Wig

Perhaps it was a decision I made ahead of time. The "feeling of okay", I mean. Okay about my current state of hair. When I told my boss I had more hair than he this afternoon, he jokingly mentioned taking my wig off. I did.

The impulse that grabbed me didn't leave fingerprints. It was as if some invisible power had been waiting patiently for the opportunity of unveiling. My boss was shocked and so was Bridget. I called Michelle over the cube farm to come and see. She squealed happily when she saw me and immediately told me how cute I looked. Michelle even said I could pull off the short hair because I had my glamor make-up on. It made me feel good.

When the awe of surprise that had taken us all subsided, I put my wig back on. Embarrassment had nothing to do with it. They understood how I felt about having short hair and not being able to curl it yet with a styling iron. I looked like a completely different person with the wig off. And that's just it. I want to look like the me I know as much as I can until I can no longer hide the evidence of my recent journey. I will be forced to look like a different version of me again soon enough. By February 2011, I suspect I will lose the wig permanently and have the fourth incarnation of a look since January of this year.

Today's lesson: Sprinkles was extra brave.

xxoo

Wig

Wig Envy

This is bit difficult to say but I am jealous of my wig. I have wig envy.

For almost three weeks now at work I have been complimented on "my hair" multiple times a day. The most surprising have been the men who have told me how much they liked it...even men who were too afraid to come up to me. What is it that makes them feel comfortable enough to tell me? I recall Tawny's husband Jeff's words at how it almost makes me look shy. Maybe it is a softer look? I almost want to scream to everyone how cool and edgy my short hair was before! Only about a couple dozen people at work saw that hairstyle during a brief February visit. Sniffle.

I haven't been secretive about the wig, but now that I have informed the co-workers I have more than a passing acquaintance I no longer correct other people. I figured the word would be passed along. Please don't misunderstand me. I am happy that my wig looks like real hair because I do love it and it brings me comfort in looking like myself.

One day I will have enough hair to shed my wig. From then I will grow my hair to its former glory to my make wig envious.

Kisses,
Sprinkles

Wig Envy

No Rest for the Wicked

Kids are natural ghouls -- fans of things gross, uncomfortable and slightly scary. The kids in my family are definite ghouls. We are constantly teasing them mercilessly. This afternoon I had my cousin's kid Kristen sit on my lap facing me and watch as I slowly revealed my bald head by pushing back the wig off my head.

"Ew! Don't ever go outside like that," was her response.

I wasn't offended in the least. We were giggling the whole time. Her brother Carter watched with his mouth open as he peered on the other side of the sliding glass doors into the living room. I asked him later if it was weird. He smiled big and said "yes". Later he told me how much he liked my wig. Their mother said I reminded her of Cirque du Soleil with the dramatic make-up and bald head. It was an odd comparison but I knew what she meant. I got up and showed her husband in the front room. He didn't bat an eyelash. I think he was taken aback and trying to keep cool. For once, he was speechless.

Why reveal to the kids? I had talked about getting shaved weeks ago and when they saw me this time around I had a new hairdo. I find it easier if you are more honest with kids about what is going on in your life, in this case -- cancer, and what happens during the its treatment. Knowing things gives them comfort instead of wondering why the appearance of someone they love keeps changing in an unusual way. You don't have to be macabre or bang them over the head with the truth; however, being secretive does them no favors...

I have not blogged in a while because I have been mentally tired from work and my evenings have been consumed with planned and unplanned visits. On Wednesday, I was too tired from my Tuesday night outing. Serina visited on Thursday because she wanted to paint my toes a very dark apple red. Friday had Tawny making a stop to visit after she and her husband walked around the apartment complex around 8pm.

Why not turn them down I hear someone asking? I don't turn them down because my chemo is on the 23rd and during that weekend I am sequestered at home to recover from my third infusion. Maximizing my time with friends and family in between chemo recoveries is very important to me no matter how it tires me.

By noon today I had already gone with Kimmee to a quilt shop. I bought a yard each of three fabric designs I am going to sew into envelope pillow covers for the pillows on my sofa. One of my goals is to do manageable changes within my apartment during my chemotherapy (two and a half more months!). I can't sand and prepare furniture for paint and paint them but I can do some light sewing.

My aunt changed our dinner plans for Sunday to this afternoon since my cousin's family was available. You may remember telling you that my aunt is going to the Philippines next week for three weeks. This meant that I had to cancel my dinner plans with Kimmee and Serina. Family first...

I made one stop to my new happy place before venturing to my aunt's. The owner was singing and playing an electric guitar as I walked in. I placed my signature order of jackfruit with mango jelly and boba (translation: jackfruit flavored slush drink with little bits of mango flavored jelly and giant tapioca pearls at the bottom) with the Vietnamese guy behind the counter. I had to reveal to him that I had my Asian license to order that particular flavor. HA! Once I assured him I was half-Filipino, he seemed relieved to make me the drink again from the last time I was in the cafe. He was too busy before to ask.

When I was finished confirming my order and turned towards the small stage, the Caucasian owner was excited to see me and announced to me from the stage how he was having his own private concert. I clapped to show my own enthusiasm. He was a better guitar player than singer, but I appreciated his enthusiasm while he sang "Your Song" by Elton John while my drinks were being made. (I ordered an extra one for my aunt to try.) My drinks were ready when he started another song. I raised my drinks to him on the way out and I was rewarded a smile and accompanying wink for my effort. His age was hard to tell with his boyish face and all gray hair. I will have to wait two more weekends to bring my laptop and actually sit a while.

The week before chemo seems to have a harried pattern to try and get things done. I have extra cleaning to do as well as make my chemo candy bracelets. Wish me luck on making it through with work and everything else. There is no rest for the wicked.

Hugs,
Sprinkles

No Rest for the Wicked

Eurasian Pixie

A very sweet friend gave me the name of my new look: Eurasian Pixie. Sounds groovy to me. That's what I am going to tell other people when I explain why I chose this particular wig or look.

My wig took me two tries to put on this morning only because I hadn't asked the salon hairdresser how to do it yesterday and to be honest, I was not paying attention. The only thing I have to get used to is having hair in my eyes. I am too afraid to put the wig back more for fear of it popping off or slipping at an inopportune time. Ha.

My nurse was most annoying to me today. She had called at 10:18am to make a window appointment between 12pm and 12:30pm. When 1pm rolled around without a call, I called her phone and left her a voicemail saying that with or without her I would be leaving at 1:30pm or 1:45pm. I had stuff to do and I was ready to leave the apartment. Wouldn't you know she called me at 1:30pm to ask if I was still home and that she was on the road and two minutes from me? Two minutes my ass. She was almost 16 minutes. Grrr. To top it off -- there was NO APOLOGY. This nurse is very nice but her time management skills have got to go. The appointment is an easy earning of money for her -- believe me.

My "To Do List" was very specific today: finish clothes shopping. Two stores yielded me another pair of black denim jeans, two pairs of dark blue denim jeans, one pair of chinos, one white camisole to wear under my new turquoise blouse from the other day, three new bras, one black lacy underwear (ooh-lala!) and two pairs of large earrings to wear especially during scarf days. I also did a bit more grocery shopping since I forgot some things from yesterday.

For dinner I cooked the best veggie product: smoked hickory barbecue "riblet". Oh my gosh was it delicious! My craving for barbecue was satisfied with a mystery veggie product slathered in sauce. I eat about 65% meatless dishes and I am hoping to increase the percentage going forward.

My evening was further brightened by a wacky call from Jill. She says my hair reminds her of a "spy look". I reminded her of one of my facebook comments regarding Emma Peel of The Avengers. Our sense of the ridiculous was amplified within minutes. Who needs to watch blockbuster drama films when we can create our own and laugh like girlies having a slumber party? She always astounds me and makes me laugh out loud. Jill can do all this while directing her two energetic sons for their evening routine.

It is late now, the news is on. I finally took my wig off and it is next to my laptop until I let it rest on its wig stand. The whole wig thing feels normal at the end of today. After my shower, I will don my Super Comfy Super Soft Sleep Cap. I guess it is my version of a nightcap until I can have any kind of alcohol in late summer. Meanwhile, I will find ways to play up my new look.

Hugs,
Sprinkles xo

PS Check this out: Bald Model. If only my own cranium looked so chic naked!

Eurasian Pixie

A Cut Above

I couldn't remember the last time I left my house without brushing my hair. Seeing the clumps of hair clinging to the brush so easily was becoming more annoying than traumatic so I didn't brush it at all. I hid my head under my cap again before leaving the house.

Jeff and I made our way to the cancer center pharmacist first to drop off my refills for after chemo on Friday. We then went to the floor below to the salon for my shave. I didn't feel sad and I didn't give any tears. There was only a sense of surreal about the whole process. My scalp was tender and that's what I concentrated on.

The salon hairdresser offered to turn the chair so I wouldn't have to see the process but what was the point? I would have to see my bald head eventually. Seeing half my head shaved was weird. The razor could be felt buzzing around my head and I could feel it being moved around. My only thought was that it wasn't me -- it wasn't happening to me but to someone else.

Jeff said it was hard to watch the shave though he knew it was for the best. He agreed to video the floor and the back of my head so I could get snapshots for my blog. Oh -- Serina, Kimmee's daughter came to see me and give support during the whole process. With Jeff, Serina and the salon hairdresser, I was able to get a consensus on how the wig looked after it was styled.

Hair on floor:


Deed done:


My new wig is not me -- I am growing to like it. The following shot is awkward, but I wanted to show you the cut. The bangs came with the wig and were cut further so the whole thing wasn't straight across and some of the long strands in the front were cut more to the shape of my face. Had I kept it, the look would've look harsh. Jeff said the hair make me look shy?? I think that is what he said.



For being there for me, I took Jeff out for lunch and then he accompanied me to the grocery shopping I have been wanting to do for a whole week. I spent $150 but saved $41. My coffers were almost bare and I needed to make sure I have food on hand especially since I will be recovering from my second chemo next week as I try to assimilate back to work.

I took Jeff back home after he helped me carry groceries. There was another errand I needed to complete so I did that while I had my wig on. My wig was replaced with a snood later, but on me it looks an oversized beret with my big head. I am not comfortable yet going without any head covering at home. Seeing my head bare again didn't produce any tears. I was pleasantly surprised that my head shape was actually not bad. My head was not shaved to the skin. It is more like a 5 o'clock shadow which will soon fall out. The scalp is still tender and I was told the sensation will go away.

The shave is done. We can all breathe again. Thanks for all your support through messages on facebook, texts on my phone, e-mails and comments on my blog. All of it helped me get through this difficult stage of my cancer cure. xxo

Love,
Sarah

A Cut Above