Nietzsche Knows

Cool gusty winds lifted my hair today. (Smiling) I cannot recall the last time that happened...

It has been eight weeks since my last chemo and it was the most difficult one. For four additional hours I was subjected to a two-pint blood transfusion. My lower back was also a spasm of pain most of the day which caused me to adopt different positions to try and relieve it without taking pain medicine. Even knowing all this, I would do it all over.

Steroids were again a part of my chemo care regimen. It came with baggage though -- an extra 25 pounds of weight on my body on top of the weight I need to lose. Since re-joining Weight Watchers eight weeks ago, I have lost 15!

My health motto taken from a shirt on bodybuilding.com is "Rise from Weakness". Last year's chemo recovery was not easy so I took a time off this time around two weeks ago to try and make my way to the gym to restart a weight lifting regimen with my coach at 5am. Yes, 5! A nasty alarm wakes me up at 4am Monday through Friday so I can get geared up and eat a pre-workout snack of one banana and seven pieces of raw almonds plus water. Oh yes -- my mouth looks like it is filled with Chiclets when I smile at my Jamaican coach each morning. The joy I feel is immense even when my muscles protest from underuse and chemo recovery...

My home address is new but I have not moved. The emergency network insisted on my apartment complex updating their address system to make it easier on them in case they are needed. A mobile vehicle from the Department of Motor Vehicles was parked in my parking area for everyone to change their driver's license (for free!) to reflect the change of address. I wanted to change my address earlier this year, but this is not exactly what I had imagined.

On the same vein, my UK company has sold off the Healthcare division. I was a casualty of the split that will be finalized in November. My job was moved to the Healthcare side as part of the divestiture. I get to drive to work in the same building but just work under a new company name and with a new manager yet to be named. Mind you, I started out at the Healthcare division and I have been supporting them for six years so the change is more paperwork than anything. I am still happy.

My bigger personal projects are still simmering on the burner; however, I am very proud to inform you that I completed my first quilt. Buoyed by this accomplishment, I also designed and put together a bed scarf as well as recovered my frou-frou pillows to match my new duvet set. I may have finally conquered my fear of sewing!

Sigh.

For now I have to concentrate on my job and improving my health. A quote from Nietzsche sums it up, “He who has a why can endure any how." My whys are worth every step no matter how small or difficult. I think of that each time I see my hair and wince. It has grown much longer, but chemo thinned it out by more than half. Through the magic of a curling iron, brush techniques and a fumigation of hairspray, I still manage to receive compliments on it from strangers. If they only knew how I cannot wait to have my full crown again. I need a bigger crown to rule over Sprinklesville! Ha. My hair is coming back more and more each day judging by the havoc the wind did on it today. It was a nice reminder that things are coming along nicely.

Love,
Sarah

Nietzsche Knows

Chemoberia

I exaggerate. It is not quite Chemoberia. Before you get excited, this is a postage stamp post to say I am still living and doing well...

Since I last posted I have completed Cycle #4 of 6 sets of chemotherapy. Cycle #3 was ugly -- dizziness and being seriously tired for almost two weeks. Recovering from Cycle #4 has been a cakewalk compared to #3. All in all I am still happy and have lots of hair even though it has thinned significantly. I went from looking like Joanie Cunningham (Happy Days) to Betty Boop.

My life is being planned and lived like it is Golden. More later; I have to secure my own raft as it has been a continuous deluge here in Trampa. Extra oars, anyone?

Kisses,
Sprinkles

Chemoberia

Third Compartment

Coping with my current life has forced me to put aspects of it in three distinct compartments. The first is "dealing with cancer" since it is in the forefront. The second is "work" where I challenge myself to not let the first compartment overtake the kind of progress I am trying to make. The third compartment is a place where I've struggled to be in since December 2009 and that place is "just being me".

What is "just being me" about? It is where: I am not a cancer patient... I am not an employee... I am not a daughter... I am not a sister or friend... I am not a cooking expert or frustrated artist. I am just the core of me and not the shell of roles I have acquired on my journey. It is a place where I can look at me and recognize the Divine Spark I have been entrusted with on this Earth. When I look at that Divine Spark it is where I also get to gaze at it and find out what I am supposed to really do to give of my life and use it to its best.

Of course, I would be lying to you if I also didn't include a fourth compartment of being a partner/spouse to an incredible man who allows me the freedom to be in that third compartment. He would also not be intimidated by that surety in my sense of self as well the things I want to accomplish as it relates to my contribution to humanity. Sigh... I am working on one compartment at a time for now.

____

On Friday, I had the pleasure of hosting a small dinner party. It was a bit last minute by my plan ahead standards. We dined like kings on Italian fare. I put together an antipasto platter that had variety and also beauty in its presentation. The entree was red sauce with hot Italian sausage over thin spaghetti which was accompanied by slices of sesame seed crusted baguette broiled with a compound butter I made the night before. The wine flowed but not for me since any alcohol is prohibited with my chemo.

The following picture was of dessert. I purchased the mini cannolis and the petit fours. Dutch cocoa powder was dusted all over the white plates. I placed a fork over the plate and then dusted with powdered sugar so I could achieve a silhouette of the fork before I plated the tender sweets next to it.



Today was Mother's Day and I did visit my aunt to give her tulips and some petit fours. I also brought my uncle two chocolate glazed donuts as a treat. My aunt made us a sweet and sour fish lunch. It was quite tasty!

I shopped after at the local crafts shop where I was determined to buy garland and a wire wreath to make my new wreath for the front door. The set I had was tired looking and I was of the mind to improve my feng shui. My heart was charmed with a new welcome mat I found. I took one look at it and the French word "bicyclette" came to mind. It had to come home with me. The floral design on the mat matches my wreath nicely.



Whorls of hair have taken over my head thanks to the previous chemo. I am reticent to cut them since my hair will get thinner as the new chemo goes on. Today I surprised myself by taking the picture below. I wanted to share what I looked like at the moment. The curls in the back are full. It doesn't look like the "me" I know, but here you have it.



I guess it is not that bad. ;p

Love and Hugs,
Sprinkles

Third Compartment

Kimo the Elephant

Florence and the Machine's "Dog Days are Over" was looped repeatedly in my car last Thursday morning. I love the first line, "Happiness, hit her like a train on a track." And that is exactly was Sprinkles got that morning.

Bridget at work wanted to do something special for me since she new part of my spirits had been dampened by the anticipation of this particular chemo. She enlisted the help of her son's 3rd grade teacher and came up with the best "Happiness". The whole class made me homemade cards with encouragement of hope against cancer and they gave me a stuffed elephant to keep me company during my chemotherapy. I was so stunned and overwhelmed that I cried. I love children and to have these little beings make/send me (a stranger!) homemade cards made my cup runneth over. I have since named my new soft friend Kimo!

Meet Kimo and see the stack of cards next to him:



I must have held on to Kimo tighter the next day. It went well, but a little weird. My port was giving me issues so they had to infuse all the drugs in my arm. The nurse was unsure of chemo going into the port. I have a dye-study scheduled (hopefully) this Friday during my short chemo day. My aunt escorted me and I had the pleasure of being recognized by someone from my Ovacome group as well as the techs and nurses at the infusion center... Jeezus, I need another hangout.

Good news -- my boss went to bat for me with our benefits team. I am no longer paying $50 for one of my after chemo meds. They have overridden it with the drug company and I will be paying $25 instead. So from $73 to $48 every three weeks instead. Hooray!

Just to keep me on geeky track, here is something I came up with to help me with taking these things. It is not foolproof - this fool forgot to take the pink section all day yesterday. Sigh. It was just for anti-nausea -- luckily, I was okay.



Working today was not bad because the blue section was not on today. Those drugs make my brain woozy. Will work from home again tomorrow just to be sure... I did experience a little feathering in my hearing today like I did at my aunt's house on Sunday. It was not a strong thing and didn't keep me from enjoying my cousin's kids. I guess it comes and goes. Everyday is a new adventure in side-effects. You can never say cancer is boring for sure!

Kisses,
Sprinkles xo


SIDE NOTE: On the Dog Days video, it kinda reminds me of Captain Kirk's Quaalude induced sex dreams if you could imagine such a thing. What do you think?

Kimo the Elephant

Channeling Churchill

Once again, I am "greeting inevitability with a smile". My new chemo treatment begins this coming Friday, April 22nd. Accepting this next phase has been more difficult than I thought it would be.

Wednesday was my appointment with my surgeon and his team to discuss my chemotherapy treatment. I reminded him about the allergic reaction in Cycle 6 to Carboplatin, one of the cocktail ingredients of last year's treatments. He then made the decision to treat me with Cisplatin. I started to laugh when he said this particular drug causes kidney damage and more nausea. Oh, joy.

We also discussed the after care drugs. I told him I would rather do the same surgery we just did than take the after care drugs that messed with my brain days after each chemo treatment. He said it would have to be discussed with the pharmacist and the nurse. All in all my surgeon foresees me doing well especially when he reminded me how sick I was last year when I went through treatment. It was not a total comfort to me. Things got more upsetting when the pharmacist came to discuss the chemo drugs.

A specialized pharmacist bearing short pretty bobbed blond hair and a cheery patterned dress with a sweet angelic face came to see me. No, her heavenly presence did not diminish the gravity of her words. She confirmed the Cisplatin causes kidney damage and more nausea. I then asked her how would we know? Would I pee blood? "No," she says -- "It will show up in the blood work." Great, a silent killer. More assurances of being able to reverse or stop the side effects spilled from her mouth. Oh yes -- there is also a chance of some hearing loss. Sigh. What about the Gemzar portion? What exactly does that drug do? In her calm angelic way, "It messes with your RNA and DNA....to stop things from growing." Goddamn it, are you fucking kidding me?! (Remember...all these drugs are poisons designed to treat cancer.)

Next my surgeon's specialized nurse came in. We discussed the aftercare drugs and my feelings on it in great detail. They looked at the dosage prescription for the chemo which was surprisingly lighter than they thought. Instead of having two drugs for after chemo drugs, I will have four drugs staged to minimize nausea and brain fog. Later I found out that instead of paying about $12 every three weeks, I will be paying $70+ because one drug is not standard and my insurance company will not cut me a break on pricing.

I must must must remember I am being treated in the No. 4 ranking facility in the U.S. and that my surgeon is the best in the department. I must must must also remember that I am in a better place than last time. My new scar has healed nicely and looks fabulous. Hell, I look fabulous thanks to more weight loss and my determination to look extraordinarily normal and beautiful. I will experience some hair loss, but not a total one like last year which is a plus if you're trying to retain your own beauty during chemo.

There was one unexpected news... Tab has gotten engaged and is getting married today. After I told him off in December to stop our association even as friends/acquaintances, his now wife has managed to be employed in my company in the same building starting while I was out on medical leave. Of course, being the Class A Jerk he is, he also managed to instant message me last Monday to "say hello". He didn't know I already knew of this new development prior to my first day back to work so I made sure to make a preemptive strike and ask him how she enjoyed her new employment and commented on her engagement ring I saw earlier in the day. His response was dead silence for several moments until he recovered and prattled on and on regarding his new wonderful life. I wasn't so accommodating. He soon lost interest and was tired of getting insulted. (For some reason, he keeps coming back for conversation when he thinks my temper has cooled off. He banks on my forgiving nature.) Two great things came out of this: 1) I feel nothing when I see his fiance/wife and 2) I felt more of nothing when he contacted me. Hooray for Sprinkles!

Quilting...yes, I have taken it on. Since I cannot practice my other womanly arts (wink), I might as well take on a more leisurely one. Last weekend, I took a road trip with Kimmee and Quilting Cathy to shop four quilt shops where fabric was a calming drug. I am halfway through my first one. That one is being named "Manila Sunrise". A pic will be posted when it is completed.

It is near noon... I should make a nice lunch and work my plans for preparing for chemo, minimizing side-effects from chemo and getting through it. My surgeon wants to do 6 cycle sets which should have completion in August. My support system of family and friends keeps me going when I start to have doubts. I am often reminded that I am important to many people.

It is essential for you to know that I am doing great; I just have to dig deeper in my faith to keep my smiles. Luckily, the well is Infinitely Deep and will not ever run out as long as I never, never, never give up. Think Churchill.

Love and Blessings,
Sarah Sprinkles
xxoo

Channeling Churchill

Dianne's Delivery

Today I ventured into the world by myself. I went shopping for a spell at one store. After over an hour, my wound area became a little achy. Perhaps I should have worn my band around it like I do when I go to sleep. When I started to feel tired, I went home to prepare for Dianne's (aka Possum) visit.

How do you react when you receive a gift like this?



Dianne may have delivered it, but it was actually from her Filipino co-worker Mario. He is such a nut and thought these things would go well together and be a funny gift. I had no choice but to laugh hard. This is what happens when you get two crazy friends into an Asian market. Laughter is the best medicine I am telling you!

On the other hand, Dianne also brought me two hand fans, sesame cookies and these cute solar-powered Lucky Cats from her. (I mistakenly always call these Happy Cats.) Their heads bob from side to side thanks to the solar panel. These are the only cats I love. I can't wait to bring them to work so I can smile every time I look at them.



We made our way to a local restaurant after I opened all my gifts and had a great time catching up and laughing. Her visit was a great cheer-me-up. I had been feeling a little down after my shopping earlier when my body was reminding me that I am still healing from a big surgery. It is the stuff that can mess with your spirit and mind. Luckily, my new cats set me on the right path.

Hugs,
Sprinkles
xo

Dianne's Delivery

Vitamins Make Me

Roaming through the Photo Gallery on my phone unearthed some photos I have been meaning to share. Actually, my new brand of vitamins still have me wide-awake. I have already played on facebook and will have posted three items in my bloggie today after publishing these pics...

I learned how to make rainbow cupcakes and now I love doing them in different colors not just these tie-dye colors seen here. All you have to do is separate the cupcake batter into four disposable plastic cups or small bowls then mix enough food gel color to saturate each cup or bowl with a different color and mixing well. Take a spoonful of one color and fill each cupcake liner that you've already placed in the cupcake pan. Continue filling each liner with one color at a time but no more than 2/3 up the liner. It needs room to puff up. Bake as directed, cool cupcakes, frost/decorate and voila!




Can you believe this was in my pre-op folder? I wish this would have been included in my first surgery packet. It would have made things a lot easier. Like I always say, "Fiber Makes You Sexy".




When I was handed this quilt over dinner a week before my surgery, I was so overwhelmed that I started to cry. This is a big beautiful quilt -- twin size! Look at all the work my friends Kimmee and Cathy put into this. Each scrap was sewn; the fabric theme was Asian. The backing is that light teal you see on the edge. Each square in this quilt is a teal fabric center for Ovarian Cancer. I slept with this in the hospital and will continue to have it during chemo.




Some people have wedding favors or giveaways, I had "surgery favors". If you visited me in the hospital, you would have received a bag of chocolates and a cute-size bottled water I relabeled for the occasion. I also made chocolate cupcakes but I forgot to take pics of those.




There you have it for the pics. As for other stuff today, my shrinky dink was delighted to see me and remarked on how well I looked. She wasn't alarmed when I told her about going back to work on Monday. I basically gave her an update since I last saw her two days before my surgery and I expressed my plan of attack for work and for chemo involving new vitamins, etc.

I was supposed to go out more today, but the Tampa area had a lot of tornado warnings. The deluge washed away any notions of driving around town. Even HSN (Home Shopping Network) which is filmed in St. Petersburg was experiencing flickering power during their Martha Stewart Craft segment. Our portion of Florida was wetter than wet!

Kisses,
Sprinkles

PS It is a bit past midnight and I am still wide-awake. These new vitamins are either weird or amazing! What do you think?

Vitamins Make Me

My Chauffeur

It all started with the question of a hat and this is what I opened the door to this afternoon:



This was Mark, my dear friend Sandy's husband, who picked me up at my aunt's house to take us to another great friends' home for a belated St. Patrick's Day feast. Sandy had asked him if he had a hat that he could wear to pick me up and before she knew it, he had delved deep into his bag of tricks to find a complete ensemble of the bowler hat, the strange glasses, the crazy teeth and the tux with button red lips on the collar. You should have seen the looks on my aunt and uncle's faces when I introduced him. It was a total scream!

I am always humbled by people's extra efforts. This is one pick-up I will likely not forget for a long time. The best part of this for me was the bowler hat...of course!

Winks,
Sarah

My Chauffeur

Grating Coconut

You guys know how much I adore my Aunt Maria. During my recovery at her home, I got to reconnect with her like we have not in a very long time...

On this day, I bellied up to the granite bar surrounding a part of her newly remodeled kitchen. She was in the middle of preparing Filipino food for a Filipina friend. I decided to search youtube for videos containing songs in her native dialect WarayWaray. After that I found songs in the main dialect Tagalog and in particular one of her favorite singers from back in the day Pilita Corales. I forgot what torch song was playing but the vignette of watching my aunt hunkering down grating coconut between her legs using this old school device in her granite and stainless steel kitchen was more than I could handle. You just can't take the Farmer Girl out of her!

There is a funny video with me narrating and laughing but I am not allowed to post it. All I have for you is a snapshot of my aunt sans the grater to show a portion of her new kitchen. If you watch the hyperlink on the device, you will see a similar one she was using.



Can you believe she just turned 66 years old? May God bless me with her aging genes!

Smiles,
Sarah

Grating Coconut

Staple Pulling Contest

What a difference a day makes! Yesterday, I was ready to tear pillows apart and today I am elated from visiting the cancer center where more people than I dare admit recognized me and said hello. It is kind of creepy when a volunteer greets you at the reception desk by your first name before you have even uttered a word. This part of the center sees about 100 patients a day!

The staple pulling contest was painless compared to last year's experience and barely lasted 15 minutes. A very skilled nurse practitioner who took the staples out also briefed me again on my surgery and she informed me that I had five hernia sacs extracted along with the mini tumors. WTF? She cautioned me against lifting heavy items for 4-6 months. I asked her about working out and she said that I should avoid abdominal exercises for the same amount of time. Believe me -- I felt fear so I will not do anything to undo or cause any new hernias for 4-6 months!

My surgeon gave me the okay to return to work on April 4th. Yes, I know it is rather quick. I pushed for the date and he said sometimes you have to agree with the patient. He remarked at how well I looked and I told him there was not "ooze" coming out of my wounds which made him laugh. I am not insensitive to the fact that I have to take things very easy. I have another appointment with him on the 13th to discuss my chemotherapy treatment more in depth.

This is what I know: my time during the infusion will be less. I will have Carboplatin again on Day 1 along with a drug called Gemzar. On Day 8, I will have Gemzar again. After asking him, he said I could conceivably work during those days if I worked from home and I wouldn't need an escort after the first day. Hooray!

AND...the hair loss question. My surgeon was Mr. Hedgehog when posed the question of hair loss. His hedging led to us laughing. It would seem that I would experience hair loss but not a total one. Since I have enough hair for three people (as verified by my two previous Korean hairdressers) I am hoping that my hair will just thin out and still look nice or I can wear scarves some days. Okay -- wearing a scarf without hair looks like you don't have hair; however, wearing scarves when you have some hair poking out looks stylish. Trust me because I never wore any of my scarves out last year!

I will also be making my way back to my apartment next Monday much to my aunt's dismay. She thinks it is too soon. I really need to get back to my own place and get back into the swing of things and figure out how to modify my penchant for lifting heavy things. My handbag and computer bag all have to be lightened. If you recall, I moved my living furniture around during chemo last year. That was probably one of the causes of the hernia sacs. There will be no hernia sacs this time around.

My aunt and uncle were hungry from leaving the house early without breakfast so I treated them to a late breakfast. Truth be told, I was the most vocal about being hungry, but by the time the food was placed in front of me, I was not hungry. Not sure why. I ate a third of my meal. A quick trip to an Asian grocery store was soon after before going back to my auntie's.

That's the State of the Sprinkles Union. I hope you're pleased as I am!

Hugs,
Sprinkles
x0

Staple Pulling Contest

Bored Out of My Gourd

My plans today were canceled by my galpal which has sent my cabin fever into overdrive. Am I supposed to go out shopping and have lunch with over 100 staples still on my abdomen? I really don't care. I am recovering at my aunt's and have been been able to shower without help and do one load of laundry without help. The reliance on my walker is less and less so I can go out for a spell.

I just don't have time for cancer related activities!!!! There I have said it.

My goals are being pre-empted with all this cancer crap. Tomorrow morning I get to have all the staples extracted. I may even hear of which treatment plan my surgeon has for me. :::now with heavy sarcasm::: Let's get excited about chemo -- ooohhh! I will get excited later but not right at this very moment. Right now I am annoyed.

You know what I've found out? That full cable television is boring and is filled with mind-numbing junk. Ugh. Thank God I don't waste my money on this stuff. At my aunt's house, I have no choice but to surf 400 channels of brain-goo inducing programming.

If you haven't noticed, I am bored and I feel trapped. Maybe it is a good thing that Tawny still has my car because I would drive it right now against doctor's orders with this song blasting all the way up to the stratosphere: Sprinkle's Theme Today.

Bored Out of My Gourd

Lucky Mark

On Saturday morning, I was receiving a pedicure from Mary at the nail salon, when she said something in Vietnamese and then restated it in English about me being lucky because of the mole she'd never noticed before on the bottom of my left foot. It is? Cool. I feel lucky...

The words you have not read from me lately have been caged by time, not having enough of it. Work has enslaved me not to mention my social butterfly ways, my new hobby of quilting that I am learning from Kimmee and friend Cathy, my 5am killer workouts at the gym monitored by my awesome Jamaican-6% bodyfat-60ish male coach and by my deja-cancer surgery. Okay, the last part is in a few days.

The question "Are you fucking kidding me?" was something I repeated over and over last month in my surgeon's office. No, he wasn't. The rise in my protein test (CA-125) alarmed my doctor and had him ordering a CT scan of my abdominal area. That revealed an inflammation of two lymph nodes that were not there before. That was followed by a biopsy taken through my back with long needles.

Can you imagine Sprinkles recently napalmed (chemo) body being suddenly invaded by small tumors in her periaortic lymph node and the left lymph node side of her groin seven months later? Me neither! The good news was chemo, but the bad news was another surgery because of having to take another set of weeks off from work. I won't know if I am to lose my hair again. Testing of the tumors will determine that course of chemo. The hospital stay will be 4-6 days and I will continue recovering at my aunt's home for a week or two.

If you're feeling sad, please don't. I cannot wallow in self-pity because I am not a victim or live life with a victim mentality. God doesn't promise you will not go through fire, but he promises you peace if you will accept it as you walk through it. I have that peace and it feels so incredible. No, I am not impervious to the news, but I have accepted it.

What I first thought of as a set-back because of the physical strides I've made will be a set-UP instead. The hard work at the gym will make my recovery that much more bearable and quicker. My gym coach and I have a workout date as soon as I can manage it after the first or second chemo. These treatments will probably commence three weeks after my surgery. I will rise from weakness. There is no choice.

Meanwhile, I will be wrapping things up at work before they disable my access to the network. In a few minutes, my special "Team Sprinkles" surgery day labels will be wrapped around short 8-oz water bottles I am giving out while I am in the hospital to go with my special "Team Sprinkles" candy favor giveaways. Some people have wedding favors, I have surgery favors. That's how Sprinkles does it. I turn everything into some fun marketing opportunity. There will also be a tray of sinful chocolate cupcakes for my peeps to nosh on while I am in surgery and recovery. It can be breakfast food. (grinning widely)

Almost forgot...today I received good news about my thyroid. I spent the middle of the day giving vials of blood, having an ultrasound and meeting with my throat doc. The nodules are stable and I will see a different doctor in 6 months for monitoring purposes. Yeah, baby!

If you remember, please send me happy thoughts on Thursday morning. I have to check in at 5:15am and surgery is scheduled around 7:15am. Early bird day for several of us.

Love and Luck,
Sarah

Lucky Mark