The Conversation

The following was an unexpected "Come to Jesus" midnight instant message conversation with Tab. What started out as nothing quickly became something more. He was saying I needed training (not that kind!)...This is very personal for me to share so I hope you treat it with a hint of deference. I've condensed the conversation in paragraphs. You may read him as a bastard, but he's telling the truth. He's the only one in my life who is not afraid of telling me the truth...the whole truth. I didn't feel angry, but I felt emboldened by his impassioned words:

Tab: little less thunder.. little more lightening…put your ass into it.. it being what ever you are striving for...stop f*cking around. go do it.. stop diddling..you are more than you think...go realize it…its painful to watch sometimes…sorry,,, that sounds terribly harsh but it is true…get on the edge…scare yourself a little..you are way too comfortable…you think big.. you dream big... but you "try" very gently..I see how you cool... I see how you capture your plating [food] with images...stop wasting yourself…cook...a sh*tty little online gig that you put everything into would be way better than plans for the most polished deal that never happens

Sarah: i know…i am hearing and understanding what you are saying to me. i know the path.

Tab: f*ck knowing…you can read an almanac.. you can find out how much it rains in tampa every year.. squeeze it and no water comes out…at some point... knowing is a lot like hoping.. you can worry that what you hope for won't come true... or you can hope you won’t worry that what you want wont come true,,, but in the end.. its wasted effort

Sarah: I guess what i am realizing lately...like very recently is that while i am looking for some guidance…there really is none for what i want to accomplish...it is up to me to blaze a trail...every time i come up with an idea, the people around me get excited and want to go along for the ride....now some of these people have better ideas...but it is as if they animate themselves when i animate myself..i guess what i've been trying to say…is that while i am looking for guidance from them, they are waiting for me to make the next move, a complete inertia occurs…during my STAYcation...i am giving myself permission to be creative for 10 days..i am having a professional costume designer teach me to use some skills better or polish them…i will be paying her to ensure her attention…those 10 days will be a great gift to myself...i am fortunate to be able to do it…it is basically up to me...where others can follow other people...i really don't have that luxury…people in general are attracted to my flame...like lost moths...when inside i feel like a lost moth

Tab: stop being afraid

Sarah: why do you see me so clearly? why do you take a pick axe and chip big rocks off me?

Tab: you are great just the way you are... you just don’t see what I do

How can I not take his words to heart? When someone believes in you with such passion? It is usually my role to do that to others. Now I know how they feel when I express my passion to them. Like they can fly.
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The Conversation

Profoundly Joey

Another busy day at the salt mines with a stop to have lunch with Tawny and trolling the mall. We stopped at a candle store and a fine card shop. Came back to find a slice of rum cake treat from my boss brought from his favorite deli. What a nice surprise! Bridget got one, too, of course...

Joey works on the help desk and is a good friend of mine. He helps me work stuff out whether it is one of my machines or me! His wife is a very lucky woman to have married such a profound man. The following chronicles an IM conversation we had during the afternoon:

SarahAGOL: boo
joeyemdeon: ahhhh!
SarahAGOL: funny
SarahAGOL: how are you?
Joey: not too bad, still have a stiff neck, but alive and well
Joey: you?
SarahAGOL: i am okay...just busy but overall feel good
SarahAGOL: maybe i did need the time off
SarahAGOL: ...more than i thought
Joey: good, I think we all need time off every now and then
SarahAGOL: i tend not to take any off unless i actually have a plan. i didn't have any plans this time around
Joey: plans are overrated
SarahAGOL: yeah...but i feel like a loser for not having any
Joey: we're all going to die unplanned... so why plan all of our time waiting to die?
SarahAGOL: ha
SarahAGOL: i don't know...
SarahAGOL: right now it is the 27 of Nov and i don't know how i got here
Joey: go with the flow, live for the moment, whatever other cheesy cliche you might be fond of =P
SarahAGOL: okay...Buddha
SarahAGOL: LOL
Joey: ha
Joey: far from it
SarahAGOL: you need a few pounds
Joey: but seriously... plans are overrated
Joey: some of the most fun is not knowing what you are doing or how you got there
SarahAGOL: you know...the first 32 years...i was so plan driven and now i don't have any
Joey: and not talking about waking up in a strange house next to someone you don't know...
Joey: although that could be fun too I suppose
SarahAGOL: i get that joey, but sometimes i'd like a hand in my adventure...or pretend i do
Joey: if it is planned, it isn't an adventure
SarahAGOL: i will be 37 (gulp!) in January and i feel time ticking...
SarahAGOL: i just read the last bit you wrote...rather profound
Joey: hey, even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in a while
SarahAGOL: OMG
SarahAGOL: LOL
Joey: (he's also the one you see on the side of the road clutching said nut while squished to the pavement)
SarahAGOL: oh good god
SarahAGOL: i feel ripe for a bigger adventure
Joey: sounds like you could use a good trip
Joey: the kind where you have an open ended ticket
SarahAGOL: psychotropic drugs?
Joey: and a eurorail pass
SarahAGOL: YES!!!
Joey: when you are either done, broke, tired or all of the above, you come home
SarahAGOL: sounds fun already
Joey: no plans, just go with the flow and submerse yourself in the culture
SarahAGOL: that sounds marvy
Joey: live it, breathe it and let it take you where it wants you to go
SarahAGOL: okay...how do i get there?
Joey: travelocity.com
Joey: =P

The rest of the workday was fast and furious. Spoke with Jill on my way home who survived the holiday and is deep in her new job. We're getting together in January for our birthdays... E-mailed something belatedly at work. Yes, I logged in at almost 10pm to do it, but it couldn't wait.

...In the back of mind, the echo of Joey's words: If it is planned, it isn't an adventure.
.

Profoundly Joey

Sunday Wisdom

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."

...I saw this again yesterday after many years and it is worth sharing.
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Sunday Wisdom

Cheshire Smile

Debated on posting this on Saturday. It is now Monday. Well, here you go. It is meant for one of my readers, but not sure who. Let me know via e-mail if it is you.

Creeping slowly like a monstrous sloth uncertainty’s cheshire smile widens. His shadow seeps within the crevices filled with secrets you thought well-hidden

The light from the smile sheds bright enough to make your secrets tremble. Uncertainty begins to feed on the fear giving it life akin a dormant fountain now spurting. Demonical laughter echoes in your being. Is it uncertainty or is it really you? Were you successful in inviting it in beating it as its own hunt for new game?

Embrace uncertainty, you embrace fear to help you shed them and let them flow. The true secret is once the shedding is done uncertainty no longer has a life of its own. In a turn of table, you are now the hunter where it is the one running, cowering. Smile a victorious smile, my sweet, feel it expanding fast to shed light on it all.

Cheshire Smile

A Six-Year Old's Wisdom

It was family day at my aunt's house for a total of 15 adults and children this time around. We were there for a goodbye lunch for Nan's sister-in-law, Aunt Wilma. My aunt made a mouth-watering feast as usual. I saved up so I could sample everything and ended up taking some of it home to enjoy later.

I did have one plan which was to get clips of Carter since he always provides spontaneous entertainment. You can hear my voice interviewing him in the middle of our meal. This six-year old is priceless.

>>> Watch the volume please! <<<

CARTER BEFORE RICE:



CARTER AFTER RICE:



CARTER KNOWS FILIPINO:



As the family party wound down, my cousin Ida and her husband left me to take their kids home later. Ended up helping my goddaughter's twin, Crystal with her homework which she was finishing up at my uncle's computer. My cousin's printer had been acting up and needed to print out her homework.

Drove the kids home around 5pm and I drove myself for some Caramel Macchiato at Starbucks. My aunt's home has the power to sap my energy for some strange reason. Got home and took care of Cabal before e-mailing the pictures and videos taken from the party.

My friend Jill called me to demonstrate for her how skype works. She has some new computer challenged clients who need a quick tutorial. Her video was streaming, but mine was static. My webcam hasn't been properly calibrated since...nevermind. I'd better get some more usage out of it for the good money spent.

I keep looking at Carter's videos and they just make me smile with his charm. Kids are the greatest, aren't they? How can you not have a Happy Sunday after spending time with him and the other kids. They remind us that life is still...livable.

A Six-Year Old's Wisdom

Happy vs. Extraordinary

Just about to get ready to go and visit Tawny/Jeff for the afternoon. Jeff is looking at something on my car and will also check out why my new vacuum is making horrendous sounds. Took it (mostly) apart myself and couldn't figure it out.

An older friend talked to me about Happy vs. Extraordinary this morning. He said that in your lifepath your options are arterial, meaning you have multiple paths to get to the similar place that is your destiny. If you choose the Happy path, you can have Happiness; however, if you choose the Extraordinary path, you can have Joy. Contentment yields Happiness and Hunger for More of Life yields Joy.

Will you settle for contentment because you think it is safer? Or will you take a risk and be hungry for more? Do you want to safely inhale oxygen readily available at sea level or are you willing to breathe in more rarefied air in the mountains? One path is not as easy or as difficult as the other. Which path would you open yourself to take?

Happy vs. Extraordinary

The Conga and a Reassessment

Blessed Friday, how I've longed for you...Maybe not that much, but I do welcome you. I was not sure how much work I would get finished today because a portion of my area is packing their belongings to move to the other corporate tower about a quarter mile down the road. All that erratic energy was not conducive to a happy workflow.

Lunchtime found us doing the conga (not literally) down to the cafe to get lunch and bring it back up to our breakroom. It was Tawny, Lisa and me starting the line. How much more fun would it had been had we actually danced the conga. We may have to find out later. I am curious enough to find out.

While I processed the strangest orders for equipment and mystery vendors, the back of my mind was going through a reassessment. I realized that Christmas is only four months away. Where has the time gone?

I am not giving the HOE (Handmade Ornament Exchange) party this year in November. I've already thrown away my six-foot artificial tree to possibly make room for a new one. I'll just have one Christmas gathering this year instead of two last year, if that. My heart is just not in it at the moment.

If we were to take today, August 10th and go back to the same date in 2006 what would our answers be to the following questions?

...What were you doing a year ago?
...What was your mental state?
...What goals did you have for yourself?
...What have you done in the last year?
...Was it life giving and life enhancing?
...Did you contribute to the world or someone's world?
...If yes, how did you do it?
...If no, how can you create the conditions to make it happen?
...Did your goals stay the same during the year?

If I were to take the same day of the 10th and remember back to December 10th, I would say that a single step that evening (in retrospect) changed my life. God's loving touch on my life that day cannot be stopped and is infinite. It has been life giving and life enhancing. It is a spiralling effect...Do I continue to climb up the spiral or slide down it after encountering a recent misstep? God's loving touch is a living force that moves through you and you are the instrument by which it lives. My answer is breathe and climb..and breathe again.

The drive home took an extra 30-minutes thanks to the traffic to get into the football stadium. The Tampa Bay Bucanneers were playing their first pre-season game. Tawny was with me as I gave her another ride home. We took an alternate route which is usually faster, but not this evening. We resigned ourselves to it.

Spent the rest of the evening trying to regain some peace from the day. Looking forward to tomorrow morning with Kimmee and Kristey.

The Conga and a Reassessment

In Case You Forgot

...that all we really need to know in life comes from The Matrix Trilogy:

"Love is a word, what matters is the connection that word implies." The Matrix Revolutions

"We are all here to do what we are all here to do..." The Matrix Reloaded

"You have to let it all go, Neo. Fear, doubt, and disbelief. Free your mind. " The Matrix

In Case You Forgot

Film Wisdom

As your AGOL, it is my duty to spread love, joy and beauty. Here's some loving words:

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."

-- [William Parrish] from the movie, Meet Joe Black (1998)

Film Wisdom

Oh, I Forgot About That...

I forgot about the aftermath in a break-up such as reorganizing yourself. For seven months (which I do not regret in any form), I've woven someone else in my life. With that comes habits and patterns of behavior.

Saturday and Sunday's mornings and evenings will not be the same. I will not be talking at 5am my time to accommodate someone else at 10am in their timezone or making sure I am home by 5pm to talk to someone at 10pm their timezone. That is the biggest part for me of so many things.

What drives us to keep trying at love even when a break-up is a challenge to process? When it comes around again and that Cupid's arrow hits us, do we lose all those memories? It is like when a woman gives birth, they say she forgets the pain and has another one?

I guess if we didn't keep trying, humanity would never continue. Luckily, it is not all up to me.

Oh, I Forgot About That...

Tuesday Twang

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." ~Mark Twain

Wondering if Mark Twain would still feel the same if he had to sift through the 21st Century BS. I have a great feeling that none of it would phase him. It would make him that much more determined to throw off the bowlines. After all, he was born in the Show Me* State, Missouri, where they don't believe it unless they see it.

On an odd note, Twain had a link to the Philippines in which he wrote Incident in the Philippines. His words were a part of his group's campaign in the opposition of the U.S. annexation of the Philippines. How's that for six-degrees to history?

Meanwhile, Yummy received another funny video e-mail from me. Instead of an alien, he received a cheery theme that starts out with me sporting a demented British accent. Poor bloke probably cringed as I cringe when he says things with an American accent. I don't mind showing my goofy side -- actually, I thought it was a rather cute clip. He needs an example of what not to do when you get a new webcam. Ha!

Updated with original video sent to Yummy thanks to new blogger gizmo. I should be embarrassed to post this, but I don't mind because it was real and there is beauty in truth:



Truth be told, my proficiency in creating the content and working with the technology are holding promises and possibilities for Project AGOL. I must set a deadline for myself to get those mini vids recorded and up on youtube rather sooner than later...

Worked steadily throughout the day and the mood at work was much improved as well. Maybe it was my mood now that I think about it.

Tawny couldn't stay away from e-mailing work peeps via her crackberry phone while they drove down the Southern States. She and her husband should be home late tonight. I believe she mentioned that by the time they get home from two weeks of vacation on the road, they will have driven through 18 States and racked up 8,400 miles. How many oil changes did that include?

Talked to Kristey on the way home. For some reason trying to write her during work hours is challenging. I was glad I caught up with her. She might meet us gals for walking on Saturday morning, but no promises. Keeping my fingers crossed. That would make four of us braving the heat and humidity.

Brought my lunch today and didn't eat all of it so I found myself craving some Southern fried chicken for dinner. The same fried chicken I denied myself on the 4th of July. I caved in and was satisfied. Will have to drink a vat full of water to counteract the sodium. Uh, make that two vats for the other serving I will be having for lunch tomorrow. Good lawd.

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*Show Me slogan wasn't coined and popularized until the last 13 years of Mark Twain's life.

Tuesday Twang

Spirited Away

Twenty-five years ago today was my mother's Spirit Date. The picture below was taken six months before she became free of this earth. It was taken in Holy Family Catholic Church in Angeles City, Philippines after I received my First Communion. Little AGOL was 10 years old and my mother was 33 years old.



God, I miss her so much! Luckily, I can remember many things about her through child eyes. She was always teaching me how to present myself in the best light through grooming, manners and behavior. Just because you may not have the best things or afford much, didn't mean you couldn't be clean especially under your finger nails, have your hair brushed and clothes mended or ironed not to mention comporting yourself. Guess who lives that now?

My cousin Ida helps me understand her as an adult and not as my mother. Maria (yes, my aunt, her sister, was named the same) was very firm and determined, but with a tender loving heart. She always helped the ones who had a broken wing.

Ida learned a lot from her about taking care of a house and the practicalities of life. Also, how material things are not important, but people! It is the relationships you build with people that are important and being generous of yourself and with what you have are what counts. When you care about people, you need to show them, be there for them, encourage them, learn to forgive them and not to give up on them.

Maria I. Abuda (Abraham) was born the youngest of eight in a little province in the Visayas called Lawa-an located specifically in Eastern Samar. Her parents Leon and Angela were farmers. They nicknamed her Yeying.

She was the only one in her family who graduated with an English teaching degree, but she didn't formally teach through my life in the Philippines. She somehow got a little sidetracked raising little AGOL Sarah not to mention making sure that the other relatives who lived with us had a roof, clothing and food. Mela, as her friends called her, married twice. It's funny. People still talk about her and remember her well in old circles.

And the one thing my mother taught me was to always be thankful for what you have. Life on earth is not free, only the love you give others is free. Thanks, Mom.

Spirited Away

Sewing Inspiration

The rain from Tropical Storm Barry continued from the night. Cabal did not enjoy getting his paws wet during our walk at 4:45am, but he enjoyed the towel drying when we came in. He is so shameless. I just tried not to step into any puddles with my flipflops.

Drove to my morning hair appointment hoping the weather would be okay. Slate clouds hovered over my side of town, but slowly gave way to some blue sky and warm sun on my way. By the time I got out, it was raining again. That's liquid sunshine for you.

My hairdresser Michelle seemed in a better frame of mind and I was truly happy for her. I brought her a souvenir from my UK trip, mug and chocolate. She loved the creamy Galaxy bar. Who doesn't?

My new sewing machine that has been in the trunk of my car since Christmas finally made it into my apartment. I am bound and determined to conquer my fear of sewing. Today I bought some supplies to make a small handbag. The instructions are easy, but when you seem to have a block on sewing, easy may as well be rocket science.

I talked to Yummy tonight for a bit and explained my sewing enigma. He stopped me dead in my tracks and asked me what it reminded me of that kept me from doing it. I can change belts on vacuums and have planned $200,000 events for a company. This should be no problem for me...

I turned the machine on and threaded it after I talked to Yummy. The instructions I have did not exactly have a pattern so I had to create the main one and the corresponding shapes for trim, etc. on my sketchpad. Getting closer. I am determined to get this done.

My sketch pad had a Dr. Wayne Dyer quote I had written in sometime back: Contemplate the surroundings of the conditions you wish to produce. It was a reminder that my dreams have yet to come to fruition and I need to keep them in mind. Perhaps making that breakthrough in sewing will help me.

Found Dr. Dyer quotes I have enjoyed --

Dr. Dyer explains his definition of success:
Thoreau: "If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours." That always has defined my road to what you call phenomenal success. I have advanced confidently in the direction of my dreams. I have lived the life I imagined. And I have had a ball doing it.

And last but not least this one which resonates and haunts me everyday from Dr. Dyer:
“Don’t die with your music still in you.” Everybody has that music..what it is they feel most blissful doing, what it is that they’re doing where they lose all sense of time, of fatigue, of hunger. All that dissolves because they’re inspired...


More...
Allowing success discussion with Dr. Wayne Dyer
More discussion on his site.

Sewing Inspiration