Remission

THIS IS THE LETTER MY DOCTOR WILL BE RECEIVING NEXT WEEK ALONG WITH A CARD.

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July 21, 2010


Dear Dr. R-----:

This note is from the “groovy girl” who has brought you decadent treats during her last three cycles of chemo…

Today you said that words that have affected me more than anything you’ve said to me in the last six months, “You’re in remission.” I knew that would be the case, but hearing the words from you still stunned me. You’re very lucky I didn’t grab and hug you as was my first instinct. I saved you from awkwardness by reminding myself that you most likely appreciate your patients better under anesthesia. I don’t think it is because you’re afraid to connect with your patients, but because it is easier to deal with the facts of science and lab results rather than the emotional product of your findings and treatment options. The cerebral part takes over because it is what helps cure your patients. This was good because I didn’t need you to coddle me. I needed concrete facts to distance the emotional side as well.

At 39, I never expected to have cancer. Who does, right? I have approached my cancer with a project plan so I could keep the focus on what I needed to do to have minimal side effects and how to manage my energy each day. There was also an edict to my family and friends that I would go through everything with humor. That is where being “chemo sexy” and living the “glamcer (glamorous cancer) life” have come from. Even my chemo sessions were “happy hours” because you gave me “chemo cocktails”. The cute names do not by any means diminish the gravity of cancer, but they sure make it more bearable and less frightening. To me, it is what is so why not make it fun? Why be boring? Other people have ‘boring’ covered. You don’t even know the half of the crazy things I came up with to cope. Even my eight-day hospital stay was fun with tons of visitors, cello player, visiting pets and caring expert medical staff! Spending my 39th birthday in a hospital bed was not bad at all.

The first day I met with you was the same day I had my pre-op. A nurse in pre-op said you were chosen for M------. That gave me comfort that I would be in good hands. Nothing like a rock star oncologist, eh? Don’t blush. Your other nurses like you and tell on you. That’s how I knew you loved chocolate. They also said you were a runner which made me feel confident to bring you treats that you could work off. Ha! Besides – I thought how different would it be if your patient gave you something other than a look of apprehension as to how she is progressing.

What am I trying to say with all this? Sometimes doctors do not get a sense of a patient’s real thoughts especially with the quick clinic visits. Getting into my mind involves a few martinis and a bucketful dirty jokes. Once again, I have spared you. Well, good doctor, I want to say thank you for saving me. Thank you for helping me reset my life. I intend to live it with more verve. The serendipitous way I came to M------ is a testament as to how much I am wickedly blessed. You are one of those blessings. I am so lucky!

While I have enjoyed the Brazilian you’ve given me through chemo, I have not liked the Skinderella/Baldilocks hairstyle or the eyelash suicide. So until I see you again for my three-month visit, I am focusing on growing hair.

Thank you,
Sarah

PS Thanks also for saying the toast to my health and favorable CT scan right before my last cycle of treatment. It worked!
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Yes, my lovelies -- I am in remission. Thank you for support and prayers. Every little bit helped me heal. xxoo

Remission

Worth It?

I looked at my face this morning with dismay. It was literally a white canvas. My porcelain features blurred among each other. There were barely any telltale signs of my eyes other than two dark brown eyes staring back wondering what the hell had happened. You can't imagine how much eyebrows and eyelashes matter in outlining your facial expression. My skin was so pale from lack of sun and the chemo was probably not helping. I almost cried at the effort it took to reveal the face that is mine through powdered colors, kohl and faux eyelashes. My body tired easily and my vision a bit strained. I wanted to break the mirror in front of me.

Like I always do, I managed to keep my composure and finish dressing. No one would guess I am a cancer patient at first or second glance. No one would guess at the effort it took to not look like that now. I often wonder how my friends who don't wear make-up would handle having an anonymous pallor. Would they give up? Would they try to find themselves in the mirror? Would they just not think about it all? I think about it all the time. For me, I am still a vibrant woman inside and I want to show it. GLAMcer. There is something to be said about sex appeal even if it is only for yourself...

Our network has been intermittent at work for a week now and today it was confined to my side of the 8th floor. The first half of the day was wasted not doing much but trying to get connected. Just as well. I kept getting dizzy spells and my brain was fuzzy still. Managing my energy was a challenge. When I went to the restroom, I walked close to the walls for fear of falling. People were supportive and knew I had just gone through my fifth chemo appointment last week. They, too, were happy that it is almost at an end. I am just happy I made it home okay and was able to make dinner for myself this evening.

I am dizzy right now and may not be able to proofread this post well. You'll pardon the errors? On top of that, I am now experiencing a hot flash as I type. Goddammit -- as difficult as today is, I know this is all worth it. In a couple of months, I will have a ghost memory of how I feel at this very moment.

Hugs,
Sarah

Worth It?

Love Infusion No. 5

Unsure of how I felt today, I continued as if I were sure of myself and how I would deal with my fifth and second to final infusion of chemotherapy...

I got up and took my water pill before getting online to read a bit and getting on facebook to update "my status". For my breakfast, I ate a chopped avocado like cereal by adding almond milk and two tablespoons of agave nectar (low glycemic sweetener). Then it was time to take a shower.

At 6:30 I received a knock on my door. It was my uncle who had come to pick me up. He was an hour early! OMG. My aunt told him the wrong time. I still had to put my make-up on, get dressed, vacuum, and make sure I prepare my bag for the day. Sigh. No worries. I adjusted. I decided to skip vacuuming and made my uncle some fresh coffee instead. He drank coffee and watched the news while I got myself together.

My uncle was not spending the day with me at the cancer center -- just giving me a ride. This would cause me great stress as I would worry if he was entertained enough or was eating enough. I turned down Tawny's husband's offer to take me, too, as I would feel the same way. I was stressed when he took me for Love Chemo #3. He was working part of the time during the day and I got worried if he was missing something important when we moved from one part of the building to the next as we progressed through my day at the cancer center.

Men get bored easily and need constant forms of stimuli as well as usually have some form of Attention Deficit Disorder. I don't want them to feel like martyrs or taking one for team. This is ingrained behavior from childhood...to wait on men. Jeezus -- sometimes I wish I didn't fully nurture this gene, but that's the way it is. Why? Because it is stupid. Good for the men in my life though. Bastards. Ha. OKAY TO BE FAIR -- I treat all my friends/family this way. More on this later...

I carried this basket of cookies as a gift for my surgeon and his staff:




Eight designs and everything on the cookie is edible:



I had the nurse who took my blood draw pick one out. She was working the check-in desk, but took time out to draw my blood at my request. We've gotten to know each other and she gave me a spontaneous hug before I left. It made me smile as I made my way to pick up a refill prescription before a small break at the cafe. My surgeon appointment check-in was 30 minutes away.

Like last time with the bakery box filled with chocolate ganache cupcakes I made, I got curious stares and a worker was curious enough to ask and show the other workers at the cafe. One of the ladies behind the counter wanted me to make one that said CANCER SUCKS. Why the hell would I do that? Yes, we all know it does, but why feed others words that are negative? I am all about moving away from fear and moving towards joy. It can be a difficult journey so I am not adding that ever.

Actually seeing my surgeon was later than I had hoped. I don't like delays. There was no student doctor or any other doctor to see me before my surgeon. He was it and my favorite nurse attending me. (I told my nurse who happens to be Russian all the Russian words I knew and was complemented on my pronounciation -- yay!) My surgeon is very pleased with my progress and seems surprised at the low presence of side effects with the exception of increasing fatigue. He doesn't fully understand how I've taken it on as a project to mitigate the side effects as much as I can through diet, supplements, sleep and behavior modification. I am a research fanatic.

I asked him some questions like:

1) Can I consume alcohol? Yes -- I can have a glass of wine if I want.
2) How long are the chemicals in my system after my last chemo? Six to seven weeks. The fatigue could last much longer. Grrr. I intend to be the exception not the norm thanks to the overachiever I am.
3) Did he enjoy my chocolate ganache cupcakes from the last visit? He looked at me with a half smile and said he very much enjoyed them and said that I definitely have a talent. Gawd..If he only knew the craziness I am capable of at any given moment! He seemed a bit embarrassed which I took as he ate a few too many even though he shared with his staff. There were about 30 of them. LOL

I was worried about my food intake today because it is advisable to have a full tummy during chemotherapy. I had a protein with fiber shake before my exam and ate a special granola bar while I waited to be called for my chemo. Serina didn't come to take my lunch order as she's done for all my treatments so far. I found out later when she came to see me that she was swamped at work. It was no big deal as the infusion center provides bagged lunch choices.

There was a delay for my chemo which I suspected because my surgeon was delayed as well as the floor was short of staff. This both upset and pleased me. It upset me because I wanted to get out at 5pm and pleased because I didn't have to rush through lunch and it had some time to digest. This must be key for when the Benadryl drip was administered, I wasn't as immediately sleepy.

Before my "chemo cocktails" were facilitated, I wrote my friend Jill a note and placed it on the counter next to me with a bottled water, one of my cookies and a small piece of chocolate. It was waiting for her when she arrived at 1:30pm when I was already asleep. (See what I mean about nurturing????? I always think of ways to make feel people appreciated and special. What you give out to the universe is what you get back. I get back a ton!)

After a bathroom break during my chemotherapy, I was able to see my fellow GLAMcer friend sitting in one of the infusion chairs. I visited for about five minutes. She gave me her professional card and added her e-mail and cell phone number. We are going to make walking dates after work since we work around the same area AND we live near enough. Talk about cool bananas!

During Jill's visit, I managed to stay awake longer than previous times. We laughed a lot. She was stunning as always. She left at 4:30pm to pick up her kids. It was like the changing of the guard. Serina came for a short spell at the same time. I urged her to go home and wash the day off with a shower. She looked exhausted and frustrated. Serina received two cookies to take home.

All my drips were finished by 5:30pm. My aunt and uncle were waiting for me outside. They drove me home and stayed a little over an hour. My uncle looked tired from waking up too early and from his exercise at the gym. My aunt brought me some food so I wouldn't have to cook that night or a few more meals. She is very sweet. I brewed them coffee and gave them a piece each of the cookies I made which makes the amount of cookies Sprinkles has in her home to zero.

I spent the evening reminiscing about the day and just relaxing. Ended up snoozing on the couch for a few hours before washing the day away. I wholeheartedly recommend taking a shower at night every night to wash any negative energy you've taken on throughout the day whether that is contact with other people or of your own doing. Why would you want to take all that crap to sleep and marinate in it? Of course, I take a quick shower in the morning, too. It just makes me feel good.

Overall, my day was great! Thanks for all your facebook comments & facebook private messages and supportive e-mails, my lovelies. Every bit helps me get through the day.

Hugs and Kisses,
Sarah Sprinkles

PS...My friend Jill said something more unusual than she does. When she opened the package of cookie and tasted it. She said it reminded her of me. Huh? She said she could close her eyes and immediately knew it was me. The flavoring she was tasting were vanilla and almond extracts. The cookie itself was not overly sweet because of the added royal icing or hard sugar icing on top, but there was definitely butter. Hee.

Love Infusion No. 5

Glamcer

Silent crazed lunatic -- is there such a thing? That's how felt today as I wrapped up some work before taking time off for my third chemo tomorrow. It wasn't all harried; I had some fun. Too much of fun that it made me work later than I had planned originally. Oh, well.

At lunch today, my gal pal Jill was able to see my wig in person for the first time and she loved it. Her hair looked cute, too, with the blonder color and newer cut.

Speaking of Jill... How can two glamorous women be reduced to infantile antics laced with earthy sense of humor in the middle of a nice restaurant? Because they can. We blew situations into comic proportions. For example, Jill mentioned that her boss was so fit he looked like a guy from this fitness commercial. I asked if we could use my cancer as an excuse to be allowed to count how many muscles he had on his abdomen. I know -- shameless!!

More shameless... Jill says I have glamcer -- glamorous cancer. I almost died laughing. Don't you think I didn't start using it at work right after lunch. We are of like mind about not letting situations get us down and to create the light and, if possible, glamorous side of things. It's a way to cope. Things can be ugly, but why not make it beautiful and make us feel good? Yeah, glamcer will soon catch on!

I didn't get to my apartment until 8pm thanks to work and last minute errands before my chemo tomorrow. Tawny called me as I was at the mailbox. I received a key to a separate box that held a package too big for my regular mailbox. For some reason I couldn't get it open. I picked up Tawny a few buildings over who was able to open it for me through super secret spy moves I was too tired to come up with on my own. She helped me carry groceries and my package mailed from the Great White North aka Canada.

My gift opening was saved for last as a reward for the day. I opened to a beautiful Japanese tea set complete with five different flavored teas and a canister to store each as I consume them. I loved the understated design that revealed enough of a color band at the bottom to keep it whimsical. I must say the part I loved best was the mesh strainer inside the teapot. The other ceramic teapots I have don't have one. I have a giant heart-shaped mesh tea ball I could have used, but this makes it easier. Tawny properly ooh'd and aah'd with me as I opened everything. Thanks to a very special friend for sending me such a thoughtful and lovely gift.



I now have something new to look forward to during my recovery weekend...

Hugs,
Sarah xo

Glamcer