Have you ever felt the grip of fear that the story of your life is neither what you had dreamed of as a child or what you thought it would be as an adult?
This fear then shadows you for what seams like eons -- really is just empty years unfulfilled as you've allowed yourself to be carried by the mediocrity of the world, flavored by beliefs about yourself that are totally permeable if you examined them under your spiritual loupe. I finally recognized it December 2009 but have been feeling it circa 2001. Funny how facing your own mortality will shock your atoms to attention like a drill instructor screaming in the face of a new recruit while leaving spittle on his face to punctuate his points.
Two major cancer surgeries and two sets of chemos have driven me to change the stories about myself. Things like: I am not outdoorsy nor athletic. I am not strong enough. I am not smart enough. I am not beautiful enough. I am not deserving of the abundant life I have been peering at from the other side of the cold glass door that was fogged by the warmth of my doubting breath. How have I not seen that the door did not have a doorknob because it was actually open all along and all I had to do was walk through it? Madness.
Since my last post, I have been consciously making alterations in many aspects to change the stories about my life. Life does not stop just because you have had a Spiritual Eureka. I have encountered stresses at work, identity theft and the specter of a cancer recurrence. My recommendation is to set yourself up for success so you can breakthrough self-limiting beliefs one at a time. Breakthroughs are cathartic...
In January, I went camping and HIKING. What?
Last month I went zip-lining with my diva-delicious friend Jill! As her schedule permits with work, hubby and growing adorable sons, we will indulge ourselves in new adventures. This time we scaled two towers, 45ft & 65 ft respectively which were part of eight zips across the tree canopies at 30 mph, 65ft above ground. Our harnesses took us from 225ft-950ft long zips. Did I mention having to cross two rickety rope bridges wide enough for your feet? It was exhilarating! I am very lucky that heights do not scare me. The bridges were the most difficult. I am so fit at the moment that climbing the 65-ft tower did not leave me breathless. Yeah, Sprinkles!
The gym is now an integral part of my life. I saw a guy outside the gym and didn't recognize him in civilian clothes until he said to me, "See you at the gym". Really? That sentence would have been unheard of spoken to me! When I am late or don't show up, the other regulars get at me when they see me. The first time it happened, I was annoyed. Now I take it in stride because they know how far I have come.
For example... See this Free Motion Squat Machine?
When I started in late September still weak from chemo, I could only lift 30-40lbs on my shoulders, 1 set of 10 repetitions. I also needed quite of bit of assistance squatting down just past 90 degrees on my knees at the beginning to "catch the weight" and hike it up to starting position. Now I can do 140lbs, 3 sets of 15 repetitions with no assistance squatting almost sitting down on the ground to catch all the weight. I can cry just thinking of my progress.
Indoor farming now, too. Okay, I have only started with broccoli sprouts, but I think I will be progressing to microgreens soon. It is very satisfying to harvest after just one week of growing from seed.
On the immediate horizon, I have a trip to California in June to look forward to after being in Chemoberia for two years. Been outlining my script for my youtube videos. I just figured out how to make my own homemade teleprompter and also where to buy a small studio light kit with backgrounds for when I film them.
I missed my blog and tonight I decided to catch up a little. I am going to revamp this page, too. The background color is a start for now. Probably scrapping the whole design and starting over. We'll see. Stories can change.
My Love to You!