Word Play

Do you remember the last time I cooked a meal for visitors that didn't involve my chemotherapy? Me neither. Tonight was the first time since last year I am entertaining purely for fun.

I started out early by going to do some shopping and ended up at the grocery store. By the time I finished around noon I was wiped out. I put my groceries away and ate lunch before taking a nap for some recovery time.

Tawny and Jeff came at 6pm to enjoy a home cooked meal of broiled marinated flank steak. It was accompanied by seasoned green beans, a wedge of cold lettuce for the quickest and simplest salad and my lazy (yet healthier!) mashed potatoes. Red potatoes were boiled until fork tender then placed on a sheet pan lined with aluminum foil and drizzled with some olive oil that has been spread out to coat pan. I then smashed each potato with a potato masher once. More olive oil was drizzled on the bed of mashed red potatoes followed by a good seasoning of kosher salt and freshly ground pepper. Finely chopped fresh rosemary was sprinkled on top for flavor. The oven was heated to 450 degrees and the potatoes were cooked until crisp about 30 minutes. I added some chopped red pepper and scallion rings for color and a fresh finish before scraping the potatoes off the sheet pan and into a large serving bowl. Yes, all of it was yummy!!

For dessert, I made what I now call my Raspberry Angel Napoleon. I sliced angel food cake and layered them with sugar-free whipped topping and fresh raspberries. I topped each serving with shaved 70% dark chocolate and some disco dust because I like sparkly. You've heard that before, haven't you?



The rest of the evening was spent playing Scrabble. We did two rounds that involved painful deliberations from Jeff. Where I play for a certain flourish with words, he was playing for high points. He won both rounds. Bastard. Ha. At some point when there were less tiles to choose from, my letter choices started to spell out Russian words or for Tawny what she perceived as Vietnamese words. She did have one set that spelled out "SO NASTY" and used the word NASTY on the board.

I was very interested in playing with these two brainiacs since we have never played Scrabble in the 12 years we've known each other. More importantly, I wanted to spend some quality and normal time with them. I am sick of having our only communication via instant messages or cell phone texts. It is just not the same when you are in person. Our recent get-togethers have also involved something with my cancer treatments. My treatments are almost over and I need to start transitioning into normal. I don't know if that is the appropriate word because my life is no longer normal and I can never return to what I knew as normal...

Cancer changes your perspective in life. It makes your world both myopic and expansive. Myopic in the sense that it weeds out the bullshit that used to bother you and expansive by lowering the fence on what you can accomplish. Things I thought I could not do before are doable. Getting back my health -- my strength and building upon that will be key. I've staged mini-milestones (in three phases) for myself for the next six months. Of course, the milestones need to be flexible because I don't know how my body will react to my last set chemotherapy. I believe I've built enough of a cushion before the second phase. The skeleton plan so far makes me feel good of what I can do to get ready to shape the future life I will lead. There is no word beatific enough for me to describe how I've imagined that life will be.

Kisses,
Sarah xo

Word Play

Lash Suicide

It is official. My eyelashes are committing suicide. Thanks to the compound effects of chemotherapy, I am now almost devoid of most of the hair on my body. Should I rejoice and think of it as shedding my coat for the summer?

You're probably wondering why I haven't posted. To be honest, I haven't been feeling well. It is taking me longer to recover and has progressed to an extra 7-8 days than normal recovery. Today was the first day I felt more like myself. It is disheartening but I know it is temporary. I just have to make it through two more chemo sessions next month.

I saw my shrinky dink last Tuesday and that time is helping me tremendously. The doctor gave me another assignment. I am to write down all the hurt I have experienced. Mulling through the pain is not the idea, but to write down incidents. I can handle that since our sessions have revealed that I am not dealing with the emotional side of cancer. We are tackling different areas of my life to get to that point...kinda working from the start to get to the present.

Another revealing thing is that I don't share deeper thoughts with my support team because I feel guilty for dumping on them. Sometimes when I talk to Angie, I can tell the things I talk about maybe too heavy for her to handle or maybe it is just me? I don't know. Don't get me started on Tawny -- I've hardly shared anything with her lately because I feel tremendous guilt for leaning on her when her health hasn't been stellar and the fact that she has already given so much right after my surgery. Kathy's been there to listen but I still don't share everything. I tend to keep things inside my head.

Sometimes I think that my support team all live too full lives to listen to things that may be bothering me now and they are too emotionally connected to me to have answers. Face it -- no one prepares for cancer. It is not subject matter that makes people happy. Now I have my shrinky dink and I can dump on her as well as get the answers I am in search of when we meet every two weeks.

I also saw my primary care doctor the same day for refills on my water pills, to get high blood pressure medication and to discuss what the cardiac surgeon saw on my CT scan in regards to my thyroid when I went to the emergency room last month. Everything was addressed but the thyroid because they didn't receive a copy of the scan in time. More blood was taken and the results have since come out clear. That's good. I will have to call this doctor again next week about the thyroid.

God... Talking about medication and cancer shit does get old. I can't help discuss them because they are what is going on in my life. The days that I no longer have to focus on them cannot come soon enough. Watching my hair grow after this summer will extend those thoughts a little longer I'm afraid.

For now my wig hides my bald head. My faux eyelashes and darker eyeliner keep my eyes visible. The make-up keeps me looking glamorous and healthy. My friend Dianne told me this evening how jealous she was at how fabulous I looked with my make-up and faux hair. I am doing everything I can to hide my anonymous pallor. Luckily, I haven't lost my humor about things. Crying about them seems like a waste of time. Someday this will all be a faraway dream.

Missed you,
Sprinkles xxoo

Lash Suicide

Sunday Race

I didn't mean for today to be another race against my meds, but I had no choice. Today was Kathy's last day at my place before she went back to her 2.5 hour drive up to Jacksonville. Her boyfriend Jamie was leaving on vacation the same afternoon and had to be home for their pets. I wanted to maximize my time with her.

Kathy kept joking about my energy. While I let her sleep in later than I did, I was moving around my apartment in stealth mode. None of my doors squeak in my apartment thanks to some special household lubricant called WD-40. Squeaky doors are bad feng shui -- means that energy is stuck in that areas of your life.

I made us a big breakfast and she expressed her desire to go to the Asian store later to buy some Asian veggies which I happily agreed on. We spent about an hour meandering about busy Asians getting their groceries before picking up sandwich orders for us and Tawny/Jeff for lunch. Jeff wasn't able to make it because he was still doing some pesky work for my company on his computer. This poor guy worked all weekend!

When lunch was over, Kathy cleaned the inside and outside of my sliding glass panel doors. I was more concerned about the dirty green pollen that had accumulated this spring on the outside. She also cleaned the front of my entrance door. All this to improve my feng shui. I do live feng shui as much as I can. It can't hurt, right? It just helps me focus on my intentions for my life with the universe... Tawny went home during the cleaning of the doors to take her husband his sandwich. Kathy would make a brief stop to their place to say goodbye to Jeff since he didn't make it.

My day wasn't over yet when Kathy left after 1pm. I did four loads of laundry, filled up the dishwasher, straightened the kitchen and took out trash as well as update my blog. As the afternoon wore on, my after care meds really kicked in. The mental fog began to surround my vision while my body seemed confused at the disconnect. I only have one more day to take the meds tomorrow. I dare not skimp on them just to avoid the discomfort. Sigh.

I spoke to Angie at night to let her know of my chemo day and other weekend adventures. She in turn told me of her adventures of hosting her mother/my aunt when she arrived back from her weeks long trip from the Philippines. Apparently, my aunt had an ear infection and a small cough, but they still had a great visit. I, myself, won't be able to see her until next Saturday; I need to make sure she is not coughing some crazy viral thing from the Philippines. It is a chance I can't take with my immune system.

So my lovelies...overall this was a great chemo weekend!

Kisses,
Sarah Sprinkles
xo

Sunday Race

Moon Under Water

No, I didn't forget about my aftercare meds that make me a little loopy. I took them and still decided to roll the dice. I was determined to have a fun weekend and not to make it about being shut-in like the last time. I was feeling good and wanted to take advantage of it.

Kathy and I picked up Tawny to go for late lunch/early dinner at this place I've been wanting to try for months called Moon Under Water, a British Colonial Tavern in St. Petersburg, which was less than hour away by the beach. The chef is from England so I felt safe in getting authentic grub.

Here it is from the road:


Inside from where I sat:


My BFF Kathy always smiling!


We shared a pierogi appetizer with curry sauce. I had a delicious meaty British Pasty and Tawny had a vegetarian pasty which were accompanied by peas and rice. Kathy had a tofu curry complete with pappadom. Everything was delicious! I can't wait to go back and try their "Stella in the Dark" which is Stella Artois beer with Guinness. This will be a discussion for my doctor on my next visit. Hee.

We decided to cross the street and walked around Vinoy Park. The area has Banyan trees that root themselves in the ground in the most unusual way. Offshoots from the branches come down and dig in the ground.





I love these boats on the water:




I made another batch of cupcakes for Kathy this morning while she went to visit Tawny across the apartment complex since I missed celebrating her birthday with her. This time it was vanilla cupcakes with homemade buttercream frosting tinted her favorite green color. They were topped with sprinkles, disco dust and some candles. Tawny and I sang Happy Birthday to her.



We enjoyed a serving (or two!) of cupcakes while we watched Slumdog Millionaire I had just purchased at the store before we went home. It was a great movie! It was late so Tawny went home with some cupcakes for her husband. Kathy and I stayed up for another movie musical called Nine. The director was the same for Chicago and Memoirs of a Geisha. Guess which one out of the three is my favorite?

Kathy said that the cancer patient was wearing her out. What she didn't realize is how I feel compelled to race against the stacked effects of taking the aftercare meds. Tomorrow I will start to feel it for sure. For today, I was able to forget it and have a great time!

Hugs,
Sprinkles

Moon Under Water

Love Chemo No. 4

I looked forward to today. My BFF Kathy was visiting from Jacksonville the whole weekend. She came in last night and was ready to help me with anything we may encounter at the cancer center. I had to feed her a hearty breakfast first, of course. LOL

Kathy had her laptop case, her handbag and my chemo bag filled with bottled water, snacks for her and my notebook calendar. I carried my own handbag and the most precious cargo of all: chocolate ganache cupcakes I made from scratch the night before. Sorry I didn't take any pics. The cake itself was chocolate and frosting was made of heavy cream and semi sweet chocolate chips with some instant coffee. I made 36 cupcakes. Kathy and I split one for quality control purposes, I brought Serina four and 31 made it into a bakery style box complete with multi-color French-wire ribbon bow on top.

What I found most curious of all was that people's heads would turn as I carried this box around before I visited my doctor. Once at a cafe table in between appointments, I opened the box to check my little temptations and two people stopped next to me to peer in. Talk about being nosy. It served them right to catch a whiff of the chocolaty goodness without getting any. LOL

My appointment with my doctor went very well. Based on my blood tests and a cancer test, I seem to be healthy. I know -- I couldn't be happier!!! We're not out of the woods yet. I have to combat or minimize the side effects I am still experiencing in between treatments. The biggest one is weight gain due to the steroids as well as the leg swelling. Ugh. I just have to tough it out. The last two treatments are next month.

My doctor very much appreciated his box of goodies I gave him and would share with his staff throughout the day. I found out that he has a sweet tooth he won't admit to and he loves chocolate. He is very thin and runs twice a day -- he can afford a couple of temptations.

Another thing that struck me today was how many people remembered and greeted me from my nurse at the blood draw to the clinic workers and in the infusion center. It made me feel welcome. I even got to say hello to the chemo patients I had seen before. It was all very family like. I was proud to be able to share the whole experience with Kathy.

Serina came and took our lunch order and made sure to leave with her own loot of cuppy cakes. She visited me again later in my chemo chair after my three hour nap. I couldn't stay awake too long so I went back to sleep for a bit.

Kathy confessed to me that her throat got lumpy when she saw the nurse hooking the tubes to the other tubes sticking out of my chest from the port. I guess it made the process very real to her. I am in awe of her strength and generosity to be with me. My day at the center was great and passed without incident.

I felt hyper after the day at the cancer center so we drove miles up the interstate to a Korean restaurant for some yummy healthy food. For dessert, we went to my happy place for bubble drinks. Kathy had coconut taro flavor and I had my jack fruit with mango jelly. By the time we got to my apartment, Kathy was ready to sleep in the airbed that she had spread out the night before in the middle of my living room floor. I was in no such hurry to sleep, but I did in deference to her. The poor thing had traveled almost three hours the night before after working a full day's work.

So there you are...today was a great chemo day. I was relieved.

Love,
Sarah xo

Love Chemo No. 4

Shrinky Dink

Progressing in your own life means hitting certain milestones. Seeing a therapist, affectionately called 'shrinky dink', today was definitely a momentous milestone in my life. It means that I am ready to face the fears I have long held and newer ones since my cancer diagnosis. It also means that I am ready to get the guidance I need for a new life...

Sitting in the lobby waiting for my appointment made me a little anxious. I looked around the waiting room and once again didn't see anyone my age. Every patient was over 60 years old. What does this mean? Am I going through something earlier instead of later in my life? I don't know. When my doctor came to collect me, I was relieved to see that I felt immediate ease with her after our introductions.

We went through a questionnaire that I had completed when I arrived. She asked me more questions that would rule out me needing serious help that required being medicated to manage and maintain some sense of equilibrium. She then began to ask me questions where I grew up to now perhaps to get a sense of a time line. For some reason in my head I wanted to scream how there were serious stories in the gaps of time I gave her.

Yes, I cried when I expressed how tired inside I felt. She told me it was okay to have a "suck" day and to not have to qualify everything like "it could be worse or other people have it worse than me". She said I needed to feel more which I told her I didn't want to because that was way too painful. It is easier for me to intellectualize things so I can maintain order. This is something we're going to work on.

After I iterated what my goals were for our meeting, she said we would tackle things in chunks and see each other every two weeks. Did I mention I brought I piece of paper listing those goals as well as outlining my pressures and concerns, etc.? It was almost having my own syllabus for a class. My OCD is part of my infinite charm. It is, I say!

My shrinky dink gave me three assignments until our next meeting. Two of them were: Spending 20 minutes every other day writing down how I feel or anything on my mind. I am not to filter anything and no grammatical corrections, etc. The other is less self-monitoring. Overall, I felt our time together was productive.

The rest of the day at work was very busy. There is a tremendous amount of pressure to perform well right now. I have to wrap things up by Thursday since I have chemo day on Friday. Even though it will be a recovery weekend, I am very much looking forward to spending time with Kathy who will be taking me to my fourth chemo day as well as keep me company during another milestone weekend.

Love,
Sprinkles

Shrinky Dink

Going Country

Driving to and from work has found me listening to country music. I can't help it. Everything else new on the radio just sounds like crap right now. Country music is like coming home for me for some reason. It just feels right.

Dolly Parton is my all-time favorite country artist if you must know. While the new country ballads are great like Lady Antebellum's Need You Now, I love fun songs called Giddy On Up by Laura Bell Bundy and Blake Shelton's Hillybilly Bone. The videos are great, too...

The days are getting blurry again since work is busy. This weekend is my last free weekend before my fourth chemo. I'm walking with Kristey on Saturday morning. I hope I can last at least two miles. The rest of the weekend will be spent preparing for the next chemo.

Next Tuesday I have my first appointment with a psychologist. It will be her first appointment at 8:30am. I am very pleased that I get to have one session before my next chemo. It makes me feel in better control already. I'll let you know how it goes.

I checked my mailbox today and found a pretty present from a sweet girlie friend across the pond. I enjoyed seeing "Royal Mail" on the envelope and the postage. She sent me this trinket box topped with a jeweled dragonfly. Isn't it beautiful? I collect trinket or decorative boxes so this was perfect.



If I don't get to post during the weekend, I hope you all have some fun and please don't forget to wish your mothers a "Happy Mother's Day" on Sunday, my lovelies.

Kisses,
S x

Going Country

Professionally Speaking

I've been thinking about this for weeks. Quickly I am realizing my life is changing again and I have to be prepared. My carefully lacquered version of reality is wearing and starting to crack from internal pressure. Before I combust and unleash steam to poor unsuspecting friends and family, I must get it together.

Today after encouragement from Bridget, I made the call to my social worker at the cancer center and told her I needed to talk to someone, a professional someone. She made me laugh at some point because she asked me if I needed psychotropic drugs. Whhhaat?! It was to determine whether I needed to see a psychiatrist or a psychologist. Good grief. All I need is to talk to someone and get advice on how to cope with now and the next chapter of my life. I don't need some gourmet drug to add to the chemicals I am already being infused with every three weeks. Face it, I've been winging things to the best of my ability. Being positive and humorous can only get me so far if I don't have the necessary tools to deal with things as a whole and in the progression of things.

The situations and themes in my head are too heavy for my friends and family. As much support and love I receive, my emotions are too much for one or two people to take in right now. It is not fair of me to unburden myself. A professional is expecting it and is getting paid to listen and to help guide the average nutter. Knowing one needs help is good, but doing something about it is better.

There you have it.

Hugs,
Sprinkles

Professionally Speaking