I had dropped something else off my dresser while shuffling around in my bedroom half asleep. It was one of my several wrist watches. I believed it to be a reminder to look for my fallen angel. On the way back from walking the dog, I tried again to look for it until I was visibly frustrated. I am loathed to lose things people have given to me especially with specific thoughtfulness. Just as I had given up and with my right foot hovering over the threshold, I looked back down exactly to the spot where it had been waiting for me. Whoosh went my sigh of relief from my body and I quickly rescued it to fasten back on my keyring. You know the Universe may have been trying to tell me something with that whole exercise...I was born in the city of Angels...Angeles City in the Philippines. [Smiling] Ironically, I am a descendant of an angel...okay, my grandma Angela. A backbone of my childhood has been behaving like a good citizen and setting an example for others. It is no surprise with the life the Universe has led me to has challenged the strength of that backbone especially during those years after my mom's passing where I didn't have an adult to really talk to about things. My dad was unapproachable in this sense because he is the kind that would want to fix things and lecture instead of listening. I have veered off the path here and there depending on the situation which all have turned out good and nothing heinous that would get me arrested. Who hasn't?
In the big scheme of things, I am very open to most things in the world -- extremely liberal. There are a few things that I do not compromise on and there have been times in the last 20 years I thought I would choke on some of that morality. The last seven or eight months have also forced me to look at how doing the right things sometimes doesn't yield what you think or believe it will. I guess that is why this year I have consciously decided to not abide by one of the things I believe in when an opportunity presented itself.
I am ashamed to say that I am sick of being good. For once in my life, I don't want to be good. All those times I've been called an angel and given angels because of it...Sigh. If you've read me, you might have noticed something that has developed that I can only allude to because it is not right and has no happy ending. I've fallen from a certain grace and I am bemusedly not ashamed of it. Does that mean it is right after all? No.
This brings us back to my angel charm on my keyring... Fallen doesn't mean hopeless or horrible. There are still right choices that can be made. I do feel a little bit lost. Most people are lost. You're supposed to be so you can find your way back home, I guess. I see the crumbs on the path, but I am ignoring them at the moment. I need this time to be lost on purpose. Good always wins in the end and I am counting on it, but not until I am ready...or the Universe says enough to my situation by handing me back a shinier halo.
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