Kissing her on top of her white Dr. Suess-like hair, I felt a slight squeeze on my heart. This incredible woman who had raised three good men (one being my uncle) and had been married for 50 plus years to the same man had a cast accessorizing her right arm...Sigh. We also hadn't told her that eldest son had passed on Sunday. It will be a gentle telling by my aunt and uncle after his funeral this week.
Nan has lived a clean life, if you will. She believes in her Lord and abides by his laws. As far as I know, she never drank, smoke or cursed like how we do now. She will also never realize how good she has made me feel about myself thanks to two things she said to me on separate occasions.
Once Nan told me what a sweet voice I had when everyone else just tells me my voice would be good for a phone actress. If you've received three independent e-mails from friends in the same day with a link to such a job opening, you know it to be true. I've been asked in the past to be the voice on a few professional voicemails, too.
Another time, Nan told me what a good nurse I was when I helped take care of her at my aunt and uncle's home. My inner light shined to blind and I felt I was really "good". I didn't think I needed any validation since I've learned how to deflect (or was that numb) myself from negativity. When you've grown up being forcefed other people's inherited poison, you forget your worth until an earth angel gives you a reminder. It was a bittersweet feeling.
I've realized as an adult that other people's damage needn't be mine even when the scars have already healed over to remind me of what I have endured. Each of us can make a choice to change ourselves and improve our karmic bank. For that reason, I try valiantly to be kind and be extra aware of people who need a kind word or need some sort of validation that they exist and matter.
Nan has definitely made me feel that I exist and I matter. It is with great sadness that she now suffers from dementia. She forgets things and the order of her history. Tonight she reminded me her husband had died, a fact now almost 20 years old...
Maxine sat quietly in her chair while Nan and I talked, but I did manage to have her share her life story with me. She, too, had lost a husband after 58 years of marriage. She's been living in the rehab center because of her health needs due to asthma and other breathing difficulties. Maxine missed her dear love Curtis; she wished she had died when he did.
Good golly! Between these two grand dames, they had been married over 100 years. I've never even been married one! They highlight the good memories, but I know they both had their struggles. I watched Maxine's memories embrace her face like a familiar lover when she talked about how she met Curtis. Maybe one day my memories will affect me the same way.
Nan had become impatient to change into her nightgown and was downright stubborn about it, but I'd say she's earned it. She remarked on how she was used to doing for herself and I told her that it is because she was so kind that she now has wonderful people helping her. I added another bit of reaping what one has sown. My little saint smiled as this seemed to comfort her in her dependency to others.
Aging is human disease. Not to sound macabre, but we age to die in our earthly costumes. Our souls are whole even when our bodies fail us. Maxine had bemoaned the fact she couldn't do the things she was used to doing with Nan echoing the same. I felt a squeeze in my chest again. Time has robbed these women of their lost loves and their independence, chasing them into their next journey in life. A little dose of cruel never hurts in the end, right?
It was time to leave my wispy haired women so they could prepare for bedtime. The visit didn't all reside in ennui, but I wore them out with jokes and gentle teasing. I forget that they may not handle laughing like the rest of us young 'uns. I left them each with a kiss, a goodnight wish and a warning that I would be coming back the next evening. (Teehee.)
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