The Conversation

The following was an unexpected "Come to Jesus" midnight instant message conversation with Tab. What started out as nothing quickly became something more. He was saying I needed training (not that kind!)...This is very personal for me to share so I hope you treat it with a hint of deference. I've condensed the conversation in paragraphs. You may read him as a bastard, but he's telling the truth. He's the only one in my life who is not afraid of telling me the truth...the whole truth. I didn't feel angry, but I felt emboldened by his impassioned words:

Tab: little less thunder.. little more lightening…put your ass into it.. it being what ever you are striving for...stop f*cking around. go do it.. stop diddling..you are more than you think...go realize it…its painful to watch sometimes…sorry,,, that sounds terribly harsh but it is true…get on the edge…scare yourself a little..you are way too comfortable…you think big.. you dream big... but you "try" very gently..I see how you cool... I see how you capture your plating [food] with images...stop wasting yourself…cook...a sh*tty little online gig that you put everything into would be way better than plans for the most polished deal that never happens

Sarah: i know…i am hearing and understanding what you are saying to me. i know the path.

Tab: f*ck knowing…you can read an almanac.. you can find out how much it rains in tampa every year.. squeeze it and no water comes out…at some point... knowing is a lot like hoping.. you can worry that what you hope for won't come true... or you can hope you won’t worry that what you want wont come true,,, but in the end.. its wasted effort

Sarah: I guess what i am realizing lately...like very recently is that while i am looking for some guidance…there really is none for what i want to accomplish...it is up to me to blaze a trail...every time i come up with an idea, the people around me get excited and want to go along for the ride....now some of these people have better ideas...but it is as if they animate themselves when i animate myself..i guess what i've been trying to say…is that while i am looking for guidance from them, they are waiting for me to make the next move, a complete inertia occurs…during my STAYcation...i am giving myself permission to be creative for 10 days..i am having a professional costume designer teach me to use some skills better or polish them…i will be paying her to ensure her attention…those 10 days will be a great gift to myself...i am fortunate to be able to do it…it is basically up to me...where others can follow other people...i really don't have that luxury…people in general are attracted to my flame...like lost moths...when inside i feel like a lost moth

Tab: stop being afraid

Sarah: why do you see me so clearly? why do you take a pick axe and chip big rocks off me?

Tab: you are great just the way you are... you just don’t see what I do

How can I not take his words to heart? When someone believes in you with such passion? It is usually my role to do that to others. Now I know how they feel when I express my passion to them. Like they can fly.
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The Conversation