Monday, September 24, 2012
Friday, April 27, 2012
UPDATED SPRINKLES PIC
Friday, March 23, 2012
CHANGING STORIES
Have you ever felt the grip of fear that the story of your life is neither what you had dreamed of as a child or what you thought it would be as an adult?
This fear then shadows you for what seams like eons -- really is just empty years unfulfilled as you've allowed yourself to be carried by the mediocrity of the world, flavored by beliefs about yourself that are totally permeable if you examined them under your spiritual loupe. I finally recognized it December 2009 but have been feeling it circa 2001. Funny how facing your own mortality will shock your atoms to attention like a drill instructor screaming in the face of a new recruit while leaving spittle on his face to punctuate his points.
Two major cancer surgeries and two sets of chemos have driven me to change the stories about myself. Things like: I am not outdoorsy nor athletic. I am not strong enough. I am not smart enough. I am not beautiful enough. I am not deserving of the abundant life I have been peering at from the other side of the cold glass door that was fogged by the warmth of my doubting breath. How have I not seen that the door did not have a doorknob because it was actually open all along and all I had to do was walk through it? Madness.
Since my last post, I have been consciously making alterations in many aspects to change the stories about my life. Life does not stop just because you have had a Spiritual Eureka. I have encountered stresses at work, identity theft and the specter of a cancer recurrence. My recommendation is to set yourself up for success so you can breakthrough self-limiting beliefs one at a time. Breakthroughs are cathartic...
In January, I went camping and HIKING. What?
Last month I went zip-lining with my diva-delicious friend Jill! As her schedule permits with work, hubby and growing adorable sons, we will indulge ourselves in new adventures. This time we scaled two towers, 45ft & 65 ft respectively which were part of eight zips across the tree canopies at 30 mph, 65ft above ground. Our harnesses took us from 225ft-950ft long zips. Did I mention having to cross two rickety rope bridges wide enough for your feet? It was exhilarating! I am very lucky that heights do not scare me. The bridges were the most difficult. I am so fit at the moment that climbing the 65-ft tower did not leave me breathless. Yeah, Sprinkles!
The gym is now an integral part of my life. I saw a guy outside the gym and didn't recognize him in civilian clothes until he said to me, "See you at the gym". Really? That sentence would have been unheard of spoken to me! When I am late or don't show up, the other regulars get at me when they see me. The first time it happened, I was annoyed. Now I take it in stride because they know how far I have come.
For example... See this Free Motion Squat Machine?
When I started in late September still weak from chemo, I could only lift 30-40lbs on my shoulders, 1 set of 10 repetitions. I also needed quite of bit of assistance squatting down just past 90 degrees on my knees at the beginning to "catch the weight" and hike it up to starting position. Now I can do 140lbs, 3 sets of 15 repetitions with no assistance squatting almost sitting down on the ground to catch all the weight. I can cry just thinking of my progress.
Indoor farming now, too. Okay, I have only started with broccoli sprouts, but I think I will be progressing to microgreens soon. It is very satisfying to harvest after just one week of growing from seed.
On the immediate horizon, I have a trip to California in June to look forward to after being in Chemoberia for two years. Been outlining my script for my youtube videos. I just figured out how to make my own homemade teleprompter and also where to buy a small studio light kit with backgrounds for when I film them.
I missed my blog and tonight I decided to catch up a little. I am going to revamp this page, too. The background color is a start for now. Probably scrapping the whole design and starting over. We'll see. Stories can change.
My Love to You!
Sarah Sprinkles
xxoo
This fear then shadows you for what seams like eons -- really is just empty years unfulfilled as you've allowed yourself to be carried by the mediocrity of the world, flavored by beliefs about yourself that are totally permeable if you examined them under your spiritual loupe. I finally recognized it December 2009 but have been feeling it circa 2001. Funny how facing your own mortality will shock your atoms to attention like a drill instructor screaming in the face of a new recruit while leaving spittle on his face to punctuate his points.
Two major cancer surgeries and two sets of chemos have driven me to change the stories about myself. Things like: I am not outdoorsy nor athletic. I am not strong enough. I am not smart enough. I am not beautiful enough. I am not deserving of the abundant life I have been peering at from the other side of the cold glass door that was fogged by the warmth of my doubting breath. How have I not seen that the door did not have a doorknob because it was actually open all along and all I had to do was walk through it? Madness.
Since my last post, I have been consciously making alterations in many aspects to change the stories about my life. Life does not stop just because you have had a Spiritual Eureka. I have encountered stresses at work, identity theft and the specter of a cancer recurrence. My recommendation is to set yourself up for success so you can breakthrough self-limiting beliefs one at a time. Breakthroughs are cathartic...
In January, I went camping and HIKING. What?
Last month I went zip-lining with my diva-delicious friend Jill! As her schedule permits with work, hubby and growing adorable sons, we will indulge ourselves in new adventures. This time we scaled two towers, 45ft & 65 ft respectively which were part of eight zips across the tree canopies at 30 mph, 65ft above ground. Our harnesses took us from 225ft-950ft long zips. Did I mention having to cross two rickety rope bridges wide enough for your feet? It was exhilarating! I am very lucky that heights do not scare me. The bridges were the most difficult. I am so fit at the moment that climbing the 65-ft tower did not leave me breathless. Yeah, Sprinkles!
The gym is now an integral part of my life. I saw a guy outside the gym and didn't recognize him in civilian clothes until he said to me, "See you at the gym". Really? That sentence would have been unheard of spoken to me! When I am late or don't show up, the other regulars get at me when they see me. The first time it happened, I was annoyed. Now I take it in stride because they know how far I have come.
For example... See this Free Motion Squat Machine?
When I started in late September still weak from chemo, I could only lift 30-40lbs on my shoulders, 1 set of 10 repetitions. I also needed quite of bit of assistance squatting down just past 90 degrees on my knees at the beginning to "catch the weight" and hike it up to starting position. Now I can do 140lbs, 3 sets of 15 repetitions with no assistance squatting almost sitting down on the ground to catch all the weight. I can cry just thinking of my progress.
Indoor farming now, too. Okay, I have only started with broccoli sprouts, but I think I will be progressing to microgreens soon. It is very satisfying to harvest after just one week of growing from seed.
On the immediate horizon, I have a trip to California in June to look forward to after being in Chemoberia for two years. Been outlining my script for my youtube videos. I just figured out how to make my own homemade teleprompter and also where to buy a small studio light kit with backgrounds for when I film them.
I missed my blog and tonight I decided to catch up a little. I am going to revamp this page, too. The background color is a start for now. Probably scrapping the whole design and starting over. We'll see. Stories can change.
My Love to You!
Sarah Sprinkles
xxoo
Saturday, October 08, 2011
Nietzsche Knows
Cool gusty winds lifted my hair today. (Smiling) I cannot recall the last time that happened...
It has been eight weeks since my last chemo and it was the most difficult one. For four additional hours I was subjected to a two-pint blood transfusion. My lower back was also a spasm of pain most of the day which caused me to adopt different positions to try and relieve it without taking pain medicine. Even knowing all this, I would do it all over.
Steroids were again a part of my chemo care regimen. It came with baggage though -- an extra 25 pounds of weight on my body on top of the weight I need to lose. Since re-joining Weight Watchers eight weeks ago, I have lost 15!
My health motto taken from a shirt on bodybuilding.com is "Rise from Weakness". Last year's chemo recovery was not easy so I took a time off this time around two weeks ago to try and make my way to the gym to restart a weight lifting regimen with my coach at 5am. Yes, 5! A nasty alarm wakes me up at 4am Monday through Friday so I can get geared up and eat a pre-workout snack of one banana and seven pieces of raw almonds plus water. Oh yes -- my mouth looks like it is filled with Chiclets when I smile at my Jamaican coach each morning. The joy I feel is immense even when my muscles protest from underuse and chemo recovery...
My home address is new but I have not moved. The emergency network insisted on my apartment complex updating their address system to make it easier on them in case they are needed. A mobile vehicle from the Department of Motor Vehicles was parked in my parking area for everyone to change their driver's license (for free!) to reflect the change of address. I wanted to change my address earlier this year, but this is not exactly what I had imagined.
On the same vein, my UK company has sold off the Healthcare division. I was a casualty of the split that will be finalized in November. My job was moved to the Healthcare side as part of the divestiture. I get to drive to work in the same building but just work under a new company name and with a new manager yet to be named. Mind you, I started out at the Healthcare division and I have been supporting them for six years so the change is more paperwork than anything. I am still happy.
My bigger personal projects are still simmering on the burner; however, I am very proud to inform you that I completed my first quilt. Buoyed by this accomplishment, I also designed and put together a bed scarf as well as recovered my frou-frou pillows to match my new duvet set. I may have finally conquered my fear of sewing!
Sigh.
For now I have to concentrate on my job and improving my health. A quote from Nietzsche sums it up, “He who has a why can endure any how." My whys are worth every step no matter how small or difficult. I think of that each time I see my hair and wince. It has grown much longer, but chemo thinned it out by more than half. Through the magic of a curling iron, brush techniques and a fumigation of hairspray, I still manage to receive compliments on it from strangers. If they only knew how I cannot wait to have my full crown again. I need a bigger crown to rule over Sprinklesville! Ha. My hair is coming back more and more each day judging by the havoc the wind did on it today. It was a nice reminder that things are coming along nicely.
Love,
Sarah
It has been eight weeks since my last chemo and it was the most difficult one. For four additional hours I was subjected to a two-pint blood transfusion. My lower back was also a spasm of pain most of the day which caused me to adopt different positions to try and relieve it without taking pain medicine. Even knowing all this, I would do it all over.
Steroids were again a part of my chemo care regimen. It came with baggage though -- an extra 25 pounds of weight on my body on top of the weight I need to lose. Since re-joining Weight Watchers eight weeks ago, I have lost 15!
My health motto taken from a shirt on bodybuilding.com is "Rise from Weakness". Last year's chemo recovery was not easy so I took a time off this time around two weeks ago to try and make my way to the gym to restart a weight lifting regimen with my coach at 5am. Yes, 5! A nasty alarm wakes me up at 4am Monday through Friday so I can get geared up and eat a pre-workout snack of one banana and seven pieces of raw almonds plus water. Oh yes -- my mouth looks like it is filled with Chiclets when I smile at my Jamaican coach each morning. The joy I feel is immense even when my muscles protest from underuse and chemo recovery...
My home address is new but I have not moved. The emergency network insisted on my apartment complex updating their address system to make it easier on them in case they are needed. A mobile vehicle from the Department of Motor Vehicles was parked in my parking area for everyone to change their driver's license (for free!) to reflect the change of address. I wanted to change my address earlier this year, but this is not exactly what I had imagined.
On the same vein, my UK company has sold off the Healthcare division. I was a casualty of the split that will be finalized in November. My job was moved to the Healthcare side as part of the divestiture. I get to drive to work in the same building but just work under a new company name and with a new manager yet to be named. Mind you, I started out at the Healthcare division and I have been supporting them for six years so the change is more paperwork than anything. I am still happy.
My bigger personal projects are still simmering on the burner; however, I am very proud to inform you that I completed my first quilt. Buoyed by this accomplishment, I also designed and put together a bed scarf as well as recovered my frou-frou pillows to match my new duvet set. I may have finally conquered my fear of sewing!
Sigh.
For now I have to concentrate on my job and improving my health. A quote from Nietzsche sums it up, “He who has a why can endure any how." My whys are worth every step no matter how small or difficult. I think of that each time I see my hair and wince. It has grown much longer, but chemo thinned it out by more than half. Through the magic of a curling iron, brush techniques and a fumigation of hairspray, I still manage to receive compliments on it from strangers. If they only knew how I cannot wait to have my full crown again. I need a bigger crown to rule over Sprinklesville! Ha. My hair is coming back more and more each day judging by the havoc the wind did on it today. It was a nice reminder that things are coming along nicely.
Love,
Sarah
Friday, July 08, 2011
Chemoberia
I exaggerate. It is not quite Chemoberia. Before you get excited, this is a postage stamp post to say I am still living and doing well...
Since I last posted I have completed Cycle #4 of 6 sets of chemotherapy. Cycle #3 was ugly -- dizziness and being seriously tired for almost two weeks. Recovering from Cycle #4 has been a cakewalk compared to #3. All in all I am still happy and have lots of hair even though it has thinned significantly. I went from looking like Joanie Cunningham (Happy Days) to Betty Boop.
My life is being planned and lived like it is Golden. More later; I have to secure my own raft as it has been a continuous deluge here in Trampa. Extra oars, anyone?
Kisses,
Sprinkles
Since I last posted I have completed Cycle #4 of 6 sets of chemotherapy. Cycle #3 was ugly -- dizziness and being seriously tired for almost two weeks. Recovering from Cycle #4 has been a cakewalk compared to #3. All in all I am still happy and have lots of hair even though it has thinned significantly. I went from looking like Joanie Cunningham (Happy Days) to Betty Boop.
My life is being planned and lived like it is Golden. More later; I have to secure my own raft as it has been a continuous deluge here in Trampa. Extra oars, anyone?
Kisses,
Sprinkles
Sunday, May 08, 2011
Third Compartment
Coping with my current life has forced me to put aspects of it in three distinct compartments. The first is "dealing with cancer" since it is in the forefront. The second is "work" where I challenge myself to not let the first compartment overtake the kind of progress I am trying to make. The third compartment is a place where I've struggled to be in since December 2009 and that place is "just being me".
What is "just being me" about? It is where: I am not a cancer patient... I am not an employee... I am not a daughter... I am not a sister or friend... I am not a cooking expert or frustrated artist. I am just the core of me and not the shell of roles I have acquired on my journey. It is a place where I can look at me and recognize the Divine Spark I have been entrusted with on this Earth. When I look at that Divine Spark it is where I also get to gaze at it and find out what I am supposed to really do to give of my life and use it to its best.
Of course, I would be lying to you if I also didn't include a fourth compartment of being a partner/spouse to an incredible man who allows me the freedom to be in that third compartment. He would also not be intimidated by that surety in my sense of self as well the things I want to accomplish as it relates to my contribution to humanity. Sigh... I am working on one compartment at a time for now.
____
On Friday, I had the pleasure of hosting a small dinner party. It was a bit last minute by my plan ahead standards. We dined like kings on Italian fare. I put together an antipasto platter that had variety and also beauty in its presentation. The entree was red sauce with hot Italian sausage over thin spaghetti which was accompanied by slices of sesame seed crusted baguette broiled with a compound butter I made the night before. The wine flowed but not for me since any alcohol is prohibited with my chemo.
The following picture was of dessert. I purchased the mini cannolis and the petit fours. Dutch cocoa powder was dusted all over the white plates. I placed a fork over the plate and then dusted with powdered sugar so I could achieve a silhouette of the fork before I plated the tender sweets next to it.
Today was Mother's Day and I did visit my aunt to give her tulips and some petit fours. I also brought my uncle two chocolate glazed donuts as a treat. My aunt made us a sweet and sour fish lunch. It was quite tasty!
I shopped after at the local crafts shop where I was determined to buy garland and a wire wreath to make my new wreath for the front door. The set I had was tired looking and I was of the mind to improve my feng shui. My heart was charmed with a new welcome mat I found. I took one look at it and the French word "bicyclette" came to mind. It had to come home with me. The floral design on the mat matches my wreath nicely.
Whorls of hair have taken over my head thanks to the previous chemo. I am reticent to cut them since my hair will get thinner as the new chemo goes on. Today I surprised myself by taking the picture below. I wanted to share what I looked like at the moment. The curls in the back are full. It doesn't look like the "me" I know, but here you have it.
I guess it is not that bad. ;p
Love and Hugs,
Sprinkles
What is "just being me" about? It is where: I am not a cancer patient... I am not an employee... I am not a daughter... I am not a sister or friend... I am not a cooking expert or frustrated artist. I am just the core of me and not the shell of roles I have acquired on my journey. It is a place where I can look at me and recognize the Divine Spark I have been entrusted with on this Earth. When I look at that Divine Spark it is where I also get to gaze at it and find out what I am supposed to really do to give of my life and use it to its best.
Of course, I would be lying to you if I also didn't include a fourth compartment of being a partner/spouse to an incredible man who allows me the freedom to be in that third compartment. He would also not be intimidated by that surety in my sense of self as well the things I want to accomplish as it relates to my contribution to humanity. Sigh... I am working on one compartment at a time for now.
____
On Friday, I had the pleasure of hosting a small dinner party. It was a bit last minute by my plan ahead standards. We dined like kings on Italian fare. I put together an antipasto platter that had variety and also beauty in its presentation. The entree was red sauce with hot Italian sausage over thin spaghetti which was accompanied by slices of sesame seed crusted baguette broiled with a compound butter I made the night before. The wine flowed but not for me since any alcohol is prohibited with my chemo.
The following picture was of dessert. I purchased the mini cannolis and the petit fours. Dutch cocoa powder was dusted all over the white plates. I placed a fork over the plate and then dusted with powdered sugar so I could achieve a silhouette of the fork before I plated the tender sweets next to it.
Today was Mother's Day and I did visit my aunt to give her tulips and some petit fours. I also brought my uncle two chocolate glazed donuts as a treat. My aunt made us a sweet and sour fish lunch. It was quite tasty!
I shopped after at the local crafts shop where I was determined to buy garland and a wire wreath to make my new wreath for the front door. The set I had was tired looking and I was of the mind to improve my feng shui. My heart was charmed with a new welcome mat I found. I took one look at it and the French word "bicyclette" came to mind. It had to come home with me. The floral design on the mat matches my wreath nicely.
Whorls of hair have taken over my head thanks to the previous chemo. I am reticent to cut them since my hair will get thinner as the new chemo goes on. Today I surprised myself by taking the picture below. I wanted to share what I looked like at the moment. The curls in the back are full. It doesn't look like the "me" I know, but here you have it.
I guess it is not that bad. ;p
Love and Hugs,
Sprinkles
Monday, April 25, 2011
Kimo the Elephant
Florence and the Machine's "Dog Days are Over" was looped repeatedly in my car last Thursday morning. I love the first line, "Happiness, hit her like a train on a track." And that is exactly was Sprinkles got that morning.
Bridget at work wanted to do something special for me since she new part of my spirits had been dampened by the anticipation of this particular chemo. She enlisted the help of her son's 3rd grade teacher and came up with the best "Happiness". The whole class made me homemade cards with encouragement of hope against cancer and they gave me a stuffed elephant to keep me company during my chemotherapy. I was so stunned and overwhelmed that I cried. I love children and to have these little beings make/send me (a stranger!) homemade cards made my cup runneth over. I have since named my new soft friend Kimo!
Meet Kimo and see the stack of cards next to him:
I must have held on to Kimo tighter the next day. It went well, but a little weird. My port was giving me issues so they had to infuse all the drugs in my arm. The nurse was unsure of chemo going into the port. I have a dye-study scheduled (hopefully) this Friday during my short chemo day. My aunt escorted me and I had the pleasure of being recognized by someone from my Ovacome group as well as the techs and nurses at the infusion center... Jeezus, I need another hangout.
Good news -- my boss went to bat for me with our benefits team. I am no longer paying $50 for one of my after chemo meds. They have overridden it with the drug company and I will be paying $25 instead. So from $73 to $48 every three weeks instead. Hooray!
Just to keep me on geeky track, here is something I came up with to help me with taking these things. It is not foolproof - this fool forgot to take the pink section all day yesterday. Sigh. It was just for anti-nausea -- luckily, I was okay.
Working today was not bad because the blue section was not on today. Those drugs make my brain woozy. Will work from home again tomorrow just to be sure... I did experience a little feathering in my hearing today like I did at my aunt's house on Sunday. It was not a strong thing and didn't keep me from enjoying my cousin's kids. I guess it comes and goes. Everyday is a new adventure in side-effects. You can never say cancer is boring for sure!
Kisses,
Sprinkles xo
SIDE NOTE: On the Dog Days video, it kinda reminds me of Captain Kirk's Quaalude induced sex dreams if you could imagine such a thing. What do you think?
Bridget at work wanted to do something special for me since she new part of my spirits had been dampened by the anticipation of this particular chemo. She enlisted the help of her son's 3rd grade teacher and came up with the best "Happiness". The whole class made me homemade cards with encouragement of hope against cancer and they gave me a stuffed elephant to keep me company during my chemotherapy. I was so stunned and overwhelmed that I cried. I love children and to have these little beings make/send me (a stranger!) homemade cards made my cup runneth over. I have since named my new soft friend Kimo!
Meet Kimo and see the stack of cards next to him:
I must have held on to Kimo tighter the next day. It went well, but a little weird. My port was giving me issues so they had to infuse all the drugs in my arm. The nurse was unsure of chemo going into the port. I have a dye-study scheduled (hopefully) this Friday during my short chemo day. My aunt escorted me and I had the pleasure of being recognized by someone from my Ovacome group as well as the techs and nurses at the infusion center... Jeezus, I need another hangout.
Good news -- my boss went to bat for me with our benefits team. I am no longer paying $50 for one of my after chemo meds. They have overridden it with the drug company and I will be paying $25 instead. So from $73 to $48 every three weeks instead. Hooray!
Just to keep me on geeky track, here is something I came up with to help me with taking these things. It is not foolproof - this fool forgot to take the pink section all day yesterday. Sigh. It was just for anti-nausea -- luckily, I was okay.
Working today was not bad because the blue section was not on today. Those drugs make my brain woozy. Will work from home again tomorrow just to be sure... I did experience a little feathering in my hearing today like I did at my aunt's house on Sunday. It was not a strong thing and didn't keep me from enjoying my cousin's kids. I guess it comes and goes. Everyday is a new adventure in side-effects. You can never say cancer is boring for sure!
Kisses,
Sprinkles xo
SIDE NOTE: On the Dog Days video, it kinda reminds me of Captain Kirk's Quaalude induced sex dreams if you could imagine such a thing. What do you think?
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Channeling Churchill
Once again, I am "greeting inevitability with a smile". My new chemo treatment begins this coming Friday, April 22nd. Accepting this next phase has been more difficult than I thought it would be.
Wednesday was my appointment with my surgeon and his team to discuss my chemotherapy treatment. I reminded him about the allergic reaction in Cycle 6 to Carboplatin, one of the cocktail ingredients of last year's treatments. He then made the decision to treat me with Cisplatin. I started to laugh when he said this particular drug causes kidney damage and more nausea. Oh, joy.
We also discussed the after care drugs. I told him I would rather do the same surgery we just did than take the after care drugs that messed with my brain days after each chemo treatment. He said it would have to be discussed with the pharmacist and the nurse. All in all my surgeon foresees me doing well especially when he reminded me how sick I was last year when I went through treatment. It was not a total comfort to me. Things got more upsetting when the pharmacist came to discuss the chemo drugs.
A specialized pharmacist bearing short pretty bobbed blond hair and a cheery patterned dress with a sweet angelic face came to see me. No, her heavenly presence did not diminish the gravity of her words. She confirmed the Cisplatin causes kidney damage and more nausea. I then asked her how would we know? Would I pee blood? "No," she says -- "It will show up in the blood work." Great, a silent killer. More assurances of being able to reverse or stop the side effects spilled from her mouth. Oh yes -- there is also a chance of some hearing loss. Sigh. What about the Gemzar portion? What exactly does that drug do? In her calm angelic way, "It messes with your RNA and DNA....to stop things from growing." Goddamn it, are you fucking kidding me?! (Remember...all these drugs are poisons designed to treat cancer.)
Next my surgeon's specialized nurse came in. We discussed the aftercare drugs and my feelings on it in great detail. They looked at the dosage prescription for the chemo which was surprisingly lighter than they thought. Instead of having two drugs for after chemo drugs, I will have four drugs staged to minimize nausea and brain fog. Later I found out that instead of paying about $12 every three weeks, I will be paying $70+ because one drug is not standard and my insurance company will not cut me a break on pricing.
I must must must remember I am being treated in the No. 4 ranking facility in the U.S. and that my surgeon is the best in the department. I must must must also remember that I am in a better place than last time. My new scar has healed nicely and looks fabulous. Hell, I look fabulous thanks to more weight loss and my determination to look extraordinarily normal and beautiful. I will experience some hair loss, but not a total one like last year which is a plus if you're trying to retain your own beauty during chemo.
There was one unexpected news... Tab has gotten engaged and is getting married today. After I told him off in December to stop our association even as friends/acquaintances, his now wife has managed to be employed in my company in the same building starting while I was out on medical leave. Of course, being the Class A Jerk he is, he also managed to instant message me last Monday to "say hello". He didn't know I already knew of this new development prior to my first day back to work so I made sure to make a preemptive strike and ask him how she enjoyed her new employment and commented on her engagement ring I saw earlier in the day. His response was dead silence for several moments until he recovered and prattled on and on regarding his new wonderful life. I wasn't so accommodating. He soon lost interest and was tired of getting insulted. (For some reason, he keeps coming back for conversation when he thinks my temper has cooled off. He banks on my forgiving nature.) Two great things came out of this: 1) I feel nothing when I see his fiance/wife and 2) I felt more of nothing when he contacted me. Hooray for Sprinkles!
Quilting...yes, I have taken it on. Since I cannot practice my other womanly arts (wink), I might as well take on a more leisurely one. Last weekend, I took a road trip with Kimmee and Quilting Cathy to shop four quilt shops where fabric was a calming drug. I am halfway through my first one. That one is being named "Manila Sunrise". A pic will be posted when it is completed.
It is near noon... I should make a nice lunch and work my plans for preparing for chemo, minimizing side-effects from chemo and getting through it. My surgeon wants to do 6 cycle sets which should have completion in August. My support system of family and friends keeps me going when I start to have doubts. I am often reminded that I am important to many people.
It is essential for you to know that I am doing great; I just have to dig deeper in my faith to keep my smiles. Luckily, the well is Infinitely Deep and will not ever run out as long as I never, never, never give up. Think Churchill.
Love and Blessings,
Sarah Sprinkles
xxoo
Wednesday was my appointment with my surgeon and his team to discuss my chemotherapy treatment. I reminded him about the allergic reaction in Cycle 6 to Carboplatin, one of the cocktail ingredients of last year's treatments. He then made the decision to treat me with Cisplatin. I started to laugh when he said this particular drug causes kidney damage and more nausea. Oh, joy.
We also discussed the after care drugs. I told him I would rather do the same surgery we just did than take the after care drugs that messed with my brain days after each chemo treatment. He said it would have to be discussed with the pharmacist and the nurse. All in all my surgeon foresees me doing well especially when he reminded me how sick I was last year when I went through treatment. It was not a total comfort to me. Things got more upsetting when the pharmacist came to discuss the chemo drugs.
A specialized pharmacist bearing short pretty bobbed blond hair and a cheery patterned dress with a sweet angelic face came to see me. No, her heavenly presence did not diminish the gravity of her words. She confirmed the Cisplatin causes kidney damage and more nausea. I then asked her how would we know? Would I pee blood? "No," she says -- "It will show up in the blood work." Great, a silent killer. More assurances of being able to reverse or stop the side effects spilled from her mouth. Oh yes -- there is also a chance of some hearing loss. Sigh. What about the Gemzar portion? What exactly does that drug do? In her calm angelic way, "It messes with your RNA and DNA....to stop things from growing." Goddamn it, are you fucking kidding me?! (Remember...all these drugs are poisons designed to treat cancer.)
Next my surgeon's specialized nurse came in. We discussed the aftercare drugs and my feelings on it in great detail. They looked at the dosage prescription for the chemo which was surprisingly lighter than they thought. Instead of having two drugs for after chemo drugs, I will have four drugs staged to minimize nausea and brain fog. Later I found out that instead of paying about $12 every three weeks, I will be paying $70+ because one drug is not standard and my insurance company will not cut me a break on pricing.
I must must must remember I am being treated in the No. 4 ranking facility in the U.S. and that my surgeon is the best in the department. I must must must also remember that I am in a better place than last time. My new scar has healed nicely and looks fabulous. Hell, I look fabulous thanks to more weight loss and my determination to look extraordinarily normal and beautiful. I will experience some hair loss, but not a total one like last year which is a plus if you're trying to retain your own beauty during chemo.
There was one unexpected news... Tab has gotten engaged and is getting married today. After I told him off in December to stop our association even as friends/acquaintances, his now wife has managed to be employed in my company in the same building starting while I was out on medical leave. Of course, being the Class A Jerk he is, he also managed to instant message me last Monday to "say hello". He didn't know I already knew of this new development prior to my first day back to work so I made sure to make a preemptive strike and ask him how she enjoyed her new employment and commented on her engagement ring I saw earlier in the day. His response was dead silence for several moments until he recovered and prattled on and on regarding his new wonderful life. I wasn't so accommodating. He soon lost interest and was tired of getting insulted. (For some reason, he keeps coming back for conversation when he thinks my temper has cooled off. He banks on my forgiving nature.) Two great things came out of this: 1) I feel nothing when I see his fiance/wife and 2) I felt more of nothing when he contacted me. Hooray for Sprinkles!
Quilting...yes, I have taken it on. Since I cannot practice my other womanly arts (wink), I might as well take on a more leisurely one. Last weekend, I took a road trip with Kimmee and Quilting Cathy to shop four quilt shops where fabric was a calming drug. I am halfway through my first one. That one is being named "Manila Sunrise". A pic will be posted when it is completed.
It is near noon... I should make a nice lunch and work my plans for preparing for chemo, minimizing side-effects from chemo and getting through it. My surgeon wants to do 6 cycle sets which should have completion in August. My support system of family and friends keeps me going when I start to have doubts. I am often reminded that I am important to many people.
It is essential for you to know that I am doing great; I just have to dig deeper in my faith to keep my smiles. Luckily, the well is Infinitely Deep and will not ever run out as long as I never, never, never give up. Think Churchill.
Love and Blessings,
Sarah Sprinkles
xxoo
Friday, April 01, 2011
Dianne's Delivery
Today I ventured into the world by myself. I went shopping for a spell at one store. After over an hour, my wound area became a little achy. Perhaps I should have worn my band around it like I do when I go to sleep. When I started to feel tired, I went home to prepare for Dianne's (aka Possum) visit.
How do you react when you receive a gift like this?
Dianne may have delivered it, but it was actually from her Filipino co-worker Mario. He is such a nut and thought these things would go well together and be a funny gift. I had no choice but to laugh hard. This is what happens when you get two crazy friends into an Asian market. Laughter is the best medicine I am telling you!
On the other hand, Dianne also brought me two hand fans, sesame cookies and these cute solar-powered Lucky Cats from her. (I mistakenly always call these Happy Cats.) Their heads bob from side to side thanks to the solar panel. These are the only cats I love. I can't wait to bring them to work so I can smile every time I look at them.
We made our way to a local restaurant after I opened all my gifts and had a great time catching up and laughing. Her visit was a great cheer-me-up. I had been feeling a little down after my shopping earlier when my body was reminding me that I am still healing from a big surgery. It is the stuff that can mess with your spirit and mind. Luckily, my new cats set me on the right path.
Hugs,
Sprinkles
xo
How do you react when you receive a gift like this?
Dianne may have delivered it, but it was actually from her Filipino co-worker Mario. He is such a nut and thought these things would go well together and be a funny gift. I had no choice but to laugh hard. This is what happens when you get two crazy friends into an Asian market. Laughter is the best medicine I am telling you!
On the other hand, Dianne also brought me two hand fans, sesame cookies and these cute solar-powered Lucky Cats from her. (I mistakenly always call these Happy Cats.) Their heads bob from side to side thanks to the solar panel. These are the only cats I love. I can't wait to bring them to work so I can smile every time I look at them.
We made our way to a local restaurant after I opened all my gifts and had a great time catching up and laughing. Her visit was a great cheer-me-up. I had been feeling a little down after my shopping earlier when my body was reminding me that I am still healing from a big surgery. It is the stuff that can mess with your spirit and mind. Luckily, my new cats set me on the right path.
Hugs,
Sprinkles
xo
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Vitamins Make Me
Roaming through the Photo Gallery on my phone unearthed some photos I have been meaning to share. Actually, my new brand of vitamins still have me wide-awake. I have already played on facebook and will have posted three items in my bloggie today after publishing these pics...
I learned how to make rainbow cupcakes and now I love doing them in different colors not just these tie-dye colors seen here. All you have to do is separate the cupcake batter into four disposable plastic cups or small bowls then mix enough food gel color to saturate each cup or bowl with a different color and mixing well. Take a spoonful of one color and fill each cupcake liner that you've already placed in the cupcake pan. Continue filling each liner with one color at a time but no more than 2/3 up the liner. It needs room to puff up. Bake as directed, cool cupcakes, frost/decorate and voila!
Can you believe this was in my pre-op folder? I wish this would have been included in my first surgery packet. It would have made things a lot easier. Like I always say, "Fiber Makes You Sexy".
When I was handed this quilt over dinner a week before my surgery, I was so overwhelmed that I started to cry. This is a big beautiful quilt -- twin size! Look at all the work my friends Kimmee and Cathy put into this. Each scrap was sewn; the fabric theme was Asian. The backing is that light teal you see on the edge. Each square in this quilt is a teal fabric center for Ovarian Cancer. I slept with this in the hospital and will continue to have it during chemo.
Some people have wedding favors or giveaways, I had "surgery favors". If you visited me in the hospital, you would have received a bag of chocolates and a cute-size bottled water I relabeled for the occasion. I also made chocolate cupcakes but I forgot to take pics of those.
There you have it for the pics. As for other stuff today, my shrinky dink was delighted to see me and remarked on how well I looked. She wasn't alarmed when I told her about going back to work on Monday. I basically gave her an update since I last saw her two days before my surgery and I expressed my plan of attack for work and for chemo involving new vitamins, etc.
I was supposed to go out more today, but the Tampa area had a lot of tornado warnings. The deluge washed away any notions of driving around town. Even HSN (Home Shopping Network) which is filmed in St. Petersburg was experiencing flickering power during their Martha Stewart Craft segment. Our portion of Florida was wetter than wet!
Kisses,
Sprinkles
PS It is a bit past midnight and I am still wide-awake. These new vitamins are either weird or amazing! What do you think?
I learned how to make rainbow cupcakes and now I love doing them in different colors not just these tie-dye colors seen here. All you have to do is separate the cupcake batter into four disposable plastic cups or small bowls then mix enough food gel color to saturate each cup or bowl with a different color and mixing well. Take a spoonful of one color and fill each cupcake liner that you've already placed in the cupcake pan. Continue filling each liner with one color at a time but no more than 2/3 up the liner. It needs room to puff up. Bake as directed, cool cupcakes, frost/decorate and voila!
Can you believe this was in my pre-op folder? I wish this would have been included in my first surgery packet. It would have made things a lot easier. Like I always say, "Fiber Makes You Sexy".
When I was handed this quilt over dinner a week before my surgery, I was so overwhelmed that I started to cry. This is a big beautiful quilt -- twin size! Look at all the work my friends Kimmee and Cathy put into this. Each scrap was sewn; the fabric theme was Asian. The backing is that light teal you see on the edge. Each square in this quilt is a teal fabric center for Ovarian Cancer. I slept with this in the hospital and will continue to have it during chemo.
Some people have wedding favors or giveaways, I had "surgery favors". If you visited me in the hospital, you would have received a bag of chocolates and a cute-size bottled water I relabeled for the occasion. I also made chocolate cupcakes but I forgot to take pics of those.
There you have it for the pics. As for other stuff today, my shrinky dink was delighted to see me and remarked on how well I looked. She wasn't alarmed when I told her about going back to work on Monday. I basically gave her an update since I last saw her two days before my surgery and I expressed my plan of attack for work and for chemo involving new vitamins, etc.
I was supposed to go out more today, but the Tampa area had a lot of tornado warnings. The deluge washed away any notions of driving around town. Even HSN (Home Shopping Network) which is filmed in St. Petersburg was experiencing flickering power during their Martha Stewart Craft segment. Our portion of Florida was wetter than wet!
Kisses,
Sprinkles
PS It is a bit past midnight and I am still wide-awake. These new vitamins are either weird or amazing! What do you think?
Sunday, March 27, 2011
My Chauffeur
It all started with the question of a hat and this is what I opened the door to this afternoon:
This was Mark, my dear friend Sandy's husband, who picked me up at my aunt's house to take us to another great friends' home for a belated St. Patrick's Day feast. Sandy had asked him if he had a hat that he could wear to pick me up and before she knew it, he had delved deep into his bag of tricks to find a complete ensemble of the bowler hat, the strange glasses, the crazy teeth and the tux with button red lips on the collar. You should have seen the looks on my aunt and uncle's faces when I introduced him. It was a total scream!
I am always humbled by people's extra efforts. This is one pick-up I will likely not forget for a long time. The best part of this for me was the bowler hat...of course!
Winks,
Sarah
This was Mark, my dear friend Sandy's husband, who picked me up at my aunt's house to take us to another great friends' home for a belated St. Patrick's Day feast. Sandy had asked him if he had a hat that he could wear to pick me up and before she knew it, he had delved deep into his bag of tricks to find a complete ensemble of the bowler hat, the strange glasses, the crazy teeth and the tux with button red lips on the collar. You should have seen the looks on my aunt and uncle's faces when I introduced him. It was a total scream!
I am always humbled by people's extra efforts. This is one pick-up I will likely not forget for a long time. The best part of this for me was the bowler hat...of course!
Winks,
Sarah
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Grating Coconut
You guys know how much I adore my Aunt Maria. During my recovery at her home, I got to reconnect with her like we have not in a very long time...
On this day, I bellied up to the granite bar surrounding a part of her newly remodeled kitchen. She was in the middle of preparing Filipino food for a Filipina friend. I decided to search youtube for videos containing songs in her native dialect WarayWaray. After that I found songs in the main dialect Tagalog and in particular one of her favorite singers from back in the day Pilita Corales. I forgot what torch song was playing but the vignette of watching my aunt hunkering down grating coconut between her legs using this old school device in her granite and stainless steel kitchen was more than I could handle. You just can't take the Farmer Girl out of her!
There is a funny video with me narrating and laughing but I am not allowed to post it. All I have for you is a snapshot of my aunt sans the grater to show a portion of her new kitchen. If you watch the hyperlink on the device, you will see a similar one she was using.
Can you believe she just turned 66 years old? May God bless me with her aging genes!
Smiles,
Sarah
On this day, I bellied up to the granite bar surrounding a part of her newly remodeled kitchen. She was in the middle of preparing Filipino food for a Filipina friend. I decided to search youtube for videos containing songs in her native dialect WarayWaray. After that I found songs in the main dialect Tagalog and in particular one of her favorite singers from back in the day Pilita Corales. I forgot what torch song was playing but the vignette of watching my aunt hunkering down grating coconut between her legs using this old school device in her granite and stainless steel kitchen was more than I could handle. You just can't take the Farmer Girl out of her!
There is a funny video with me narrating and laughing but I am not allowed to post it. All I have for you is a snapshot of my aunt sans the grater to show a portion of her new kitchen. If you watch the hyperlink on the device, you will see a similar one she was using.
Can you believe she just turned 66 years old? May God bless me with her aging genes!
Smiles,
Sarah
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Staple Pulling Contest
What a difference a day makes! Yesterday, I was ready to tear pillows apart and today I am elated from visiting the cancer center where more people than I dare admit recognized me and said hello. It is kind of creepy when a volunteer greets you at the reception desk by your first name before you have even uttered a word. This part of the center sees about 100 patients a day!
The staple pulling contest was painless compared to last year's experience and barely lasted 15 minutes. A very skilled nurse practitioner who took the staples out also briefed me again on my surgery and she informed me that I had five hernia sacs extracted along with the mini tumors. WTF? She cautioned me against lifting heavy items for 4-6 months. I asked her about working out and she said that I should avoid abdominal exercises for the same amount of time. Believe me -- I felt fear so I will not do anything to undo or cause any new hernias for 4-6 months!
My surgeon gave me the okay to return to work on April 4th. Yes, I know it is rather quick. I pushed for the date and he said sometimes you have to agree with the patient. He remarked at how well I looked and I told him there was not "ooze" coming out of my wounds which made him laugh. I am not insensitive to the fact that I have to take things very easy. I have another appointment with him on the 13th to discuss my chemotherapy treatment more in depth.
This is what I know: my time during the infusion will be less. I will have Carboplatin again on Day 1 along with a drug called Gemzar. On Day 8, I will have Gemzar again. After asking him, he said I could conceivably work during those days if I worked from home and I wouldn't need an escort after the first day. Hooray!
AND...the hair loss question. My surgeon was Mr. Hedgehog when posed the question of hair loss. His hedging led to us laughing. It would seem that I would experience hair loss but not a total one. Since I have enough hair for three people (as verified by my two previous Korean hairdressers) I am hoping that my hair will just thin out and still look nice or I can wear scarves some days. Okay -- wearing a scarf without hair looks like you don't have hair; however, wearing scarves when you have some hair poking out looks stylish. Trust me because I never wore any of my scarves out last year!
I will also be making my way back to my apartment next Monday much to my aunt's dismay. She thinks it is too soon. I really need to get back to my own place and get back into the swing of things and figure out how to modify my penchant for lifting heavy things. My handbag and computer bag all have to be lightened. If you recall, I moved my living furniture around during chemo last year. That was probably one of the causes of the hernia sacs. There will be no hernia sacs this time around.
My aunt and uncle were hungry from leaving the house early without breakfast so I treated them to a late breakfast. Truth be told, I was the most vocal about being hungry, but by the time the food was placed in front of me, I was not hungry. Not sure why. I ate a third of my meal. A quick trip to an Asian grocery store was soon after before going back to my auntie's.
That's the State of the Sprinkles Union. I hope you're pleased as I am!
Hugs,
Sprinkles
x0
The staple pulling contest was painless compared to last year's experience and barely lasted 15 minutes. A very skilled nurse practitioner who took the staples out also briefed me again on my surgery and she informed me that I had five hernia sacs extracted along with the mini tumors. WTF? She cautioned me against lifting heavy items for 4-6 months. I asked her about working out and she said that I should avoid abdominal exercises for the same amount of time. Believe me -- I felt fear so I will not do anything to undo or cause any new hernias for 4-6 months!
My surgeon gave me the okay to return to work on April 4th. Yes, I know it is rather quick. I pushed for the date and he said sometimes you have to agree with the patient. He remarked at how well I looked and I told him there was not "ooze" coming out of my wounds which made him laugh. I am not insensitive to the fact that I have to take things very easy. I have another appointment with him on the 13th to discuss my chemotherapy treatment more in depth.
This is what I know: my time during the infusion will be less. I will have Carboplatin again on Day 1 along with a drug called Gemzar. On Day 8, I will have Gemzar again. After asking him, he said I could conceivably work during those days if I worked from home and I wouldn't need an escort after the first day. Hooray!
AND...the hair loss question. My surgeon was Mr. Hedgehog when posed the question of hair loss. His hedging led to us laughing. It would seem that I would experience hair loss but not a total one. Since I have enough hair for three people (as verified by my two previous Korean hairdressers) I am hoping that my hair will just thin out and still look nice or I can wear scarves some days. Okay -- wearing a scarf without hair looks like you don't have hair; however, wearing scarves when you have some hair poking out looks stylish. Trust me because I never wore any of my scarves out last year!
I will also be making my way back to my apartment next Monday much to my aunt's dismay. She thinks it is too soon. I really need to get back to my own place and get back into the swing of things and figure out how to modify my penchant for lifting heavy things. My handbag and computer bag all have to be lightened. If you recall, I moved my living furniture around during chemo last year. That was probably one of the causes of the hernia sacs. There will be no hernia sacs this time around.
My aunt and uncle were hungry from leaving the house early without breakfast so I treated them to a late breakfast. Truth be told, I was the most vocal about being hungry, but by the time the food was placed in front of me, I was not hungry. Not sure why. I ate a third of my meal. A quick trip to an Asian grocery store was soon after before going back to my auntie's.
That's the State of the Sprinkles Union. I hope you're pleased as I am!
Hugs,
Sprinkles
x0
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Bored Out of My Gourd
My plans today were canceled by my galpal which has sent my cabin fever into overdrive. Am I supposed to go out shopping and have lunch with over 100 staples still on my abdomen? I really don't care. I am recovering at my aunt's and have been been able to shower without help and do one load of laundry without help. The reliance on my walker is less and less so I can go out for a spell.
I just don't have time for cancer related activities!!!! There I have said it.
My goals are being pre-empted with all this cancer crap. Tomorrow morning I get to have all the staples extracted. I may even hear of which treatment plan my surgeon has for me. :::now with heavy sarcasm::: Let's get excited about chemo -- ooohhh! I will get excited later but not right at this very moment. Right now I am annoyed.
You know what I've found out? That full cable television is boring and is filled with mind-numbing junk. Ugh. Thank God I don't waste my money on this stuff. At my aunt's house, I have no choice but to surf 400 channels of brain-goo inducing programming.
If you haven't noticed, I am bored and I feel trapped. Maybe it is a good thing that Tawny still has my car because I would drive it right now against doctor's orders with this song blasting all the way up to the stratosphere: Sprinkle's Theme Today.
I just don't have time for cancer related activities!!!! There I have said it.
My goals are being pre-empted with all this cancer crap. Tomorrow morning I get to have all the staples extracted. I may even hear of which treatment plan my surgeon has for me. :::now with heavy sarcasm::: Let's get excited about chemo -- ooohhh! I will get excited later but not right at this very moment. Right now I am annoyed.
You know what I've found out? That full cable television is boring and is filled with mind-numbing junk. Ugh. Thank God I don't waste my money on this stuff. At my aunt's house, I have no choice but to surf 400 channels of brain-goo inducing programming.
If you haven't noticed, I am bored and I feel trapped. Maybe it is a good thing that Tawny still has my car because I would drive it right now against doctor's orders with this song blasting all the way up to the stratosphere: Sprinkle's Theme Today.
Monday, March 07, 2011
Lucky Mark
On Saturday morning, I was receiving a pedicure from Mary at the nail salon, when she said something in Vietnamese and then restated it in English about me being lucky because of the mole she'd never noticed before on the bottom of my left foot. It is? Cool. I feel lucky...
The words you have not read from me lately have been caged by time, not having enough of it. Work has enslaved me not to mention my social butterfly ways, my new hobby of quilting that I am learning from Kimmee and friend Cathy, my 5am killer workouts at the gym monitored by my awesome Jamaican-6% bodyfat-60ish male coach and by my deja-cancer surgery. Okay, the last part is in a few days.
The question "Are you fucking kidding me?" was something I repeated over and over last month in my surgeon's office. No, he wasn't. The rise in my protein test (CA-125) alarmed my doctor and had him ordering a CT scan of my abdominal area. That revealed an inflammation of two lymph nodes that were not there before. That was followed by a biopsy taken through my back with long needles.
Can you imagine Sprinkles recently napalmed (chemo) body being suddenly invaded by small tumors in her periaortic lymph node and the left lymph node side of her groin seven months later? Me neither! The good news was chemo, but the bad news was another surgery because of having to take another set of weeks off from work. I won't know if I am to lose my hair again. Testing of the tumors will determine that course of chemo. The hospital stay will be 4-6 days and I will continue recovering at my aunt's home for a week or two.
If you're feeling sad, please don't. I cannot wallow in self-pity because I am not a victim or live life with a victim mentality. God doesn't promise you will not go through fire, but he promises you peace if you will accept it as you walk through it. I have that peace and it feels so incredible. No, I am not impervious to the news, but I have accepted it.
What I first thought of as a set-back because of the physical strides I've made will be a set-UP instead. The hard work at the gym will make my recovery that much more bearable and quicker. My gym coach and I have a workout date as soon as I can manage it after the first or second chemo. These treatments will probably commence three weeks after my surgery. I will rise from weakness. There is no choice.
Meanwhile, I will be wrapping things up at work before they disable my access to the network. In a few minutes, my special "Team Sprinkles" surgery day labels will be wrapped around short 8-oz water bottles I am giving out while I am in the hospital to go with my special "Team Sprinkles" candy favor giveaways. Some people have wedding favors, I have surgery favors. That's how Sprinkles does it. I turn everything into some fun marketing opportunity. There will also be a tray of sinful chocolate cupcakes for my peeps to nosh on while I am in surgery and recovery. It can be breakfast food. (grinning widely)
Almost forgot...today I received good news about my thyroid. I spent the middle of the day giving vials of blood, having an ultrasound and meeting with my throat doc. The nodules are stable and I will see a different doctor in 6 months for monitoring purposes. Yeah, baby!
If you remember, please send me happy thoughts on Thursday morning. I have to check in at 5:15am and surgery is scheduled around 7:15am. Early bird day for several of us.
Love and Luck,
Sarah
The words you have not read from me lately have been caged by time, not having enough of it. Work has enslaved me not to mention my social butterfly ways, my new hobby of quilting that I am learning from Kimmee and friend Cathy, my 5am killer workouts at the gym monitored by my awesome Jamaican-6% bodyfat-60ish male coach and by my deja-cancer surgery. Okay, the last part is in a few days.
The question "Are you fucking kidding me?" was something I repeated over and over last month in my surgeon's office. No, he wasn't. The rise in my protein test (CA-125) alarmed my doctor and had him ordering a CT scan of my abdominal area. That revealed an inflammation of two lymph nodes that were not there before. That was followed by a biopsy taken through my back with long needles.
Can you imagine Sprinkles recently napalmed (chemo) body being suddenly invaded by small tumors in her periaortic lymph node and the left lymph node side of her groin seven months later? Me neither! The good news was chemo, but the bad news was another surgery because of having to take another set of weeks off from work. I won't know if I am to lose my hair again. Testing of the tumors will determine that course of chemo. The hospital stay will be 4-6 days and I will continue recovering at my aunt's home for a week or two.
If you're feeling sad, please don't. I cannot wallow in self-pity because I am not a victim or live life with a victim mentality. God doesn't promise you will not go through fire, but he promises you peace if you will accept it as you walk through it. I have that peace and it feels so incredible. No, I am not impervious to the news, but I have accepted it.
What I first thought of as a set-back because of the physical strides I've made will be a set-UP instead. The hard work at the gym will make my recovery that much more bearable and quicker. My gym coach and I have a workout date as soon as I can manage it after the first or second chemo. These treatments will probably commence three weeks after my surgery. I will rise from weakness. There is no choice.
Meanwhile, I will be wrapping things up at work before they disable my access to the network. In a few minutes, my special "Team Sprinkles" surgery day labels will be wrapped around short 8-oz water bottles I am giving out while I am in the hospital to go with my special "Team Sprinkles" candy favor giveaways. Some people have wedding favors, I have surgery favors. That's how Sprinkles does it. I turn everything into some fun marketing opportunity. There will also be a tray of sinful chocolate cupcakes for my peeps to nosh on while I am in surgery and recovery. It can be breakfast food. (grinning widely)
Almost forgot...today I received good news about my thyroid. I spent the middle of the day giving vials of blood, having an ultrasound and meeting with my throat doc. The nodules are stable and I will see a different doctor in 6 months for monitoring purposes. Yeah, baby!
If you remember, please send me happy thoughts on Thursday morning. I have to check in at 5:15am and surgery is scheduled around 7:15am. Early bird day for several of us.
Love and Luck,
Sarah
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
Wig
Perhaps it was a decision I made ahead of time. The "feeling of okay", I mean. Okay about my current state of hair. When I told my boss I had more hair than he this afternoon, he jokingly mentioned taking my wig off. I did.
The impulse that grabbed me didn't leave fingerprints. It was as if some invisible power had been waiting patiently for the opportunity of unveiling. My boss was shocked and so was Bridget. I called Michelle over the cube farm to come and see. She squealed happily when she saw me and immediately told me how cute I looked. Michelle even said I could pull off the short hair because I had my glamor make-up on. It made me feel good.
When the awe of surprise that had taken us all subsided, I put my wig back on. Embarrassment had nothing to do with it. They understood how I felt about having short hair and not being able to curl it yet with a styling iron. I looked like a completely different person with the wig off. And that's just it. I want to look like the me I know as much as I can until I can no longer hide the evidence of my recent journey. I will be forced to look like a different version of me again soon enough. By February 2011, I suspect I will lose the wig permanently and have the fourth incarnation of a look since January of this year.
Today's lesson: Sprinkles was extra brave.
xxoo
The impulse that grabbed me didn't leave fingerprints. It was as if some invisible power had been waiting patiently for the opportunity of unveiling. My boss was shocked and so was Bridget. I called Michelle over the cube farm to come and see. She squealed happily when she saw me and immediately told me how cute I looked. Michelle even said I could pull off the short hair because I had my glamor make-up on. It made me feel good.
When the awe of surprise that had taken us all subsided, I put my wig back on. Embarrassment had nothing to do with it. They understood how I felt about having short hair and not being able to curl it yet with a styling iron. I looked like a completely different person with the wig off. And that's just it. I want to look like the me I know as much as I can until I can no longer hide the evidence of my recent journey. I will be forced to look like a different version of me again soon enough. By February 2011, I suspect I will lose the wig permanently and have the fourth incarnation of a look since January of this year.
Today's lesson: Sprinkles was extra brave.
xxoo
Sunday, October 03, 2010
Giving Birth to Myself
I feel like I have given birth to myself. With a dark cap of hair and a blank slate to create my life, it should be more of a momentous occasion. No angels' trumpets heralded my arrival. There were no cigars handed out or a shower given. The realization came to me last weekend after my dad and stepmother left me after a short visit...
The wig is still in place until my hair grows long enough to make wearing it very uncomfortable. Combing magazines and surfing the Internet for a sexy yet edgy hairstyle have not yielded the choices I thought would be open to me. Mia Farrow or Jamie Lee Curtis I am not; I have a round face rather than a gamine one.
My body isn't the shape I want, but it is still healing. I didn't know it would take so long. Actually, I was told it would take long. I just refused to believe it. The one thing that makes me smile is I am able to bend down in half without any discomfort. That is a mini victory!
The vows to meet more people and do more different activities are being lived very well. Since I last posted, I attended an ovarian cancer awareness activity. September was Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month. I took the first Friday off and to help tie teal ribbons around park trees in downtown Tampa and to pass out 'symptom' cards to passersby. This activity also had me reconnecting with an old friend from eight years ago.
A young woman I thought I recognized had walked by me in the park during lunchtime. I said to myself that if she walked through the park again, I would talk to her. She did and it was indeed who I thought it was -- LisaK! It turned out that she thought she recognized me but knew that the Sarah she knew would never cut her hair to her shoulders. (See!) Long story short, we've reconnected in the last month and we are continuing to build our friendship again. Yay!
My weeknights have been spent out having dinner with friends and new groups of friends. I even went to a baseball game a vendor from work invited my team to last Wednesday. We received VIP treatment which was fun. The weekends for the month have been half busy unlike October which has all the weekends booked. It sounds pretentious but it is true. You tell the Universe your desires and it might just answer you.
The most important part of last month was my dad and stepmother's visit. To say I was apprehensive about seeing them again was a colossal understatement. They had also decided to make me their first visit on their tour instead of last which pushed up the dates to the end of September. It was a week's notice. Ugh. I had managed to avoid them for six years. Yes, six. Their presence reminds me of my (perceived) failures as a female -- no children and no husband. Out of six children between the two of them, I am the only one who has not been married and procreated.
Luckily for me, I had my shrinky dink appointment just hours before my parents descended upon me. The therapist reminded me that I have a connection with my stepmother that the other girls will not have -- cancer. She was right. We discussed our own journeys during their two-day visit. They arrived in time for lunch which I cooked. I also served a birthday cake I bought for my stepmom. It was to make-up for forgetting her birthday earlier in the month. She loved it. They checked in to their hotel later in the afternoon and came back so I could drive us to a legendary Spanish restaurant downtown for a very nice dinner.
I planned their second day visit with me. We went to a special art exhibit and a couple more art galleries by the beach. The late afternoon was spent meandering around Ikea followed by a casual dinner downtown. I would be lying if I said I had not enjoyed myself. On the whole, the reunion was great and liberating. It was a strong punctuation to the events of the last nine months.
Two of my sisters who live a couple of hours away had started an e-mail/facebook message campaign a week before my dad and stepmom came to visit. To this day, I have not answered them. You don't get to come in at the end and all of sudden remember I exist. Where the hell were you the last nine months?! My parents know how I feel about their recent attention that I am sure was motivated by their visit. I have since received another facebook message with a heartfelt apology on their deplorable behavior. A response may come from me. Not today. I have a forgiving and loving heart, but this is difficult. My silence is a reflection of the silence they have shown me. Even nice people have limits.
Before I forget, please say a prayer for Tawny and her family. Her mom is not doing well and is expected to cross over soon. Tawny, her sister and her niece are in Iowa right now for an emergency visit. This has been very hard on her and I just keep sending her my love through texts. Every little bit of love and prayer sent her way helps.
One of the things that has kept me cheery is spending time with my cousin's young children. They remind me of how cool childhood can be. I had made a shopping offer last weekend to 11-year old Kristen. To test her I told her she needed to call me the following Thursday to let me know if she could go. She did via her mother who confirmed our plans. Kristen spent the night on Friday and we toiled on Saturday shopping, lunching, watching a new movie and more shopping. This time she was not limited to minutes trying on clothes. It is a luxury when two younger brothers are around. The focus was solely on her this time. Later her parents and younger brothers stopped for the pizzas I had ordered for dinner on their way to pick her up. We scarfed down pizzas and some ice cream for dessert before they left.
I have been recovering today from a two-week nonstop whirlwind of activity. A blog update was also in order to let certain folks know I am still alive and doing well. I expect more spectacular adventures coming my way. Let's enjoy them together.
Love,
Sarah xo
PS We need to bring some comedy back to my posts, too. I have had some comedy since my last post. It just doesn't seem appropriate today for some reason.
The wig is still in place until my hair grows long enough to make wearing it very uncomfortable. Combing magazines and surfing the Internet for a sexy yet edgy hairstyle have not yielded the choices I thought would be open to me. Mia Farrow or Jamie Lee Curtis I am not; I have a round face rather than a gamine one.
My body isn't the shape I want, but it is still healing. I didn't know it would take so long. Actually, I was told it would take long. I just refused to believe it. The one thing that makes me smile is I am able to bend down in half without any discomfort. That is a mini victory!
The vows to meet more people and do more different activities are being lived very well. Since I last posted, I attended an ovarian cancer awareness activity. September was Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month. I took the first Friday off and to help tie teal ribbons around park trees in downtown Tampa and to pass out 'symptom' cards to passersby. This activity also had me reconnecting with an old friend from eight years ago.
A young woman I thought I recognized had walked by me in the park during lunchtime. I said to myself that if she walked through the park again, I would talk to her. She did and it was indeed who I thought it was -- LisaK! It turned out that she thought she recognized me but knew that the Sarah she knew would never cut her hair to her shoulders. (See!) Long story short, we've reconnected in the last month and we are continuing to build our friendship again. Yay!
My weeknights have been spent out having dinner with friends and new groups of friends. I even went to a baseball game a vendor from work invited my team to last Wednesday. We received VIP treatment which was fun. The weekends for the month have been half busy unlike October which has all the weekends booked. It sounds pretentious but it is true. You tell the Universe your desires and it might just answer you.
The most important part of last month was my dad and stepmother's visit. To say I was apprehensive about seeing them again was a colossal understatement. They had also decided to make me their first visit on their tour instead of last which pushed up the dates to the end of September. It was a week's notice. Ugh. I had managed to avoid them for six years. Yes, six. Their presence reminds me of my (perceived) failures as a female -- no children and no husband. Out of six children between the two of them, I am the only one who has not been married and procreated.
Luckily for me, I had my shrinky dink appointment just hours before my parents descended upon me. The therapist reminded me that I have a connection with my stepmother that the other girls will not have -- cancer. She was right. We discussed our own journeys during their two-day visit. They arrived in time for lunch which I cooked. I also served a birthday cake I bought for my stepmom. It was to make-up for forgetting her birthday earlier in the month. She loved it. They checked in to their hotel later in the afternoon and came back so I could drive us to a legendary Spanish restaurant downtown for a very nice dinner.
I planned their second day visit with me. We went to a special art exhibit and a couple more art galleries by the beach. The late afternoon was spent meandering around Ikea followed by a casual dinner downtown. I would be lying if I said I had not enjoyed myself. On the whole, the reunion was great and liberating. It was a strong punctuation to the events of the last nine months.
Two of my sisters who live a couple of hours away had started an e-mail/facebook message campaign a week before my dad and stepmom came to visit. To this day, I have not answered them. You don't get to come in at the end and all of sudden remember I exist. Where the hell were you the last nine months?! My parents know how I feel about their recent attention that I am sure was motivated by their visit. I have since received another facebook message with a heartfelt apology on their deplorable behavior. A response may come from me. Not today. I have a forgiving and loving heart, but this is difficult. My silence is a reflection of the silence they have shown me. Even nice people have limits.
Before I forget, please say a prayer for Tawny and her family. Her mom is not doing well and is expected to cross over soon. Tawny, her sister and her niece are in Iowa right now for an emergency visit. This has been very hard on her and I just keep sending her my love through texts. Every little bit of love and prayer sent her way helps.
One of the things that has kept me cheery is spending time with my cousin's young children. They remind me of how cool childhood can be. I had made a shopping offer last weekend to 11-year old Kristen. To test her I told her she needed to call me the following Thursday to let me know if she could go. She did via her mother who confirmed our plans. Kristen spent the night on Friday and we toiled on Saturday shopping, lunching, watching a new movie and more shopping. This time she was not limited to minutes trying on clothes. It is a luxury when two younger brothers are around. The focus was solely on her this time. Later her parents and younger brothers stopped for the pizzas I had ordered for dinner on their way to pick her up. We scarfed down pizzas and some ice cream for dessert before they left.
I have been recovering today from a two-week nonstop whirlwind of activity. A blog update was also in order to let certain folks know I am still alive and doing well. I expect more spectacular adventures coming my way. Let's enjoy them together.
Love,
Sarah xo
PS We need to bring some comedy back to my posts, too. I have had some comedy since my last post. It just doesn't seem appropriate today for some reason.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Saturday Samba
For two weeks now I have had this tune, Samba Da Bencao in my head thanks to the movie "Eat Pray Love". This song is first played when the actor Javier Bardem is seen in the movie. While the scene was memorable, the song itself holds more than its own.
Last weekend while in Jacksonville visiting Kathy, we tried to look for this soundtrack and gave up after five stores turned up with zero copies. I was desperate to have it for my three-hour ride home.
(By the way, the movie is not for everyone. It is definitely a chick flick, if you will. I've seen it twice - once with Dianne and her husband at the local preview two weeks ago and the second time with Kathy last weekend. The movie is two hours of brain candy.)
Back to the song...I was able to buy this earlier today and have had it looping in my car over and over again as I drive around town. It is incredibly soothing. The feeling it evokes matches the mellow mood I've been in. Yes, that means my period of adjustment is going better. I no longer feel as anxious with my change in schedule.
At work, my group has moved from the 8th floor down to the 7th floor. My boss remarked on how relaxed I've been with the new seating change. I wouldn't attribute my change of attitude just to that. Cancer has given me a new perspective on life to where a multitude of things that would have made me crazy last year no longer bother me. The feeling is rather freeing. Very zen-like.
I am realizing that I cannot move forward while driving my life at 100 miles per hour. The whole thing is a process that takes (ugh) time! Healing is about time. My body shows me everyday how much I am healing for the better. I feel so alive -- more alive than I have been in a very long time. I am humbled at each new discovery.
My hair is growing back fast with my eyebrows and eyelashes almost all in. The hair on my head will take more time but I can rub my head and feel my hair and not skin. Hooray!
The emotional healing is part of the process, too. I know I have to do the work to move forward. It is difficult as you know since the emotional part of you is something you have conscious control over. All I can say is that I am doing okay at it...
My calendar has managed to be filled with various activities where I get to both meet new people and reconnect with friends I haven't had a chance to spend time with since before my surgery and chemo treatments.
I got home late tonight from my friend Sandy and Mark's home. I spent a lively evening with their family and a set of friends eating a tasty dinner and sharing stories. November may find me camping with Sandy and her family by a river which I am looking forward to doing. If you know me, you know that my past idea of camping was usually a hotel without a pool. This is part of me saying yes to more opportunities.
Samba Da Bencao (Samba Of The Blessing) by Sergio Mendes
(Baden Powell, Vinicius de Moraes)
E melhor ser alegre que ser triste
Alegria e a melhor coisa que existe
E assim como a luz no coracao
Mas pra fazer um samba com beleza
E preciso um bocado de tristeza
Senao nao se faz um samba nao
Fazer samba nao e contar piada
E quem faz samba assim nao e de nada
O bom samba e uma forma de oracao
Porque o samba e a tristeza que balanca
E a tristeza tem sempre uma esperanca
De um dia nao ser mais triste nao
Poe um pouco de amor numa cadencia
E vai ver que ninguem no mundo vence
A beleza que tem um samba nao
Porque o samba nasceu la na Bahia
E se hoje ele e branco na poesia
Ele e **** demais no coracao
[Translation:]
Samba Of The Blessing
It's better to be happy than sad
Happiness is the best thing there is
It is like a light in the heart
But to make a samba with beauty
It's needed a bit of sadness
If not the samba can't be made
To make a samba is not like telling a joke
And who makes samba like this is worth nothing
The good samba is a kind of prayer
Because samba is the sadness that sways
And sadness is always hopeful
Of one day not being sad any more
Put a little love in the cadence
And you'll see that in this world nobody wins
The beauty that a samba have
Because samba was born in Bahia
And if today it is white in it's poetry
It is very black in it's heart.
Swaying to this Samba,
Sprinkles xo
Last weekend while in Jacksonville visiting Kathy, we tried to look for this soundtrack and gave up after five stores turned up with zero copies. I was desperate to have it for my three-hour ride home.
(By the way, the movie is not for everyone. It is definitely a chick flick, if you will. I've seen it twice - once with Dianne and her husband at the local preview two weeks ago and the second time with Kathy last weekend. The movie is two hours of brain candy.)
Back to the song...I was able to buy this earlier today and have had it looping in my car over and over again as I drive around town. It is incredibly soothing. The feeling it evokes matches the mellow mood I've been in. Yes, that means my period of adjustment is going better. I no longer feel as anxious with my change in schedule.
At work, my group has moved from the 8th floor down to the 7th floor. My boss remarked on how relaxed I've been with the new seating change. I wouldn't attribute my change of attitude just to that. Cancer has given me a new perspective on life to where a multitude of things that would have made me crazy last year no longer bother me. The feeling is rather freeing. Very zen-like.
I am realizing that I cannot move forward while driving my life at 100 miles per hour. The whole thing is a process that takes (ugh) time! Healing is about time. My body shows me everyday how much I am healing for the better. I feel so alive -- more alive than I have been in a very long time. I am humbled at each new discovery.
My hair is growing back fast with my eyebrows and eyelashes almost all in. The hair on my head will take more time but I can rub my head and feel my hair and not skin. Hooray!
The emotional healing is part of the process, too. I know I have to do the work to move forward. It is difficult as you know since the emotional part of you is something you have conscious control over. All I can say is that I am doing okay at it...
My calendar has managed to be filled with various activities where I get to both meet new people and reconnect with friends I haven't had a chance to spend time with since before my surgery and chemo treatments.
I got home late tonight from my friend Sandy and Mark's home. I spent a lively evening with their family and a set of friends eating a tasty dinner and sharing stories. November may find me camping with Sandy and her family by a river which I am looking forward to doing. If you know me, you know that my past idea of camping was usually a hotel without a pool. This is part of me saying yes to more opportunities.
Samba Da Bencao (Samba Of The Blessing) by Sergio Mendes
(Baden Powell, Vinicius de Moraes)
E melhor ser alegre que ser triste
Alegria e a melhor coisa que existe
E assim como a luz no coracao
Mas pra fazer um samba com beleza
E preciso um bocado de tristeza
Senao nao se faz um samba nao
Fazer samba nao e contar piada
E quem faz samba assim nao e de nada
O bom samba e uma forma de oracao
Porque o samba e a tristeza que balanca
E a tristeza tem sempre uma esperanca
De um dia nao ser mais triste nao
Poe um pouco de amor numa cadencia
E vai ver que ninguem no mundo vence
A beleza que tem um samba nao
Porque o samba nasceu la na Bahia
E se hoje ele e branco na poesia
Ele e **** demais no coracao
[Translation:]
Samba Of The Blessing
It's better to be happy than sad
Happiness is the best thing there is
It is like a light in the heart
But to make a samba with beauty
It's needed a bit of sadness
If not the samba can't be made
To make a samba is not like telling a joke
And who makes samba like this is worth nothing
The good samba is a kind of prayer
Because samba is the sadness that sways
And sadness is always hopeful
Of one day not being sad any more
Put a little love in the cadence
And you'll see that in this world nobody wins
The beauty that a samba have
Because samba was born in Bahia
And if today it is white in it's poetry
It is very black in it's heart.
Swaying to this Samba,
Sprinkles xo
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Adjustment
I hate it when my shrinky dink is right. She predicted that I would be going through a period of adjustment now that my schedule is not around my cancer treatment. It's not that there is a giant chasm, it is just different. Ugh.
Different has its own connotations -- one of them being I am on my own again. I don't have that other 50% of a relationship (doctor) to rely upon on a regular basis. The universe hates a void so it fills it. I am busier than ever with all kinds of activities. It is my new mantra to say yes to more things coming my way.
Tomorrow morning I am getting a second opinion on my thyroid at the cancer center. Yes, I know it is benign, but this is for the surgery portion that a doctor outside the center suggested. On Tuesday night, I will be attending another meeting for an Ovarian Cancer support group that meets once a month. I've volunteered for a couple of things just be to active. Thursday night will find me at a dining group for professional women my friend Possum has been a part of for years. I've turned down her invitations in the past. It is a part of me 1) expanding my net of acquaintances and friends or sphere of influence and 2) saying yes to more things. And then -- next weekend I will be in Jacksonville to spend the weekend with galpal Kathy...
I have missed writing terribly. Writing allows me to share what is on my mind with those who care to know. Things have not been easy lately even though I should be singing like Cinderella who just found out she is going to the ball and has all the forest animals sewing her a dress. The news of my remission should make me feel like that now, right? It is humbling and believe me I am ever so grateful. The pressure now is immense at times. I am dealing with it the best way how -- through humor.
Some news...my hair is slowly growing back! It is almost 1/2 of an inch on top. My brows are in, but my eyelashes are only half-way back. Other hairs are coming back, too. LOL
My shrinky dink has suggested ONE thing. For those who know me, it will send you laughing up and down the street. She didn't say in so many words, but I apparently need to be more demure. At odd moments I find myself chanting silently within, "I am practicing being demure" over and over again. It makes me want to tell her off.
Hugs,
Sprinkles xxoo
Different has its own connotations -- one of them being I am on my own again. I don't have that other 50% of a relationship (doctor) to rely upon on a regular basis. The universe hates a void so it fills it. I am busier than ever with all kinds of activities. It is my new mantra to say yes to more things coming my way.
Tomorrow morning I am getting a second opinion on my thyroid at the cancer center. Yes, I know it is benign, but this is for the surgery portion that a doctor outside the center suggested. On Tuesday night, I will be attending another meeting for an Ovarian Cancer support group that meets once a month. I've volunteered for a couple of things just be to active. Thursday night will find me at a dining group for professional women my friend Possum has been a part of for years. I've turned down her invitations in the past. It is a part of me 1) expanding my net of acquaintances and friends or sphere of influence and 2) saying yes to more things. And then -- next weekend I will be in Jacksonville to spend the weekend with galpal Kathy...
I have missed writing terribly. Writing allows me to share what is on my mind with those who care to know. Things have not been easy lately even though I should be singing like Cinderella who just found out she is going to the ball and has all the forest animals sewing her a dress. The news of my remission should make me feel like that now, right? It is humbling and believe me I am ever so grateful. The pressure now is immense at times. I am dealing with it the best way how -- through humor.
Some news...my hair is slowly growing back! It is almost 1/2 of an inch on top. My brows are in, but my eyelashes are only half-way back. Other hairs are coming back, too. LOL
My shrinky dink has suggested ONE thing. For those who know me, it will send you laughing up and down the street. She didn't say in so many words, but I apparently need to be more demure. At odd moments I find myself chanting silently within, "I am practicing being demure" over and over again. It makes me want to tell her off.
Hugs,
Sprinkles xxoo
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Remission
THIS IS THE LETTER MY DOCTOR WILL BE RECEIVING NEXT WEEK ALONG WITH A CARD.
-----------------------------------------
July 21, 2010
Dear Dr. R-----:
This note is from the “groovy girl” who has brought you decadent treats during her last three cycles of chemo…
Today you said that words that have affected me more than anything you’ve said to me in the last six months, “You’re in remission.” I knew that would be the case, but hearing the words from you still stunned me. You’re very lucky I didn’t grab and hug you as was my first instinct. I saved you from awkwardness by reminding myself that you most likely appreciate your patients better under anesthesia. I don’t think it is because you’re afraid to connect with your patients, but because it is easier to deal with the facts of science and lab results rather than the emotional product of your findings and treatment options. The cerebral part takes over because it is what helps cure your patients. This was good because I didn’t need you to coddle me. I needed concrete facts to distance the emotional side as well.
At 39, I never expected to have cancer. Who does, right? I have approached my cancer with a project plan so I could keep the focus on what I needed to do to have minimal side effects and how to manage my energy each day. There was also an edict to my family and friends that I would go through everything with humor. That is where being “chemo sexy” and living the “glamcer (glamorous cancer) life” have come from. Even my chemo sessions were “happy hours” because you gave me “chemo cocktails”. The cute names do not by any means diminish the gravity of cancer, but they sure make it more bearable and less frightening. To me, it is what is so why not make it fun? Why be boring? Other people have ‘boring’ covered. You don’t even know the half of the crazy things I came up with to cope. Even my eight-day hospital stay was fun with tons of visitors, cello player, visiting pets and caring expert medical staff! Spending my 39th birthday in a hospital bed was not bad at all.
The first day I met with you was the same day I had my pre-op. A nurse in pre-op said you were chosen for M------. That gave me comfort that I would be in good hands. Nothing like a rock star oncologist, eh? Don’t blush. Your other nurses like you and tell on you. That’s how I knew you loved chocolate. They also said you were a runner which made me feel confident to bring you treats that you could work off. Ha! Besides – I thought how different would it be if your patient gave you something other than a look of apprehension as to how she is progressing.
What am I trying to say with all this? Sometimes doctors do not get a sense of a patient’s real thoughts especially with the quick clinic visits. Getting into my mind involves a few martinis and a bucketful dirty jokes. Once again, I have spared you. Well, good doctor, I want to say thank you for saving me. Thank you for helping me reset my life. I intend to live it with more verve. The serendipitous way I came to M------ is a testament as to how much I am wickedly blessed. You are one of those blessings. I am so lucky!
While I have enjoyed the Brazilian you’ve given me through chemo, I have not liked the Skinderella/Baldilocks hairstyle or the eyelash suicide. So until I see you again for my three-month visit, I am focusing on growing hair.
Thank you,
Sarah
PS Thanks also for saying the toast to my health and favorable CT scan right before my last cycle of treatment. It worked!
-----------------------------------------
Yes, my lovelies -- I am in remission. Thank you for support and prayers. Every little bit helped me heal. xxoo
-----------------------------------------
July 21, 2010
Dear Dr. R-----:
This note is from the “groovy girl” who has brought you decadent treats during her last three cycles of chemo…
Today you said that words that have affected me more than anything you’ve said to me in the last six months, “You’re in remission.” I knew that would be the case, but hearing the words from you still stunned me. You’re very lucky I didn’t grab and hug you as was my first instinct. I saved you from awkwardness by reminding myself that you most likely appreciate your patients better under anesthesia. I don’t think it is because you’re afraid to connect with your patients, but because it is easier to deal with the facts of science and lab results rather than the emotional product of your findings and treatment options. The cerebral part takes over because it is what helps cure your patients. This was good because I didn’t need you to coddle me. I needed concrete facts to distance the emotional side as well.
At 39, I never expected to have cancer. Who does, right? I have approached my cancer with a project plan so I could keep the focus on what I needed to do to have minimal side effects and how to manage my energy each day. There was also an edict to my family and friends that I would go through everything with humor. That is where being “chemo sexy” and living the “glamcer (glamorous cancer) life” have come from. Even my chemo sessions were “happy hours” because you gave me “chemo cocktails”. The cute names do not by any means diminish the gravity of cancer, but they sure make it more bearable and less frightening. To me, it is what is so why not make it fun? Why be boring? Other people have ‘boring’ covered. You don’t even know the half of the crazy things I came up with to cope. Even my eight-day hospital stay was fun with tons of visitors, cello player, visiting pets and caring expert medical staff! Spending my 39th birthday in a hospital bed was not bad at all.
The first day I met with you was the same day I had my pre-op. A nurse in pre-op said you were chosen for M------. That gave me comfort that I would be in good hands. Nothing like a rock star oncologist, eh? Don’t blush. Your other nurses like you and tell on you. That’s how I knew you loved chocolate. They also said you were a runner which made me feel confident to bring you treats that you could work off. Ha! Besides – I thought how different would it be if your patient gave you something other than a look of apprehension as to how she is progressing.
What am I trying to say with all this? Sometimes doctors do not get a sense of a patient’s real thoughts especially with the quick clinic visits. Getting into my mind involves a few martinis and a bucketful dirty jokes. Once again, I have spared you. Well, good doctor, I want to say thank you for saving me. Thank you for helping me reset my life. I intend to live it with more verve. The serendipitous way I came to M------ is a testament as to how much I am wickedly blessed. You are one of those blessings. I am so lucky!
While I have enjoyed the Brazilian you’ve given me through chemo, I have not liked the Skinderella/Baldilocks hairstyle or the eyelash suicide. So until I see you again for my three-month visit, I am focusing on growing hair.
Thank you,
Sarah
PS Thanks also for saying the toast to my health and favorable CT scan right before my last cycle of treatment. It worked!
-----------------------------------------
Yes, my lovelies -- I am in remission. Thank you for support and prayers. Every little bit helped me heal. xxoo
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