Worth It?

I looked at my face this morning with dismay. It was literally a white canvas. My porcelain features blurred among each other. There were barely any telltale signs of my eyes other than two dark brown eyes staring back wondering what the hell had happened. You can't imagine how much eyebrows and eyelashes matter in outlining your facial expression. My skin was so pale from lack of sun and the chemo was probably not helping. I almost cried at the effort it took to reveal the face that is mine through powdered colors, kohl and faux eyelashes. My body tired easily and my vision a bit strained. I wanted to break the mirror in front of me.

Like I always do, I managed to keep my composure and finish dressing. No one would guess I am a cancer patient at first or second glance. No one would guess at the effort it took to not look like that now. I often wonder how my friends who don't wear make-up would handle having an anonymous pallor. Would they give up? Would they try to find themselves in the mirror? Would they just not think about it all? I think about it all the time. For me, I am still a vibrant woman inside and I want to show it. GLAMcer. There is something to be said about sex appeal even if it is only for yourself...

Our network has been intermittent at work for a week now and today it was confined to my side of the 8th floor. The first half of the day was wasted not doing much but trying to get connected. Just as well. I kept getting dizzy spells and my brain was fuzzy still. Managing my energy was a challenge. When I went to the restroom, I walked close to the walls for fear of falling. People were supportive and knew I had just gone through my fifth chemo appointment last week. They, too, were happy that it is almost at an end. I am just happy I made it home okay and was able to make dinner for myself this evening.

I am dizzy right now and may not be able to proofread this post well. You'll pardon the errors? On top of that, I am now experiencing a hot flash as I type. Goddammit -- as difficult as today is, I know this is all worth it. In a couple of months, I will have a ghost memory of how I feel at this very moment.

Hugs,
Sarah

Worth It?