't know if I am to lose my hair again. Testing of the tumors will determine that course of chemo. The hospital stay will be 4-6 days and I will continue recovering at my aunt's home for a week or two.

If you're feeling sad, please don't. I cannot wallow in self-pity because I am not a victim or live life with a victim mentality. God doesn't promise you will not go through fire, but he promises you peace if you will accept it as you walk through it. I have that peace and it feels so incredible. No, I am not impervious to the news, but I have accepted it.

What I first thought of as a set-back because of the physical strides I've made will be a set-UP instead. The hard work at the gym will make my recovery that much more bearable and quicker. My gym coach and I have a workout date as soon as I can manage it after the first or second chemo. These treatments will probably commence three weeks after my surgery. I will rise from weakness. There is no choice.

Meanwhile, I will be wrapping things up at work before they disable my access to the network. In a few minutes, my special "Team Sprinkles" surgery day labels will be wrapped around short 8-oz water bottles I am giving out while I am in the hospital to go with my special "Team Sprinkles" candy favor giveaways. Some people have wedding favors, I have surgery favors. That's how Sprinkles does it. I turn everything into some fun marketing opportunity. There will also be a tray of sinful chocolate cupcakes for my peeps to nosh on while I am in surgery and recovery. It can be breakfast food. (grinning widely)

Almost forgot...today I received good news about my thyroid. I spent the middle of the day giving vials of blood, having an ultrasound and meeting with my throat doc. The nodules are stable and I will see a different doctor in 6 months for monitoring purposes. Yeah, baby!

If you remember, please send me happy thoughts on Thursday morning. I have to check in at 5:15am and surgery is scheduled around 7:15am. Early bird day for several of us.

Love and Luck,
Sarah

Lucky Mark

Remission

THIS IS THE LETTER MY DOCTOR WILL BE RECEIVING NEXT WEEK ALONG WITH A CARD.

-----------------------------------------
July 21, 2010


Dear Dr. R-----:

This note is from the “groovy girl” who has brought you decadent treats during her last three cycles of chemo…

Today you said that words that have affected me more than anything you’ve said to me in the last six months, “You’re in remission.” I knew that would be the case, but hearing the words from you still stunned me. You’re very lucky I didn’t grab and hug you as was my first instinct. I saved you from awkwardness by reminding myself that you most likely appreciate your patients better under anesthesia. I don’t think it is because you’re afraid to connect with your patients, but because it is easier to deal with the facts of science and lab results rather than the emotional product of your findings and treatment options. The cerebral part takes over because it is what helps cure your patients. This was good because I didn’t need you to coddle me. I needed concrete facts to distance the emotional side as well.

At 39, I never expected to have cancer. Who does, right? I have approached my cancer with a project plan so I could keep the focus on what I needed to do to have minimal side effects and how to manage my energy each day. There was also an edict to my family and friends that I would go through everything with humor. That is where being “chemo sexy” and living the “glamcer (glamorous cancer) life” have come from. Even my chemo sessions were “happy hours” because you gave me “chemo cocktails”. The cute names do not by any means diminish the gravity of cancer, but they sure make it more bearable and less frightening. To me, it is what is so why not make it fun? Why be boring? Other people have ‘boring’ covered. You don’t even know the half of the crazy things I came up with to cope. Even my eight-day hospital stay was fun with tons of visitors, cello player, visiting pets and caring expert medical staff! Spending my 39th birthday in a hospital bed was not bad at all.

The first day I met with you was the same day I had my pre-op. A nurse in pre-op said you were chosen for M------. That gave me comfort that I would be in good hands. Nothing like a rock star oncologist, eh? Don’t blush. Your other nurses like you and tell on you. That’s how I knew you loved chocolate. They also said you were a runner which made me feel confident to bring you treats that you could work off. Ha! Besides – I thought how different would it be if your patient gave you something other than a look of apprehension as to how she is progressing.

What am I trying to say with all this? Sometimes doctors do not get a sense of a patient’s real thoughts especially with the quick clinic visits. Getting into my mind involves a few martinis and a bucketful dirty jokes. Once again, I have spared you. Well, good doctor, I want to say thank you for saving me. Thank you for helping me reset my life. I intend to live it with more verve. The serendipitous way I came to M------ is a testament as to how much I am wickedly blessed. You are one of those blessings. I am so lucky!

While I have enjoyed the Brazilian you’ve given me through chemo, I have not liked the Skinderella/Baldilocks hairstyle or the eyelash suicide. So until I see you again for my three-month visit, I am focusing on growing hair.

Thank you,
Sarah

PS Thanks also for saying the toast to my health and favorable CT scan right before my last cycle of treatment. It worked!
-----------------------------------------

Yes, my lovelies -- I am in remission. Thank you for support and prayers. Every little bit helped me heal. xxoo

Remission

Coming of Age

It was the day after my last chemo and I was feeling like other 'Saturdays after chemo'. I needed some assistance driving to attend my goddaughter Cristina's 18th birthday. She and her twin were celebrating across town. Tawny was kind enough to drive us. (Everyone needs a friend like her!)

Here is a pic of gorgeous girls:

(Crystal and Cristina)


It seems like yesterday I held them each in my arms like little burritos. Ha! I am so proud of them. They have one more year of high school. They inherited a learning disability that affected them until about the age of five and held them back one year. With intense education and help, they are up to speed and are smarter than their classmates! They will be attending college for pre-med. This summer will be spent volunteering at their local hospital as part of their scholarship. Like I said, I am very proud of them...

Am I coming of age, too? My chemo is done. I just have some follow-ups to make sure everything is clear -- God willing! I am starting to really take a look at the second half of 2010 since the first half was spent with two surgeries and six rounds of chemotherapy. I feel an intense need to perform and give back. I do have some plans. I just have to get my strength back up to be able to really give them life.

My 40th birthday is coming around in January and I want to be able to say I did something significant or the start of something significant. Yes, I know, I have influenced many people already in my life. I am talking about something special borne out of the ashes I will rise from this year. Can you understand what I am trying to say? I don't want my cancer journey just to be a blip in my life's radar. I want it to end up a beautiful adventure for me and for others. I can't explain it yet maybe. All in good time.

Kisses,
Sprinkles

Coming of Age

Last Love Infusion No. 6

My last chemotherapy was today and I almost could not believe it. I can take down the countdown counter I've had for almost three months on the right hand margin of my blog. It was a day for extra adventures for sure!

I got up at 5am, got ready and wrapped the cake pops I made for my surgeon before making breakfast for my aunt who stayed over and Tawny who came at 7:30am. As we were walking out, my aunt was distracted from the large leaf plants outside my apartment and then took a tumble on the pavement. She nearly gave me a heart attack! She was okay and mainly felt bad because I gave her such a worry that I was raising my voice at her (with curse words) on the way to the cancer center. Tawny was the referee and told me to pipe down as I drove us which was only less than 10 minutes away.

My blood was taken for the tests results my doctor would see an hour later. We went to get my refill for aftercare meds and then we sat by the cafe for a few minutes before the research worker found me and said if I checked in early I could get done in time so that I could have my stress test in time. She admitted she had to go a wedding a few hours away that evening and had to be on a time schedule. I didn't mind because so was I.

Off we went to check in early. A nurse soon whisked me away for vitals and then let me back in the reception area with the girls. We didn't have to wait long for me and my entourage to be escorted to a bigger exam room. A different doctor asked me questions and did the physical exam. She pressed against my lower lymph nodes and I giggled a lot because I am very ticklish which made her giggle, too. For a woman, you'd think she'd be more gentle on parts she has, too! My surgeon has really big hands and I have never felt any discomfort with his physical exams. AND AND AND -- she used latex gloves before I realized it. Guess who is allergic to latex?! She left to get my surgeon so I could complain to the girls.

My surgeon received about 30 cake pops. My aunt helped me make mine with chocolate cake and frosting mixed together, rolled into balls and chilled. Lollipop sticks were then dipped into melted chocolate and inserted into the balls before chilling again. They were then dipped into more melted chocolate and placed into mini-cupcake liners. I found four different colors in a polka dot pattern. These were on a tray to let set overnight.



In the morning I packaged them in to cellophane bags and put silver twisty ties on them. I also added another layer of mini-cupcake liner before packaging them for aesthetic reasons.



This is the end product my surgeon received. I placed some red crinkly paper inside a red tin before placing 30 cake pops inside. A giant cellophane bag for baskets was then wrapped around the tin and then adorned with the red with white polka dot satin ribbon. My surgeon loved it!



Tawny and I had stopped at Ikea on Wednesday night to get an apple-flavored sparkler drink for our faux champagne toast today. I had to take this picture after we got back home. Sometimes the big events in your life is about creating an "experience". I know today I created an experience for me and perhaps for the first time for my surgeon. How many patients would think to bring faux champagne and plastic champagne glasses to celebrate her last chemo? He did the honors of toasting us. I loved it!



I had my stress test which went well. My entourage looked on while I was hooked up to various electrodes and breathing masks Afterward, we picked up lunch from the cafeteria on the premises to bring back upstairs outside the chemo section. We wolfed down our lunch because we were hungry and everything was good. I was happy to not to have to rush my lunch for once before my chemo. You may recall that I am usually rushing against the anti-histamine drugs before my chemo cocktails. It makes me sleep no matter how hard I fight it.

Here are some views I will not miss:

This is the area of my port on my upper left chest. A one-inch needle is inserted and connected to tubes that is connected to other tubes for my chemotherapy.



These are my actual chemo cocktails. Two bags come before these for pre-meds. The total actual drip is 4.5 hours except today. More on that later.



These machines keep track on how much time is left and beep if there is anything wrong or when the bags are empty.



This was a view from my chemo chair as evidenced by my running shoes. The chair across the way is what the chemo patients sit in. I need two pillows to sit comfortably -- one for my lower back and one for my head. The chairs recline to give your legs support, too.



Halfway through my last bag of chemo, I had an allergic reaction that could have been really serious had my nurse not come by for me to ask about the temperature of the building. I was felt hot. I then told her I felt like I could breathe through my nose, like I had a cold. My chest was heavy. She asked me if it was getting better and I said no. She stopped my chemo and gave me oxygen tubes for my nose.

My nurse ended up calling my surgeon and he said to stop it completely and give me some more of my pre-meds for the allergic reaction. (This particular cancer drug shows some allergic reaction in some patients during the seventh cycle. Super overachiever that I am, showed it in cycle six.) I told her I needed to empty my bladder which she said would give her enough time to get another IV bag set-up. Another nurse escorted me to and from. When I got back my aunt was sitting in the chair with a worried look in her face. (I could only have one guest at a time so Tawny and my aunt took turns keeping a vigil or sat outside together why I slept through my chemotherapy.)

My face had been swollen and flushed. Within minutes of receiving the anti-inflammatory drugs, I was relieved to breathe some and the heaviness in my chest was gone! Wow. It was amazing and almost instant relief. The bag was only for 15 minutes. By this time, my aunt had gotten Tawny who was allowed to sit by me. Tawny knew I was getting better when I was giggling again. We stayed an extra 10 minutes just to make sure I was back to some kind of normal.

Tawny drove my car to a Mexican restaurant where we met her husband Jeff for dinner. Jeff left after our dinner to deliver something downtown and us girlies went to my favorite place for boba drinks, slushy fruit drink smoothies with tapioca pearls at the bottom we brought home.

This day went very quickly. My aunt and I talked about the whole day after Tawny left. She spent the night again on my couch. I made it to bed determined to get seven hours of sleep and to take my medications in time in the morning.

My lovelies, I am relieved. I have a CT scan for my chest and abdomen in three weeks to see if there is any cancer left lingering within my body. Another week after that is the appointment with my surgeon to discuss the results. Before that, next week, I receive the results for the thyroid biopsy from this past Wednesday morning. I don't anticipate anything wrong with that. My nodule is 1cm large. When you're a cancer patient and anything else crops up, you can guarantee there will be some kind of further investigation to rule out anything. This is my story and so far I am okay with it.

Thank you for my love and support! I am wickedly blessed.

Love,
Sarah xxoo

Last Love Infusion No. 6

Feeling Good

Changes at work and my feelings of fatigue have kept me from updating my blog. I thought about it each night, but I knew I just had to rest to manage my energy...

Our temp is gone now; her last day was Tuesday. She was re-hired temporarily because I was going through my chemotherapy. I now find myself busier than ever. I would love it extra if my brain and fatigue would cooperate, but I just do the best I can.

For the past three days, I've felt so much better. My good energy has been extended in the evening. You can't imagine how wonderful that is! Yesterday I left work at 7:30pm and still had enough energy to go grocery shopping by myself until 9:30pm. Dinner was served at Sprinklesville at 10pm. Not too bad...

This morning I made the resolve to see my hairdresser Tania so I could get a couple of packages of Korean brand faux eyelashes. She was ecstatic to see me judging by the long hug she gave me. As we talked and I updated her on things, she couldn't keep from hugging me. She ended up giving me four boxes of eyelashes and trimmed my wig a little to her satisfaction for free.



Tania is a very Christian woman. She kept telling me how great I looked and how she could see an inner glow about me. I told her I was wickedly blessed and she agreed. I was humbled when she told me that I have a rare heart especially when I can go through what I am going through and still find a way to give to others. She had no doubt I would receive continued blessings.

My next trip was to the craft shop to buy some components for the gift for my surgeon next Friday, my last chemo. Oh -- I didn't tell you -- Tawny is coming to my chemo along with my aunt. I am very excited to have both family and friends represented. Tawny is working extra hours to make-up for taking the day off. I appreciate her sacrifice for me.

For my last chemo, I am buying some sparkling cider and some plastic champagne glasses to toast with the girls and my surgeon. I can't wait to complete my last chemotherapy, but I am reticent to see how I will feel the following week as the chemicals work through. Sigh. I just have to get through it.

I also have to get a biopsy on my thyroid next Wednesday morning. My primary care determined to rule out anything that may be there. I had my ultrasound at a separate facility last Tuesday morning and in the afternoon I received a call from my primary doctor's office with the recommendation. Many people have benign nodules on their thyroid. I am releasing my feelings on the outcome whatever it may be. There is no reason to worry about something I know nothing about right now. I just make the necessary appointments and show up.

This evening was time for some fun. Jeff and Tawny came over for dinner and Scrabble. I made a creamy lemon garlic chicken with pasta and broccoli and some garlic bread to go along. We feasted like kings! Oh my gosh was everything good. For dessert, I scooped some fudgey chocolate ice cream and for a lame attempt at healthy, I topped each heaping bowl with fresh raspberries. Hee.

We went two rounds of Scrabble. Tawny and I each got to start the board. For some reason, when we start the board we are actually able to branch out, but when Jeff starts the board, we get pigeon holed into a corner of the board. Next time, we are playing with nine tiles each instead of seven to make it more interesting.

This coming week is jam packed with stuff but I will try to update you with something even if it is just with pictures. I am doing mighty fine thanks to your prayers and support.

Love,
Sarah xxoo

Feeling Good

No Denial

Today was the worst day of my chemotherapy history. I woke up with my limbs feeling like they were on fire and movement felt like I was wading through gelatin. I was in pain and I was disoriented. I cried.

I looked at myself in the mirror thinking that today would be the first day I wouldn't put on make-up and eyelashes because of the pain. One long look and I said to myself, "Hell no!". I would do everything I could to dig within myself for the strength and I did.

My first order for the day after struggling to get dressed and made-up was to see my therapist. I had to tell her that I wasn't up to par with my health. She walked with me slowly and allowed me time to get situated. I felt disoriented and extremely exhausted. The session went well and, yes, I cried. We talked about the major hurts or key moments in my lift that affected me. It felt great to unburden myself...to let it all out. Emotional freedom is priceless. I was reticent about checking my make-up in the mirror after our session --- it still looked fabulous! No messy mascara or eyeliner painting me with raccoon eyes.

I drove to work instead of going home as a normal person would have. I just kept digging for Divine Strength. Being at work was difficult. I suffered from pain, exhaustion, dizziness, hot flashes, a buzzing in my brain when I didn't have dizziness and vision impairment akin to having flashbulbs going off in your face. I walked along walls with one of my hands hovering over them in case I lost my balance. Chewing my lunch was painful but I managed to finish. I could not deny I was feeling unwell and put up a brave or sunny face. At some point, I had to ask Michelle in front of me to get me water. I couldn't believe my body was reacting to the chemo coursing through my body this way. Thank God the afternoon progressed for the better before I picked up Tawny at her work at 5pm.

Why is it I am always surprised when I feel unwell? I guess I am used to being a force majeure where I just do things without thinking of limitations...when I am of my right or confident mind, that is. Truly -- it is always news to me when I wake up feeling extra unwell or feeling exhaustion just by walking from my car in the garage to arriving at my desk on the 8th floor of my building. My friends remind me that I am going through chemotherapy for Stage III Ovarian Cancer. It is not that I forget -- believe me! -- I am just not allowing it to run my life. I am not it and it is not me. My mind is a 'go' even if my body is protesting along the way. Some time very soon my body will be mine again.

Hugs,
Sprinkles

No Denial

Worth It?

I looked at my face this morning with dismay. It was literally a white canvas. My porcelain features blurred among each other. There were barely any telltale signs of my eyes other than two dark brown eyes staring back wondering what the hell had happened. You can't imagine how much eyebrows and eyelashes matter in outlining your facial expression. My skin was so pale from lack of sun and the chemo was probably not helping. I almost cried at the effort it took to reveal the face that is mine through powdered colors, kohl and faux eyelashes. My body tired easily and my vision a bit strained. I wanted to break the mirror in front of me.

Like I always do, I managed to keep my composure and finish dressing. No one would guess I am a cancer patient at first or second glance. No one would guess at the effort it took to not look like that now. I often wonder how my friends who don't wear make-up would handle having an anonymous pallor. Would they give up? Would they try to find themselves in the mirror? Would they just not think about it all? I think about it all the time. For me, I am still a vibrant woman inside and I want to show it. GLAMcer. There is something to be said about sex appeal even if it is only for yourself...

Our network has been intermittent at work for a week now and today it was confined to my side of the 8th floor. The first half of the day was wasted not doing much but trying to get connected. Just as well. I kept getting dizzy spells and my brain was fuzzy still. Managing my energy was a challenge. When I went to the restroom, I walked close to the walls for fear of falling. People were supportive and knew I had just gone through my fifth chemo appointment last week. They, too, were happy that it is almost at an end. I am just happy I made it home okay and was able to make dinner for myself this evening.

I am dizzy right now and may not be able to proofread this post well. You'll pardon the errors? On top of that, I am now experiencing a hot flash as I type. Goddammit -- as difficult as today is, I know this is all worth it. In a couple of months, I will have a ghost memory of how I feel at this very moment.

Hugs,
Sarah

Worth It?

Love Infusion No. 5

Unsure of how I felt today, I continued as if I were sure of myself and how I would deal with my fifth and second to final infusion of chemotherapy...

I got up and took my water pill before getting online to read a bit and getting on facebook to update "my status". For my breakfast, I ate a chopped avocado like cereal by adding almond milk and two tablespoons of agave nectar (low glycemic sweetener). Then it was time to take a shower.

At 6:30 I received a knock on my door. It was my uncle who had come to pick me up. He was an hour early! OMG. My aunt told him the wrong time. I still had to put my make-up on, get dressed, vacuum, and make sure I prepare my bag for the day. Sigh. No worries. I adjusted. I decided to skip vacuuming and made my uncle some fresh coffee instead. He drank coffee and watched the news while I got myself together.

My uncle was not spending the day with me at the cancer center -- just giving me a ride. This would cause me great stress as I would worry if he was entertained enough or was eating enough. I turned down Tawny's husband's offer to take me, too, as I would feel the same way. I was stressed when he took me for Love Chemo #3. He was working part of the time during the day and I got worried if he was missing something important when we moved from one part of the building to the next as we progressed through my day at the cancer center.

Men get bored easily and need constant forms of stimuli as well as usually have some form of Attention Deficit Disorder. I don't want them to feel like martyrs or taking one for team. This is ingrained behavior from childhood...to wait on men. Jeezus -- sometimes I wish I didn't fully nurture this gene, but that's the way it is. Why? Because it is stupid. Good for the men in my life though. Bastards. Ha. OKAY TO BE FAIR -- I treat all my friends/family this way. More on this later...

I carried this basket of cookies as a gift for my surgeon and his staff:




Eight designs and everything on the cookie is edible:



I had the nurse who took my blood draw pick one out. She was working the check-in desk, but took time out to draw my blood at my request. We've gotten to know each other and she gave me a spontaneous hug before I left. It made me smile as I made my way to pick up a refill prescription before a small break at the cafe. My surgeon appointment check-in was 30 minutes away.

Like last time with the bakery box filled with chocolate ganache cupcakes I made, I got curious stares and a worker was curious enough to ask and show the other workers at the cafe. One of the ladies behind the counter wanted me to make one that said CANCER SUCKS. Why the hell would I do that? Yes, we all know it does, but why feed others words that are negative? I am all about moving away from fear and moving towards joy. It can be a difficult journey so I am not adding that ever.

Actually seeing my surgeon was later than I had hoped. I don't like delays. There was no student doctor or any other doctor to see me before my surgeon. He was it and my favorite nurse attending me. (I told my nurse who happens to be Russian all the Russian words I knew and was complemented on my pronounciation -- yay!) My surgeon is very pleased with my progress and seems surprised at the low presence of side effects with the exception of increasing fatigue. He doesn't fully understand how I've taken it on as a project to mitigate the side effects as much as I can through diet, supplements, sleep and behavior modification. I am a research fanatic.

I asked him some questions like:

1) Can I consume alcohol? Yes -- I can have a glass of wine if I want.
2) How long are the chemicals in my system after my last chemo? Six to seven weeks. The fatigue could last much longer. Grrr. I intend to be the exception not the norm thanks to the overachiever I am.
3) Did he enjoy my chocolate ganache cupcakes from the last visit? He looked at me with a half smile and said he very much enjoyed them and said that I definitely have a talent. Gawd..If he only knew the craziness I am capable of at any given moment! He seemed a bit embarrassed which I took as he ate a few too many even though he shared with his staff. There were about 30 of them. LOL

I was worried about my food intake today because it is advisable to have a full tummy during chemotherapy. I had a protein with fiber shake before my exam and ate a special granola bar while I waited to be called for my chemo. Serina didn't come to take my lunch order as she's done for all my treatments so far. I found out later when she came to see me that she was swamped at work. It was no big deal as the infusion center provides bagged lunch choices.

There was a delay for my chemo which I suspected because my surgeon was delayed as well as the floor was short of staff. This both upset and pleased me. It upset me because I wanted to get out at 5pm and pleased because I didn't have to rush through lunch and it had some time to digest. This must be key for when the Benadryl drip was administered, I wasn't as immediately sleepy.

Before my "chemo cocktails" were facilitated, I wrote my friend Jill a note and placed it on the counter next to me with a bottled water, one of my cookies and a small piece of chocolate. It was waiting for her when she arrived at 1:30pm when I was already asleep. (See what I mean about nurturing????? I always think of ways to make feel people appreciated and special. What you give out to the universe is what you get back. I get back a ton!)

After a bathroom break during my chemotherapy, I was able to see my fellow GLAMcer friend sitting in one of the infusion chairs. I visited for about five minutes. She gave me her professional card and added her e-mail and cell phone number. We are going to make walking dates after work since we work around the same area AND we live near enough. Talk about cool bananas!

During Jill's visit, I managed to stay awake longer than previous times. We laughed a lot. She was stunning as always. She left at 4:30pm to pick up her kids. It was like the changing of the guard. Serina came for a short spell at the same time. I urged her to go home and wash the day off with a shower. She looked exhausted and frustrated. Serina received two cookies to take home.

All my drips were finished by 5:30pm. My aunt and uncle were waiting for me outside. They drove me home and stayed a little over an hour. My uncle looked tired from waking up too early and from his exercise at the gym. My aunt brought me some food so I wouldn't have to cook that night or a few more meals. She is very sweet. I brewed them coffee and gave them a piece each of the cookies I made which makes the amount of cookies Sprinkles has in her home to zero.

I spent the evening reminiscing about the day and just relaxing. Ended up snoozing on the couch for a few hours before washing the day away. I wholeheartedly recommend taking a shower at night every night to wash any negative energy you've taken on throughout the day whether that is contact with other people or of your own doing. Why would you want to take all that crap to sleep and marinate in it? Of course, I take a quick shower in the morning, too. It just makes me feel good.

Overall, my day was great! Thanks for all your facebook comments & facebook private messages and supportive e-mails, my lovelies. Every bit helps me get through the day.

Hugs and Kisses,
Sarah Sprinkles

PS...My friend Jill said something more unusual than she does. When she opened the package of cookie and tasted it. She said it reminded her of me. Huh? She said she could close her eyes and immediately knew it was me. The flavoring she was tasting were vanilla and almond extracts. The cookie itself was not overly sweet because of the added royal icing or hard sugar icing on top, but there was definitely butter. Hee.

Love Infusion No. 5

Lash Suicide

It is official. My eyelashes are committing suicide. Thanks to the compound effects of chemotherapy, I am now almost devoid of most of the hair on my body. Should I rejoice and think of it as shedding my coat for the summer?

You're probably wondering why I haven't posted. To be honest, I haven't been feeling well. It is taking me longer to recover and has progressed to an extra 7-8 days than normal recovery. Today was the first day I felt more like myself. It is disheartening but I know it is temporary. I just have to make it through two more chemo sessions next month.

I saw my shrinky dink last Tuesday and that time is helping me tremendously. The doctor gave me another assignment. I am to write down all the hurt I have experienced. Mulling through the pain is not the idea, but to write down incidents. I can handle that since our sessions have revealed that I am not dealing with the emotional side of cancer. We are tackling different areas of my life to get to that point...kinda working from the start to get to the present.

Another revealing thing is that I don't share deeper thoughts with my support team because I feel guilty for dumping on them. Sometimes when I talk to Angie, I can tell the things I talk about maybe too heavy for her to handle or maybe it is just me? I don't know. Don't get me started on Tawny -- I've hardly shared anything with her lately because I feel tremendous guilt for leaning on her when her health hasn't been stellar and the fact that she has already given so much right after my surgery. Kathy's been there to listen but I still don't share everything. I tend to keep things inside my head.

Sometimes I think that my support team all live too full lives to listen to things that may be bothering me now and they are too emotionally connected to me to have answers. Face it -- no one prepares for cancer. It is not subject matter that makes people happy. Now I have my shrinky dink and I can dump on her as well as get the answers I am in search of when we meet every two weeks.

I also saw my primary care doctor the same day for refills on my water pills, to get high blood pressure medication and to discuss what the cardiac surgeon saw on my CT scan in regards to my thyroid when I went to the emergency room last month. Everything was addressed but the thyroid because they didn't receive a copy of the scan in time. More blood was taken and the results have since come out clear. That's good. I will have to call this doctor again next week about the thyroid.

God... Talking about medication and cancer shit does get old. I can't help discuss them because they are what is going on in my life. The days that I no longer have to focus on them cannot come soon enough. Watching my hair grow after this summer will extend those thoughts a little longer I'm afraid.

For now my wig hides my bald head. My faux eyelashes and darker eyeliner keep my eyes visible. The make-up keeps me looking glamorous and healthy. My friend Dianne told me this evening how jealous she was at how fabulous I looked with my make-up and faux hair. I am doing everything I can to hide my anonymous pallor. Luckily, I haven't lost my humor about things. Crying about them seems like a waste of time. Someday this will all be a faraway dream.

Missed you,
Sprinkles xxoo

Lash Suicide

Love Chemo No. 4

I looked forward to today. My BFF Kathy was visiting from Jacksonville the whole weekend. She came in last night and was ready to help me with anything we may encounter at the cancer center. I had to feed her a hearty breakfast first, of course. LOL

Kathy had her laptop case, her handbag and my chemo bag filled with bottled water, snacks for her and my notebook calendar. I carried my own handbag and the most precious cargo of all: chocolate ganache cupcakes I made from scratch the night before. Sorry I didn't take any pics. The cake itself was chocolate and frosting was made of heavy cream and semi sweet chocolate chips with some instant coffee. I made 36 cupcakes. Kathy and I split one for quality control purposes, I brought Serina four and 31 made it into a bakery style box complete with multi-color French-wire ribbon bow on top.

What I found most curious of all was that people's heads would turn as I carried this box around before I visited my doctor. Once at a cafe table in between appointments, I opened the box to check my little temptations and two people stopped next to me to peer in. Talk about being nosy. It served them right to catch a whiff of the chocolaty goodness without getting any. LOL

My appointment with my doctor went very well. Based on my blood tests and a cancer test, I seem to be healthy. I know -- I couldn't be happier!!! We're not out of the woods yet. I have to combat or minimize the side effects I am still experiencing in between treatments. The biggest one is weight gain due to the steroids as well as the leg swelling. Ugh. I just have to tough it out. The last two treatments are next month.

My doctor very much appreciated his box of goodies I gave him and would share with his staff throughout the day. I found out that he has a sweet tooth he won't admit to and he loves chocolate. He is very thin and runs twice a day -- he can afford a couple of temptations.

Another thing that struck me today was how many people remembered and greeted me from my nurse at the blood draw to the clinic workers and in the infusion center. It made me feel welcome. I even got to say hello to the chemo patients I had seen before. It was all very family like. I was proud to be able to share the whole experience with Kathy.

Serina came and took our lunch order and made sure to leave with her own loot of cuppy cakes. She visited me again later in my chemo chair after my three hour nap. I couldn't stay awake too long so I went back to sleep for a bit.

Kathy confessed to me that her throat got lumpy when she saw the nurse hooking the tubes to the other tubes sticking out of my chest from the port. I guess it made the process very real to her. I am in awe of her strength and generosity to be with me. My day at the center was great and passed without incident.

I felt hyper after the day at the cancer center so we drove miles up the interstate to a Korean restaurant for some yummy healthy food. For dessert, we went to my happy place for bubble drinks. Kathy had coconut taro flavor and I had my jack fruit with mango jelly. By the time we got to my apartment, Kathy was ready to sleep in the airbed that she had spread out the night before in the middle of my living room floor. I was in no such hurry to sleep, but I did in deference to her. The poor thing had traveled almost three hours the night before after working a full day's work.

So there you are...today was a great chemo day. I was relieved.

Love,
Sarah xo

Love Chemo No. 4

Three Days

These after chemo meds are like kryptonite on your AGOL. Not only does it cause a mental fog, but as mentioned previously it makes me both hyper and tired. Too tired too really concentrate, but too hyper not to complete chores around my apartment.

On Saturday, I had two visitors. My cousin's wife Michelle visited for a spell while she waited for her daughter to attend a birthday party at a nearby museum. Tawny came by in the evening to drop off some eggs for me after her trip to the grocery store. I cannot drive for four days after my chemotherapy. Maybe the fourth day later in the afternoon if I push it.

On Sunday, I did all my laundry and some light cleaning. It sounds like a lot, but really it wasn't. My body would not allow any heavy duty stuff. I was concentrating on managing my energy for the next day.

Today, I worked from home starting at 7am and ended around 3:30pm. I survived two conference calls at 10am and 1pm. As you know my memory is affected these first days so I had to proofread and write every little thing I did which was good. It helped me to see how productive I was. Maybe I was overcompensating for being at home? I was pleased with my progress.

A nurse was supposed to come see me today. I should have canceled it on Friday while I was at the hospital after my talk with my surgeon, but I didn't. After two calls two my regular nurse to make time after my conference calls, I received a call from a different nurse at 4:30. Really?! She woke me up from a nap and told her it was okay. Upon waking further, I called her office and canceled. She called me herself to salvage the appointment. I said yes, but ended up canceling when she called me at 6:15pm to tell me she was about 20 minutes away. Good grief. I was ready for dinner, my last set of kryptonite meds and a shower to make it an early evening before watching some sitcoms. Urgh.

I called my dad and stepmother to check-in. My dad though in retirement is one of the busiest retirees I know with all the associations and church related activities he takes part of throughout Chicago. He holds high positions in a few. My stepmother is still receiving 1-minute radiation daily on her breasts for breast cancer. She has a couple more weeks to go. Luckily, she gets to avoid any chemotherapy. We both get to exchange stories on our health. It is an odd bonding which has made us the closest we have ever been since she's been married to my dad almost 20 years this year.

Tomorrow I will work from home again just to be safe. My memory will be better but it is my slight hazy vision that makes driving and seeing the road a little challenging. Sunglasses will be in order for sure until Thursday while driving. Thank God my vision for seeing my laptop is great. Don't you wish you could share such fun?

Hugs,
Sprinkles xo

Three Days

Love Infusion No. 3

Knowing that a chemo day was not going to be easy for once didn't make me feel any better. I've known intuitively for weeks it was to be so. With the knowing, I made sure to be up early or my 5am regular time. By the time Tawny's husband Jeff came to accompany me to the cancer center, I had eaten before 6am, but I had waffles, bacon and coffee ready for him at 7:30am. Lunch would be a long way.

I drove us and checked in to have my blood drawn and as usual my port would not give up any precious drop. My right arm was stuck with a needle and another 1" Huber for my port plus a cocktail to loosen up whatever was making it not work for the draw. It would be in preparation for my infusion later. We made our way around the corner to pick up a refill for after chemo meds before walking a full length back to see my surgeon.

My appointment with my surgeon ended up an hour later. He was never that late. I surmised that later when I was told why my infusion was later, too, due to a machine being down for one of my blood tests (which had to be done manually!) that was the cause and he ended up seeing me anyway. This time he had a medical student interview me before she came to get him so she could perform a private exam in his presence. He seemed pleased of my progress and we talked about the issues with my port which he says is not uncommon and attributed my chest pain from recovering from the surgery, etc. We also discussed my wound and gave me another alternative to care for it so I could start fully exercising my lower body.

During all this time, Jeff was able to log into work in the waiting room thanks to the wifi at the center and he was able to find an outlet when his laptop battery was getting low. He didn't end up burning a vacation or sick day thanks to the access. I was happy he had something to occupy himself and a means to IM Tawny and others.

While we waited to be called for my infusion appointment on the 4th floor, I noticed a man in the midst of a complicated cross stitch work. I must admit I was sexist and thought him a gay man at first. Something compelled me to introduce myself and ask if I could snap a pic for my blog to show how others were coping with their chemotherapy and cancer in general.

Here is Dave with his amazing Victorian houses:



Dave ended up a great guy to talk to before we were called in. Jeff was in the corner logged into work and plugged into a different outlet. He was close enough to listen to the conversation.

At 55, Dave was a special case with three different types of cancers; needless to say, he was on a special team. The one cancer has him carrying an ostomy bag that with a permanent marker, he drew a smiley face and words below it that says, "Shit Happens" which caused the nurses and doctor to laugh today when they examined him. He has to go through radiation and chemotherapy, but will get to keep his full head of hair. Lucky duck!

I liked Dave. He talked about his wife and how they use to own a bed and breakfast in St. Petersburg, about an hour away. Dave got his start doing needlework 16+ years ago to pass time away on a ship that transports to the oil rigs in the Gulf of Mexico. In fact, the rig that just blew up was a sister rig to the one he went to before his health issues. He has other needlework projects waiting for him and takes pride in his progress.

We agreed on our approach to cancer -- lots of humor! He said he sat on our side of the waiting room because the other side was filled with "doe in the headlights" type of people. I decided then and there that our side was where the "cool kids were sitting". Yeah!

My little angel Serina took time out from her research schedule to come to sit a while before she took our lunch order. My lunch was a tortilla wrap filled with ham, brie, and apples while Jeff had a zesty buffalo chicken wrap. I was thankfully able to eat mine right before the Benadryl drip took me to sleep. Maybe I woke up twice? I know I woke up when my bladder decided it needed to be emptied. Jeff was not in sight. I figured he was in the waiting room logged into his laptop. When I returned, he was waiting for me. Serina came again -- it was about 4-ish and she stayed a while before she had to pick up pretty dog Belle from doggie daycare. Kimmee was out of town and she was helping care for the pooch.

My last bag of chemicals was completed around 5:45pm making my stay at the hospital almost nine hours. It was a little rough but went quick. I felt groggier and slower than the last time. Jeff was a good cookie and continued to carry my extra bag. Before we left the elevator well on the bottom floor, I could have sworn I saw a red heart sprinkle. How could it have traveled that far from the other building and still exist from mid-January was my first thought? I backtracked. Jeff did too when I told him what I thought I saw. We found nothing. Jeff said it was meant for me only. I smiled at the phantom image. Perhaps a soul letting me know something -- giving me a soul kiss to cheer me?

I asked Jeff to make one stop at a fast food place so I could get a salad for dinner. There was no point in me trying to make dinner for myself as tired as I was this time. Jeff had dinner waiting for him at home with his family. I was grateful he lasted all day. Three more chemotherapy cocktails or "happy hours" to go, my lovelies...

Love,
Sarah Sprinkles xxoo

Love Infusion No. 3

Hidden Bunny

Cancer surgery and chemotherapy have affected and permeated all aspects of my being. From reading my entries since January, you know it all already. Whereas I would have driven to my aunt's home for Easter Sunday dinner today, I was forced to spend the time at home for recovery -- essentially making me a shut-in. Perhaps I could have made the trek, but I am no fool to chance it.

I dressed up a little today anyway instead of being in another set of pyjamas like yesterday. My phone was busy with sending and receiving Easter messages. The meds made me extra sleepy around lunch and I didn't hear my aunt's initial phone call to come over.

My aunt and uncle wanted to come and bring me some cooked food this afternoon so I wouldn't have to cook for a few days. I called them back about a half hour later. They ended up not having a traditional Easter meal either since their grandkids and my cousins came right after church for a two hours before celebrating the other grandma's birthday on the other side of town. My aunt and uncle had not expected the short visit but I know this pleased them immensely.

The food drop off last no more than ten minutes which was okay. I was grateful to see a family member. I then prepared all the food in more manageable and separate containers. My aunt had made beef and broccoli which I know Tawny enjoys so I made her a container for her lunch tomorrow complete with rice and a packet of soy sauce on top of the plastic lid. I texted her of the news...

Bananas. You can buy bananas thinking you can eat the whole bunch before they ripen to that stage that is almost uncomfortable to chew. Today I had three that I couldn't let go another day so I made banana muffins. While baking them in the oven, Tawny texted me that she was on her way over.

Tawny came bearing her own gifts of a plate of traditional Easter dinner and an adorable basket of Easter candies and blue marshmallow peeps:



I was thrilled at the gifts and I am never too old to receive Easter candy baskets. I giggled. Tawny stayed for a little bit to chat and to breathe from her apartment full of her extended family. We also tried out the delicious banana muffins. She went home with her lunch for tomorrow as well as some banana muffins. There was no way I could eat it all and I didn't have any room left in my freezer to store some.

The rest of my evening was making a list and preparing all my stuff for work tomorrow. Took more meds and showered. Now enjoying tea before bedtime. Hope you had a great Easter!

Hidden Bunny,
Sprinkles xxoo

Hidden Bunny

Just Saturday

For me the great thing about my blog is that I get to go back and review how I felt from the first chemo infusion for comparison. This morning felt like my normal day. I popped my after chemo meds for nausea prevention and it didn't make me too tired the whole day which was wonderful!

I treated my aunt to a fried rice breakfast of rice, eggs, garlic and onion with fresh grape tomatoes garnishing the edges of the plate. It was quite pretty and very tasty! She kept saying how she needed to come over more often as she was spoiled. I told her that she always takes care of me and spoils me so it was my turn to do the same for her. My uncle picked her up before noon as they had guests coming over.

The rest of the day passed without any spikes of activity or excitement. I updated my blog and got on facebook as well as texted. Talked to Angie, too. One load of laundry was completed. My mind was filled with thoughts about getting back to work on Monday and how I would manage my energy each day as the chemo works through my body.

I confess it is a bit daunting. My work environment has a changed a little. My boss says not really but he's had three months to get used to the subtle changes where I will see the change in black and white with no gradation. Also, my perspective on life is different. My new goals for my life are being formed each day. Not sure how the two will meld. Like they say, it always works out.

Hug,
Sprinkles xo

Just Saturday

Love Infusion No. 2

Are four alarms enough to make sure your AGOL wakes up in time for her second chemo infusion? Okay, it was a bit overkill, but I didn't make it into bed until 1:30am. In case you needed to know, two alarms were sufficient to get up at 6/6:10am. One to open my eyes and the other to remind me I had to get out of bed and make it up again so the superfluous decorator pillows were displayed nicely over the comforter.

I woke up my aunt at 7am so she could complete her morning regimen. While she did that I prepared her cereal in the bowl, a banana for her to add on the side and some sexy coffee I made. I introduced her to a new brand of almond milk I have fallen in love with for her cereal. Breakfast was eaten and a last minute check-up performed in our bags for snacks and paperwork for the entire day at the cancer center.

Check-in was great. Found out I didn't have to include a co-pay of $30 as my visit was considered a follow-up to my port install surgery. My surgeon was surprised to see me NOT undressed and ordered me to quickly undress for my "cookie" exam. (There is so much I want to interject here -- just snicker with me instead.) When he re-entered the exam room, I was giggling behind the curtain and my aunt on the other side was giggling, too.

My wound no longer needs any covering and I can safely exercise even a bit more strenuously if I want. He said I looked good. Of course, my rock star surgeon -- glamor make-up, sassy wig and scintillating smile makes Sprinkles easier to gaze at. LOL Before I long I had a metal speculum inserted and then his own surgeon's human (ahem) digits. You know. No pain or anything. He was very pleased. He left and came back with a prescription for my return to work on Monday and a reminder that every exam from now on will require a vaginal exam. Well, now. Just of the girls: Isn't like a man to rush you to undress, feel you up all kinds of manner and still leave you unsatisfied? AND I am paying for the privilege. Hee.

My surgeon's nurse met me outside to give me papers for my next appointment. I showed her my chemo candy bracelet on my wrist that says "chemo sexy". She laughed and wanted to show my surgeon. I gave her one to give him which said the same thing and she mentioned that I could sell them downstairs at the gift shop. Maybe later when I can get a schedule together and my online shop is up and running, I can expand. Wild, huh?

I scurried with my aunt to the pharmacy to get my after chemo meds. Instead of paying $20 like last time, my refill together was under $8. We then made it to the fourth floor for my blood draw where I was informed that my appointment was supposed to be downstairs at 7:15am. What?! All of the paper work I have and the automated call confirmed for 9:30am blood draw. Someone had changed the schedule two days ago and never called me. I told the nice lady that I was not dragging my aunt again downstairs after taking her to the other building for the meds. I also informed her I was not happy and for her to figure it out. My scheduling times were meticulously recorded in two places for me not to forget because of my chemo brain which makes my memory a little crazy. A supervisor quickly got me in and then took care of other things for my next appointment.

So......my port was a bit temperamental. I required a 1" Huber needle (read as big ass needle) instead of a 3/4" needle for my port. The nurse had the worst time trying to get blood and had to stick me in the arm with a regular needle for the first draw. I teased her that maybe I received the "dumb ass port" instead of the "smart port". She had me pumping my left arm, coughing, breathing heavily and I even jumped up and down when she had me stand up. We resorted to a plaque clearing solution that had to be administered by a higher ranking nurse so that my port would be ready for my infusion.

While my aunt and I were in the waiting area, I found out that I needed more blood draws for kidney and liver function which were probably ordered by my surgeon thus resulting in my infusion being an hour later. The delay was okay because Serina was coming to get our orders for lunch and we could eat leisurely.

Regarding my Chemo Candy bracelets, I gave one out to a lady in the clinic area. She was very surprised and bemused, but I knew in my heart she needed one. I later felt her gaze upstairs in the infusion center waiting room. I gave out more bracelets in the infusion center to more receptive individuals who smiled and wore them immediately. One elderly lady received hers on her first day of chemo. She was thankful as was her family. I gave one to my needle a nurse and two more to a man and a lady who took their places next to me in the afternoon. Their infusion was only for an hour each, mine was 4.5 hours this time. Serina took one for someone in her office when she came later to check on me. I had two left for the guys. It would seem that the ratio of women to men getting chemo was much higher.

My aunt drove us home and I made us more sexy coffee. We chatted while I cooked some jasmine rice to her liking. She likes the rice drier than sticky like Angie and me. My leftover noodle dish was reheated as a main dish with rice, hot sauce and ponzu sauce. We ate like Filipino princesses!

Tawny came later to visit us and I served us some caramel praline ice cream with chocolate peanut cookie sticks on the side. We dissected the day and laughed like girlies. Tawny eventually left since she had a very early start to her day. My aunt and I chatted the evening away until the day finally caught up on us. We found it hard to keep our lids open.

Love,
Sarah xo

Love Infusion No. 2

A Cut Above

I couldn't remember the last time I left my house without brushing my hair. Seeing the clumps of hair clinging to the brush so easily was becoming more annoying than traumatic so I didn't brush it at all. I hid my head under my cap again before leaving the house.

Jeff and I made our way to the cancer center pharmacist first to drop off my refills for after chemo on Friday. We then went to the floor below to the salon for my shave. I didn't feel sad and I didn't give any tears. There was only a sense of surreal about the whole process. My scalp was tender and that's what I concentrated on.

The salon hairdresser offered to turn the chair so I wouldn't have to see the process but what was the point? I would have to see my bald head eventually. Seeing half my head shaved was weird. The razor could be felt buzzing around my head and I could feel it being moved around. My only thought was that it wasn't me -- it wasn't happening to me but to someone else.

Jeff said it was hard to watch the shave though he knew it was for the best. He agreed to video the floor and the back of my head so I could get snapshots for my blog. Oh -- Serina, Kimmee's daughter came to see me and give support during the whole process. With Jeff, Serina and the salon hairdresser, I was able to get a consensus on how the wig looked after it was styled.

Hair on floor:


Deed done:


My new wig is not me -- I am growing to like it. The following shot is awkward, but I wanted to show you the cut. The bangs came with the wig and were cut further so the whole thing wasn't straight across and some of the long strands in the front were cut more to the shape of my face. Had I kept it, the look would've look harsh. Jeff said the hair make me look shy?? I think that is what he said.



For being there for me, I took Jeff out for lunch and then he accompanied me to the grocery shopping I have been wanting to do for a whole week. I spent $150 but saved $41. My coffers were almost bare and I needed to make sure I have food on hand especially since I will be recovering from my second chemo next week as I try to assimilate back to work.

I took Jeff back home after he helped me carry groceries. There was another errand I needed to complete so I did that while I had my wig on. My wig was replaced with a snood later, but on me it looks an oversized beret with my big head. I am not comfortable yet going without any head covering at home. Seeing my head bare again didn't produce any tears. I was pleasantly surprised that my head shape was actually not bad. My head was not shaved to the skin. It is more like a 5 o'clock shadow which will soon fall out. The scalp is still tender and I was told the sensation will go away.

The shave is done. We can all breathe again. Thanks for all your support through messages on facebook, texts on my phone, e-mails and comments on my blog. All of it helped me get through this difficult stage of my cancer cure. xxo

Love,
Sarah

A Cut Above

Getting Crabby

Have you ever taken one of those packages of shower caps from a hotel along with the free shampoo, conditioner, etc.? I am sure you have taken one or more of something. My fingers were rummaging through one of the containers in my bathroom closet praying for a shower cap. I found one!

As you know my hair strands are committing chemo-kaze by launching themselves from my "no longer developing follicles" to land indiscriminately at a rate of speed that takes my breath away. This morning was the first day I found loose strands on my pillow. That means I can no longer style it at all. I have to avoid brushing it only when necessary. A shower cap allowed me to shower without getting my hair wet. Talk about a lifesaver -- one cheap plastic cap with elastic!

I capped my head again and gently brushed around the cap after getting dressed and putting on make-up. Kathy called me just as I was leaving for my aunt's to arrange to pick up her aerobed. I felt confident in my cap as I went out in the rain with Kathy's aerobed in tow.

My aunt's house was loud with her grandchildren running amok. They provided easy amusement while we waited for our steamed Alaskan crab leg dinner to be ready. My family was crowded around the dining room table. Somehow I ended up between two grandkids I had to assist opening crab legs. This slowed down my crab eating so I was last at the table. My uncle came to see what I was doing while he helped to clean off the table. I told him I was pondering a call I received when I drove up. I received a call that disturbed me because it had caught me by surprise and I was trying to figure out what it meant.

Kathy ended up meeting me back at my place to pick up her aerobed instead of my aunt's. We chatted a while before she made her way back home to Jacksonville. Me? I texted Tawny's husband Jeff to remind him that the salon trip tomorrow was a shave and a wig styling. He is working from home part of the day and accompanying me for my shave. Jeff is a great guy and I am very lucky he volunteered for the job. God knows I would have never asked. Why am I always surprised at the outpouring of support and available help? Maybe it is because I never take that kind of generosity and heart for granted. I do not forget how wickedly blessed I am.

Kisses,
Sprinkles xo

Getting Crabby

Last Dance

You thought you were having a Bad Hair Day? I am just letting you know that I think I win the contest. The picture the other day of my hair was nothing compared to this result after three swipes on partially wet hair this afternoon.



This progression makes today the last official day of me shampooing my hair. I am afraid to dry it since the follicles are no longer how they once were before the chemo. Monday's shave cannot come soon enough. Thanks to my friends and family, I have a full weekend to not think about it too much. One thing is for sure: I will miss the slow dance of my fingers through my hair while I shampoo it. Big Sigh.

Last Dance