Bored Out of My Gourd

My plans today were canceled by my galpal which has sent my cabin fever into overdrive. Am I supposed to go out shopping and have lunch with over 100 staples still on my abdomen? I really don't care. I am recovering at my aunt's and have been been able to shower without help and do one load of laundry without help. The reliance on my walker is less and less so I can go out for a spell.

I just don't have time for cancer related activities!!!! There I have said it.

My goals are being pre-empted with all this cancer crap. Tomorrow morning I get to have all the staples extracted. I may even hear of which treatment plan my surgeon has for me. :::now with heavy sarcasm::: Let's get excited about chemo -- ooohhh! I will get excited later but not right at this very moment. Right now I am annoyed.

You know what I've found out? That full cable television is boring and is filled with mind-numbing junk. Ugh. Thank God I don't waste my money on this stuff. At my aunt's house, I have no choice but to surf 400 channels of brain-goo inducing programming.

If you haven't noticed, I am bored and I feel trapped. Maybe it is a good thing that Tawny still has my car because I would drive it right now against doctor's orders with this song blasting all the way up to the stratosphere: Sprinkle's Theme Today.

Bored Out of My Gourd

Giving Birth to Myself

I feel like I have given birth to myself. With a dark cap of hair and a blank slate to create my life, it should be more of a momentous occasion. No angels' trumpets heralded my arrival. There were no cigars handed out or a shower given. The realization came to me last weekend after my dad and stepmother left me after a short visit...

The wig is still in place until my hair grows long enough to make wearing it very uncomfortable. Combing magazines and surfing the Internet for a sexy yet edgy hairstyle have not yielded the choices I thought would be open to me. Mia Farrow or Jamie Lee Curtis I am not; I have a round face rather than a gamine one.

My body isn't the shape I want, but it is still healing. I didn't know it would take so long. Actually, I was told it would take long. I just refused to believe it. The one thing that makes me smile is I am able to bend down in half without any discomfort. That is a mini victory!

The vows to meet more people and do more different activities are being lived very well. Since I last posted, I attended an ovarian cancer awareness activity. September was Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month. I took the first Friday off and to help tie teal ribbons around park trees in downtown Tampa and to pass out 'symptom' cards to passersby. This activity also had me reconnecting with an old friend from eight years ago.

A young woman I thought I recognized had walked by me in the park during lunchtime. I said to myself that if she walked through the park again, I would talk to her. She did and it was indeed who I thought it was -- LisaK! It turned out that she thought she recognized me but knew that the Sarah she knew would never cut her hair to her shoulders. (See!) Long story short, we've reconnected in the last month and we are continuing to build our friendship again. Yay!

My weeknights have been spent out having dinner with friends and new groups of friends. I even went to a baseball game a vendor from work invited my team to last Wednesday. We received VIP treatment which was fun. The weekends for the month have been half busy unlike October which has all the weekends booked. It sounds pretentious but it is true. You tell the Universe your desires and it might just answer you.

The most important part of last month was my dad and stepmother's visit. To say I was apprehensive about seeing them again was a colossal understatement. They had also decided to make me their first visit on their tour instead of last which pushed up the dates to the end of September. It was a week's notice. Ugh. I had managed to avoid them for six years. Yes, six. Their presence reminds me of my (perceived) failures as a female -- no children and no husband. Out of six children between the two of them, I am the only one who has not been married and procreated.

Luckily for me, I had my shrinky dink appointment just hours before my parents descended upon me. The therapist reminded me that I have a connection with my stepmother that the other girls will not have -- cancer. She was right. We discussed our own journeys during their two-day visit. They arrived in time for lunch which I cooked. I also served a birthday cake I bought for my stepmom. It was to make-up for forgetting her birthday earlier in the month. She loved it. They checked in to their hotel later in the afternoon and came back so I could drive us to a legendary Spanish restaurant downtown for a very nice dinner.

I planned their second day visit with me. We went to a special art exhibit and a couple more art galleries by the beach. The late afternoon was spent meandering around Ikea followed by a casual dinner downtown. I would be lying if I said I had not enjoyed myself. On the whole, the reunion was great and liberating. It was a strong punctuation to the events of the last nine months.

Two of my sisters who live a couple of hours away had started an e-mail/facebook message campaign a week before my dad and stepmom came to visit. To this day, I have not answered them. You don't get to come in at the end and all of sudden remember I exist. Where the hell were you the last nine months?! My parents know how I feel about their recent attention that I am sure was motivated by their visit. I have since received another facebook message with a heartfelt apology on their deplorable behavior. A response may come from me. Not today. I have a forgiving and loving heart, but this is difficult. My silence is a reflection of the silence they have shown me. Even nice people have limits.

Before I forget, please say a prayer for Tawny and her family. Her mom is not doing well and is expected to cross over soon. Tawny, her sister and her niece are in Iowa right now for an emergency visit. This has been very hard on her and I just keep sending her my love through texts. Every little bit of love and prayer sent her way helps.

One of the things that has kept me cheery is spending time with my cousin's young children. They remind me of how cool childhood can be. I had made a shopping offer last weekend to 11-year old Kristen. To test her I told her she needed to call me the following Thursday to let me know if she could go. She did via her mother who confirmed our plans. Kristen spent the night on Friday and we toiled on Saturday shopping, lunching, watching a new movie and more shopping. This time she was not limited to minutes trying on clothes. It is a luxury when two younger brothers are around. The focus was solely on her this time. Later her parents and younger brothers stopped for the pizzas I had ordered for dinner on their way to pick her up. We scarfed down pizzas and some ice cream for dessert before they left.

I have been recovering today from a two-week nonstop whirlwind of activity. A blog update was also in order to let certain folks know I am still alive and doing well. I expect more spectacular adventures coming my way. Let's enjoy them together.

Love,
Sarah xo

PS We need to bring some comedy back to my posts, too. I have had some comedy since my last post. It just doesn't seem appropriate today for some reason.

Giving Birth to Myself

Remission

THIS IS THE LETTER MY DOCTOR WILL BE RECEIVING NEXT WEEK ALONG WITH A CARD.

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July 21, 2010


Dear Dr. R-----:

This note is from the “groovy girl” who has brought you decadent treats during her last three cycles of chemo…

Today you said that words that have affected me more than anything you’ve said to me in the last six months, “You’re in remission.” I knew that would be the case, but hearing the words from you still stunned me. You’re very lucky I didn’t grab and hug you as was my first instinct. I saved you from awkwardness by reminding myself that you most likely appreciate your patients better under anesthesia. I don’t think it is because you’re afraid to connect with your patients, but because it is easier to deal with the facts of science and lab results rather than the emotional product of your findings and treatment options. The cerebral part takes over because it is what helps cure your patients. This was good because I didn’t need you to coddle me. I needed concrete facts to distance the emotional side as well.

At 39, I never expected to have cancer. Who does, right? I have approached my cancer with a project plan so I could keep the focus on what I needed to do to have minimal side effects and how to manage my energy each day. There was also an edict to my family and friends that I would go through everything with humor. That is where being “chemo sexy” and living the “glamcer (glamorous cancer) life” have come from. Even my chemo sessions were “happy hours” because you gave me “chemo cocktails”. The cute names do not by any means diminish the gravity of cancer, but they sure make it more bearable and less frightening. To me, it is what is so why not make it fun? Why be boring? Other people have ‘boring’ covered. You don’t even know the half of the crazy things I came up with to cope. Even my eight-day hospital stay was fun with tons of visitors, cello player, visiting pets and caring expert medical staff! Spending my 39th birthday in a hospital bed was not bad at all.

The first day I met with you was the same day I had my pre-op. A nurse in pre-op said you were chosen for M------. That gave me comfort that I would be in good hands. Nothing like a rock star oncologist, eh? Don’t blush. Your other nurses like you and tell on you. That’s how I knew you loved chocolate. They also said you were a runner which made me feel confident to bring you treats that you could work off. Ha! Besides – I thought how different would it be if your patient gave you something other than a look of apprehension as to how she is progressing.

What am I trying to say with all this? Sometimes doctors do not get a sense of a patient’s real thoughts especially with the quick clinic visits. Getting into my mind involves a few martinis and a bucketful dirty jokes. Once again, I have spared you. Well, good doctor, I want to say thank you for saving me. Thank you for helping me reset my life. I intend to live it with more verve. The serendipitous way I came to M------ is a testament as to how much I am wickedly blessed. You are one of those blessings. I am so lucky!

While I have enjoyed the Brazilian you’ve given me through chemo, I have not liked the Skinderella/Baldilocks hairstyle or the eyelash suicide. So until I see you again for my three-month visit, I am focusing on growing hair.

Thank you,
Sarah

PS Thanks also for saying the toast to my health and favorable CT scan right before my last cycle of treatment. It worked!
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Yes, my lovelies -- I am in remission. Thank you for support and prayers. Every little bit helped me heal. xxoo

Remission

Cottage Industry

Sprinklesville has its own 'cottage industry' with more than two and half dozen crystal bracelets made so far. It was Tawny who coined the term for my beading this afternoon when I gave her an update on my progress.

Here is a pic of my mail out today which does include the box next to the envelopes:



I am sending out a love revolution for my chemo support. Every bit is needed especially when I go back to work in two weeks. We'll all have to work on our love vibe ringing strong across this nation as well as all over the world.

Speaking of...I have decided to design new bracelets for all of my upcoming chemo appointments. Huh? What I mean is I am making bracelets to give out randomly to the women going through cancer in the building. A few will be given out in the waiting room and another set in the infusion center. Each bracelet will have a note on it that says "Something Pretty...because cancer is not".

My new goal is to give back somehow. How I found out about my cancer was Divinely Guided and I am wickedly blessed with a support system of friends and family all over the world. How else can I make a difference in other people's lives? By giving smiles with a tangible object to remind cancer patients that they are still beautiful and worthy of receiving 'something pretty'. If you could see the lights that have gone out in some of these women's eyes, you would either weep with them or want to shake them to remind them they are still alive. I am also working on a male bracelet for the ones I see in the infusion center. Some prototypes are in the works for that part of my project. All of this hasn't all been worked out yet, but I figured I can wing it until I do...

Other than beadies, I made calls to my benefit company for my short-term disability status and I called the triage nurse for the skin condition on my hands and a possible cold I am catching. Based on my chemo cocktail, I can take Benadryl for the skin condition and over-the-counter meds for the cold thing. So glad I called. Not. I only did it to make sure I didn't need to do anything additional.

Dad called me tonight to see how I was doing. I also spoke to my stepmom who only has to go through a bit of radiation for her breast cancer. She had borderline readings on her pathology report for the lump that was taken out a couple of weeks ago. Chemotherapy has been omitted from her treatment. All this was good news to hear.

I worked on more bracelets tonight and two are ready to be mailed tomorrow. I wish you could share with me how much joy it is to create pretty things.
.

Cottage Industry

Fall Awake

Meditation and mindfulness were in my thoughts when I woke up. To be honest, it has been on my mind for a while as I try to make peace and honor my inner chatter. It would be all to easy to shroud myself in the subject that is cancer. To me that would be like creating another cancer on your mind if you are not a medical professional choosing to help eradicate it.

The sea of depression that can accompany such a focus on the disease does tease me with its ebb and flow on my psyche. My toes feel it but I keep myself on the shore where it is warm, safe and happy to observe and not get caught in the undertow. Some days I still find myself knee-deep but no more than that.

I bought a book Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips by Kris Carr last Wednesday. It is not my desire at all to buy books on cancer. I've received enough literature from the center and enough online reading selections to save myself the expenditure; however, the title appealed to my sense of humor. In just the preliminary pages, I find myself engaged and thankful that someone addressed the plight of twenty to thirty somethings. Many cancer documents either deal with children or folks around retirement age. What about the rest of us who are still grappling with being a vibrant adult or even a sexy Asian Goddess of Love? Apparently cancer had never heard of Sarah Sprinkles!

In my new shiny book, it recommends finding a happy place and going there to get away from things. My places are not close to my apartment; they are hundreds and/or thousands of miles away. The one place I know I can be anywhere is my mind where there is no distinction of imagination and actual visits to my happy places. Lucky me!

The universe must have been listening because on one of my blogs I follow posted the following link and poem. It was an "aah moment" (as opposed to a-ha!). Jon Kabat-Zinn's hour long talk on his google campus visit was illuminating. He talked about using meditation to "fall awake" in awareness. Watch it if you can.

At the end of his talk he shared this poem by Derek Walcott:

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

I can correlate this poem to rather than letting any kind of cancer eat away at us and take over, we can choose to focus on what is really happening and not the bullshit we unconsciously get caught up in. We can feast on our own life and how that can be more beautiful if we let it. You know from recent entries how the idea of losing my hair to chemotherapy is worrisome. I must remember that 'pruning leads to blooming'. What if the surgeon's carving the cancer out of my body in January and now my imminent hair loss is a way for God to help me reset my life on a course more beautiful than I have ever imagined?
.

Fall Awake