Grating Coconut

You guys know how much I adore my Aunt Maria. During my recovery at her home, I got to reconnect with her like we have not in a very long time...

On this day, I bellied up to the granite bar surrounding a part of her newly remodeled kitchen. She was in the middle of preparing Filipino food for a Filipina friend. I decided to search youtube for videos containing songs in her native dialect WarayWaray. After that I found songs in the main dialect Tagalog and in particular one of her favorite singers from back in the day Pilita Corales. I forgot what torch song was playing but the vignette of watching my aunt hunkering down grating coconut between her legs using this old school device in her granite and stainless steel kitchen was more than I could handle. You just can't take the Farmer Girl out of her!

There is a funny video with me narrating and laughing but I am not allowed to post it. All I have for you is a snapshot of my aunt sans the grater to show a portion of her new kitchen. If you watch the hyperlink on the device, you will see a similar one she was using.



Can you believe she just turned 66 years old? May God bless me with her aging genes!

Smiles,
Sarah

Grating Coconut

Giving Birth to Myself

I feel like I have given birth to myself. With a dark cap of hair and a blank slate to create my life, it should be more of a momentous occasion. No angels' trumpets heralded my arrival. There were no cigars handed out or a shower given. The realization came to me last weekend after my dad and stepmother left me after a short visit...

The wig is still in place until my hair grows long enough to make wearing it very uncomfortable. Combing magazines and surfing the Internet for a sexy yet edgy hairstyle have not yielded the choices I thought would be open to me. Mia Farrow or Jamie Lee Curtis I am not; I have a round face rather than a gamine one.

My body isn't the shape I want, but it is still healing. I didn't know it would take so long. Actually, I was told it would take long. I just refused to believe it. The one thing that makes me smile is I am able to bend down in half without any discomfort. That is a mini victory!

The vows to meet more people and do more different activities are being lived very well. Since I last posted, I attended an ovarian cancer awareness activity. September was Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month. I took the first Friday off and to help tie teal ribbons around park trees in downtown Tampa and to pass out 'symptom' cards to passersby. This activity also had me reconnecting with an old friend from eight years ago.

A young woman I thought I recognized had walked by me in the park during lunchtime. I said to myself that if she walked through the park again, I would talk to her. She did and it was indeed who I thought it was -- LisaK! It turned out that she thought she recognized me but knew that the Sarah she knew would never cut her hair to her shoulders. (See!) Long story short, we've reconnected in the last month and we are continuing to build our friendship again. Yay!

My weeknights have been spent out having dinner with friends and new groups of friends. I even went to a baseball game a vendor from work invited my team to last Wednesday. We received VIP treatment which was fun. The weekends for the month have been half busy unlike October which has all the weekends booked. It sounds pretentious but it is true. You tell the Universe your desires and it might just answer you.

The most important part of last month was my dad and stepmother's visit. To say I was apprehensive about seeing them again was a colossal understatement. They had also decided to make me their first visit on their tour instead of last which pushed up the dates to the end of September. It was a week's notice. Ugh. I had managed to avoid them for six years. Yes, six. Their presence reminds me of my (perceived) failures as a female -- no children and no husband. Out of six children between the two of them, I am the only one who has not been married and procreated.

Luckily for me, I had my shrinky dink appointment just hours before my parents descended upon me. The therapist reminded me that I have a connection with my stepmother that the other girls will not have -- cancer. She was right. We discussed our own journeys during their two-day visit. They arrived in time for lunch which I cooked. I also served a birthday cake I bought for my stepmom. It was to make-up for forgetting her birthday earlier in the month. She loved it. They checked in to their hotel later in the afternoon and came back so I could drive us to a legendary Spanish restaurant downtown for a very nice dinner.

I planned their second day visit with me. We went to a special art exhibit and a couple more art galleries by the beach. The late afternoon was spent meandering around Ikea followed by a casual dinner downtown. I would be lying if I said I had not enjoyed myself. On the whole, the reunion was great and liberating. It was a strong punctuation to the events of the last nine months.

Two of my sisters who live a couple of hours away had started an e-mail/facebook message campaign a week before my dad and stepmom came to visit. To this day, I have not answered them. You don't get to come in at the end and all of sudden remember I exist. Where the hell were you the last nine months?! My parents know how I feel about their recent attention that I am sure was motivated by their visit. I have since received another facebook message with a heartfelt apology on their deplorable behavior. A response may come from me. Not today. I have a forgiving and loving heart, but this is difficult. My silence is a reflection of the silence they have shown me. Even nice people have limits.

Before I forget, please say a prayer for Tawny and her family. Her mom is not doing well and is expected to cross over soon. Tawny, her sister and her niece are in Iowa right now for an emergency visit. This has been very hard on her and I just keep sending her my love through texts. Every little bit of love and prayer sent her way helps.

One of the things that has kept me cheery is spending time with my cousin's young children. They remind me of how cool childhood can be. I had made a shopping offer last weekend to 11-year old Kristen. To test her I told her she needed to call me the following Thursday to let me know if she could go. She did via her mother who confirmed our plans. Kristen spent the night on Friday and we toiled on Saturday shopping, lunching, watching a new movie and more shopping. This time she was not limited to minutes trying on clothes. It is a luxury when two younger brothers are around. The focus was solely on her this time. Later her parents and younger brothers stopped for the pizzas I had ordered for dinner on their way to pick her up. We scarfed down pizzas and some ice cream for dessert before they left.

I have been recovering today from a two-week nonstop whirlwind of activity. A blog update was also in order to let certain folks know I am still alive and doing well. I expect more spectacular adventures coming my way. Let's enjoy them together.

Love,
Sarah xo

PS We need to bring some comedy back to my posts, too. I have had some comedy since my last post. It just doesn't seem appropriate today for some reason.

Giving Birth to Myself

Coming of Age

It was the day after my last chemo and I was feeling like other 'Saturdays after chemo'. I needed some assistance driving to attend my goddaughter Cristina's 18th birthday. She and her twin were celebrating across town. Tawny was kind enough to drive us. (Everyone needs a friend like her!)

Here is a pic of gorgeous girls:

(Crystal and Cristina)


It seems like yesterday I held them each in my arms like little burritos. Ha! I am so proud of them. They have one more year of high school. They inherited a learning disability that affected them until about the age of five and held them back one year. With intense education and help, they are up to speed and are smarter than their classmates! They will be attending college for pre-med. This summer will be spent volunteering at their local hospital as part of their scholarship. Like I said, I am very proud of them...

Am I coming of age, too? My chemo is done. I just have some follow-ups to make sure everything is clear -- God willing! I am starting to really take a look at the second half of 2010 since the first half was spent with two surgeries and six rounds of chemotherapy. I feel an intense need to perform and give back. I do have some plans. I just have to get my strength back up to be able to really give them life.

My 40th birthday is coming around in January and I want to be able to say I did something significant or the start of something significant. Yes, I know, I have influenced many people already in my life. I am talking about something special borne out of the ashes I will rise from this year. Can you understand what I am trying to say? I don't want my cancer journey just to be a blip in my life's radar. I want it to end up a beautiful adventure for me and for others. I can't explain it yet maybe. All in good time.

Kisses,
Sprinkles

Coming of Age

Last Love Infusion No. 6

My last chemotherapy was today and I almost could not believe it. I can take down the countdown counter I've had for almost three months on the right hand margin of my blog. It was a day for extra adventures for sure!

I got up at 5am, got ready and wrapped the cake pops I made for my surgeon before making breakfast for my aunt who stayed over and Tawny who came at 7:30am. As we were walking out, my aunt was distracted from the large leaf plants outside my apartment and then took a tumble on the pavement. She nearly gave me a heart attack! She was okay and mainly felt bad because I gave her such a worry that I was raising my voice at her (with curse words) on the way to the cancer center. Tawny was the referee and told me to pipe down as I drove us which was only less than 10 minutes away.

My blood was taken for the tests results my doctor would see an hour later. We went to get my refill for aftercare meds and then we sat by the cafe for a few minutes before the research worker found me and said if I checked in early I could get done in time so that I could have my stress test in time. She admitted she had to go a wedding a few hours away that evening and had to be on a time schedule. I didn't mind because so was I.

Off we went to check in early. A nurse soon whisked me away for vitals and then let me back in the reception area with the girls. We didn't have to wait long for me and my entourage to be escorted to a bigger exam room. A different doctor asked me questions and did the physical exam. She pressed against my lower lymph nodes and I giggled a lot because I am very ticklish which made her giggle, too. For a woman, you'd think she'd be more gentle on parts she has, too! My surgeon has really big hands and I have never felt any discomfort with his physical exams. AND AND AND -- she used latex gloves before I realized it. Guess who is allergic to latex?! She left to get my surgeon so I could complain to the girls.

My surgeon received about 30 cake pops. My aunt helped me make mine with chocolate cake and frosting mixed together, rolled into balls and chilled. Lollipop sticks were then dipped into melted chocolate and inserted into the balls before chilling again. They were then dipped into more melted chocolate and placed into mini-cupcake liners. I found four different colors in a polka dot pattern. These were on a tray to let set overnight.



In the morning I packaged them in to cellophane bags and put silver twisty ties on them. I also added another layer of mini-cupcake liner before packaging them for aesthetic reasons.



This is the end product my surgeon received. I placed some red crinkly paper inside a red tin before placing 30 cake pops inside. A giant cellophane bag for baskets was then wrapped around the tin and then adorned with the red with white polka dot satin ribbon. My surgeon loved it!



Tawny and I had stopped at Ikea on Wednesday night to get an apple-flavored sparkler drink for our faux champagne toast today. I had to take this picture after we got back home. Sometimes the big events in your life is about creating an "experience". I know today I created an experience for me and perhaps for the first time for my surgeon. How many patients would think to bring faux champagne and plastic champagne glasses to celebrate her last chemo? He did the honors of toasting us. I loved it!



I had my stress test which went well. My entourage looked on while I was hooked up to various electrodes and breathing masks Afterward, we picked up lunch from the cafeteria on the premises to bring back upstairs outside the chemo section. We wolfed down our lunch because we were hungry and everything was good. I was happy to not to have to rush my lunch for once before my chemo. You may recall that I am usually rushing against the anti-histamine drugs before my chemo cocktails. It makes me sleep no matter how hard I fight it.

Here are some views I will not miss:

This is the area of my port on my upper left chest. A one-inch needle is inserted and connected to tubes that is connected to other tubes for my chemotherapy.



These are my actual chemo cocktails. Two bags come before these for pre-meds. The total actual drip is 4.5 hours except today. More on that later.



These machines keep track on how much time is left and beep if there is anything wrong or when the bags are empty.



This was a view from my chemo chair as evidenced by my running shoes. The chair across the way is what the chemo patients sit in. I need two pillows to sit comfortably -- one for my lower back and one for my head. The chairs recline to give your legs support, too.



Halfway through my last bag of chemo, I had an allergic reaction that could have been really serious had my nurse not come by for me to ask about the temperature of the building. I was felt hot. I then told her I felt like I could breathe through my nose, like I had a cold. My chest was heavy. She asked me if it was getting better and I said no. She stopped my chemo and gave me oxygen tubes for my nose.

My nurse ended up calling my surgeon and he said to stop it completely and give me some more of my pre-meds for the allergic reaction. (This particular cancer drug shows some allergic reaction in some patients during the seventh cycle. Super overachiever that I am, showed it in cycle six.) I told her I needed to empty my bladder which she said would give her enough time to get another IV bag set-up. Another nurse escorted me to and from. When I got back my aunt was sitting in the chair with a worried look in her face. (I could only have one guest at a time so Tawny and my aunt took turns keeping a vigil or sat outside together why I slept through my chemotherapy.)

My face had been swollen and flushed. Within minutes of receiving the anti-inflammatory drugs, I was relieved to breathe some and the heaviness in my chest was gone! Wow. It was amazing and almost instant relief. The bag was only for 15 minutes. By this time, my aunt had gotten Tawny who was allowed to sit by me. Tawny knew I was getting better when I was giggling again. We stayed an extra 10 minutes just to make sure I was back to some kind of normal.

Tawny drove my car to a Mexican restaurant where we met her husband Jeff for dinner. Jeff left after our dinner to deliver something downtown and us girlies went to my favorite place for boba drinks, slushy fruit drink smoothies with tapioca pearls at the bottom we brought home.

This day went very quickly. My aunt and I talked about the whole day after Tawny left. She spent the night again on my couch. I made it to bed determined to get seven hours of sleep and to take my medications in time in the morning.

My lovelies, I am relieved. I have a CT scan for my chest and abdomen in three weeks to see if there is any cancer left lingering within my body. Another week after that is the appointment with my surgeon to discuss the results. Before that, next week, I receive the results for the thyroid biopsy from this past Wednesday morning. I don't anticipate anything wrong with that. My nodule is 1cm large. When you're a cancer patient and anything else crops up, you can guarantee there will be some kind of further investigation to rule out anything. This is my story and so far I am okay with it.

Thank you for my love and support! I am wickedly blessed.

Love,
Sarah xxoo

Last Love Infusion No. 6

Mindmeld Monday

Listen, my lovelies: I cannot wait to not take any of my aftercare chemo meds again in my life. We have one more round to go at the end of the month. Even though I did not work today at all, my brain was still in a fog. That didn't mean I was lazy -- I vacuumed, did five loads of laundry, cooked for myself, made some calls/appointments, cleaned the refrigerator a little, took two bags of trash out, and ran the dishwasher. I'm battling cancer -- what's your excuse? Ha.

I spent Saturday by myself just chillin' and managing my energy to rest from the chemo. On Sunday, my aunt and uncle drove me with them a couple hours away to my cousin Frankie and Brenda's house in Port Charlotte to spend time with more family members visiting. Counting all the adults and children, there were 17 of us. Most were in the pool playing. Several of us were enjoying the view of the water and the family in the pool. Grilled out with kebabs and other goodies. I ended up taking a nap on the couch for a spell.

On the way home from the festivities, I begged my aunt and uncle to take me to a quick grocery shopping trip so I could buy some almond milk, raspberries, oranges, vitamins, etc. since I won't be able to drive until Wednesday. I could cry to Tawny to take me earlier I suppose. Hee. This morning I made a smoothie using almond milk and fresh raspberries! Yummeeee.

Pardon me if this post is a little wacky. Like I said these meds make me crazy. There is mindmeld going on but I am not sure exactly how that is working. If you know, please clue me in.

Okay....I did have a breakthrough today. My spiritual adoptive sister in Canada gave me one part of the words I have been searching for during my cancer treatment. We have similarities in life things and that's all I can say. What I can say is that it came to me after reading her response to my specific query on my partial lack of emotional connection to cancer...that no matter how I dress things up in cancer or other unpleasant things in my past life, they were or are still unpleasant.

I cried uncontrollably for a good part of the morning and again in the early afternoon. While the tears fell, I could hear the pure hurt emanating and leaving me in my sobs. It didn't sound like me. It was alien like an animal left in the clearing in the woods by wolves who had taunted it by tearing bits of pieces of its flesh, but never killing it before leaving for real game. It was awful and cathartic. God -- I cannot wait to tell my shrinky dink this Thursday morning. My doctor will be happy to hear this.

SIGH...I want to write more, but my brain and these damn drugs are making it difficult. That's it for now. Thanks for your support. Your love around the world is helping me become well to the astonishment of many. Love does make this Asian Goddess of Love go around or at least sparkle!

Love,
Sprinkles xxoo

Mindmeld Monday

Love Infusion No. 5

Unsure of how I felt today, I continued as if I were sure of myself and how I would deal with my fifth and second to final infusion of chemotherapy...

I got up and took my water pill before getting online to read a bit and getting on facebook to update "my status". For my breakfast, I ate a chopped avocado like cereal by adding almond milk and two tablespoons of agave nectar (low glycemic sweetener). Then it was time to take a shower.

At 6:30 I received a knock on my door. It was my uncle who had come to pick me up. He was an hour early! OMG. My aunt told him the wrong time. I still had to put my make-up on, get dressed, vacuum, and make sure I prepare my bag for the day. Sigh. No worries. I adjusted. I decided to skip vacuuming and made my uncle some fresh coffee instead. He drank coffee and watched the news while I got myself together.

My uncle was not spending the day with me at the cancer center -- just giving me a ride. This would cause me great stress as I would worry if he was entertained enough or was eating enough. I turned down Tawny's husband's offer to take me, too, as I would feel the same way. I was stressed when he took me for Love Chemo #3. He was working part of the time during the day and I got worried if he was missing something important when we moved from one part of the building to the next as we progressed through my day at the cancer center.

Men get bored easily and need constant forms of stimuli as well as usually have some form of Attention Deficit Disorder. I don't want them to feel like martyrs or taking one for team. This is ingrained behavior from childhood...to wait on men. Jeezus -- sometimes I wish I didn't fully nurture this gene, but that's the way it is. Why? Because it is stupid. Good for the men in my life though. Bastards. Ha. OKAY TO BE FAIR -- I treat all my friends/family this way. More on this later...

I carried this basket of cookies as a gift for my surgeon and his staff:




Eight designs and everything on the cookie is edible:



I had the nurse who took my blood draw pick one out. She was working the check-in desk, but took time out to draw my blood at my request. We've gotten to know each other and she gave me a spontaneous hug before I left. It made me smile as I made my way to pick up a refill prescription before a small break at the cafe. My surgeon appointment check-in was 30 minutes away.

Like last time with the bakery box filled with chocolate ganache cupcakes I made, I got curious stares and a worker was curious enough to ask and show the other workers at the cafe. One of the ladies behind the counter wanted me to make one that said CANCER SUCKS. Why the hell would I do that? Yes, we all know it does, but why feed others words that are negative? I am all about moving away from fear and moving towards joy. It can be a difficult journey so I am not adding that ever.

Actually seeing my surgeon was later than I had hoped. I don't like delays. There was no student doctor or any other doctor to see me before my surgeon. He was it and my favorite nurse attending me. (I told my nurse who happens to be Russian all the Russian words I knew and was complemented on my pronounciation -- yay!) My surgeon is very pleased with my progress and seems surprised at the low presence of side effects with the exception of increasing fatigue. He doesn't fully understand how I've taken it on as a project to mitigate the side effects as much as I can through diet, supplements, sleep and behavior modification. I am a research fanatic.

I asked him some questions like:

1) Can I consume alcohol? Yes -- I can have a glass of wine if I want.
2) How long are the chemicals in my system after my last chemo? Six to seven weeks. The fatigue could last much longer. Grrr. I intend to be the exception not the norm thanks to the overachiever I am.
3) Did he enjoy my chocolate ganache cupcakes from the last visit? He looked at me with a half smile and said he very much enjoyed them and said that I definitely have a talent. Gawd..If he only knew the craziness I am capable of at any given moment! He seemed a bit embarrassed which I took as he ate a few too many even though he shared with his staff. There were about 30 of them. LOL

I was worried about my food intake today because it is advisable to have a full tummy during chemotherapy. I had a protein with fiber shake before my exam and ate a special granola bar while I waited to be called for my chemo. Serina didn't come to take my lunch order as she's done for all my treatments so far. I found out later when she came to see me that she was swamped at work. It was no big deal as the infusion center provides bagged lunch choices.

There was a delay for my chemo which I suspected because my surgeon was delayed as well as the floor was short of staff. This both upset and pleased me. It upset me because I wanted to get out at 5pm and pleased because I didn't have to rush through lunch and it had some time to digest. This must be key for when the Benadryl drip was administered, I wasn't as immediately sleepy.

Before my "chemo cocktails" were facilitated, I wrote my friend Jill a note and placed it on the counter next to me with a bottled water, one of my cookies and a small piece of chocolate. It was waiting for her when she arrived at 1:30pm when I was already asleep. (See what I mean about nurturing????? I always think of ways to make feel people appreciated and special. What you give out to the universe is what you get back. I get back a ton!)

After a bathroom break during my chemotherapy, I was able to see my fellow GLAMcer friend sitting in one of the infusion chairs. I visited for about five minutes. She gave me her professional card and added her e-mail and cell phone number. We are going to make walking dates after work since we work around the same area AND we live near enough. Talk about cool bananas!

During Jill's visit, I managed to stay awake longer than previous times. We laughed a lot. She was stunning as always. She left at 4:30pm to pick up her kids. It was like the changing of the guard. Serina came for a short spell at the same time. I urged her to go home and wash the day off with a shower. She looked exhausted and frustrated. Serina received two cookies to take home.

All my drips were finished by 5:30pm. My aunt and uncle were waiting for me outside. They drove me home and stayed a little over an hour. My uncle looked tired from waking up too early and from his exercise at the gym. My aunt brought me some food so I wouldn't have to cook that night or a few more meals. She is very sweet. I brewed them coffee and gave them a piece each of the cookies I made which makes the amount of cookies Sprinkles has in her home to zero.

I spent the evening reminiscing about the day and just relaxing. Ended up snoozing on the couch for a few hours before washing the day away. I wholeheartedly recommend taking a shower at night every night to wash any negative energy you've taken on throughout the day whether that is contact with other people or of your own doing. Why would you want to take all that crap to sleep and marinate in it? Of course, I take a quick shower in the morning, too. It just makes me feel good.

Overall, my day was great! Thanks for all your facebook comments & facebook private messages and supportive e-mails, my lovelies. Every bit helps me get through the day.

Hugs and Kisses,
Sarah Sprinkles

PS...My friend Jill said something more unusual than she does. When she opened the package of cookie and tasted it. She said it reminded her of me. Huh? She said she could close her eyes and immediately knew it was me. The flavoring she was tasting were vanilla and almond extracts. The cookie itself was not overly sweet because of the added royal icing or hard sugar icing on top, but there was definitely butter. Hee.

Love Infusion No. 5

Three Days

These after chemo meds are like kryptonite on your AGOL. Not only does it cause a mental fog, but as mentioned previously it makes me both hyper and tired. Too tired too really concentrate, but too hyper not to complete chores around my apartment.

On Saturday, I had two visitors. My cousin's wife Michelle visited for a spell while she waited for her daughter to attend a birthday party at a nearby museum. Tawny came by in the evening to drop off some eggs for me after her trip to the grocery store. I cannot drive for four days after my chemotherapy. Maybe the fourth day later in the afternoon if I push it.

On Sunday, I did all my laundry and some light cleaning. It sounds like a lot, but really it wasn't. My body would not allow any heavy duty stuff. I was concentrating on managing my energy for the next day.

Today, I worked from home starting at 7am and ended around 3:30pm. I survived two conference calls at 10am and 1pm. As you know my memory is affected these first days so I had to proofread and write every little thing I did which was good. It helped me to see how productive I was. Maybe I was overcompensating for being at home? I was pleased with my progress.

A nurse was supposed to come see me today. I should have canceled it on Friday while I was at the hospital after my talk with my surgeon, but I didn't. After two calls two my regular nurse to make time after my conference calls, I received a call from a different nurse at 4:30. Really?! She woke me up from a nap and told her it was okay. Upon waking further, I called her office and canceled. She called me herself to salvage the appointment. I said yes, but ended up canceling when she called me at 6:15pm to tell me she was about 20 minutes away. Good grief. I was ready for dinner, my last set of kryptonite meds and a shower to make it an early evening before watching some sitcoms. Urgh.

I called my dad and stepmother to check-in. My dad though in retirement is one of the busiest retirees I know with all the associations and church related activities he takes part of throughout Chicago. He holds high positions in a few. My stepmother is still receiving 1-minute radiation daily on her breasts for breast cancer. She has a couple more weeks to go. Luckily, she gets to avoid any chemotherapy. We both get to exchange stories on our health. It is an odd bonding which has made us the closest we have ever been since she's been married to my dad almost 20 years this year.

Tomorrow I will work from home again just to be safe. My memory will be better but it is my slight hazy vision that makes driving and seeing the road a little challenging. Sunglasses will be in order for sure until Thursday while driving. Thank God my vision for seeing my laptop is great. Don't you wish you could share such fun?

Hugs,
Sprinkles xo

Three Days

No Rest for the Wicked

Kids are natural ghouls -- fans of things gross, uncomfortable and slightly scary. The kids in my family are definite ghouls. We are constantly teasing them mercilessly. This afternoon I had my cousin's kid Kristen sit on my lap facing me and watch as I slowly revealed my bald head by pushing back the wig off my head.

"Ew! Don't ever go outside like that," was her response.

I wasn't offended in the least. We were giggling the whole time. Her brother Carter watched with his mouth open as he peered on the other side of the sliding glass doors into the living room. I asked him later if it was weird. He smiled big and said "yes". Later he told me how much he liked my wig. Their mother said I reminded her of Cirque du Soleil with the dramatic make-up and bald head. It was an odd comparison but I knew what she meant. I got up and showed her husband in the front room. He didn't bat an eyelash. I think he was taken aback and trying to keep cool. For once, he was speechless.

Why reveal to the kids? I had talked about getting shaved weeks ago and when they saw me this time around I had a new hairdo. I find it easier if you are more honest with kids about what is going on in your life, in this case -- cancer, and what happens during the its treatment. Knowing things gives them comfort instead of wondering why the appearance of someone they love keeps changing in an unusual way. You don't have to be macabre or bang them over the head with the truth; however, being secretive does them no favors...

I have not blogged in a while because I have been mentally tired from work and my evenings have been consumed with planned and unplanned visits. On Wednesday, I was too tired from my Tuesday night outing. Serina visited on Thursday because she wanted to paint my toes a very dark apple red. Friday had Tawny making a stop to visit after she and her husband walked around the apartment complex around 8pm.

Why not turn them down I hear someone asking? I don't turn them down because my chemo is on the 23rd and during that weekend I am sequestered at home to recover from my third infusion. Maximizing my time with friends and family in between chemo recoveries is very important to me no matter how it tires me.

By noon today I had already gone with Kimmee to a quilt shop. I bought a yard each of three fabric designs I am going to sew into envelope pillow covers for the pillows on my sofa. One of my goals is to do manageable changes within my apartment during my chemotherapy (two and a half more months!). I can't sand and prepare furniture for paint and paint them but I can do some light sewing.

My aunt changed our dinner plans for Sunday to this afternoon since my cousin's family was available. You may remember telling you that my aunt is going to the Philippines next week for three weeks. This meant that I had to cancel my dinner plans with Kimmee and Serina. Family first...

I made one stop to my new happy place before venturing to my aunt's. The owner was singing and playing an electric guitar as I walked in. I placed my signature order of jackfruit with mango jelly and boba (translation: jackfruit flavored slush drink with little bits of mango flavored jelly and giant tapioca pearls at the bottom) with the Vietnamese guy behind the counter. I had to reveal to him that I had my Asian license to order that particular flavor. HA! Once I assured him I was half-Filipino, he seemed relieved to make me the drink again from the last time I was in the cafe. He was too busy before to ask.

When I was finished confirming my order and turned towards the small stage, the Caucasian owner was excited to see me and announced to me from the stage how he was having his own private concert. I clapped to show my own enthusiasm. He was a better guitar player than singer, but I appreciated his enthusiasm while he sang "Your Song" by Elton John while my drinks were being made. (I ordered an extra one for my aunt to try.) My drinks were ready when he started another song. I raised my drinks to him on the way out and I was rewarded a smile and accompanying wink for my effort. His age was hard to tell with his boyish face and all gray hair. I will have to wait two more weekends to bring my laptop and actually sit a while.

The week before chemo seems to have a harried pattern to try and get things done. I have extra cleaning to do as well as make my chemo candy bracelets. Wish me luck on making it through with work and everything else. There is no rest for the wicked.

Hugs,
Sprinkles

No Rest for the Wicked

Hidden Bunny

Cancer surgery and chemotherapy have affected and permeated all aspects of my being. From reading my entries since January, you know it all already. Whereas I would have driven to my aunt's home for Easter Sunday dinner today, I was forced to spend the time at home for recovery -- essentially making me a shut-in. Perhaps I could have made the trek, but I am no fool to chance it.

I dressed up a little today anyway instead of being in another set of pyjamas like yesterday. My phone was busy with sending and receiving Easter messages. The meds made me extra sleepy around lunch and I didn't hear my aunt's initial phone call to come over.

My aunt and uncle wanted to come and bring me some cooked food this afternoon so I wouldn't have to cook for a few days. I called them back about a half hour later. They ended up not having a traditional Easter meal either since their grandkids and my cousins came right after church for a two hours before celebrating the other grandma's birthday on the other side of town. My aunt and uncle had not expected the short visit but I know this pleased them immensely.

The food drop off last no more than ten minutes which was okay. I was grateful to see a family member. I then prepared all the food in more manageable and separate containers. My aunt had made beef and broccoli which I know Tawny enjoys so I made her a container for her lunch tomorrow complete with rice and a packet of soy sauce on top of the plastic lid. I texted her of the news...

Bananas. You can buy bananas thinking you can eat the whole bunch before they ripen to that stage that is almost uncomfortable to chew. Today I had three that I couldn't let go another day so I made banana muffins. While baking them in the oven, Tawny texted me that she was on her way over.

Tawny came bearing her own gifts of a plate of traditional Easter dinner and an adorable basket of Easter candies and blue marshmallow peeps:



I was thrilled at the gifts and I am never too old to receive Easter candy baskets. I giggled. Tawny stayed for a little bit to chat and to breathe from her apartment full of her extended family. We also tried out the delicious banana muffins. She went home with her lunch for tomorrow as well as some banana muffins. There was no way I could eat it all and I didn't have any room left in my freezer to store some.

The rest of my evening was making a list and preparing all my stuff for work tomorrow. Took more meds and showered. Now enjoying tea before bedtime. Hope you had a great Easter!

Hidden Bunny,
Sprinkles xxoo

Hidden Bunny

Love Infusion No. 2

Are four alarms enough to make sure your AGOL wakes up in time for her second chemo infusion? Okay, it was a bit overkill, but I didn't make it into bed until 1:30am. In case you needed to know, two alarms were sufficient to get up at 6/6:10am. One to open my eyes and the other to remind me I had to get out of bed and make it up again so the superfluous decorator pillows were displayed nicely over the comforter.

I woke up my aunt at 7am so she could complete her morning regimen. While she did that I prepared her cereal in the bowl, a banana for her to add on the side and some sexy coffee I made. I introduced her to a new brand of almond milk I have fallen in love with for her cereal. Breakfast was eaten and a last minute check-up performed in our bags for snacks and paperwork for the entire day at the cancer center.

Check-in was great. Found out I didn't have to include a co-pay of $30 as my visit was considered a follow-up to my port install surgery. My surgeon was surprised to see me NOT undressed and ordered me to quickly undress for my "cookie" exam. (There is so much I want to interject here -- just snicker with me instead.) When he re-entered the exam room, I was giggling behind the curtain and my aunt on the other side was giggling, too.

My wound no longer needs any covering and I can safely exercise even a bit more strenuously if I want. He said I looked good. Of course, my rock star surgeon -- glamor make-up, sassy wig and scintillating smile makes Sprinkles easier to gaze at. LOL Before I long I had a metal speculum inserted and then his own surgeon's human (ahem) digits. You know. No pain or anything. He was very pleased. He left and came back with a prescription for my return to work on Monday and a reminder that every exam from now on will require a vaginal exam. Well, now. Just of the girls: Isn't like a man to rush you to undress, feel you up all kinds of manner and still leave you unsatisfied? AND I am paying for the privilege. Hee.

My surgeon's nurse met me outside to give me papers for my next appointment. I showed her my chemo candy bracelet on my wrist that says "chemo sexy". She laughed and wanted to show my surgeon. I gave her one to give him which said the same thing and she mentioned that I could sell them downstairs at the gift shop. Maybe later when I can get a schedule together and my online shop is up and running, I can expand. Wild, huh?

I scurried with my aunt to the pharmacy to get my after chemo meds. Instead of paying $20 like last time, my refill together was under $8. We then made it to the fourth floor for my blood draw where I was informed that my appointment was supposed to be downstairs at 7:15am. What?! All of the paper work I have and the automated call confirmed for 9:30am blood draw. Someone had changed the schedule two days ago and never called me. I told the nice lady that I was not dragging my aunt again downstairs after taking her to the other building for the meds. I also informed her I was not happy and for her to figure it out. My scheduling times were meticulously recorded in two places for me not to forget because of my chemo brain which makes my memory a little crazy. A supervisor quickly got me in and then took care of other things for my next appointment.

So......my port was a bit temperamental. I required a 1" Huber needle (read as big ass needle) instead of a 3/4" needle for my port. The nurse had the worst time trying to get blood and had to stick me in the arm with a regular needle for the first draw. I teased her that maybe I received the "dumb ass port" instead of the "smart port". She had me pumping my left arm, coughing, breathing heavily and I even jumped up and down when she had me stand up. We resorted to a plaque clearing solution that had to be administered by a higher ranking nurse so that my port would be ready for my infusion.

While my aunt and I were in the waiting area, I found out that I needed more blood draws for kidney and liver function which were probably ordered by my surgeon thus resulting in my infusion being an hour later. The delay was okay because Serina was coming to get our orders for lunch and we could eat leisurely.

Regarding my Chemo Candy bracelets, I gave one out to a lady in the clinic area. She was very surprised and bemused, but I knew in my heart she needed one. I later felt her gaze upstairs in the infusion center waiting room. I gave out more bracelets in the infusion center to more receptive individuals who smiled and wore them immediately. One elderly lady received hers on her first day of chemo. She was thankful as was her family. I gave one to my needle a nurse and two more to a man and a lady who took their places next to me in the afternoon. Their infusion was only for an hour each, mine was 4.5 hours this time. Serina took one for someone in her office when she came later to check on me. I had two left for the guys. It would seem that the ratio of women to men getting chemo was much higher.

My aunt drove us home and I made us more sexy coffee. We chatted while I cooked some jasmine rice to her liking. She likes the rice drier than sticky like Angie and me. My leftover noodle dish was reheated as a main dish with rice, hot sauce and ponzu sauce. We ate like Filipino princesses!

Tawny came later to visit us and I served us some caramel praline ice cream with chocolate peanut cookie sticks on the side. We dissected the day and laughed like girlies. Tawny eventually left since she had a very early start to her day. My aunt and I chatted the evening away until the day finally caught up on us. We found it hard to keep our lids open.

Love,
Sarah xo

Love Infusion No. 2

Card Reading

Today (April Fool's Day) made me so mad that I cannot include most of in this blog. My other blog with Tawny -- have you found it yet? -- gets to have my less genteel and less loving entries. Sometimes you just have to vent any incredible bile boiling within someplace specific to get it off your chest...

Kimmee and her daughter Serina (plus cute doggie Belle!) came over around 8pm. Serina had requested a card reading from me a few hours earlier. I almost said to come on the weekend, but remembered that my freshened infusion of chemo would alter my energy. She reminded me of a reading I gave her years ago that came to fruition regarding her chosen medical field and wanted new insight on things in general. Part of me was excited to see how I would feel giving a reading for someone else now that the alien protrusion from my tummy was gone. I gave Serina a reading in my bedroom for more privacy. I am not going to give you specific details of that reading but to tell you how I felt because I want to remember it later.

Giving readings to individuals who are very close to me are few and far between. (Yes, Jill - I owe you one!) It is a personal fine line and I only I agree to it if I feel good about it when asked. I could get a request for a future date and know instinctively it would not be a good day energy-wise to give a reading. Tonight's reading was last minute but health activities facilitated a yes decision and I knew she need some immediate guidance.

There we were sitting on my bed when I asked her to shuffle my Osho deck and pick seven random cards. She repeated the shuffling and then gave me an additional five cards at my request. Do not ask me how I do it every time because I don't have a routine or follow any kind of special pattern. The deck is just a tool for focusing on the individual; God knows I need special tools for focusing these days.

My favorite Osho card...naturally:


The cards may present and illustrate a theme but my inner voice gravitates to a portion of the beautiful illustrations that is more meaningful to the person who has picked the cards. I was a little nervous at first -- with the second card everything came so quickly and with such surety that my confidence built. The reading itself was for about 30 minutes and the rest of the hour, before her mother reminded us it was getting late (weeknight!), we discussed general things that were brought out by the reading. Serina felt much better and could take some mental/emotional burdens off her shoulders.

The girlies and beautiful doggie Belle left my aunt and me to talk until after midnight. We both suffer some sort of insomnia so it was easy to enable each other. It was great to be with my aunt. I went to sleep thinking more about my first reading since the alien tumor was extracted in January than my next chemo infusion.

Hugs,
Sprinkles

Card Reading

Getting Crabby

Have you ever taken one of those packages of shower caps from a hotel along with the free shampoo, conditioner, etc.? I am sure you have taken one or more of something. My fingers were rummaging through one of the containers in my bathroom closet praying for a shower cap. I found one!

As you know my hair strands are committing chemo-kaze by launching themselves from my "no longer developing follicles" to land indiscriminately at a rate of speed that takes my breath away. This morning was the first day I found loose strands on my pillow. That means I can no longer style it at all. I have to avoid brushing it only when necessary. A shower cap allowed me to shower without getting my hair wet. Talk about a lifesaver -- one cheap plastic cap with elastic!

I capped my head again and gently brushed around the cap after getting dressed and putting on make-up. Kathy called me just as I was leaving for my aunt's to arrange to pick up her aerobed. I felt confident in my cap as I went out in the rain with Kathy's aerobed in tow.

My aunt's house was loud with her grandchildren running amok. They provided easy amusement while we waited for our steamed Alaskan crab leg dinner to be ready. My family was crowded around the dining room table. Somehow I ended up between two grandkids I had to assist opening crab legs. This slowed down my crab eating so I was last at the table. My uncle came to see what I was doing while he helped to clean off the table. I told him I was pondering a call I received when I drove up. I received a call that disturbed me because it had caught me by surprise and I was trying to figure out what it meant.

Kathy ended up meeting me back at my place to pick up her aerobed instead of my aunt's. We chatted a while before she made her way back home to Jacksonville. Me? I texted Tawny's husband Jeff to remind him that the salon trip tomorrow was a shave and a wig styling. He is working from home part of the day and accompanying me for my shave. Jeff is a great guy and I am very lucky he volunteered for the job. God knows I would have never asked. Why am I always surprised at the outpouring of support and available help? Maybe it is because I never take that kind of generosity and heart for granted. I do not forget how wickedly blessed I am.

Kisses,
Sprinkles xo

Getting Crabby

Vanity Blues

Time flies when you're a social butterfly and a beading fool...

Saturday was Tawnyday. We spent part of the day shopping for more components for my bracelets as well as some sewing stuff. By the time we finished we were famished for lunch. We hiked up our Lederhosen inside a casual German restaurant. One more shopping stop and we went our own separate ways. Tawny came over again in the evening for beading and chatting. Her husband was sweet enough to remember me during his baking day. I was the recipient of a loaf of banana bread. Yum!

Sunday was almost a lazy day, but the family dinner I planned to celebrate my aunt's 65th birthday was scheduled for 4:30pm. During my shower I found myself sobbing because my days of being able to enjoy shampooing and conditioning my hair are numbered. I got myself together to meet my family at a Greek restaurant where we enjoyed our feast and the live music. (Yes, I was just at the same restaurant with Jill on Friday.)

When I came home, I called my cousin Angie to give her an update on the dinner. I also ended up sobbing some more and discussing my impending hair loss. I will be losing something that gives me great joy. Over the years I have spent more money than any of my friends on my hair cuts and color. I take care of my hair. It is a conscious part of me and I will lose the joy it gives me. Meanwhile, there are women who barely run a brush through their hair or even care enough to color their hair that get to keep their hair. It is not fair. Any day now I will see clumps of hair coming off my scalp thanks to the chemotherapy working through my system.

For a long time I will not be able to wash or dry my hair, color and cut, flip or slide strands from my face or put behind my ears once I have it shaved next Monday. I feel ashamed at how I am carrying on about this when there have been people who have lost their hair because of more horrific things like genocide. I know I am more than my hair, but it is that part of woman that gives her some allure, a part of her sexuality. It is one of the first things a man notices about a woman he meets.

Eventually all this chemo crap will be over and my life will start again. A part of that is dating. Yes, I will have my wig and scarves while I wait for regrowth, but it is not the same. It is one more thing I have to explain to someone new. Surely I can be forgiven for being so vain?
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Vanity Blues

Cabin Fever

My best plans were foiled by my nurse yesterday. She didn't get to come until 2pm. I was starting to feel cabin fever. There is one thing to feel like staying home and being forced to stay home. It was just as well because my brain was experiencing "Groundhog Day" with my meds. Ugh. My nurse did give me good news that my wound in my belly would soon be all closed up by the weekend and could comfortably scar over and heal. I decided then that we would cut down our visitation to once a week just to be sure.

Tawny came to see me in the evening and to finish up our initial set of crystal bracelets that I am having the Sprinkles Posse wear while I am in chemotherapy. She hasn't been feeling well either with a serious bout of anemia. It is serious enough to warrant a blood transfusion. Since she just started her new job two weeks ago, Tawny has been staving off this measure until further results from yesterday's blood work and an ultrasound this afternoon. I am worried because she does so much for others and that includes me!

............

Today was my day to combat cabin fever. I didn't have to take further "nasty anti-nausea meds right after chemo". My brain just had a slight mist. I made plans to mail my reimbursement for my $285 wig to my health insurance as well as mail one of the bracelets below to my friend Kathy in Jacksonville.



I am wearing one of the crystal bracelets as is Tawny. My friend Dianne will get hers when she visits me next Thursday and I delivered one to my friend Sandy this afternoon. If anyone wants to wear one until at least end of June, please let me know. I will mail it anywhere in the world. Just e-mail me at helloagol_@_yahoo_dot_com or from my profile. This is my design and are all hand strung. Tawny had to help me with this set as my brain was a bit foggy to try to manage installing the clasp. There are teal color bicone beads which signifies Ovarian Cancer like breast cancer is pink. (Also, please let me know sizing 6.5in? 7in? 7.5in?) The bracelet is a tangible support in my cure. DUE DATE FOR OFFER APRIL 2, 2010 or while supplies last.

Before visiting Sandy this afternoon, I had my new passport pictures taken. My passport expired in January and I wasn't able to renew it on time thanks to my surgery. I wore pink and actually smiled. This was different from psycho-killer pose of years ago and the outfit was heinous!! LOL I just had to make sure I still had my own hair in the pic. There is no beauty rest in Shallowville!

Sandy has been wanting to see me since she brought me a houseplant and yellow daffodils while I was in the hospital. She's been offering up any bit of help to me. Her whole family is such and I've treasured her friendship for 15 years. More importantly, I wanted her to see me as I am now before I have my head shaved. Sandy had seen me about 40lbs heavier at Christmas thanks to my burgeoning tumor-filled tummy so seeing me upright and much trimmer was a great surprise to her. She said I looked much healthier today.

Not too far from Sandy's is my aunt's house. I stayed for dinner to enjoy being around my family and I know they were happy to see me out and about. I made mention that today would be my mother's birthday -- my aunt's will be Friday, too. Both women named Maria and both as precious to me as anything.

I felt like a reverse vampire going home trying to get home before sundown since my vision was a bit impaired from chemo. I made it within 10 minutes of no sun. Tawny made me keep vigil of each place I visited today so she could be assured I'd be home okay. It was a great feeling to text her from home...Spoke to Angie twice in Los Angeles tonight. Now I am going to prepare for bed!

xo
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Cabin Fever

Rubber Band Ball

How odd the only bout of nausea I've felt is when I am horizontal on my bed when I wake-up. It is only a tinge but enough to scare me to take my meds upon waking. The mental fog is still there and kicks in after one of my medications as drowsiness is a side-effect. On the other hand, from my neck down was not listening. I found myself cleaning large vertical blinds in my living room with Lysol wipes with scrubbies on one side. This exercise took about 35 minutes of my morning.

I decided not to tempt fate or my health and took it easy the rest of the day. Luckily, I didn't feel alone with the texts and calls I received or made. Kathy called me from her grocery store in Jacksonville and mentioned wanting to attend one of my upcoming chemo appointments. She's so sweet! I will take her up on it if she can swing the date. My friend Trish from San Francisco wants to visit me, too. She called while she and her boyfriend where walking in the middle of the city for a dinner meet-up with friends. Trisha iterated her desire from a previous facebook note to let me know she was serious. I am very lucky to have many friends like these gals!

..............

This was unexpected but I didn't tell you about the news my aunt and I received when we got back from my chemo appointment after my uncle got home from having dinner with us on Friday. We found out that one of my aunts in the Philippines had passed in her sleep. Fortunata died in her late seventies. I felt bad for my Aunt Maria who is set to visit the Philippines in about four weeks. She will be there for the traditional 60-day prayer vigil at least. The reason I am mentioning it now is we were just able to get a definitive on her health and how she died because she was in a different city living with her son's family. My aunt confirmed everything for me this evening. Fortunata was a shy sweet woman but full of smiles and laughter. I won't forget how she was when I last saw her through my 10-year old eyes.

..............

The one thing we can count on is life's never ending cyclical turns. Ever see a rubber band ball?



I feel that threads of life cycles move in this way and keep moving elastically in all directions. Sooner or later we touch each other or move away. As we go through our lives, more layers of us and others increase to make our world as we know it. We never die. We just change to some other energy form to keep evolving into whatever we direct in our minds and hearts. Scientists say we are made as the same stuff as stars. I intend to sparkle forever through your lives as you do through mine. Let us make a conscious pact to make sure we touch each others' lives positively to make our world a more colourful and beautiful place.

Love forever,
Sarah Sprinkles
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Rubber Band Ball

A New Dawn

The first few minutes of waking involved me taking inventory how I felt physically and mentally. Physically my body didn't harbor any pain to really note other than leftovers from the outpatient surgery on Thursday. My mental clarity was surrounded by a light fog akin to the effects of taking cold pills. I made sure to eat breakfast and to take the medications exclusively prescribed to control any possible nausea. Three pills total of two kinds twice a day for three days. I waited another two hours to take my everyday water pills for my legs. Vitamins may have to be included sometime soon just to make this new pill-popping hobby fun.

My bowels were none too happy this morning assuring me of the chemo in my system. I was worried, but realized I should only worry if the malady persists. I am hoping the side effects of all my meds will cancel each other out and give me normal "doings", if you will. Sigh.

Through the light brain fog, I was alert with energy. I managed to take meds with breakfast, update my blog, take a shower and make lunch for my aunt and me. She worried that I was tiring myself and I was waiting on her too much when it should be the opposite. I wanted to as long as I could still manage it.

Kimmee came over with doggie Belle for a couple of hours for a visit and to deliver a sample of the tongue scraper Kimmee had purchased a while back. It is a very important dental hygienic tool if you've never used one. Your body secretes waste in many different ways like your bowels, skin and through your tongue. Brushing only moves stuff around, but scraping the tongue removes waste and keeps your breath fresher. With chemo, I am even more resolved than I am now to clean my tongue to ward off bacteria.

My uncle came to pick up my aunt around 3:30pm and Kimmee left soon after. My visitations were not complete until Tawny came to drop off a "power picture" she found for me. She framed it in an IKEA black frame to remind me of who I am and how I am to forge with Amazonian strength like that of my childhood idol Wonder Woman through the last part of my cancer cure.



Here is opening theme from Season 1, Original Series set in WWII:


Season 2 Opening of The New Adventures of Wonder Woman, updated for the 1970's from Season 1:

PS I love that Diana Prince/Wonder Woman (played by Lynda Carter) is wearing a headscarf in this video as I will soon!

Fighting the Axis,
Sprinkles
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A New Dawn

Inevitable Infusion

Excitement was not exactly the word that described what I was feeling this morning when I woke up. It was a quiet greeting to inevitability yet a happy one.

Breakfast was my first order of business. I tried not to make a lot of noise as I scarfed down on cut up banana with my cereal. My aunt was sleeping on my sofa even though I offered her a nice air mattress to sleep on. I had to eat to make sure I survived the day especially since I was the dumb bunny that signed up for a research study that involved a stress test just a couple of hours before her first chemotherapy infusion. After feeding myself, I got dressed so I could give my aunt time to get ready and eat some cereal, too.

I drove us to the hospital and checked right in the fourth floor and had blood drawn. It wasn't a quick job because my port wasn't relinquishing my blood so after a while I had to be reclined with my head lower than my feet to get the draw. I was teasing the nurse saying that the "research hookers" were probably already searching for me. My prediction was correct as I read the name on the badge of the blonde waiting for me at the second floor reception check-in. The lady behind reception recognized me from yesterday's surgery check-in and said hello.

My aunt and I were whisked into a room with all kinds of instruments. When I was firmly hooked up to various electrodes and a breathing mask, a cardiologist was called to be in place during the stress test just in case anything went awry. It went better than I thought. I started off to a slow walk then to a faster pace. My concentration was more on making sure I had the correct foot strike instead of what was happening. I only broke a sweat on my scalp, but I still felt the fatigue from yesterday.

This was me with the breathing mask plastered to my face widening it like the moon. Of course, it wasn't helping that I was laughing too hard as the "research hooker" took a movie of me.


We checked in a second time on the fourth floor for vitals which later had me alarmed. The male nurse decided to verify my height and now apparently I have shrunk. I am no longer 5'8" but 5'6.5"!!! WTF? Did I somehow get sent to space without my knowledge? Astronauts lose height every time they go to space. In reality, perhaps the tumor had been leeching all the nutrients for many years thus causing me to lose height. A heavy regimen of yoga and pilates will be in my future as soon as I can manage it for sure.

I went back out in the waiting room to tell my aunt my news while we waited for the restaurant-like buzzer assigned to me to go off signaling my infusion seat was ready. To my surprise, Kimmee's daughter Serina (she just got a research job at the hospital) came to see me. In fact she ended up seeing me two more times while I was in the infusion seat. Sweet thing. I made sure to call her mother when I got home to tell her what a good cookie she was for attending to me.

The infusion center was a catacomb of halls and rooms filled with nothing but bluish green vinyl chairs with "wings" sporting drink holders on either side. I felt like I was in my old hospital room again with the IV stand which I had to unplug its industrial size plug (normal if you live in England - hee!) to take it with me to the bathroom. There was a flat panel TV I could maneuver comfortably and attach a pair of headphones they gave me. Lunches, snacks and drinks were free to the patients. I shared everything with my aunt.

So what was it really like? I didn't have an opinion on it. It was neither good or bad, just something I had to do, you know? There was a bag for saline, Benadryl to combat any allergic reaction, Taxol (Part 1 of my chemo cocktail) and Carboplatin (Part 2 of chemo cocktail). The Benadryl had me sleeping most of the five hours it took to administer everything one by one. I was given anti-nausea pills before my last IV bag.

I couldn't stay awake to save my life. The "research hookers" tried to give me follow up instructions and give my tools and diary for my end of the research as the drug kicked in. My bladder woke me up periodically and I was able to eat a quick lunch early on. I saw Serina for one minute while she came to see me the second time. My poor aunt was left to her own devices. She watched TV and also took a walk outside. I also received several text messages from the Sprinkles Posse checking up on my progress and to send their love. My nurse called, too, to confirm our appointment. I had to put her off until Monday -- my infusion was taking longer than we previously discussed.

Aunt Maria drove us home where I suddenly became alive again. I made coffee in my French press and preheated the oven. My uncle was on his way to drop off medication for my aunt and I was set on us having frozen pizza for dinner and maybe ice cream for dessert if they were up to it. I was a busy bee for some reason or perhaps I was afraid to sit and let exhaustion take over?

Dinner was good conversation and laughter. My uncle left earlier than I anticipated. We gals made it a movie night, but I fell asleep part of the movie. Luckily I was awake enough to call Angie in California to give her an update. I eventually made it to bed around 12am. Before sleep I splayed pieces of instructions for follow-up medications in the morning, emergency instructions for side-effects and another sheet of instruction for something else on my dining room table...

I ruminated all day on how the people getting chemotherapy didn't look like me. They were all much older and if they were women, they looked like they were getting it done. Call it vanity, but I still show up dressed and made up. My aunt was dressed and made up, too! This is your life and you can prepare for whatever comes. I hope I don't sound mean to the other people; I just feel you should make the very best of it instead of surrendering to a type of resignation. Greeting inevitability with smile or an extra sparkle should go a long way to recovery, shouldn't it? In any case, today was a long day. It unfolded much better than I imagined.

Love,
Sarah
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Inevitable Infusion

Port and Protocols

Rain had washed the roads overnight and continued to wash everything as my aunt and uncle made our way to the hospital at 7:25am on Thursday. My check in was 7:45am for my 10:45am port install. Thank God for us the hospital is 10 minutes close to my apartment.

We didn't have too wait long for my name to be called to pre-op. My aunt accompanied me around the familiar maze to a walled section so she could take my clothes once I disrobed and changed into an operating gown. I mentioned to the nurse that all the preparations seemed a bit much for a port install on my chest, an outpatient surgery. She said that when you go through the regular OR (operating room) that all the protocols have to be followed which meant it felt like my surgery prep back in January.

My surgeon did a stellar job once again. They left a needle with plastic tube hook-ups covered in gauze and tape outside the skin for tomorrow's chemo appointment which meant I couldn't take a shower. While my surgery was an hour earlier, I didn't get out until about 2pm. There was a complication of me experiencing sharp pains that brought me to tears when I breathed deeply during recovery. An x-ray of my chest was taken while I was sitting up in bed. They put a 1-inch thick large black square large enough to cover my back while a tech stood 10 feet away from me pointing a machine with light projecting cross hairs onto me while I sat up. He shot his x-ray pic and left to get immediate results.

The nurse had already injected pain medication and an anti-inflammatory drug to my IV while we waited for the results of the x-ray. Minutes later I was told there was nothing wrong with my chest and all my breathing was normal. This was double-checked later when the pain was still there. We figured out that I may have pulled a back muscle during surgery while they moved me around. Meanwhile, my aunt and uncle were getting anxious. My surgeon said they would be calling for them in a few minutes after he spoke to them. They weren't called until two hours later because I had been asleep and it had gotten too busy for my attending nurse to call. Poor things.

I was soon dressed and in a wheel chair. We had to make one stop at the salon downstairs to pick-up my wig (or hair prosthesis as was written on my prescription). I also had my uncle go through a Chik-Fil-A drive-thru for a late lunch for all of us. Our empty stomachs were making our tempers a little testy. We sat at my dining room table enjoying our chicken sandwich meals. I made coffee and I fed my uncle some ice cream for dessert. He left my aunt with me so she could make sure I was okay after surgery and also to accompany me during my first chemo appointment tomorrow. My aunt had volunteered to spend the night two weeks ago; I had been too shy to ask. I am glad she was there even as the rain continued to come.

Hugs,
Sprinkles

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POST SCRIPT
Here is pic of my surgery site after my first chemo, all the tape and plastic window coverings gone. The top incision is normally on the neck based on my research. My surgeon was kind enough to save me that conspicuous scarring so it is above the longer incision site of the port. Everything is held with skin glue that should fall off later. You may see a small red dot below the longer incision. That is area where needles for future blood draws and chemo infusions will be placed; no more trying to find a vein in my arms. I am very pleased.


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Port and Protocols

Bargello Heart Warmed

Repeating last week's events would not be as much fun as say......applying bandages to yourself and ripping them quickly off your body hoping the glue didn't take any hairs. Yes, it was so memorable that I will try to briefly comment.

Last Wednesday had me screaming and crying not only to my aunt but to my cousin Angie over a misunderstanding about my approach to my health. I am sure Angie enjoyed me screaming at her at 7:30am her time and abruptly hanging up on her when I sensed myself about to hyperventilate. This incident was over by the afternoon and everything was all good again.

The hospital nurse was not "all there". I had run out of my pain meds and it took an Act of Congress to contact the doctor to release the refill. To his credit, he was in surgery, etc. Tawny drove me to retrieve it from the hospital pharmacy. The nurse also forgot to mention my appointment for this week until I called her on a different matter a day later. There was another issue with my surgeon for his signature and notes to be faxed to my insurance so that my extension to go back to work (tentatively March 15th) would be approved and I would continue to get paid. This part was nerve wracking. It was faxed last minute on Friday afternoon.

Another concern was making sure my home health care to change my wound vac dressing was transferred from Brandon (suburb of Tampa) where my aunt lives to Tampa where I live. The nurse seemed to have a problem calling, etc. to confirm her arrival. Once she was here, she was okay. She came last Friday, too.

During all this I was trying to prepare for Kathy who was coming from Jacksonville to stay with me all weekend. This poor woman took down and put away my Christmas decorations. She also cleaned most of my apartment and drove me on a big grocery shopping trip. Where I am to put the excess food I don't know. Kathy also carted in packages of almond milk, hemp milk and other organic groceries when she arrived! Oh, she also gifted me a beige baseball cap with some shiny silver dots or bling on it that was in the image of skull and cross bones. Very cute! I wore it during my nap late Sunday afternoon. Hee.

AND -- In the middle of all this, my uncle Al from Germany had arrived on Tuesday evening as well as Angie from Los Angeles on Thursday to be with Nan. On early Saturday morning, Nan passed on to be with God. Everyone had been able to say goodbye. Kathy and Tawny accompanied me that evening to my aunt's home to be with everyone. My aunt and uncle looked relieved and tired, but were thankfully distracted for several moments by their smiling grandkids. Nan's Tampa service is tomorrow night. Her body will be flown Wednesday to Baltimore for another service on Thursday and then she will be buried next to her husband. My aunt and two uncles will go and meet the rest of Nan's grandkids in Baltimore as well as her old church family.

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I know I've been overdoing it. Today I tried my best not to, but I half succeeded. I moved furniture just a little (five inches here and there!)... My air conditioner had not turned itself off so I did because I got too cold. When I turned it on again later, it was not blowing cold air. For the first time I consciously used cancer to get the unit fixed immediately. My reasoning to them was not a lie and was supported by the visiting nurse. It yielded the desired results. Three hours is lightyear speed for this place.

The early evening held a pleasant surprise. My friend Kim, her husband and pretty dog Belle came to see me and dropped off the lap quilt Kim had made for me. The center had been completed for years; I had not found the time to get the binding sewn so she took it from me last week to finish. The colors are bright. I had a hand in picking out the fabric colors and of course it was a heart design in Bargello style. The details are best appreciated in the video below.

My tea is just right for drinking about now. I am going to sit in my favorite chair with my new quilt adorning my lap as I read a little. Sounds marvelous doesn't it?



Love,
Sprinkles xxoo


PS Let me not forget Jill who was first on the scene to offer her own sunshine when I ran out last Wednesday after venting my anger on facebook. ;p
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Bargello Heart Warmed

Fluctuations

To tell you that I am a little miffed at not being to update my blog for the last couple of days is an understatement. The road to health can have its bumps especially when there are other people involved. In this case, it was a nurse overeager to demonstrate her prowess in front of a trainee at changing the dressing for my wound vac which resulted in me being miserable for two days.

Long story short: It was "installed" on my person incorrectly. The negative pressure fluctuated incessantly. The only way the beeping and alerts would quiet down was when I was laying down horizontally on my bed. This was even after they came back a second time to tweak the hose connections the following day. Another nurse changed it properly on the third day thank God! The best news out of this whole ordeal is that my wound is healing very well.

Anyhoo... After a phone convo to firm up a visit from Possum last Thursday, she had remarked that I was the busiest and most sociable sick person she new. Ha! Last weekend Kimmee and Kathy each visited me. On Tuesday, I bribed Tawny into sneaking me out for a spell. We started with a seafood lunch at a favorite Greek place followed by manicures and pedicures at my salon where I received a warm welcome for coming back from surgery.

Next Tuesday I am getting a drastic hair cut; it will be short in the back to follow a long angle towards the front. A reverse bob or something like that....? I'll post a picture when I do one of my self-portrait pics. A tinge of sadness creeps in every now and again as I think of how long it is now and how patient I've been at growing it the last couple of years. This act is to both cut away "old energy" from the new woman I am becoming as well as to prepare for what might be a by-product of chemotherapy treatments, hair loss. It isn't something to be really sad about considering the state of the world. I think the new "do" will be a hot look on Sprinkles. After all, why be boring? Other people (IE numb, faceless plebeians) have it covered...

My dad and stepmother were supposed to visit at the end of this month. They had planned on visiting me and my three other sisters on the way down from Chicago. All is now postponed as my stepmother is getting breast cancer surgery on Monday. She has a small lump that is stage one and will have to receive radiation treatments. Freakish isn't it? Cancer is prevalent in most people's lives nowadays. That's the way the cookie crumbles I guess.

On a much lighter note, here is a photo of my pedicure. I live in Florida where a bit of floral whimsy is expected on nails. Yes, that is a viable reason! This cheered me considerably and makes me giggle every time I see it. The feet may not be dainty -- how can US size 10 cement blocks be sexy? -- but I think they are still cute!



Kisses,
Sprinkles
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Fluctuations