Sick Humor

No countdown on the New Year -- we were too busy watching the latest Star Trek movie on cable. There was no fanfare, but there was comfort in being surrounded by friends who have known me a long time. That's way better!

Two days later Tawny came by to help me get some affairs in order. Too bad it wasn't the fun kind. I had received a welcome packet in the mail from Moffitt Cancer Center which included a full color brochure/booklet that was both friendly and informative plus a nice stack of paperwork I had to fill out. The first page outlined what I was to bring to my first appointment; however, the sobering portion of the page was the top right where a medical number was assigned to me. I know this is just part of procedure and is not a knell of anything in particular to come. Still. It is sobering.

I suggested Tawny to drive us to my aunt and uncle's in my car since I was uncomfortable, just not feeling up to par. The funny part was that we had to switch so I could drive after all. My ass grooves were molded to the drivers seat and made the ride more comfortable. The passenger seat made me favor the side that was sore. Maybe it is just psychosomatic and my need to be in control?

The visit to my aunt's was to get signatures and witnessing my wishes in a living will on what I want in case I end up in an vegetative state, etc. and to make my designation for a health care surrogate to make decisions for me in case I am incapacitated. I told my aunt and uncle as I filled out my portion that if a sexy man was on top of me incapacitating me at the hospital, they were to leave me alone. How else should one go in the next world? We all had a great chuckle.

Another errand and a lunch on the go, brought Tawny and me back to my apartment to help me with other paperwork and other little things I needed help doing. It is difficult to ask for help, but I know that I need to right now if I am going to be well until my next medical appointment. It will determine my day for open surgery to get this alien amoeba out of me. I eat less because it is pressing up against my organs yet as I lose weight it continues to re-assign itself around my midsection announcing itself in front of me like a shameless and knowing showman.

Don't fear my lovelies, if the phone conversation with my new doctor's nurse assistant today is anything to go by, I should have more laughs going through this journey. Apparently, I am not so special. There are others with bigger cysts that they've seen. She punctuated the news by iterating (in my words now...) what a rock star my doctor is and how well he is rated as a surgeon in his field. Just lovely. I'm going to need a really good poke.
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Sick Humor

Post Halloween

Just got home an hour ago from the other side of the apartment complex. I should be in bed now, but we have ended Daylight Savings Time and I had an extra hour. Might was well post while it is still fresh in my mind...

Tawny had an intimate evening of old horror flicks planned for her guests. Her apartment was dark, many candles were lit, had a bubbling cauldron by the dining area, snacks and sweets all over the table for us to nibble and plenty of good cheer.

I brought two dishes. Once was a plate of refrigerated croissant dough torn at random pieces to wrap around sliced smoked kielbasa sausage that were no bigger than two inches long. The nibbles were baked, speared with toothpicks before I arranged them around a ramekin of spicy mustard.

The other dish was a more spooky fare that tantalized my creativity...

BEFORE PICTURE




AFTER PICTURE



How? First I sliced the package of cream cheese into two equal parts and rolled them into a ball. They were placed together and mushed down a bit into the serving dish. I wasn't sure how it would work but I drew capillary-like furrows into the cream cheese before drizzling some barely warmed homemade red pepper jelly from my aunt over the mounds. I topped them with two small rounds of red pepper I cut to fit underneath the gummy eyeball candy. This was served with buttery crackers.

The craziest part of the evening was when I found myself unable to get out of Tawny's bathroom. I somehow managed to lock myself inside. Her husband and relatives were just in the bedroom next door looking at something on the Internet so I knocked, but no one answered. I didn't know they had left to go back into the living room where the TV was a bit loud. By this time I was giggling so hard I barely could talk on my cell phone. Tawny knew where I was and couldn't fathom why I was calling her from the bathroom. She was cracking up on the other line as she made her way to rescue me. It was several minutes before we could speak from laughing painfully. There is never a dull moment in Sprinklesville!
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Post Halloween

A Jewish Order

My guess is that the universe was trying to make up for my dismal weekend by infusing me with a dose of humor today. The music on the radio during the drive in was uplifting and upbeat. My ride in a crowded elevator from the garage was filled with laughter thanks to my naughty comments which one of the ladies playfully chided me. This particular lady has known me for a couple of years and shares with me a kindred gypsy soul.

I walked inside my floor feeling like Elvis wearing a jumpsuit while rocking a concert in Hawaii. No, I was not wearing a jumpsuit, but I had the vibe, I'm sure. My vibe also had no time for "Hound Dogs". Ha!

My groovy vibe was still in high gear when I went to get coffee from the break room. The gypsy lady from the elevator came in and teased that we had the same schedule. I told her about the three-part television series on PBS regarding the plight of Jews in America. My friend is Jewish and we often have a discussion on Judaism. I was talking to her about Jewish humor and the emergence of it in American culture in the 1950s and shared with her the jokes from Sid Caesar's television show. Before I left her completely in hysterics, I said something to her I've never voiced. I asked her to find me a good Jewish boy and I realized I was serious and told her as much. She said okay and then I reminded her I was turning 38 in January. Then we don't have much time, she joked. What a scream! She's right -- the blooms is wearing on the Asian flower. If she is successful, I will be in shiksa heaven and my Jewish man will have to get used to eating rice with his brisket or gifelte.

Lunch with the Asian Mafia was filled with (sexual) naughty talk. The Korean was regaling us with stories on her friends discussing sex toys and their impotent or sexually lazy husbands. Sharon and I listened with a resignation to laughing. The Vietnamese was missing in action while the Honorary Asian (Bridget) was busy doing her schoolwork at her desk. Well, they missed out on being told that we are going to be more sexually randy in our 40s while the men get more tired or have less interest. Yeah...I don't need to be amped up anymore than I am. Maybe I need to swing the pendulum age back to younger men and not keep my sights on the older men I've been favoring ever since I could remember. Older men do have their advantages...and yes disadvantages. The former far outweighing the latter for me though...For now.

Busy is my first name at work now. I can't believe how tired my eyes get by 4pm. If I don't look away from the screens, I feel nauseous. My eyes will have to get used to the new workload. My hands are also hoping for no carpal tunnel symptoms. I type so fast now that I get impatient with the network while I am quickly clicking and typing between software applications.

Angie called me in the evening. She asked me more about the rest of the weekend; I didn't know that I left her hanging on the blog entry from Saturday. I was very happy to report that Cabal and I were chillin' again in the crib.


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A Jewish Order

Possible Lightbulb Moment

Exhausted from the past two weeks and most recently from a cold, I guzzled coffee down to jump start my body on the way to see my hairstylist for a late morning appointment. She is always glad to see me as I am normally in a playful mood to make her laugh. I had doubts of my own powers this morning, but it came as soon as walked in.

Michelle: Go change into a gown darling...
AGOL: What you got designer now? Good because you know I am not cheap!

This made her laugh because she wasn't expecting it. My visit went insane from there. I can be quite the showgirl (as opposed to showman) without too much effort. She bragged on me to a lady whose hair was processing as Michelle touched up my roots. I told about the layoffs and the lady mentioned that her husband had gotten laid off. He has an extra hobby that they are trying to launch into a viable income.

For the most part helping people and giving ideas are a natural part of me. She described their business and when she contacts me, I will provide a link to her husband's uniquely handcrafted recycled glass art. Anyhoo ...before I knew it I was giving her some simple and free or low cost marketing ideas and online links. I explained about blogs and cross-referencing multiple sites. She became really excited. Right before she left, I gave her one more idea. Where do I get that? I said that she'd have to e-mail me from my blog... In the back of my mind, I had a lightbulb moment. What if I could parlay this into a side gig? I am a compendium of online knowledge and I am too creative for my own good with enough smarts to generate ideas. WOW! (KH, if you're reading this...I have more ideas already!)

My attention was diverted back to Michelle. We caught up on each others lives in detail and soon she was washing my hair of the colorant she had applied 30 minutes before. The devilish side of me was in full force as she began to cut my hair. I began to tell her about a recent sex partner and how he was good enough to trim his nether regions which is a requirement for me. Why? As much as I love giving a man special attention, I don't relish doing double duty of flossing my teeth at the same time. I know dental hygiene is important, but damn. OMG -- Michelle had never heard of such a thing. She died laughing and had to step away. Very quickly she was snorting and screaming laughing. She had to sit down. I have gotten her laughing pretty hard but never to this degree. Good thing it was just as two in the salon at that particular moment. There's more, but I can't share online to protect that person.

Oh gosh...Michelle would get herself under control and then burst out in the middle of styling my hair. She worried that she would lose control during a formal dinner outing that evening and during an intimate moment with her boyfriend who did take her hint/advice of doing the same thing before they ever became intimate... A long-time female client of hers walked in and she made me explain to her what made her laugh so much. I asked the lady if it was okay to explain since it was sexual in nature. You have to get an idea of people's comfort level first and permission before telling certain jokes, you know. I then explained it in such a manner that was innuendo instead of the crude way Michelle and I were discussing it. The woman was well in her 40s but she still had the grace to blush. I guess Michelle and I are a little too comfortable with the subject. It was a good diversion for all and sent Michelle into more gales of laughter.

With my hair a brilliant fire in the sun, I drove to get some dog food/treats for Cabal and sundry items for me. After I had been home a while, there was a commotion outside my apartment door. It was my neighbor moving out. She and her girlfriend had broken up months before. Unable to break the expensive lease, she's been toughing it out to keep living here. She was leaving after two years. This was sad because my upstairs neighbor was moving out, too, after five years. The upstairs gal was frustrated at getting things remedied within her apartment. Of course, she isn't assertive like me when it comes to such things. Where she is passive, I require a status report and call regularly. Hey, I am paying for that service. I have since had a wall in the bathroom replaced and received a new dishwasher. Still...I've been here for a little over three years. Maybe I should move, too? It is too expensive and too much an undertaking with all my stuff.

The evening had me puttering around my apartment while thinking of the marketing moment earlier. I see many artists and when I see them, my mind is already generating ideas for them on who they can get maximum exposure... I guess I am still working on that part of finding my bliss. The idea that you enjoy doing something so much, you would do it for free. My dilemma? I have too many things I would do for free. Um..no...not that unique flossing bit...not commercially anyway. Wink.

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Possible Lightbulb Moment

Behaving Badly

How bad can your day be when you log into work and one of your very best friends (Tawny) asks you via IM when you can leave for happy hour? Not really bad in the sense of being horrible, but in the naughty sense when you should be getting work done.

Had a two hour meeting with a vendor before lunch that occupied me and kept me good. I am lying. It is rare for me to see men in suits in the age of casual fare let alone a shirt with French cuffs. I have a weakness for French cuffs; this man's cuff links were winking at me from across the conference table every time he moved his hands. Dammit. It didn't help that a different sexy man (not the one from Sunday) was sending me teasing pics on my cell during the meeting.

A lunch run downstairs should have been innocuous. Not with Bridget. We were piling on our salads from the salad bar when Bridget started to get a little mental. Stifling our laughter while trying to scoop vegetables was a challenge. We were the recipients of some curious looks. Like we cared...

Your AGOL became the heroine who rescued coffee enjoyment in the break room. My facilities contact from the other building was generous enough to bring and leave me the flavored coffee I had requested the day before (Almond Amaretto, Pecan Praline and Chocolate Raspberry) on my desk. This location never had those choices. Pity. Bridget and I bemoaned the lack out loud our first day. We're so rude. One guy came around the AGOL's Luau Lounge (read as tacky Hawaiian decorated cubicle) and thanked me personally for making it happen. The flavors will now be a part of the regular order placed for this facility. Yeah, baby!

At 5pm, Bridget and I bolted for the Blue Martini to meet a few of our friends. It was great to see Tawny and Jeff. Working in the new building has us missing them and a few others. The martinis went straight to our heads. We ordered some food to counteract the alcohol. Bridget became a little outrageous by screaming and gesturing as well as dancing with total strangers near our tables. Everyone loved the spectacle; she was having a great time. I had Tawny and Susan from our table double-check on Bridget when she hadn't come back from the restroom in a reasonable amount of time. She was busy talking to two very handsome men. It was a well-deserved night out for Bridget. The atmosphere allowed her to be surrounded by more professional men or higher caliber of men. Her own relationship was teetering lately.

Just a few peeps of my peeps.


Headed home around 8-ish and WITH a trip to Starbucks to get caffeine for the ride home. I called Angie to keep me company on the highway for several minutes...Lisa called when I came home. It's been a while since I have really spoken with her and now that I am in the other building, we will have to make a concerted effort in the future.

Gosh. I'm tired -- it takes a great amount of energy to behave badly. Who knew?
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Behaving Badly

Seven Positive Things About My Life

I was tagged by Badgerdaddy to do my own as another blogger had tagged him. Here we go...

7 positive things about my life:

1. I am alive and resilient...For the most part, I just roll with the punches. Life is a constant challenge and some mornings I would just love to stay in bed. That is not how life works. Sooner or later you have to get up or the cops will be knocking on your door to make sure rigor mortis hasn't set in. I surprise myself at my resilience during the tough times. What other people consider a complete test of endurance, is just something to weather. When you lose your mother at a young age after settling in a new country and a new life for only six months, everything else is cake. I owe it to the universe to be alive.
   
2. I have a loving support band...My family and friends are always just a call away for strength and support. They usually call me first when I hit a crisis mode because they know I will hesitate to be the one call first. I've raised myself to be very independent that it is hard to relax sometimes to let other help, but when I see that it makes them happy to help me, I cave in. They love me and I have to let them express that love.
   
3. I am extremely creative...I have a good eye for things. Maybe that comes with growing up without television for a period of my life (too many break ins). The veins in which it shows can be seen through my writing, my decorating, make-up artistry, my artwork, my cooking, gift wrapping, event planning, people skills, and how I resolve problems. I can be given one thing to think about and come up a with a dozen things about it five minutes later. My mind is at the speed of light, I'd like to think. I am hardly ever bored.
   
4. I have a knack of making people see beyond their current selves...Living in several places and having several jobs has afforded me the opportunity to touch many lives. I have a unique perspective on things and I know the influence I have wielded in several people. To help them realize that they are more than what they are. I help them recognize their strengths and talents. My encouragement gives them the strength to persevere and (the best part) try new things!
   
5. I am a talented cook...I listed this separately because it is important to me and I consider it a big positive in my life. The whole process of conceiving a recipe or reading one, going to shop for it, cooking all the ingredients, plating the meal and finally serving the finally product are very meditative for me. I collect recipes from other people because I get the stories with it that helps me remember them. Food is one of the simplest ways to connect with people even strangers. I also love to teach what I know and I have had many instances whether one-on-one or in a classroom setting. Still simmering the idea of becoming a cooking host for a show. Damn, I can't wait for that idea to boil. You know what they say about a watched pot...
   
6. I am true to myself...There are a few things I would love to change about myself, but for the most part I do really like me. I don't want anyone else's face, but the body of Angelina Jolie would be nice. Ha! I strive to be an original and not copy others.
   I am my own brand of person to everyone. I have my own "isms" that people who know me recite back to me. I rarely follow a crowd. To me, other people have that covered so I don't have to. I carry a brass set so the meek need not apply. I may be swimming upstream most of the time, but the sites are better seen at the slower speed as you pass them by.
   
7. I giggle a lot...My sense of humor is out of control. Most of the jokes I know are either naughty or downright filthy. I love to make others laugh especially during more somber moments. My friend Trish from San Francisco calls me "her giggle friend" and she rings me when she needs a fix. I can find the humor in anything or anyone. My giggle is infectious. There is a video somewhere in this blog where I am giggling almost the whole time. This is a special gift I have...or maybe the straight jacket is around the corner. Who knows? (giggling)
   

...And for those who are not up on all this goodness, please visit this site.
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Seven Positive Things About My Life

Naughty Double Entendres

Oh my gosh. The coughing has got to stop. Sleep was once again interrupted not only by coughing fits, but two weird text messages I didn't quite hear through the medicinal haze of the cold/flu tablet I took. The reminder beep bothered Cabal who kept waking me up. I was getting frustrated with him, but didn't realize the beeping was occurring until a bit later. Trish from San Francisco (3 hours behind me) was the text messaging culprit.

Was late getting started which meant I was late getting to pick up my cousin Angie at my aunt's house. I had spent some time on the Internet trying to clear my head and wake up. Received a nice note back from Pete. (He is still MEBFKAY, but I am now referring to him by his given name.) It is nice to finally get on an even ground with him after sporadic e-mails back and forth. He's still a good man in my eyes and I still value him. The world is too small and life is too short to waste good connections with good people just because one decides to take a sudden left turn when you thought you were both turning right. You get the idea. It wasn't easy getting to this point, but that's what being a real grown-up is all about...

I arrived at my aunt's where a late breakfast was being served. Delay. Once we finished, my aunt announced that we could stay and sit with Nan while she got dressed and made a trip to the oriental store. Delay. My uncle saved the afternoon when he got home from playing golf. I still had a dozen people to buy for!!

Well, I was able to buy a couple of presents, but not all. The mall was packed. I was blessed with parking close to an entrance. A large Caramel Macchiato from Starbucks made it into my system. Ooh, coffee. One more major stop before dropping Angie off so I could get ready for Jeff and Tawny's Christmas party. It took me an hour to get home thanks to insane holiday traffic.

I wrapped four presents to bring to the party. Black was the color I dressed in from head to toe and accented with sparkling crystal jewelry. I made a decision to take my time and arrive later. My cold/flu helped make that decision. Apparently, I waited too long. The party started at 7pm and Tawny texted me at 7:40pm to find out if I was coming over (a five minute walk across the complex).

Jeff and Tawny had a nice spread of Christmas decorations, libations and food to counteract the generous libations. Everything was conducive to having a fun holiday party. Saw my best-loved friends and was surrounded in the security of their love. It was a great feeling.

Laughing. I laughed from the time I arrived to the time I left at midnight. Sitting next to me was taking your health into your own hands if you valued breathing normally. John and his life partner Ryan were sitting on one end of the leather sofa. I decided to sit next to them. John laughed at everything I said. Truth be told, I was being a whole lot devilish and full of naughty double entendres. (I was fortunate not to have additional coughing fits. That malady awaits until I am sleeping for some reason.) My naughty notions were repaid when Dan sat next to us and began to lay on me about things in our past. I might have blushed a little and took the teasing like a good AGOL. Several joined in on the fun until I got up to go to the other side of the room. I forgot there were plenty of AGOL stories to tell. Ha!

I left at midnight to walk the dog and to try and get some sleep before the alarm sounded off at 5am. Jeezus.
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Naughty Double Entendres