You're probably wondering why I haven't posted. To be honest, I haven't been feeling well. It is taking me longer to recover and has progressed to an extra 7-8 days than normal recovery. Today was the first day I felt more like myself. It is disheartening but I know it is temporary. I just have to make it through two more chemo sessions next month.
I saw my shrinky dink last Tuesday and that time is helping me tremendously. The doctor gave me another assignment. I am to write down all the hurt I have experienced. Mulling through the pain is not the idea, but to write down incidents. I can handle that since our sessions have revealed that I am not dealing with the emotional side of cancer. We are tackling different areas of my life to get to that point...kinda working from the start to get to the present.
Another revealing thing is that I don't share deeper thoughts with my support team because I feel guilty for dumping on them. Sometimes when I talk to Angie, I can tell the things I talk about maybe too heavy for her to handle or maybe it is just me? I don't know. Don't get me started on Tawny -- I've hardly shared anything with her lately because I feel tremendous guilt for leaning on her when her health hasn't been stellar and the fact that she has already given so much right after my surgery. Kathy's been there to listen but I still don't share everything. I tend to keep things inside my head.
Sometimes I think that my support team all live too full lives to listen to things that may be bothering me now and they are too emotionally connected to me to have answers. Face it -- no one prepares for cancer. It is not subject matter that makes people happy. Now I have my shrinky dink and I can dump on her as well as get the answers I am in search of when we meet every two weeks.
I also saw my primary care doctor the same day for refills on my water pills, to get high blood pressure medication and to discuss what the cardiac surgeon saw on my CT scan in regards to my thyroid when I went to the emergency room last month. Everything was addressed but the thyroid because they didn't receive a copy of the scan in time. More blood was taken and the results have since come out clear. That's good. I will have to call this doctor again next week about the thyroid.
God... Talking about medication and cancer shit does get old. I can't help discuss them because they are what is going on in my life. The days that I no longer have to focus on them cannot come soon enough. Watching my hair grow after this summer will extend those thoughts a little longer I'm afraid.
For now my wig hides my bald head. My faux eyelashes and darker eyeliner keep my eyes visible. The make-up keeps me looking glamorous and healthy. My friend Dianne told me this evening how jealous she was at how fabulous I looked with my make-up and faux hair. I am doing everything I can to hide my anonymous pallor. Luckily, I haven't lost my humor about things. Crying about them seems like a waste of time. Someday this will all be a faraway dream.
Missed you,
Sprinkles xxoo
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