Practice Love

"Practice love. Sitting alone in your room, be loving. Radiate love. Fill the whole room with your love energy. Feel vibrating with a new frequency, feel swaying as if you are in the ocean of love. Create vibrations of love energy around you. And you will start feeling immediately that something is happening -- something in your aura is changing, something around your body is changing; a warmth is arising around your body... a warmth like deep orgasm. You are becoming more alive. Something like sleep is disappearing. Something like awareness is arising. Sway into this ocean. Dance, sing, and let your whole room be filled with love."

- Osho

That's just it. I really haven't been Practicing Love. Love for Myself. This morning gave me one of my "walking the dog epiphanies". Why these things happen when I walk the dog, I truly do not know. Perhaps it is because I haven't started to pollute my brain with the daily grind or built walls on the truths trying to vie for equal time with the other crap I seem to focus on.

Before I get to the epiphany, let me share this finding on a recently found blog:

We all want friendships that will last for eternity, don’t we? Follow these pointers and you’ll be blessed times over…

1. Speak to people — there is nothing as nice as a cheerful word of greeting.
2. Smile at people - it takes seventy-two muscles to frown and only fourteen to smile!
3. Call anyone by their name - the sweetest music to anyone’s ear is the sound of their own name.
4. Be friendly and helpful - if you would have friends, be friendly.
5. Be cordial - speak and act as if everything you do is a real pleasure.
6. Be genuinely interested in people - you can like everyone if you try.
7. Be generous with praise - cautious with criticism.
8. Be considerate of the feelings of others - it will be appreciated.
9. Be thoughtful of the options of others.
10. Be alert to give service - what counts most in life is what we do for others!

(Taken from The Speaker’s Quote Book - Roy B. Zuck)

If you know me personally, you know that I just might be the embodiment of those 10 lines. Hell, I give myself cavities. I have never met a stranger. (Strange people - yes!) I can talk to anyone, anytime and in any situation AND be engaging. Smiling is natural as with responding with the word, "groovy" when people ask me how I am doing. I respond that way on purpose because it stops people in their tracks and makes them smile...big!

So, Sprinkles, what was that epiphany again? My epiphany which I shared with Rob in an extended IM conversation this afternoon was that I am not as important to other people I am close to as they are to me. They don't hold me in the same regard as I do them. While it stung, it was the truth. The times I get more timely feedback is when they read something on my blog or when I don't call or communicate in some way. Operative word I. I always give wholeheartedly of myself (always have!) and have received only scattered partials of others whether in romantic relationships or friendships.

Why share with Rob and not my closest buddies? Because he hasn't known me long enough and can sift through my bullshit, he's become a great friend, his approach is more militant (which I somehow respond to -- childhood stuff, I guess) and he has a vested interest in getting me to compete in mini triathlons. In order to get me further and steady in my training, he's going to need to help me get past a couple of hurdles.

Where I've feared him getting too frustrated and giving up is a delusion he's willing to correct throughout the day...everyday. He wants me to be inspired to resolve and not count on hope. Hope doesn't get you anywhere -- resolve gets you moving. If you could see the arguments in IMs and his pulling information out of me to get to the crux of the matter, you would wince. I've told him that when I start to tell him things, I get the case of the dum-dums and what I say sounds stupid and petty, but when I feel the same things, they hurt. He assures me it doesn't sound stupid to him. Here's his take on my epiphany:

First... you tend to be overly thoughtful... in hopes of getting the same…you like to please people... exceed expectations...somewhat you really truly enjoy pleasing people.. and exceed those expectations...but at the same time. You have some what more lofty expectations than the people around you seem to manage to live up to... you question yourself all the time.. "Are my expectations that high?" or "do these people just don’t hold me in the same regard... what is wrong with me?"

And I told him about the focus on trying to please everyone with a Sarahfix during my free time. I call and I write almost a dozen people at least on any given day. IM, facebook, e-mails and cell calls have become crutches/excuses on why I am not focusing more. I don't want to miss out or not be there for someone. I want them to know I care. Rob's no nonsense response is, It is not being rude, but being focused. For him: Umm...4pm gotta go....Jim at work not running at lunch lunch with me?...gotta go. Thanks to his military training, his training schedule is set and he adheres to it devotedly, but he still manages time for his family and a side job. Yes, he manages his time very well. I need to manage my time 'better' to get to 'very well'.

Sharing the above was difficult, but with a cheering squad like Rob, I was able to write the words. It is another cog in the wheel to get me moving in the right direction. Like the medical profession, they practice their profession to get better. In order to Love Myself more so in the end give more of myself in a truly authentic way (and not in deficit of myself), I need to practice Love for me by me.
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Practice Love