Love Infusion No. 5

Unsure of how I felt today, I continued as if I were sure of myself and how I would deal with my fifth and second to final infusion of chemotherapy...

I got up and took my water pill before getting online to read a bit and getting on facebook to update "my status". For my breakfast, I ate a chopped avocado like cereal by adding almond milk and two tablespoons of agave nectar (low glycemic sweetener). Then it was time to take a shower.

At 6:30 I received a knock on my door. It was my uncle who had come to pick me up. He was an hour early! OMG. My aunt told him the wrong time. I still had to put my make-up on, get dressed, vacuum, and make sure I prepare my bag for the day. Sigh. No worries. I adjusted. I decided to skip vacuuming and made my uncle some fresh coffee instead. He drank coffee and watched the news while I got myself together.

My uncle was not spending the day with me at the cancer center -- just giving me a ride. This would cause me great stress as I would worry if he was entertained enough or was eating enough. I turned down Tawny's husband's offer to take me, too, as I would feel the same way. I was stressed when he took me for Love Chemo #3. He was working part of the time during the day and I got worried if he was missing something important when we moved from one part of the building to the next as we progressed through my day at the cancer center.

Men get bored easily and need constant forms of stimuli as well as usually have some form of Attention Deficit Disorder. I don't want them to feel like martyrs or taking one for team. This is ingrained behavior from childhood...to wait on men. Jeezus -- sometimes I wish I didn't fully nurture this gene, but that's the way it is. Why? Because it is stupid. Good for the men in my life though. Bastards. Ha. OKAY TO BE FAIR -- I treat all my friends/family this way. More on this later...

I carried this basket of cookies as a gift for my surgeon and his staff:




Eight designs and everything on the cookie is edible:



I had the nurse who took my blood draw pick one out. She was working the check-in desk, but took time out to draw my blood at my request. We've gotten to know each other and she gave me a spontaneous hug before I left. It made me smile as I made my way to pick up a refill prescription before a small break at the cafe. My surgeon appointment check-in was 30 minutes away.

Like last time with the bakery box filled with chocolate ganache cupcakes I made, I got curious stares and a worker was curious enough to ask and show the other workers at the cafe. One of the ladies behind the counter wanted me to make one that said CANCER SUCKS. Why the hell would I do that? Yes, we all know it does, but why feed others words that are negative? I am all about moving away from fear and moving towards joy. It can be a difficult journey so I am not adding that ever.

Actually seeing my surgeon was later than I had hoped. I don't like delays. There was no student doctor or any other doctor to see me before my surgeon. He was it and my favorite nurse attending me. (I told my nurse who happens to be Russian all the Russian words I knew and was complemented on my pronounciation -- yay!) My surgeon is very pleased with my progress and seems surprised at the low presence of side effects with the exception of increasing fatigue. He doesn't fully understand how I've taken it on as a project to mitigate the side effects as much as I can through diet, supplements, sleep and behavior modification. I am a research fanatic.

I asked him some questions like:

1) Can I consume alcohol? Yes -- I can have a glass of wine if I want.
2) How long are the chemicals in my system after my last chemo? Six to seven weeks. The fatigue could last much longer. Grrr. I intend to be the exception not the norm thanks to the overachiever I am.
3) Did he enjoy my chocolate ganache cupcakes from the last visit? He looked at me with a half smile and said he very much enjoyed them and said that I definitely have a talent. Gawd..If he only knew the craziness I am capable of at any given moment! He seemed a bit embarrassed which I took as he ate a few too many even though he shared with his staff. There were about 30 of them. LOL

I was worried about my food intake today because it is advisable to have a full tummy during chemotherapy. I had a protein with fiber shake before my exam and ate a special granola bar while I waited to be called for my chemo. Serina didn't come to take my lunch order as she's done for all my treatments so far. I found out later when she came to see me that she was swamped at work. It was no big deal as the infusion center provides bagged lunch choices.

There was a delay for my chemo which I suspected because my surgeon was delayed as well as the floor was short of staff. This both upset and pleased me. It upset me because I wanted to get out at 5pm and pleased because I didn't have to rush through lunch and it had some time to digest. This must be key for when the Benadryl drip was administered, I wasn't as immediately sleepy.

Before my "chemo cocktails" were facilitated, I wrote my friend Jill a note and placed it on the counter next to me with a bottled water, one of my cookies and a small piece of chocolate. It was waiting for her when she arrived at 1:30pm when I was already asleep. (See what I mean about nurturing????? I always think of ways to make feel people appreciated and special. What you give out to the universe is what you get back. I get back a ton!)

After a bathroom break during my chemotherapy, I was able to see my fellow GLAMcer friend sitting in one of the infusion chairs. I visited for about five minutes. She gave me her professional card and added her e-mail and cell phone number. We are going to make walking dates after work since we work around the same area AND we live near enough. Talk about cool bananas!

During Jill's visit, I managed to stay awake longer than previous times. We laughed a lot. She was stunning as always. She left at 4:30pm to pick up her kids. It was like the changing of the guard. Serina came for a short spell at the same time. I urged her to go home and wash the day off with a shower. She looked exhausted and frustrated. Serina received two cookies to take home.

All my drips were finished by 5:30pm. My aunt and uncle were waiting for me outside. They drove me home and stayed a little over an hour. My uncle looked tired from waking up too early and from his exercise at the gym. My aunt brought me some food so I wouldn't have to cook that night or a few more meals. She is very sweet. I brewed them coffee and gave them a piece each of the cookies I made which makes the amount of cookies Sprinkles has in her home to zero.

I spent the evening reminiscing about the day and just relaxing. Ended up snoozing on the couch for a few hours before washing the day away. I wholeheartedly recommend taking a shower at night every night to wash any negative energy you've taken on throughout the day whether that is contact with other people or of your own doing. Why would you want to take all that crap to sleep and marinate in it? Of course, I take a quick shower in the morning, too. It just makes me feel good.

Overall, my day was great! Thanks for all your facebook comments & facebook private messages and supportive e-mails, my lovelies. Every bit helps me get through the day.

Hugs and Kisses,
Sarah Sprinkles

PS...My friend Jill said something more unusual than she does. When she opened the package of cookie and tasted it. She said it reminded her of me. Huh? She said she could close her eyes and immediately knew it was me. The flavoring she was tasting were vanilla and almond extracts. The cookie itself was not overly sweet because of the added royal icing or hard sugar icing on top, but there was definitely butter. Hee.

Love Infusion No. 5

Tambourine

Some side-effects of cancer are beneficial. It is not in the physical sense, but in the emotional and spiritual sense. Cancer gives the permission to most people like myself to relax and enjoy life more without limitations. I've taken life not as seriously as I used to before January which would be a surprise to most who know me.

I used to give off the illusion of carefree. The carefree only mattered if I could control it. Does that make sense? Kind of like controlled chaos. Now my mantra comes from Richard Branson, "Screw it. Let's do it."

My week after chemo couldn't progress fast enough. The recovery is taking a day or two longer. Instead of feeling like myself early Wednesday, it is now late Thursday or early Friday. I hope this time is the exception not the norm. Blogging has taken a back burner to making sure I manage my energy at the end of the day.

My plans for this evening was to meet Dianne for Happy Hour at a trendy steakhouse across the road from my work. The place is expensive but they have made meals and drinks at the bar area affordable until 7pm. I am not big on steak so a big dinner in the main dining room would be a waste for me.

Dianne was sitting in a padded red half-moon booth when I arrived. She hadn't seen me since the week before my head shave and didn't recognize me as I came around the bar. The bar area was lit low and intimate. It wasn't until I stopped in front of her that she realized it was me! The faux hair and my dressed up slimmer body threw her off. We enjoyed two seafood appetizers, delicious gourmet hamburgers and drinks. No, I didn't have wine, but a fruity non-alcoholic drink. I was waiting for the bite of vodka or rum at the end of each sip that never came. Sigh. I envied her glasses of red wine and my hair (again!) because the waitress gushed over how much she loved it.

I was thankful for the change in pace and venue. It made me feel like a normal adult going out and enjoying life with the spectre of cancer hidden back. We laughed and talked about an upcoming trip. In July, I will tag along on her yearly trip to Captiva Island with her other set of girlfriends. I can't wait! They try to coincide it with a fishing tournament that occurs in the area around the same time which means the ratio of men to women are higher. Mind you, she and her girlies are married, but it gives them a chance to flirt and behave badly around each other before returning to their suburban lives.

Energized from my dinner with Dianne, I was about to call Tawny and Jeff to see if they wanted to go to my happy place for bubble drinks. I noticed a message of a missed call and a voicemail from Serina. She was just leaving her parent's home after having dinner out with them when I called her back. They had been concerned at how my recovery from this chemo was going and wanted to invite me to dinner. I changed my plans and invited Serina to meet me at the bubble place instead. (Sorry Tawny!) We needed to catch up on stuff since I barely saw her at my last chemo appointment.

Man, I felt like a celebrity in my happy place. Two people greeted me warmly when they noticed I was seated waiting for someone. The cafe was filled with university students and other varying adult ages. They were getting ready for open mic night. I was up for live performances.

Serina and I were enjoying our drinks when one of the guys working there grabbed my hand and asked to borrow me. Before I knew it, I had a tambourine in my hand and playing it while two other guys sang and performed Fat Bottom Girls on stage. OMG! Yes, it is captured on video and no I have not looked at my Flip camera. I was introduced as Sprinkles and got a "yay Sprinkles" later when I meandered around the cafe later.

There were two flute players that performed among the other guitarists and singers taking the stage. The first one I could tell didn't have the passion for the instrument but could play it. He didn't have the magic I was expecting. The second one blew me away. He had a samba piece from his iPod playing while he played his instrument to a world class level. The guy who grabbed my hand earlier came to me and asked if I like him. I said that the vibrato and legato was amazing. I know I never played the flute like that! He then mentioned how this kid was invited to play Carnegie Hall in New York this summer. Oh, wow! Later he played "Ain't No Sunshine" and it was the most honeyed version I have ever heard. All this enjoyment for free!

There was an amateur tarot card reader present. I decided to investigate and get a reading from her. She was okay. I let her give the reading without any confirmations. At the end of it, I explained my health and situation to make sense of whatever she had told me. I also ended up giving her tips to build her confidence and show her how to give better readings. A couple things that were on my mind were illuminated.

This old lady was outpacing 23-year old Serina. The poor thing was tired from her full-time job, studying for her graduate finals and hanging out past 10pm with me. I relented and called the evening at 10:30pm. I'll have to come to my happy place again for open mic night just to be around this kind of vibe.

xo

Tambourine

Love Infusion No. 3

Knowing that a chemo day was not going to be easy for once didn't make me feel any better. I've known intuitively for weeks it was to be so. With the knowing, I made sure to be up early or my 5am regular time. By the time Tawny's husband Jeff came to accompany me to the cancer center, I had eaten before 6am, but I had waffles, bacon and coffee ready for him at 7:30am. Lunch would be a long way.

I drove us and checked in to have my blood drawn and as usual my port would not give up any precious drop. My right arm was stuck with a needle and another 1" Huber for my port plus a cocktail to loosen up whatever was making it not work for the draw. It would be in preparation for my infusion later. We made our way around the corner to pick up a refill for after chemo meds before walking a full length back to see my surgeon.

My appointment with my surgeon ended up an hour later. He was never that late. I surmised that later when I was told why my infusion was later, too, due to a machine being down for one of my blood tests (which had to be done manually!) that was the cause and he ended up seeing me anyway. This time he had a medical student interview me before she came to get him so she could perform a private exam in his presence. He seemed pleased of my progress and we talked about the issues with my port which he says is not uncommon and attributed my chest pain from recovering from the surgery, etc. We also discussed my wound and gave me another alternative to care for it so I could start fully exercising my lower body.

During all this time, Jeff was able to log into work in the waiting room thanks to the wifi at the center and he was able to find an outlet when his laptop battery was getting low. He didn't end up burning a vacation or sick day thanks to the access. I was happy he had something to occupy himself and a means to IM Tawny and others.

While we waited to be called for my infusion appointment on the 4th floor, I noticed a man in the midst of a complicated cross stitch work. I must admit I was sexist and thought him a gay man at first. Something compelled me to introduce myself and ask if I could snap a pic for my blog to show how others were coping with their chemotherapy and cancer in general.

Here is Dave with his amazing Victorian houses:



Dave ended up a great guy to talk to before we were called in. Jeff was in the corner logged into work and plugged into a different outlet. He was close enough to listen to the conversation.

At 55, Dave was a special case with three different types of cancers; needless to say, he was on a special team. The one cancer has him carrying an ostomy bag that with a permanent marker, he drew a smiley face and words below it that says, "Shit Happens" which caused the nurses and doctor to laugh today when they examined him. He has to go through radiation and chemotherapy, but will get to keep his full head of hair. Lucky duck!

I liked Dave. He talked about his wife and how they use to own a bed and breakfast in St. Petersburg, about an hour away. Dave got his start doing needlework 16+ years ago to pass time away on a ship that transports to the oil rigs in the Gulf of Mexico. In fact, the rig that just blew up was a sister rig to the one he went to before his health issues. He has other needlework projects waiting for him and takes pride in his progress.

We agreed on our approach to cancer -- lots of humor! He said he sat on our side of the waiting room because the other side was filled with "doe in the headlights" type of people. I decided then and there that our side was where the "cool kids were sitting". Yeah!

My little angel Serina took time out from her research schedule to come to sit a while before she took our lunch order. My lunch was a tortilla wrap filled with ham, brie, and apples while Jeff had a zesty buffalo chicken wrap. I was thankfully able to eat mine right before the Benadryl drip took me to sleep. Maybe I woke up twice? I know I woke up when my bladder decided it needed to be emptied. Jeff was not in sight. I figured he was in the waiting room logged into his laptop. When I returned, he was waiting for me. Serina came again -- it was about 4-ish and she stayed a while before she had to pick up pretty dog Belle from doggie daycare. Kimmee was out of town and she was helping care for the pooch.

My last bag of chemicals was completed around 5:45pm making my stay at the hospital almost nine hours. It was a little rough but went quick. I felt groggier and slower than the last time. Jeff was a good cookie and continued to carry my extra bag. Before we left the elevator well on the bottom floor, I could have sworn I saw a red heart sprinkle. How could it have traveled that far from the other building and still exist from mid-January was my first thought? I backtracked. Jeff did too when I told him what I thought I saw. We found nothing. Jeff said it was meant for me only. I smiled at the phantom image. Perhaps a soul letting me know something -- giving me a soul kiss to cheer me?

I asked Jeff to make one stop at a fast food place so I could get a salad for dinner. There was no point in me trying to make dinner for myself as tired as I was this time. Jeff had dinner waiting for him at home with his family. I was grateful he lasted all day. Three more chemotherapy cocktails or "happy hours" to go, my lovelies...

Love,
Sarah Sprinkles xxoo

Love Infusion No. 3

No Rest for the Wicked

Kids are natural ghouls -- fans of things gross, uncomfortable and slightly scary. The kids in my family are definite ghouls. We are constantly teasing them mercilessly. This afternoon I had my cousin's kid Kristen sit on my lap facing me and watch as I slowly revealed my bald head by pushing back the wig off my head.

"Ew! Don't ever go outside like that," was her response.

I wasn't offended in the least. We were giggling the whole time. Her brother Carter watched with his mouth open as he peered on the other side of the sliding glass doors into the living room. I asked him later if it was weird. He smiled big and said "yes". Later he told me how much he liked my wig. Their mother said I reminded her of Cirque du Soleil with the dramatic make-up and bald head. It was an odd comparison but I knew what she meant. I got up and showed her husband in the front room. He didn't bat an eyelash. I think he was taken aback and trying to keep cool. For once, he was speechless.

Why reveal to the kids? I had talked about getting shaved weeks ago and when they saw me this time around I had a new hairdo. I find it easier if you are more honest with kids about what is going on in your life, in this case -- cancer, and what happens during the its treatment. Knowing things gives them comfort instead of wondering why the appearance of someone they love keeps changing in an unusual way. You don't have to be macabre or bang them over the head with the truth; however, being secretive does them no favors...

I have not blogged in a while because I have been mentally tired from work and my evenings have been consumed with planned and unplanned visits. On Wednesday, I was too tired from my Tuesday night outing. Serina visited on Thursday because she wanted to paint my toes a very dark apple red. Friday had Tawny making a stop to visit after she and her husband walked around the apartment complex around 8pm.

Why not turn them down I hear someone asking? I don't turn them down because my chemo is on the 23rd and during that weekend I am sequestered at home to recover from my third infusion. Maximizing my time with friends and family in between chemo recoveries is very important to me no matter how it tires me.

By noon today I had already gone with Kimmee to a quilt shop. I bought a yard each of three fabric designs I am going to sew into envelope pillow covers for the pillows on my sofa. One of my goals is to do manageable changes within my apartment during my chemotherapy (two and a half more months!). I can't sand and prepare furniture for paint and paint them but I can do some light sewing.

My aunt changed our dinner plans for Sunday to this afternoon since my cousin's family was available. You may remember telling you that my aunt is going to the Philippines next week for three weeks. This meant that I had to cancel my dinner plans with Kimmee and Serina. Family first...

I made one stop to my new happy place before venturing to my aunt's. The owner was singing and playing an electric guitar as I walked in. I placed my signature order of jackfruit with mango jelly and boba (translation: jackfruit flavored slush drink with little bits of mango flavored jelly and giant tapioca pearls at the bottom) with the Vietnamese guy behind the counter. I had to reveal to him that I had my Asian license to order that particular flavor. HA! Once I assured him I was half-Filipino, he seemed relieved to make me the drink again from the last time I was in the cafe. He was too busy before to ask.

When I was finished confirming my order and turned towards the small stage, the Caucasian owner was excited to see me and announced to me from the stage how he was having his own private concert. I clapped to show my own enthusiasm. He was a better guitar player than singer, but I appreciated his enthusiasm while he sang "Your Song" by Elton John while my drinks were being made. (I ordered an extra one for my aunt to try.) My drinks were ready when he started another song. I raised my drinks to him on the way out and I was rewarded a smile and accompanying wink for my effort. His age was hard to tell with his boyish face and all gray hair. I will have to wait two more weekends to bring my laptop and actually sit a while.

The week before chemo seems to have a harried pattern to try and get things done. I have extra cleaning to do as well as make my chemo candy bracelets. Wish me luck on making it through with work and everything else. There is no rest for the wicked.

Hugs,
Sprinkles

No Rest for the Wicked

Love Infusion No. 2

Are four alarms enough to make sure your AGOL wakes up in time for her second chemo infusion? Okay, it was a bit overkill, but I didn't make it into bed until 1:30am. In case you needed to know, two alarms were sufficient to get up at 6/6:10am. One to open my eyes and the other to remind me I had to get out of bed and make it up again so the superfluous decorator pillows were displayed nicely over the comforter.

I woke up my aunt at 7am so she could complete her morning regimen. While she did that I prepared her cereal in the bowl, a banana for her to add on the side and some sexy coffee I made. I introduced her to a new brand of almond milk I have fallen in love with for her cereal. Breakfast was eaten and a last minute check-up performed in our bags for snacks and paperwork for the entire day at the cancer center.

Check-in was great. Found out I didn't have to include a co-pay of $30 as my visit was considered a follow-up to my port install surgery. My surgeon was surprised to see me NOT undressed and ordered me to quickly undress for my "cookie" exam. (There is so much I want to interject here -- just snicker with me instead.) When he re-entered the exam room, I was giggling behind the curtain and my aunt on the other side was giggling, too.

My wound no longer needs any covering and I can safely exercise even a bit more strenuously if I want. He said I looked good. Of course, my rock star surgeon -- glamor make-up, sassy wig and scintillating smile makes Sprinkles easier to gaze at. LOL Before I long I had a metal speculum inserted and then his own surgeon's human (ahem) digits. You know. No pain or anything. He was very pleased. He left and came back with a prescription for my return to work on Monday and a reminder that every exam from now on will require a vaginal exam. Well, now. Just of the girls: Isn't like a man to rush you to undress, feel you up all kinds of manner and still leave you unsatisfied? AND I am paying for the privilege. Hee.

My surgeon's nurse met me outside to give me papers for my next appointment. I showed her my chemo candy bracelet on my wrist that says "chemo sexy". She laughed and wanted to show my surgeon. I gave her one to give him which said the same thing and she mentioned that I could sell them downstairs at the gift shop. Maybe later when I can get a schedule together and my online shop is up and running, I can expand. Wild, huh?

I scurried with my aunt to the pharmacy to get my after chemo meds. Instead of paying $20 like last time, my refill together was under $8. We then made it to the fourth floor for my blood draw where I was informed that my appointment was supposed to be downstairs at 7:15am. What?! All of the paper work I have and the automated call confirmed for 9:30am blood draw. Someone had changed the schedule two days ago and never called me. I told the nice lady that I was not dragging my aunt again downstairs after taking her to the other building for the meds. I also informed her I was not happy and for her to figure it out. My scheduling times were meticulously recorded in two places for me not to forget because of my chemo brain which makes my memory a little crazy. A supervisor quickly got me in and then took care of other things for my next appointment.

So......my port was a bit temperamental. I required a 1" Huber needle (read as big ass needle) instead of a 3/4" needle for my port. The nurse had the worst time trying to get blood and had to stick me in the arm with a regular needle for the first draw. I teased her that maybe I received the "dumb ass port" instead of the "smart port". She had me pumping my left arm, coughing, breathing heavily and I even jumped up and down when she had me stand up. We resorted to a plaque clearing solution that had to be administered by a higher ranking nurse so that my port would be ready for my infusion.

While my aunt and I were in the waiting area, I found out that I needed more blood draws for kidney and liver function which were probably ordered by my surgeon thus resulting in my infusion being an hour later. The delay was okay because Serina was coming to get our orders for lunch and we could eat leisurely.

Regarding my Chemo Candy bracelets, I gave one out to a lady in the clinic area. She was very surprised and bemused, but I knew in my heart she needed one. I later felt her gaze upstairs in the infusion center waiting room. I gave out more bracelets in the infusion center to more receptive individuals who smiled and wore them immediately. One elderly lady received hers on her first day of chemo. She was thankful as was her family. I gave one to my needle a nurse and two more to a man and a lady who took their places next to me in the afternoon. Their infusion was only for an hour each, mine was 4.5 hours this time. Serina took one for someone in her office when she came later to check on me. I had two left for the guys. It would seem that the ratio of women to men getting chemo was much higher.

My aunt drove us home and I made us more sexy coffee. We chatted while I cooked some jasmine rice to her liking. She likes the rice drier than sticky like Angie and me. My leftover noodle dish was reheated as a main dish with rice, hot sauce and ponzu sauce. We ate like Filipino princesses!

Tawny came later to visit us and I served us some caramel praline ice cream with chocolate peanut cookie sticks on the side. We dissected the day and laughed like girlies. Tawny eventually left since she had a very early start to her day. My aunt and I chatted the evening away until the day finally caught up on us. We found it hard to keep our lids open.

Love,
Sarah xo

Love Infusion No. 2

Card Reading

Today (April Fool's Day) made me so mad that I cannot include most of in this blog. My other blog with Tawny -- have you found it yet? -- gets to have my less genteel and less loving entries. Sometimes you just have to vent any incredible bile boiling within someplace specific to get it off your chest...

Kimmee and her daughter Serina (plus cute doggie Belle!) came over around 8pm. Serina had requested a card reading from me a few hours earlier. I almost said to come on the weekend, but remembered that my freshened infusion of chemo would alter my energy. She reminded me of a reading I gave her years ago that came to fruition regarding her chosen medical field and wanted new insight on things in general. Part of me was excited to see how I would feel giving a reading for someone else now that the alien protrusion from my tummy was gone. I gave Serina a reading in my bedroom for more privacy. I am not going to give you specific details of that reading but to tell you how I felt because I want to remember it later.

Giving readings to individuals who are very close to me are few and far between. (Yes, Jill - I owe you one!) It is a personal fine line and I only I agree to it if I feel good about it when asked. I could get a request for a future date and know instinctively it would not be a good day energy-wise to give a reading. Tonight's reading was last minute but health activities facilitated a yes decision and I knew she need some immediate guidance.

There we were sitting on my bed when I asked her to shuffle my Osho deck and pick seven random cards. She repeated the shuffling and then gave me an additional five cards at my request. Do not ask me how I do it every time because I don't have a routine or follow any kind of special pattern. The deck is just a tool for focusing on the individual; God knows I need special tools for focusing these days.

My favorite Osho card...naturally:


The cards may present and illustrate a theme but my inner voice gravitates to a portion of the beautiful illustrations that is more meaningful to the person who has picked the cards. I was a little nervous at first -- with the second card everything came so quickly and with such surety that my confidence built. The reading itself was for about 30 minutes and the rest of the hour, before her mother reminded us it was getting late (weeknight!), we discussed general things that were brought out by the reading. Serina felt much better and could take some mental/emotional burdens off her shoulders.

The girlies and beautiful doggie Belle left my aunt and me to talk until after midnight. We both suffer some sort of insomnia so it was easy to enable each other. It was great to be with my aunt. I went to sleep thinking more about my first reading since the alien tumor was extracted in January than my next chemo infusion.

Hugs,
Sprinkles

Card Reading

A Cut Above

I couldn't remember the last time I left my house without brushing my hair. Seeing the clumps of hair clinging to the brush so easily was becoming more annoying than traumatic so I didn't brush it at all. I hid my head under my cap again before leaving the house.

Jeff and I made our way to the cancer center pharmacist first to drop off my refills for after chemo on Friday. We then went to the floor below to the salon for my shave. I didn't feel sad and I didn't give any tears. There was only a sense of surreal about the whole process. My scalp was tender and that's what I concentrated on.

The salon hairdresser offered to turn the chair so I wouldn't have to see the process but what was the point? I would have to see my bald head eventually. Seeing half my head shaved was weird. The razor could be felt buzzing around my head and I could feel it being moved around. My only thought was that it wasn't me -- it wasn't happening to me but to someone else.

Jeff said it was hard to watch the shave though he knew it was for the best. He agreed to video the floor and the back of my head so I could get snapshots for my blog. Oh -- Serina, Kimmee's daughter came to see me and give support during the whole process. With Jeff, Serina and the salon hairdresser, I was able to get a consensus on how the wig looked after it was styled.

Hair on floor:


Deed done:


My new wig is not me -- I am growing to like it. The following shot is awkward, but I wanted to show you the cut. The bangs came with the wig and were cut further so the whole thing wasn't straight across and some of the long strands in the front were cut more to the shape of my face. Had I kept it, the look would've look harsh. Jeff said the hair make me look shy?? I think that is what he said.



For being there for me, I took Jeff out for lunch and then he accompanied me to the grocery shopping I have been wanting to do for a whole week. I spent $150 but saved $41. My coffers were almost bare and I needed to make sure I have food on hand especially since I will be recovering from my second chemo next week as I try to assimilate back to work.

I took Jeff back home after he helped me carry groceries. There was another errand I needed to complete so I did that while I had my wig on. My wig was replaced with a snood later, but on me it looks an oversized beret with my big head. I am not comfortable yet going without any head covering at home. Seeing my head bare again didn't produce any tears. I was pleasantly surprised that my head shape was actually not bad. My head was not shaved to the skin. It is more like a 5 o'clock shadow which will soon fall out. The scalp is still tender and I was told the sensation will go away.

The shave is done. We can all breathe again. Thanks for all your support through messages on facebook, texts on my phone, e-mails and comments on my blog. All of it helped me get through this difficult stage of my cancer cure. xxo

Love,
Sarah

A Cut Above

Inevitable Infusion

Excitement was not exactly the word that described what I was feeling this morning when I woke up. It was a quiet greeting to inevitability yet a happy one.

Breakfast was my first order of business. I tried not to make a lot of noise as I scarfed down on cut up banana with my cereal. My aunt was sleeping on my sofa even though I offered her a nice air mattress to sleep on. I had to eat to make sure I survived the day especially since I was the dumb bunny that signed up for a research study that involved a stress test just a couple of hours before her first chemotherapy infusion. After feeding myself, I got dressed so I could give my aunt time to get ready and eat some cereal, too.

I drove us to the hospital and checked right in the fourth floor and had blood drawn. It wasn't a quick job because my port wasn't relinquishing my blood so after a while I had to be reclined with my head lower than my feet to get the draw. I was teasing the nurse saying that the "research hookers" were probably already searching for me. My prediction was correct as I read the name on the badge of the blonde waiting for me at the second floor reception check-in. The lady behind reception recognized me from yesterday's surgery check-in and said hello.

My aunt and I were whisked into a room with all kinds of instruments. When I was firmly hooked up to various electrodes and a breathing mask, a cardiologist was called to be in place during the stress test just in case anything went awry. It went better than I thought. I started off to a slow walk then to a faster pace. My concentration was more on making sure I had the correct foot strike instead of what was happening. I only broke a sweat on my scalp, but I still felt the fatigue from yesterday.

This was me with the breathing mask plastered to my face widening it like the moon. Of course, it wasn't helping that I was laughing too hard as the "research hooker" took a movie of me.


We checked in a second time on the fourth floor for vitals which later had me alarmed. The male nurse decided to verify my height and now apparently I have shrunk. I am no longer 5'8" but 5'6.5"!!! WTF? Did I somehow get sent to space without my knowledge? Astronauts lose height every time they go to space. In reality, perhaps the tumor had been leeching all the nutrients for many years thus causing me to lose height. A heavy regimen of yoga and pilates will be in my future as soon as I can manage it for sure.

I went back out in the waiting room to tell my aunt my news while we waited for the restaurant-like buzzer assigned to me to go off signaling my infusion seat was ready. To my surprise, Kimmee's daughter Serina (she just got a research job at the hospital) came to see me. In fact she ended up seeing me two more times while I was in the infusion seat. Sweet thing. I made sure to call her mother when I got home to tell her what a good cookie she was for attending to me.

The infusion center was a catacomb of halls and rooms filled with nothing but bluish green vinyl chairs with "wings" sporting drink holders on either side. I felt like I was in my old hospital room again with the IV stand which I had to unplug its industrial size plug (normal if you live in England - hee!) to take it with me to the bathroom. There was a flat panel TV I could maneuver comfortably and attach a pair of headphones they gave me. Lunches, snacks and drinks were free to the patients. I shared everything with my aunt.

So what was it really like? I didn't have an opinion on it. It was neither good or bad, just something I had to do, you know? There was a bag for saline, Benadryl to combat any allergic reaction, Taxol (Part 1 of my chemo cocktail) and Carboplatin (Part 2 of chemo cocktail). The Benadryl had me sleeping most of the five hours it took to administer everything one by one. I was given anti-nausea pills before my last IV bag.

I couldn't stay awake to save my life. The "research hookers" tried to give me follow up instructions and give my tools and diary for my end of the research as the drug kicked in. My bladder woke me up periodically and I was able to eat a quick lunch early on. I saw Serina for one minute while she came to see me the second time. My poor aunt was left to her own devices. She watched TV and also took a walk outside. I also received several text messages from the Sprinkles Posse checking up on my progress and to send their love. My nurse called, too, to confirm our appointment. I had to put her off until Monday -- my infusion was taking longer than we previously discussed.

Aunt Maria drove us home where I suddenly became alive again. I made coffee in my French press and preheated the oven. My uncle was on his way to drop off medication for my aunt and I was set on us having frozen pizza for dinner and maybe ice cream for dessert if they were up to it. I was a busy bee for some reason or perhaps I was afraid to sit and let exhaustion take over?

Dinner was good conversation and laughter. My uncle left earlier than I anticipated. We gals made it a movie night, but I fell asleep part of the movie. Luckily I was awake enough to call Angie in California to give her an update. I eventually made it to bed around 12am. Before sleep I splayed pieces of instructions for follow-up medications in the morning, emergency instructions for side-effects and another sheet of instruction for something else on my dining room table...

I ruminated all day on how the people getting chemotherapy didn't look like me. They were all much older and if they were women, they looked like they were getting it done. Call it vanity, but I still show up dressed and made up. My aunt was dressed and made up, too! This is your life and you can prepare for whatever comes. I hope I don't sound mean to the other people; I just feel you should make the very best of it instead of surrendering to a type of resignation. Greeting inevitability with smile or an extra sparkle should go a long way to recovery, shouldn't it? In any case, today was a long day. It unfolded much better than I imagined.

Love,
Sarah
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Inevitable Infusion