Word Play

Do you remember the last time I cooked a meal for visitors that didn't involve my chemotherapy? Me neither. Tonight was the first time since last year I am entertaining purely for fun.

I started out early by going to do some shopping and ended up at the grocery store. By the time I finished around noon I was wiped out. I put my groceries away and ate lunch before taking a nap for some recovery time.

Tawny and Jeff came at 6pm to enjoy a home cooked meal of broiled marinated flank steak. It was accompanied by seasoned green beans, a wedge of cold lettuce for the quickest and simplest salad and my lazy (yet healthier!) mashed potatoes. Red potatoes were boiled until fork tender then placed on a sheet pan lined with aluminum foil and drizzled with some olive oil that has been spread out to coat pan. I then smashed each potato with a potato masher once. More olive oil was drizzled on the bed of mashed red potatoes followed by a good seasoning of kosher salt and freshly ground pepper. Finely chopped fresh rosemary was sprinkled on top for flavor. The oven was heated to 450 degrees and the potatoes were cooked until crisp about 30 minutes. I added some chopped red pepper and scallion rings for color and a fresh finish before scraping the potatoes off the sheet pan and into a large serving bowl. Yes, all of it was yummy!!

For dessert, I made what I now call my Raspberry Angel Napoleon. I sliced angel food cake and layered them with sugar-free whipped topping and fresh raspberries. I topped each serving with shaved 70% dark chocolate and some disco dust because I like sparkly. You've heard that before, haven't you?



The rest of the evening was spent playing Scrabble. We did two rounds that involved painful deliberations from Jeff. Where I play for a certain flourish with words, he was playing for high points. He won both rounds. Bastard. Ha. At some point when there were less tiles to choose from, my letter choices started to spell out Russian words or for Tawny what she perceived as Vietnamese words. She did have one set that spelled out "SO NASTY" and used the word NASTY on the board.

I was very interested in playing with these two brainiacs since we have never played Scrabble in the 12 years we've known each other. More importantly, I wanted to spend some quality and normal time with them. I am sick of having our only communication via instant messages or cell phone texts. It is just not the same when you are in person. Our recent get-togethers have also involved something with my cancer treatments. My treatments are almost over and I need to start transitioning into normal. I don't know if that is the appropriate word because my life is no longer normal and I can never return to what I knew as normal...

Cancer changes your perspective in life. It makes your world both myopic and expansive. Myopic in the sense that it weeds out the bullshit that used to bother you and expansive by lowering the fence on what you can accomplish. Things I thought I could not do before are doable. Getting back my health -- my strength and building upon that will be key. I've staged mini-milestones (in three phases) for myself for the next six months. Of course, the milestones need to be flexible because I don't know how my body will react to my last set chemotherapy. I believe I've built enough of a cushion before the second phase. The skeleton plan so far makes me feel good of what I can do to get ready to shape the future life I will lead. There is no word beatific enough for me to describe how I've imagined that life will be.

Kisses,
Sarah xo

Word Play

Lash Suicide

It is official. My eyelashes are committing suicide. Thanks to the compound effects of chemotherapy, I am now almost devoid of most of the hair on my body. Should I rejoice and think of it as shedding my coat for the summer?

You're probably wondering why I haven't posted. To be honest, I haven't been feeling well. It is taking me longer to recover and has progressed to an extra 7-8 days than normal recovery. Today was the first day I felt more like myself. It is disheartening but I know it is temporary. I just have to make it through two more chemo sessions next month.

I saw my shrinky dink last Tuesday and that time is helping me tremendously. The doctor gave me another assignment. I am to write down all the hurt I have experienced. Mulling through the pain is not the idea, but to write down incidents. I can handle that since our sessions have revealed that I am not dealing with the emotional side of cancer. We are tackling different areas of my life to get to that point...kinda working from the start to get to the present.

Another revealing thing is that I don't share deeper thoughts with my support team because I feel guilty for dumping on them. Sometimes when I talk to Angie, I can tell the things I talk about maybe too heavy for her to handle or maybe it is just me? I don't know. Don't get me started on Tawny -- I've hardly shared anything with her lately because I feel tremendous guilt for leaning on her when her health hasn't been stellar and the fact that she has already given so much right after my surgery. Kathy's been there to listen but I still don't share everything. I tend to keep things inside my head.

Sometimes I think that my support team all live too full lives to listen to things that may be bothering me now and they are too emotionally connected to me to have answers. Face it -- no one prepares for cancer. It is not subject matter that makes people happy. Now I have my shrinky dink and I can dump on her as well as get the answers I am in search of when we meet every two weeks.

I also saw my primary care doctor the same day for refills on my water pills, to get high blood pressure medication and to discuss what the cardiac surgeon saw on my CT scan in regards to my thyroid when I went to the emergency room last month. Everything was addressed but the thyroid because they didn't receive a copy of the scan in time. More blood was taken and the results have since come out clear. That's good. I will have to call this doctor again next week about the thyroid.

God... Talking about medication and cancer shit does get old. I can't help discuss them because they are what is going on in my life. The days that I no longer have to focus on them cannot come soon enough. Watching my hair grow after this summer will extend those thoughts a little longer I'm afraid.

For now my wig hides my bald head. My faux eyelashes and darker eyeliner keep my eyes visible. The make-up keeps me looking glamorous and healthy. My friend Dianne told me this evening how jealous she was at how fabulous I looked with my make-up and faux hair. I am doing everything I can to hide my anonymous pallor. Luckily, I haven't lost my humor about things. Crying about them seems like a waste of time. Someday this will all be a faraway dream.

Missed you,
Sprinkles xxoo

Lash Suicide

Sunday Race

I didn't mean for today to be another race against my meds, but I had no choice. Today was Kathy's last day at my place before she went back to her 2.5 hour drive up to Jacksonville. Her boyfriend Jamie was leaving on vacation the same afternoon and had to be home for their pets. I wanted to maximize my time with her.

Kathy kept joking about my energy. While I let her sleep in later than I did, I was moving around my apartment in stealth mode. None of my doors squeak in my apartment thanks to some special household lubricant called WD-40. Squeaky doors are bad feng shui -- means that energy is stuck in that areas of your life.

I made us a big breakfast and she expressed her desire to go to the Asian store later to buy some Asian veggies which I happily agreed on. We spent about an hour meandering about busy Asians getting their groceries before picking up sandwich orders for us and Tawny/Jeff for lunch. Jeff wasn't able to make it because he was still doing some pesky work for my company on his computer. This poor guy worked all weekend!

When lunch was over, Kathy cleaned the inside and outside of my sliding glass panel doors. I was more concerned about the dirty green pollen that had accumulated this spring on the outside. She also cleaned the front of my entrance door. All this to improve my feng shui. I do live feng shui as much as I can. It can't hurt, right? It just helps me focus on my intentions for my life with the universe... Tawny went home during the cleaning of the doors to take her husband his sandwich. Kathy would make a brief stop to their place to say goodbye to Jeff since he didn't make it.

My day wasn't over yet when Kathy left after 1pm. I did four loads of laundry, filled up the dishwasher, straightened the kitchen and took out trash as well as update my blog. As the afternoon wore on, my after care meds really kicked in. The mental fog began to surround my vision while my body seemed confused at the disconnect. I only have one more day to take the meds tomorrow. I dare not skimp on them just to avoid the discomfort. Sigh.

I spoke to Angie at night to let her know of my chemo day and other weekend adventures. She in turn told me of her adventures of hosting her mother/my aunt when she arrived back from her weeks long trip from the Philippines. Apparently, my aunt had an ear infection and a small cough, but they still had a great visit. I, myself, won't be able to see her until next Saturday; I need to make sure she is not coughing some crazy viral thing from the Philippines. It is a chance I can't take with my immune system.

So my lovelies...overall this was a great chemo weekend!

Kisses,
Sarah Sprinkles
xo

Sunday Race

Moon Under Water

No, I didn't forget about my aftercare meds that make me a little loopy. I took them and still decided to roll the dice. I was determined to have a fun weekend and not to make it about being shut-in like the last time. I was feeling good and wanted to take advantage of it.

Kathy and I picked up Tawny to go for late lunch/early dinner at this place I've been wanting to try for months called Moon Under Water, a British Colonial Tavern in St. Petersburg, which was less than hour away by the beach. The chef is from England so I felt safe in getting authentic grub.

Here it is from the road:


Inside from where I sat:


My BFF Kathy always smiling!


We shared a pierogi appetizer with curry sauce. I had a delicious meaty British Pasty and Tawny had a vegetarian pasty which were accompanied by peas and rice. Kathy had a tofu curry complete with pappadom. Everything was delicious! I can't wait to go back and try their "Stella in the Dark" which is Stella Artois beer with Guinness. This will be a discussion for my doctor on my next visit. Hee.

We decided to cross the street and walked around Vinoy Park. The area has Banyan trees that root themselves in the ground in the most unusual way. Offshoots from the branches come down and dig in the ground.





I love these boats on the water:




I made another batch of cupcakes for Kathy this morning while she went to visit Tawny across the apartment complex since I missed celebrating her birthday with her. This time it was vanilla cupcakes with homemade buttercream frosting tinted her favorite green color. They were topped with sprinkles, disco dust and some candles. Tawny and I sang Happy Birthday to her.



We enjoyed a serving (or two!) of cupcakes while we watched Slumdog Millionaire I had just purchased at the store before we went home. It was a great movie! It was late so Tawny went home with some cupcakes for her husband. Kathy and I stayed up for another movie musical called Nine. The director was the same for Chicago and Memoirs of a Geisha. Guess which one out of the three is my favorite?

Kathy said that the cancer patient was wearing her out. What she didn't realize is how I feel compelled to race against the stacked effects of taking the aftercare meds. Tomorrow I will start to feel it for sure. For today, I was able to forget it and have a great time!

Hugs,
Sprinkles

Moon Under Water

Love Chemo No. 4

I looked forward to today. My BFF Kathy was visiting from Jacksonville the whole weekend. She came in last night and was ready to help me with anything we may encounter at the cancer center. I had to feed her a hearty breakfast first, of course. LOL

Kathy had her laptop case, her handbag and my chemo bag filled with bottled water, snacks for her and my notebook calendar. I carried my own handbag and the most precious cargo of all: chocolate ganache cupcakes I made from scratch the night before. Sorry I didn't take any pics. The cake itself was chocolate and frosting was made of heavy cream and semi sweet chocolate chips with some instant coffee. I made 36 cupcakes. Kathy and I split one for quality control purposes, I brought Serina four and 31 made it into a bakery style box complete with multi-color French-wire ribbon bow on top.

What I found most curious of all was that people's heads would turn as I carried this box around before I visited my doctor. Once at a cafe table in between appointments, I opened the box to check my little temptations and two people stopped next to me to peer in. Talk about being nosy. It served them right to catch a whiff of the chocolaty goodness without getting any. LOL

My appointment with my doctor went very well. Based on my blood tests and a cancer test, I seem to be healthy. I know -- I couldn't be happier!!! We're not out of the woods yet. I have to combat or minimize the side effects I am still experiencing in between treatments. The biggest one is weight gain due to the steroids as well as the leg swelling. Ugh. I just have to tough it out. The last two treatments are next month.

My doctor very much appreciated his box of goodies I gave him and would share with his staff throughout the day. I found out that he has a sweet tooth he won't admit to and he loves chocolate. He is very thin and runs twice a day -- he can afford a couple of temptations.

Another thing that struck me today was how many people remembered and greeted me from my nurse at the blood draw to the clinic workers and in the infusion center. It made me feel welcome. I even got to say hello to the chemo patients I had seen before. It was all very family like. I was proud to be able to share the whole experience with Kathy.

Serina came and took our lunch order and made sure to leave with her own loot of cuppy cakes. She visited me again later in my chemo chair after my three hour nap. I couldn't stay awake too long so I went back to sleep for a bit.

Kathy confessed to me that her throat got lumpy when she saw the nurse hooking the tubes to the other tubes sticking out of my chest from the port. I guess it made the process very real to her. I am in awe of her strength and generosity to be with me. My day at the center was great and passed without incident.

I felt hyper after the day at the cancer center so we drove miles up the interstate to a Korean restaurant for some yummy healthy food. For dessert, we went to my happy place for bubble drinks. Kathy had coconut taro flavor and I had my jack fruit with mango jelly. By the time we got to my apartment, Kathy was ready to sleep in the airbed that she had spread out the night before in the middle of my living room floor. I was in no such hurry to sleep, but I did in deference to her. The poor thing had traveled almost three hours the night before after working a full day's work.

So there you are...today was a great chemo day. I was relieved.

Love,
Sarah xo

Love Chemo No. 4

Shrinky Dink

Progressing in your own life means hitting certain milestones. Seeing a therapist, affectionately called 'shrinky dink', today was definitely a momentous milestone in my life. It means that I am ready to face the fears I have long held and newer ones since my cancer diagnosis. It also means that I am ready to get the guidance I need for a new life...

Sitting in the lobby waiting for my appointment made me a little anxious. I looked around the waiting room and once again didn't see anyone my age. Every patient was over 60 years old. What does this mean? Am I going through something earlier instead of later in my life? I don't know. When my doctor came to collect me, I was relieved to see that I felt immediate ease with her after our introductions.

We went through a questionnaire that I had completed when I arrived. She asked me more questions that would rule out me needing serious help that required being medicated to manage and maintain some sense of equilibrium. She then began to ask me questions where I grew up to now perhaps to get a sense of a time line. For some reason in my head I wanted to scream how there were serious stories in the gaps of time I gave her.

Yes, I cried when I expressed how tired inside I felt. She told me it was okay to have a "suck" day and to not have to qualify everything like "it could be worse or other people have it worse than me". She said I needed to feel more which I told her I didn't want to because that was way too painful. It is easier for me to intellectualize things so I can maintain order. This is something we're going to work on.

After I iterated what my goals were for our meeting, she said we would tackle things in chunks and see each other every two weeks. Did I mention I brought I piece of paper listing those goals as well as outlining my pressures and concerns, etc.? It was almost having my own syllabus for a class. My OCD is part of my infinite charm. It is, I say!

My shrinky dink gave me three assignments until our next meeting. Two of them were: Spending 20 minutes every other day writing down how I feel or anything on my mind. I am not to filter anything and no grammatical corrections, etc. The other is less self-monitoring. Overall, I felt our time together was productive.

The rest of the day at work was very busy. There is a tremendous amount of pressure to perform well right now. I have to wrap things up by Thursday since I have chemo day on Friday. Even though it will be a recovery weekend, I am very much looking forward to spending time with Kathy who will be taking me to my fourth chemo day as well as keep me company during another milestone weekend.

Love,
Sprinkles

Shrinky Dink

Going Country

Driving to and from work has found me listening to country music. I can't help it. Everything else new on the radio just sounds like crap right now. Country music is like coming home for me for some reason. It just feels right.

Dolly Parton is my all-time favorite country artist if you must know. While the new country ballads are great like Lady Antebellum's Need You Now, I love fun songs called Giddy On Up by Laura Bell Bundy and Blake Shelton's Hillybilly Bone. The videos are great, too...

The days are getting blurry again since work is busy. This weekend is my last free weekend before my fourth chemo. I'm walking with Kristey on Saturday morning. I hope I can last at least two miles. The rest of the weekend will be spent preparing for the next chemo.

Next Tuesday I have my first appointment with a psychologist. It will be her first appointment at 8:30am. I am very pleased that I get to have one session before my next chemo. It makes me feel in better control already. I'll let you know how it goes.

I checked my mailbox today and found a pretty present from a sweet girlie friend across the pond. I enjoyed seeing "Royal Mail" on the envelope and the postage. She sent me this trinket box topped with a jeweled dragonfly. Isn't it beautiful? I collect trinket or decorative boxes so this was perfect.



If I don't get to post during the weekend, I hope you all have some fun and please don't forget to wish your mothers a "Happy Mother's Day" on Sunday, my lovelies.

Kisses,
S x

Going Country

Professionally Speaking

I've been thinking about this for weeks. Quickly I am realizing my life is changing again and I have to be prepared. My carefully lacquered version of reality is wearing and starting to crack from internal pressure. Before I combust and unleash steam to poor unsuspecting friends and family, I must get it together.

Today after encouragement from Bridget, I made the call to my social worker at the cancer center and told her I needed to talk to someone, a professional someone. She made me laugh at some point because she asked me if I needed psychotropic drugs. Whhhaat?! It was to determine whether I needed to see a psychiatrist or a psychologist. Good grief. All I need is to talk to someone and get advice on how to cope with now and the next chapter of my life. I don't need some gourmet drug to add to the chemicals I am already being infused with every three weeks. Face it, I've been winging things to the best of my ability. Being positive and humorous can only get me so far if I don't have the necessary tools to deal with things as a whole and in the progression of things.

The situations and themes in my head are too heavy for my friends and family. As much support and love I receive, my emotions are too much for one or two people to take in right now. It is not fair of me to unburden myself. A professional is expecting it and is getting paid to listen and to help guide the average nutter. Knowing one needs help is good, but doing something about it is better.

There you have it.

Hugs,
Sprinkles

Professionally Speaking

Tambourine

Some side-effects of cancer are beneficial. It is not in the physical sense, but in the emotional and spiritual sense. Cancer gives the permission to most people like myself to relax and enjoy life more without limitations. I've taken life not as seriously as I used to before January which would be a surprise to most who know me.

I used to give off the illusion of carefree. The carefree only mattered if I could control it. Does that make sense? Kind of like controlled chaos. Now my mantra comes from Richard Branson, "Screw it. Let's do it."

My week after chemo couldn't progress fast enough. The recovery is taking a day or two longer. Instead of feeling like myself early Wednesday, it is now late Thursday or early Friday. I hope this time is the exception not the norm. Blogging has taken a back burner to making sure I manage my energy at the end of the day.

My plans for this evening was to meet Dianne for Happy Hour at a trendy steakhouse across the road from my work. The place is expensive but they have made meals and drinks at the bar area affordable until 7pm. I am not big on steak so a big dinner in the main dining room would be a waste for me.

Dianne was sitting in a padded red half-moon booth when I arrived. She hadn't seen me since the week before my head shave and didn't recognize me as I came around the bar. The bar area was lit low and intimate. It wasn't until I stopped in front of her that she realized it was me! The faux hair and my dressed up slimmer body threw her off. We enjoyed two seafood appetizers, delicious gourmet hamburgers and drinks. No, I didn't have wine, but a fruity non-alcoholic drink. I was waiting for the bite of vodka or rum at the end of each sip that never came. Sigh. I envied her glasses of red wine and my hair (again!) because the waitress gushed over how much she loved it.

I was thankful for the change in pace and venue. It made me feel like a normal adult going out and enjoying life with the spectre of cancer hidden back. We laughed and talked about an upcoming trip. In July, I will tag along on her yearly trip to Captiva Island with her other set of girlfriends. I can't wait! They try to coincide it with a fishing tournament that occurs in the area around the same time which means the ratio of men to women are higher. Mind you, she and her girlies are married, but it gives them a chance to flirt and behave badly around each other before returning to their suburban lives.

Energized from my dinner with Dianne, I was about to call Tawny and Jeff to see if they wanted to go to my happy place for bubble drinks. I noticed a message of a missed call and a voicemail from Serina. She was just leaving her parent's home after having dinner out with them when I called her back. They had been concerned at how my recovery from this chemo was going and wanted to invite me to dinner. I changed my plans and invited Serina to meet me at the bubble place instead. (Sorry Tawny!) We needed to catch up on stuff since I barely saw her at my last chemo appointment.

Man, I felt like a celebrity in my happy place. Two people greeted me warmly when they noticed I was seated waiting for someone. The cafe was filled with university students and other varying adult ages. They were getting ready for open mic night. I was up for live performances.

Serina and I were enjoying our drinks when one of the guys working there grabbed my hand and asked to borrow me. Before I knew it, I had a tambourine in my hand and playing it while two other guys sang and performed Fat Bottom Girls on stage. OMG! Yes, it is captured on video and no I have not looked at my Flip camera. I was introduced as Sprinkles and got a "yay Sprinkles" later when I meandered around the cafe later.

There were two flute players that performed among the other guitarists and singers taking the stage. The first one I could tell didn't have the passion for the instrument but could play it. He didn't have the magic I was expecting. The second one blew me away. He had a samba piece from his iPod playing while he played his instrument to a world class level. The guy who grabbed my hand earlier came to me and asked if I like him. I said that the vibrato and legato was amazing. I know I never played the flute like that! He then mentioned how this kid was invited to play Carnegie Hall in New York this summer. Oh, wow! Later he played "Ain't No Sunshine" and it was the most honeyed version I have ever heard. All this enjoyment for free!

There was an amateur tarot card reader present. I decided to investigate and get a reading from her. She was okay. I let her give the reading without any confirmations. At the end of it, I explained my health and situation to make sense of whatever she had told me. I also ended up giving her tips to build her confidence and show her how to give better readings. A couple things that were on my mind were illuminated.

This old lady was outpacing 23-year old Serina. The poor thing was tired from her full-time job, studying for her graduate finals and hanging out past 10pm with me. I relented and called the evening at 10:30pm. I'll have to come to my happy place again for open mic night just to be around this kind of vibe.

xo

Tambourine

Full Moon on My Head

I see the full moon on my head. It is not full of craters like our own Earth's satellite, but I am sure it has marks that can tell a bit of history. Its own recent history revealing what my life is going through. During an IM conversation with Angie this evening, I told her that I see my bald head, but I don't. I guess my eyes focus on my face. She mentioned something about having phantom hair of some sort.

Truth be told, I still shed a little bit of tears if I allow myself to think about my head. I think about turning 40 in January without my former glory. No, I won't know what my head will look like or how my life will be at that point. I just know I will be on the other side of this thing they call cancer. I refuse to be labeled and defined by scientific names or be bogged down with the all the appointments and hours of chemical drip for my cure. It is what it is.

When all is said and done, it will not be the full moon on my head that we will reflect upon. You will continue to see the sun shining from my smiling face and the stars twinkling in my eyes filled with love for the world. I am still me. I choose joy.

Love,
Sarah xo

Full Moon on My Head

Three Days

These after chemo meds are like kryptonite on your AGOL. Not only does it cause a mental fog, but as mentioned previously it makes me both hyper and tired. Too tired too really concentrate, but too hyper not to complete chores around my apartment.

On Saturday, I had two visitors. My cousin's wife Michelle visited for a spell while she waited for her daughter to attend a birthday party at a nearby museum. Tawny came by in the evening to drop off some eggs for me after her trip to the grocery store. I cannot drive for four days after my chemotherapy. Maybe the fourth day later in the afternoon if I push it.

On Sunday, I did all my laundry and some light cleaning. It sounds like a lot, but really it wasn't. My body would not allow any heavy duty stuff. I was concentrating on managing my energy for the next day.

Today, I worked from home starting at 7am and ended around 3:30pm. I survived two conference calls at 10am and 1pm. As you know my memory is affected these first days so I had to proofread and write every little thing I did which was good. It helped me to see how productive I was. Maybe I was overcompensating for being at home? I was pleased with my progress.

A nurse was supposed to come see me today. I should have canceled it on Friday while I was at the hospital after my talk with my surgeon, but I didn't. After two calls two my regular nurse to make time after my conference calls, I received a call from a different nurse at 4:30. Really?! She woke me up from a nap and told her it was okay. Upon waking further, I called her office and canceled. She called me herself to salvage the appointment. I said yes, but ended up canceling when she called me at 6:15pm to tell me she was about 20 minutes away. Good grief. I was ready for dinner, my last set of kryptonite meds and a shower to make it an early evening before watching some sitcoms. Urgh.

I called my dad and stepmother to check-in. My dad though in retirement is one of the busiest retirees I know with all the associations and church related activities he takes part of throughout Chicago. He holds high positions in a few. My stepmother is still receiving 1-minute radiation daily on her breasts for breast cancer. She has a couple more weeks to go. Luckily, she gets to avoid any chemotherapy. We both get to exchange stories on our health. It is an odd bonding which has made us the closest we have ever been since she's been married to my dad almost 20 years this year.

Tomorrow I will work from home again just to be safe. My memory will be better but it is my slight hazy vision that makes driving and seeing the road a little challenging. Sunglasses will be in order for sure until Thursday while driving. Thank God my vision for seeing my laptop is great. Don't you wish you could share such fun?

Hugs,
Sprinkles xo

Three Days

Love Infusion No. 3

Knowing that a chemo day was not going to be easy for once didn't make me feel any better. I've known intuitively for weeks it was to be so. With the knowing, I made sure to be up early or my 5am regular time. By the time Tawny's husband Jeff came to accompany me to the cancer center, I had eaten before 6am, but I had waffles, bacon and coffee ready for him at 7:30am. Lunch would be a long way.

I drove us and checked in to have my blood drawn and as usual my port would not give up any precious drop. My right arm was stuck with a needle and another 1" Huber for my port plus a cocktail to loosen up whatever was making it not work for the draw. It would be in preparation for my infusion later. We made our way around the corner to pick up a refill for after chemo meds before walking a full length back to see my surgeon.

My appointment with my surgeon ended up an hour later. He was never that late. I surmised that later when I was told why my infusion was later, too, due to a machine being down for one of my blood tests (which had to be done manually!) that was the cause and he ended up seeing me anyway. This time he had a medical student interview me before she came to get him so she could perform a private exam in his presence. He seemed pleased of my progress and we talked about the issues with my port which he says is not uncommon and attributed my chest pain from recovering from the surgery, etc. We also discussed my wound and gave me another alternative to care for it so I could start fully exercising my lower body.

During all this time, Jeff was able to log into work in the waiting room thanks to the wifi at the center and he was able to find an outlet when his laptop battery was getting low. He didn't end up burning a vacation or sick day thanks to the access. I was happy he had something to occupy himself and a means to IM Tawny and others.

While we waited to be called for my infusion appointment on the 4th floor, I noticed a man in the midst of a complicated cross stitch work. I must admit I was sexist and thought him a gay man at first. Something compelled me to introduce myself and ask if I could snap a pic for my blog to show how others were coping with their chemotherapy and cancer in general.

Here is Dave with his amazing Victorian houses:



Dave ended up a great guy to talk to before we were called in. Jeff was in the corner logged into work and plugged into a different outlet. He was close enough to listen to the conversation.

At 55, Dave was a special case with three different types of cancers; needless to say, he was on a special team. The one cancer has him carrying an ostomy bag that with a permanent marker, he drew a smiley face and words below it that says, "Shit Happens" which caused the nurses and doctor to laugh today when they examined him. He has to go through radiation and chemotherapy, but will get to keep his full head of hair. Lucky duck!

I liked Dave. He talked about his wife and how they use to own a bed and breakfast in St. Petersburg, about an hour away. Dave got his start doing needlework 16+ years ago to pass time away on a ship that transports to the oil rigs in the Gulf of Mexico. In fact, the rig that just blew up was a sister rig to the one he went to before his health issues. He has other needlework projects waiting for him and takes pride in his progress.

We agreed on our approach to cancer -- lots of humor! He said he sat on our side of the waiting room because the other side was filled with "doe in the headlights" type of people. I decided then and there that our side was where the "cool kids were sitting". Yeah!

My little angel Serina took time out from her research schedule to come to sit a while before she took our lunch order. My lunch was a tortilla wrap filled with ham, brie, and apples while Jeff had a zesty buffalo chicken wrap. I was thankfully able to eat mine right before the Benadryl drip took me to sleep. Maybe I woke up twice? I know I woke up when my bladder decided it needed to be emptied. Jeff was not in sight. I figured he was in the waiting room logged into his laptop. When I returned, he was waiting for me. Serina came again -- it was about 4-ish and she stayed a while before she had to pick up pretty dog Belle from doggie daycare. Kimmee was out of town and she was helping care for the pooch.

My last bag of chemicals was completed around 5:45pm making my stay at the hospital almost nine hours. It was a little rough but went quick. I felt groggier and slower than the last time. Jeff was a good cookie and continued to carry my extra bag. Before we left the elevator well on the bottom floor, I could have sworn I saw a red heart sprinkle. How could it have traveled that far from the other building and still exist from mid-January was my first thought? I backtracked. Jeff did too when I told him what I thought I saw. We found nothing. Jeff said it was meant for me only. I smiled at the phantom image. Perhaps a soul letting me know something -- giving me a soul kiss to cheer me?

I asked Jeff to make one stop at a fast food place so I could get a salad for dinner. There was no point in me trying to make dinner for myself as tired as I was this time. Jeff had dinner waiting for him at home with his family. I was grateful he lasted all day. Three more chemotherapy cocktails or "happy hours" to go, my lovelies...

Love,
Sarah Sprinkles xxoo

Love Infusion No. 3

Glamcer

Silent crazed lunatic -- is there such a thing? That's how felt today as I wrapped up some work before taking time off for my third chemo tomorrow. It wasn't all harried; I had some fun. Too much of fun that it made me work later than I had planned originally. Oh, well.

At lunch today, my gal pal Jill was able to see my wig in person for the first time and she loved it. Her hair looked cute, too, with the blonder color and newer cut.

Speaking of Jill... How can two glamorous women be reduced to infantile antics laced with earthy sense of humor in the middle of a nice restaurant? Because they can. We blew situations into comic proportions. For example, Jill mentioned that her boss was so fit he looked like a guy from this fitness commercial. I asked if we could use my cancer as an excuse to be allowed to count how many muscles he had on his abdomen. I know -- shameless!!

More shameless... Jill says I have glamcer -- glamorous cancer. I almost died laughing. Don't you think I didn't start using it at work right after lunch. We are of like mind about not letting situations get us down and to create the light and, if possible, glamorous side of things. It's a way to cope. Things can be ugly, but why not make it beautiful and make us feel good? Yeah, glamcer will soon catch on!

I didn't get to my apartment until 8pm thanks to work and last minute errands before my chemo tomorrow. Tawny called me as I was at the mailbox. I received a key to a separate box that held a package too big for my regular mailbox. For some reason I couldn't get it open. I picked up Tawny a few buildings over who was able to open it for me through super secret spy moves I was too tired to come up with on my own. She helped me carry groceries and my package mailed from the Great White North aka Canada.

My gift opening was saved for last as a reward for the day. I opened to a beautiful Japanese tea set complete with five different flavored teas and a canister to store each as I consume them. I loved the understated design that revealed enough of a color band at the bottom to keep it whimsical. I must say the part I loved best was the mesh strainer inside the teapot. The other ceramic teapots I have don't have one. I have a giant heart-shaped mesh tea ball I could have used, but this makes it easier. Tawny properly ooh'd and aah'd with me as I opened everything. Thanks to a very special friend for sending me such a thoughtful and lovely gift.



I now have something new to look forward to during my recovery weekend...

Hugs,
Sarah xo

Glamcer

Wig Envy

This is bit difficult to say but I am jealous of my wig. I have wig envy.

For almost three weeks now at work I have been complimented on "my hair" multiple times a day. The most surprising have been the men who have told me how much they liked it...even men who were too afraid to come up to me. What is it that makes them feel comfortable enough to tell me? I recall Tawny's husband Jeff's words at how it almost makes me look shy. Maybe it is a softer look? I almost want to scream to everyone how cool and edgy my short hair was before! Only about a couple dozen people at work saw that hairstyle during a brief February visit. Sniffle.

I haven't been secretive about the wig, but now that I have informed the co-workers I have more than a passing acquaintance I no longer correct other people. I figured the word would be passed along. Please don't misunderstand me. I am happy that my wig looks like real hair because I do love it and it brings me comfort in looking like myself.

One day I will have enough hair to shed my wig. From then I will grow my hair to its former glory to my make wig envious.

Kisses,
Sprinkles

Wig Envy

Reassessment

Just when I finally feel like being in the swing of things at work, I get to feel unwell again thanks to my chemo this coming Friday. I have more of the same cycle reoccurring in the next couple of months. My mind just has to be trained to withstand the mental and physical toll.

In between the "spaces" that is work and chemotherapy are blank spaces ready to be filled in with either meeting with friends and family or resting. You would think that with all my outings, I wouldn't have time to think on things...to reassess. I guess I am one of the lucky ones because I can find the time.

A magazine article and a youtube video within days of each other said a person without goals is someone without direction or is just getting in the car and spinning their wheels. Each day is supposed to have a goal or goals...

This Sunday I completed a treasure map. Nothing with pirates, but a visual representation of how I would like my life to be or my goals using a giant poster board, magazine cutouts of words and images, pictures of myself, glue and colored markers. This is the second one I've done that I can recall. The other was done about 17 years ago. I designed it using the principles of feng shui by placing images as they pertain to the bagua map and made sure I completed it while the New Moon was in the sign of Aries. This sign is the first sign in the zodiac and this is one of the better times to put your intention to the universe. You may call it bollocks but it works for me.

During my lunch yesterday I completed a little thing "how to find your passion" questionnaire from an advertising mogul:

1) What did you love as a kid?

I loved making things. I liked being recognized or being in front of people. I wasn't afraid of doing dance choreography and when I was 12 I was able to do a show for my school's Spring Fling concert. I loved designing. I still love designing as well as writing to express myself.

2) What was your best day and what were you doing? What did that involve?

My best days at school were when I was leading, creating and being recognized for it. My best days outside of school are always when I spent time of either my family or friends laughing, sharing a meal and telling stories.

3) Who are you jealous of?

David Bowie (he's just cool), Martha Stewart (for her drive and perfectionism), Madonna (for her maverick style in her reinventions), Angelina Jolie (this biatch is just hot and she can pilot a helicopter!) and Richard Branson (he puts the sexy in entrepreneur and he's fearless).

4) What would you do even if you weren't being paid?

I would come up with ideas for things all day and I would make stuff from concept to marketing. Of course, I enjoy helping people and making them feel special.

5) What would your script read if you were its author, no holds barred?

Script? I was thinking more like dust jacket on a book. Wickedly Blessed: Author and Innovator Sarah Sprinkles' inspirational journey to spread love, joy and beauty into the world.

Now we know I am not in my chosen career or bliss. I am thankful it allows me to live and pay bills. Before the alien extraction I was somewhat content to keep going and toss around my hopes, wishes and dreams. Months after the extraction and now chemotherapy, I am not so content. I want the second half of my life to be spent doing things I have always wanted to explore and be. There are so many things on my bucket list. I hope I get to do them all. My enthusiasm is only tempered by my immediate health concerns. My mind is miles ahead. Then my body will just have to do its best to catch up.

Love,
Sprinkles xxoo

Reassessment

No Rest for the Wicked

Kids are natural ghouls -- fans of things gross, uncomfortable and slightly scary. The kids in my family are definite ghouls. We are constantly teasing them mercilessly. This afternoon I had my cousin's kid Kristen sit on my lap facing me and watch as I slowly revealed my bald head by pushing back the wig off my head.

"Ew! Don't ever go outside like that," was her response.

I wasn't offended in the least. We were giggling the whole time. Her brother Carter watched with his mouth open as he peered on the other side of the sliding glass doors into the living room. I asked him later if it was weird. He smiled big and said "yes". Later he told me how much he liked my wig. Their mother said I reminded her of Cirque du Soleil with the dramatic make-up and bald head. It was an odd comparison but I knew what she meant. I got up and showed her husband in the front room. He didn't bat an eyelash. I think he was taken aback and trying to keep cool. For once, he was speechless.

Why reveal to the kids? I had talked about getting shaved weeks ago and when they saw me this time around I had a new hairdo. I find it easier if you are more honest with kids about what is going on in your life, in this case -- cancer, and what happens during the its treatment. Knowing things gives them comfort instead of wondering why the appearance of someone they love keeps changing in an unusual way. You don't have to be macabre or bang them over the head with the truth; however, being secretive does them no favors...

I have not blogged in a while because I have been mentally tired from work and my evenings have been consumed with planned and unplanned visits. On Wednesday, I was too tired from my Tuesday night outing. Serina visited on Thursday because she wanted to paint my toes a very dark apple red. Friday had Tawny making a stop to visit after she and her husband walked around the apartment complex around 8pm.

Why not turn them down I hear someone asking? I don't turn them down because my chemo is on the 23rd and during that weekend I am sequestered at home to recover from my third infusion. Maximizing my time with friends and family in between chemo recoveries is very important to me no matter how it tires me.

By noon today I had already gone with Kimmee to a quilt shop. I bought a yard each of three fabric designs I am going to sew into envelope pillow covers for the pillows on my sofa. One of my goals is to do manageable changes within my apartment during my chemotherapy (two and a half more months!). I can't sand and prepare furniture for paint and paint them but I can do some light sewing.

My aunt changed our dinner plans for Sunday to this afternoon since my cousin's family was available. You may remember telling you that my aunt is going to the Philippines next week for three weeks. This meant that I had to cancel my dinner plans with Kimmee and Serina. Family first...

I made one stop to my new happy place before venturing to my aunt's. The owner was singing and playing an electric guitar as I walked in. I placed my signature order of jackfruit with mango jelly and boba (translation: jackfruit flavored slush drink with little bits of mango flavored jelly and giant tapioca pearls at the bottom) with the Vietnamese guy behind the counter. I had to reveal to him that I had my Asian license to order that particular flavor. HA! Once I assured him I was half-Filipino, he seemed relieved to make me the drink again from the last time I was in the cafe. He was too busy before to ask.

When I was finished confirming my order and turned towards the small stage, the Caucasian owner was excited to see me and announced to me from the stage how he was having his own private concert. I clapped to show my own enthusiasm. He was a better guitar player than singer, but I appreciated his enthusiasm while he sang "Your Song" by Elton John while my drinks were being made. (I ordered an extra one for my aunt to try.) My drinks were ready when he started another song. I raised my drinks to him on the way out and I was rewarded a smile and accompanying wink for my effort. His age was hard to tell with his boyish face and all gray hair. I will have to wait two more weekends to bring my laptop and actually sit a while.

The week before chemo seems to have a harried pattern to try and get things done. I have extra cleaning to do as well as make my chemo candy bracelets. Wish me luck on making it through with work and everything else. There is no rest for the wicked.

Hugs,
Sprinkles

No Rest for the Wicked

You Cannot Make This Up

Forgive me -- Everything has caught up with me and made me a little tired so this is a rush post...

Thursday and Friday were very good days at work. I felt like myself again. Saturday I met Kristey and Myrna for a long breakfast. The rest of the morning and a part of the afternoon were spent bumming around town shopping for more beads and some grocery. Kimmee invited me with her family to a Japanese steakhouse for some yummy dinner. On Sunday, I waited for a nurse to come see my wound. Part of it had reopened -- surface only!

I've driven to and from work with Tawny the past two days as her husband had taken time off for his birthday which was today. I treated both of them and their eldest son to a favorite haunt where we had a jovial dinner. We also went to my new happy place, a bubble tea cafe, before driving us home...

You cannot make this up -- I noticed the bruise on my left forearm is heart-shaped! I received it after a nurse stuck a needle in there and dug a little for a vein before my chemo two Fridays ago. My port was acting up so she had to take blood from another vein. If you were in front of me and looked at my arm you would see a heart staring at you. I even bruise in hearts!



Hugs,
S

You Cannot Make This Up

Most Beautiful Words

Today I read the most beautiful words I have ever read in my life. It is the last line of Pablo Neruda's Love Poem XIV:

I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.

..........

I have an unnatural affinity for cherry trees and cherry blossoms. I am not sure why. The plastic covering for my phone has cherry blossoms... My favorite scene in "Memoirs of a Geisha" involves cherry blossoms. Every spring I watch the news for video feed of the cherry blossoms in Washington, D.C.

Reading the words above caused such an energy within me to explode like giant fireworks. Each hot, bright and colorful strand moving in slow motion outward and far reaching. The words were so beautiful and visceral that I had no choice but to weep. I loved it.

Love,
Sarah

Most Beautiful Words

Emergency Trip

Today was my big adventure. I drove myself to work. I would have gone straight to work had it not been for my little side trip to the emergency room for chest pains. I must have twisted my torso incorrectly and my port balked at the position? I don't know.

I spoke to Tawnyia and Jeff before talking to an on-call doctor at the cancer center. Because they don't have a cardiac unit and my breathing sounded laborious, I either needed to drive myself or call for an ambulance to be checked out just for sure. By this time, the pain had subsided and I was still trying not to panic. Luckily for me, a hospital was five minutes away.

A nurse checked me in and wheeled me to the cardiac portion of the emergency room. Before long, vials of blood were drawn, I was hooked up to an EKG and an X-ray was taken while I was on the bed. A heart surgeon came, too. There was no rush as I seemed to be weathering things.

I wanted to get to work. Time waiting for results found me texting my boss and various galpals. What else was I gonna do? When I asked how much more time I would have to wait, they said a couple of hours as I had to get a cat scan for my chest just to eliminate the possibility of a blood clot in my lungs. Oh, joy.

A male hospital worker wheeled me to radiology. There were two other women staged waiting to be scanned in the corridor. I teased that there was a sale and that they were giving these scans away. I ended up connecting with an elderly black lady who was a heart patient. She told me about her recent retirement, etc. We had a good laugh. The lady in between us could not see me, but she could hear me. When the black lady was wheeled in for her scan, her bed passed me and we touched each other's hands and wished the other good luck. Now there were only two of us in the corridor and I asked the other lady if she was okay; she had been quiet during the whole exchange.

Something interesting happened. The lady asked a passing female hospital worker to maneuver her bed around so she could see me and talk to me. This lady had fallen at home over the weekend and was just now coming to have herself checked out. She was worried about attending her niece's wedding this weekend. I couldn't tell her age but she looked in her late 50s. I assured her that the bump on her face could be covered in make-up and she could still have a good time. She was wheeled in another room minutes later.

I didn't have to wait long. The radiologist was the same guy I had back in December for my tumor. I reminded him of it though I knew he'd seen hundreds of people since then. He asked about my chemo but did his radiology thing so we could get the scans. The same male hospital worker came to get me and wheel me back to the emergency room. I remarked on how quiet the hospital was because normally it was busy. His reply? "Oh, no -- people are just waking up and falling now." Apparently he was an expert on the traffic flow of the emergency room.

My tummy was rumbling so I asked for a snack. I received a packet of graham crackers and a small container of milk. One thing I know for sure -- hospitals will not deny you snacks. Ha!

The attending heart doctor came to see me and release me. He said everything came out clear and the scan showed something about my thyroid. WHAT?! Apparently, that is something I can get checked out later. Jeezus. You can go in for one thing and then sprout more crap wrong with you. Grrr.

I finally drove myself to work with one call from Serina slightly berating me for not calling her in my time of need. I didn't mention the other few people ready to rescue me. She was concerned and just wanted to make sure what her mother told her about my condition was true and not exaggerated or minimized.

Work resumed without incident. A vendor came by to drop off lunch so within 30 minutes of being at work, I was having an early lunch. The rest of the afternoon was easy and I drove home around 5:30pm. I consciously sang along with an old song playing on the radio, Cool Change by The Little River Band.

Time for
a cool change...
I know that it's time
for a cool change
Now that my life
is so pre-arranged
I know that it's time
for a cool change

I think the universe was trying to tell me something... Thank God my evening was no where near as eventful as my morning.

Emergency Trip

Better Yet Fuzzy

I debated about posting today. Thanks to a couple of hours yawning in front of me, I will.

There was nothing earth shattering today. I woke up a few minutes before my 4:30am alarm. I was more than ready when Jeff and Tawny came around 6:30am. What I was not prepared for was how empty my office was at 7:06am. I had to use my badge to get past the 8th floor reception and walk around semi-dark halls. I could have sworn I heard crickets!

Lights flooded my floor within 30 minutes. By this time, I was about to get my second cup of coffee to wake-up. My meds from last night were still in effect. I would do anything today to facilitate flushing the last effects as well as chemo working through my system.

My work today was more focused on easy ended tasks which was a great way to get back into the swing of things. Projects that I was involved with were put back in my lap. I will have to devote the next several days to learning our new accounting system since it has been months since I first touched it. My buddy Bridget will be training me.

My return to work will allow for my other team members to feel that they can start taking time off since they've had self-imposed moratorium on time off. Next week, my boss' kids' have Spring Break as do Bridget's son. My boss will be off all week while Bridget will take Thursday, Friday and the following Monday off. All this means is that I need to get up to speed. My chemo brain should be much cleared for new learning and handling things starting tomorrow. I am anxious to be a solid and productive member of my team again.

If it were not for the brain fog, I think today would have felt like normal. People were still coming around and that's how I know it is not quite normal. I have to learn not to be so hard on myself. My journey to wellness is a big deal and will take time. Living with it, at least in my case, makes it seem less. It is my attitude and the immense love and support I've received that have made it easier to bear each day.

Jeff retrieved me at 3pm and I was definitely ready to go. It was another early day and because I didn't take a nap after getting home, this day seems a lot longer. I just have to take a shower and head for bed. Three hours more until bedtime. Yawn.

Better Yet Fuzzy