Sitting in the lobby waiting for my appointment made me a little anxious. I looked around the waiting room and once again didn't see anyone my age. Every patient was over 60 years old. What does this mean? Am I going through something earlier instead of later in my life? I don't know. When my doctor came to collect me, I was relieved to see that I felt immediate ease with her after our introductions.
We went through a questionnaire that I had completed when I arrived. She asked me more questions that would rule out me needing serious help that required being medicated to manage and maintain some sense of equilibrium. She then began to ask me questions where I grew up to now perhaps to get a sense of a time line. For some reason in my head I wanted to scream how there were serious stories in the gaps of time I gave her.
Yes, I cried when I expressed how tired inside I felt. She told me it was okay to have a "suck" day and to not have to qualify everything like "it could be worse or other people have it worse than me". She said I needed to feel more which I told her I didn't want to because that was way too painful. It is easier for me to intellectualize things so I can maintain order. This is something we're going to work on.
After I iterated what my goals were for our meeting, she said we would tackle things in chunks and see each other every two weeks. Did I mention I brought I piece of paper listing those goals as well as outlining my pressures and concerns, etc.? It was almost having my own syllabus for a class. My OCD is part of my infinite charm. It is, I say!
My shrinky dink gave me three assignments until our next meeting. Two of them were: Spending 20 minutes every other day writing down how I feel or anything on my mind. I am not to filter anything and no grammatical corrections, etc. The other is less self-monitoring. Overall, I felt our time together was productive.
The rest of the day at work was very busy. There is a tremendous amount of pressure to perform well right now. I have to wrap things up by Thursday since I have chemo day on Friday. Even though it will be a recovery weekend, I am very much looking forward to spending time with Kathy who will be taking me to my fourth chemo day as well as keep me company during another milestone weekend.
Love,
Sprinkles
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