Nietzsche Knows

Cool gusty winds lifted my hair today. (Smiling) I cannot recall the last time that happened...

It has been eight weeks since my last chemo and it was the most difficult one. For four additional hours I was subjected to a two-pint blood transfusion. My lower back was also a spasm of pain most of the day which caused me to adopt different positions to try and relieve it without taking pain medicine. Even knowing all this, I would do it all over.

Steroids were again a part of my chemo care regimen. It came with baggage though -- an extra 25 pounds of weight on my body on top of the weight I need to lose. Since re-joining Weight Watchers eight weeks ago, I have lost 15!

My health motto taken from a shirt on bodybuilding.com is "Rise from Weakness". Last year's chemo recovery was not easy so I took a time off this time around two weeks ago to try and make my way to the gym to restart a weight lifting regimen with my coach at 5am. Yes, 5! A nasty alarm wakes me up at 4am Monday through Friday so I can get geared up and eat a pre-workout snack of one banana and seven pieces of raw almonds plus water. Oh yes -- my mouth looks like it is filled with Chiclets when I smile at my Jamaican coach each morning. The joy I feel is immense even when my muscles protest from underuse and chemo recovery...

My home address is new but I have not moved. The emergency network insisted on my apartment complex updating their address system to make it easier on them in case they are needed. A mobile vehicle from the Department of Motor Vehicles was parked in my parking area for everyone to change their driver's license (for free!) to reflect the change of address. I wanted to change my address earlier this year, but this is not exactly what I had imagined.

On the same vein, my UK company has sold off the Healthcare division. I was a casualty of the split that will be finalized in November. My job was moved to the Healthcare side as part of the divestiture. I get to drive to work in the same building but just work under a new company name and with a new manager yet to be named. Mind you, I started out at the Healthcare division and I have been supporting them for six years so the change is more paperwork than anything. I am still happy.

My bigger personal projects are still simmering on the burner; however, I am very proud to inform you that I completed my first quilt. Buoyed by this accomplishment, I also designed and put together a bed scarf as well as recovered my frou-frou pillows to match my new duvet set. I may have finally conquered my fear of sewing!

Sigh.

For now I have to concentrate on my job and improving my health. A quote from Nietzsche sums it up, “He who has a why can endure any how." My whys are worth every step no matter how small or difficult. I think of that each time I see my hair and wince. It has grown much longer, but chemo thinned it out by more than half. Through the magic of a curling iron, brush techniques and a fumigation of hairspray, I still manage to receive compliments on it from strangers. If they only knew how I cannot wait to have my full crown again. I need a bigger crown to rule over Sprinklesville! Ha. My hair is coming back more and more each day judging by the havoc the wind did on it today. It was a nice reminder that things are coming along nicely.

Love,
Sarah

Nietzsche Knows

Third Compartment

Coping with my current life has forced me to put aspects of it in three distinct compartments. The first is "dealing with cancer" since it is in the forefront. The second is "work" where I challenge myself to not let the first compartment overtake the kind of progress I am trying to make. The third compartment is a place where I've struggled to be in since December 2009 and that place is "just being me".

What is "just being me" about? It is where: I am not a cancer patient... I am not an employee... I am not a daughter... I am not a sister or friend... I am not a cooking expert or frustrated artist. I am just the core of me and not the shell of roles I have acquired on my journey. It is a place where I can look at me and recognize the Divine Spark I have been entrusted with on this Earth. When I look at that Divine Spark it is where I also get to gaze at it and find out what I am supposed to really do to give of my life and use it to its best.

Of course, I would be lying to you if I also didn't include a fourth compartment of being a partner/spouse to an incredible man who allows me the freedom to be in that third compartment. He would also not be intimidated by that surety in my sense of self as well the things I want to accomplish as it relates to my contribution to humanity. Sigh... I am working on one compartment at a time for now.

____

On Friday, I had the pleasure of hosting a small dinner party. It was a bit last minute by my plan ahead standards. We dined like kings on Italian fare. I put together an antipasto platter that had variety and also beauty in its presentation. The entree was red sauce with hot Italian sausage over thin spaghetti which was accompanied by slices of sesame seed crusted baguette broiled with a compound butter I made the night before. The wine flowed but not for me since any alcohol is prohibited with my chemo.

The following picture was of dessert. I purchased the mini cannolis and the petit fours. Dutch cocoa powder was dusted all over the white plates. I placed a fork over the plate and then dusted with powdered sugar so I could achieve a silhouette of the fork before I plated the tender sweets next to it.



Today was Mother's Day and I did visit my aunt to give her tulips and some petit fours. I also brought my uncle two chocolate glazed donuts as a treat. My aunt made us a sweet and sour fish lunch. It was quite tasty!

I shopped after at the local crafts shop where I was determined to buy garland and a wire wreath to make my new wreath for the front door. The set I had was tired looking and I was of the mind to improve my feng shui. My heart was charmed with a new welcome mat I found. I took one look at it and the French word "bicyclette" came to mind. It had to come home with me. The floral design on the mat matches my wreath nicely.



Whorls of hair have taken over my head thanks to the previous chemo. I am reticent to cut them since my hair will get thinner as the new chemo goes on. Today I surprised myself by taking the picture below. I wanted to share what I looked like at the moment. The curls in the back are full. It doesn't look like the "me" I know, but here you have it.



I guess it is not that bad. ;p

Love and Hugs,
Sprinkles

Third Compartment

A Cut Above

I couldn't remember the last time I left my house without brushing my hair. Seeing the clumps of hair clinging to the brush so easily was becoming more annoying than traumatic so I didn't brush it at all. I hid my head under my cap again before leaving the house.

Jeff and I made our way to the cancer center pharmacist first to drop off my refills for after chemo on Friday. We then went to the floor below to the salon for my shave. I didn't feel sad and I didn't give any tears. There was only a sense of surreal about the whole process. My scalp was tender and that's what I concentrated on.

The salon hairdresser offered to turn the chair so I wouldn't have to see the process but what was the point? I would have to see my bald head eventually. Seeing half my head shaved was weird. The razor could be felt buzzing around my head and I could feel it being moved around. My only thought was that it wasn't me -- it wasn't happening to me but to someone else.

Jeff said it was hard to watch the shave though he knew it was for the best. He agreed to video the floor and the back of my head so I could get snapshots for my blog. Oh -- Serina, Kimmee's daughter came to see me and give support during the whole process. With Jeff, Serina and the salon hairdresser, I was able to get a consensus on how the wig looked after it was styled.

Hair on floor:


Deed done:


My new wig is not me -- I am growing to like it. The following shot is awkward, but I wanted to show you the cut. The bangs came with the wig and were cut further so the whole thing wasn't straight across and some of the long strands in the front were cut more to the shape of my face. Had I kept it, the look would've look harsh. Jeff said the hair make me look shy?? I think that is what he said.



For being there for me, I took Jeff out for lunch and then he accompanied me to the grocery shopping I have been wanting to do for a whole week. I spent $150 but saved $41. My coffers were almost bare and I needed to make sure I have food on hand especially since I will be recovering from my second chemo next week as I try to assimilate back to work.

I took Jeff back home after he helped me carry groceries. There was another errand I needed to complete so I did that while I had my wig on. My wig was replaced with a snood later, but on me it looks an oversized beret with my big head. I am not comfortable yet going without any head covering at home. Seeing my head bare again didn't produce any tears. I was pleasantly surprised that my head shape was actually not bad. My head was not shaved to the skin. It is more like a 5 o'clock shadow which will soon fall out. The scalp is still tender and I was told the sensation will go away.

The shave is done. We can all breathe again. Thanks for all your support through messages on facebook, texts on my phone, e-mails and comments on my blog. All of it helped me get through this difficult stage of my cancer cure. xxo

Love,
Sarah

A Cut Above

Getting Crabby

Have you ever taken one of those packages of shower caps from a hotel along with the free shampoo, conditioner, etc.? I am sure you have taken one or more of something. My fingers were rummaging through one of the containers in my bathroom closet praying for a shower cap. I found one!

As you know my hair strands are committing chemo-kaze by launching themselves from my "no longer developing follicles" to land indiscriminately at a rate of speed that takes my breath away. This morning was the first day I found loose strands on my pillow. That means I can no longer style it at all. I have to avoid brushing it only when necessary. A shower cap allowed me to shower without getting my hair wet. Talk about a lifesaver -- one cheap plastic cap with elastic!

I capped my head again and gently brushed around the cap after getting dressed and putting on make-up. Kathy called me just as I was leaving for my aunt's to arrange to pick up her aerobed. I felt confident in my cap as I went out in the rain with Kathy's aerobed in tow.

My aunt's house was loud with her grandchildren running amok. They provided easy amusement while we waited for our steamed Alaskan crab leg dinner to be ready. My family was crowded around the dining room table. Somehow I ended up between two grandkids I had to assist opening crab legs. This slowed down my crab eating so I was last at the table. My uncle came to see what I was doing while he helped to clean off the table. I told him I was pondering a call I received when I drove up. I received a call that disturbed me because it had caught me by surprise and I was trying to figure out what it meant.

Kathy ended up meeting me back at my place to pick up her aerobed instead of my aunt's. We chatted a while before she made her way back home to Jacksonville. Me? I texted Tawny's husband Jeff to remind him that the salon trip tomorrow was a shave and a wig styling. He is working from home part of the day and accompanying me for my shave. Jeff is a great guy and I am very lucky he volunteered for the job. God knows I would have never asked. Why am I always surprised at the outpouring of support and available help? Maybe it is because I never take that kind of generosity and heart for granted. I do not forget how wickedly blessed I am.

Kisses,
Sprinkles xo

Getting Crabby

Last Dance

You thought you were having a Bad Hair Day? I am just letting you know that I think I win the contest. The picture the other day of my hair was nothing compared to this result after three swipes on partially wet hair this afternoon.



This progression makes today the last official day of me shampooing my hair. I am afraid to dry it since the follicles are no longer how they once were before the chemo. Monday's shave cannot come soon enough. Thanks to my friends and family, I have a full weekend to not think about it too much. One thing is for sure: I will miss the slow dance of my fingers through my hair while I shampoo it. Big Sigh.

Last Dance

Day 13

Today is the day the clumps of hair started coming off. This picture below is two gentle brushes on wet hair. Errant strands kept coming off when I tried to dry my head with a hair dryer. They just keep coming even when I've stopped drying to join with the tears that keep coming.

My heart is officially broken. I can't wait until Monday. Friday is my day of choice to shave my head. My aunt happened to call me as it was happening and offered to accompany me to the salon and I will take her up on it. Reality is here.

UPDATE: I couldn't get an appointment for the shave and wig styling until Monday at 11am. Monday it is.

Day 13

Vanity Blues

Time flies when you're a social butterfly and a beading fool...

Saturday was Tawnyday. We spent part of the day shopping for more components for my bracelets as well as some sewing stuff. By the time we finished we were famished for lunch. We hiked up our Lederhosen inside a casual German restaurant. One more shopping stop and we went our own separate ways. Tawny came over again in the evening for beading and chatting. Her husband was sweet enough to remember me during his baking day. I was the recipient of a loaf of banana bread. Yum!

Sunday was almost a lazy day, but the family dinner I planned to celebrate my aunt's 65th birthday was scheduled for 4:30pm. During my shower I found myself sobbing because my days of being able to enjoy shampooing and conditioning my hair are numbered. I got myself together to meet my family at a Greek restaurant where we enjoyed our feast and the live music. (Yes, I was just at the same restaurant with Jill on Friday.)

When I came home, I called my cousin Angie to give her an update on the dinner. I also ended up sobbing some more and discussing my impending hair loss. I will be losing something that gives me great joy. Over the years I have spent more money than any of my friends on my hair cuts and color. I take care of my hair. It is a conscious part of me and I will lose the joy it gives me. Meanwhile, there are women who barely run a brush through their hair or even care enough to color their hair that get to keep their hair. It is not fair. Any day now I will see clumps of hair coming off my scalp thanks to the chemotherapy working through my system.

For a long time I will not be able to wash or dry my hair, color and cut, flip or slide strands from my face or put behind my ears once I have it shaved next Monday. I feel ashamed at how I am carrying on about this when there have been people who have lost their hair because of more horrific things like genocide. I know I am more than my hair, but it is that part of woman that gives her some allure, a part of her sexuality. It is one of the first things a man notices about a woman he meets.

Eventually all this chemo crap will be over and my life will start again. A part of that is dating. Yes, I will have my wig and scarves while I wait for regrowth, but it is not the same. It is one more thing I have to explain to someone new. Surely I can be forgiven for being so vain?
.

Vanity Blues

Blubbering

Ovaries. I thought that having my ovaries gone would make me less emotional. Holy shit was I wrong! I've been blubbering for days on my anticipated hair loss about two weeks after I start chemotherapy. That's why I haven't posted...

After Nan's Tampa service, I hung out with my family two nights in a row. My cousin Angie even stayed the night before one of my doctor's appointments so she could accompany me the next day. I was proud to be able to introduce her to my new medical family as I was proud to introduce them to her. Moffitt Cancer Center is a Tier 1 facility and it showed. The best part of our visit with my surgeon was that he said I no longer had to have my wound vac attached to me. I was given free rein to shower when I wanted and not be tethered to an appliance designed to help me heal. The caveat was that my wound would need to be changed/redressed twice a day. I've been changing it myself now and have the home nurse coming in twice a week to check its progress.

My life has been mostly spent making numerous calls, making appointments and attending them. I picked up my first set of meds at the Center for my chemo aftercare. During the same day, I had a wig consult at the salon, a floor below. This was very rough and a harder pill to swallow. When I finally picked out a wig, it was $285 and is reimbursable by my insurance company thank God! It should come in the correct dark burgundy color next week and will be cut and styled to my liking once I go back to pick it up.

I still have some more head covering preparation to complete. In two weeks after my March 12th chemo appointment, I will have my head shaved. They still leave about 1/4 inch of hair, I think. We lose heat through our heads so I will have to get a cotton cap for sleeping and scarves for no wig days. This is the priciest chic site but the pre-tied design and color options are gorgeous. Here is what is coming in the mail: under Silk, find "Black and Bloom" and click on it to see it.

For every ONE chic website selling head coverings, there are 10 sites selling ugly versions. It is almost a crime. The things are so hideous you'd rather walk around bald! (Not me of course -- too vain. Hee.) Please buy our ugly things because you as a cancer patient don't feel bad enough -- you gotta show the world that you do. Sprinkles will be buying something from here and here. Researching all these sites have empowered me to meet inevitability. This is my way of dealing with it, but I still find myself crying throughout the day. I did remind my boss today during our call that we will have similar hair only my hair will grow back full. I laughed loud when I said it. He wasn't laughing as much.

Oh yes -- almost forgot. I had a doctor's appointment this morning with my primary care doctor for my legs which have swollen again. I left with a prescription for water pills, a bilateral prescription for an ultrasound on legs and an extension for returning to work. He felt that I needed more time. Honestly, I forget how extensive my surgery was almost two months ago.

I have the water pills which I will start taking tomorrow morning... One of a radiology company's branches had an opening today. The ultrasound hurt during the swipes and pressure on my upper inner thighs on both legs. Hearing my blood move around was really weird -- sounded like an alien. The doctor should receive results very quickly and advise course of action... My return-to-work date was set for March 15th and now it will be April 2nd. I am bummed that I will be missing work; however, I am relieved to have some time to deal with first chemo and the subsequent hair loss. My aunt is staying with me during my port installation (easier to draw blood and infuse chemo) next Thursday and overnight that night and for after my chemo on Friday. I just have to continue to follow the plan. Summer will be sweeter because these portions will be completed.

It is not all about chemo preparation and hair loss. In between blubbering and appointments, I had dinner and a movie at Tawny's last Friday and I had dinner tonight with Kimmee and her husband. I received a multitude of texts and calls today from my girlies. Been playing on facebook and again on twitter. There is also another blog I started. ("Can you find it?" asks your mysterious AGOL). I still feel I am the luckiest AGOL around.

Kisses,
S

PS I love Melody Gardot and I love love love this song. I bought her enchanting album today.
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Blubbering