One of her blog videos summed up how I am dealing with my dis-ease. She talked about the difference between merely surviving and conquering situations in your life. Basically anyone who is still alive after traumatic situations survives it and is a survivor. Those who take charge and own the situation conquer and become conquerors. This label being special and unique as it denotes owning the situation rather than merely enduring.
This brings me to the last couple of days. My last post was about my new haircut which I love more each day. Yesterday was my rescheduled doctor visit -- it was supposed to be tomorrow but my doctor had other plans. Tawny was unable to take me because she had an interview in the morning. Luckily for Sprinkles, Tawny's husband Jeff volunteered to drive me as he had already taken the day off for other things.
My doctor took off the rest of the tape strips across my stitches and decided to leave on my wound vac dressing. He could see that I was progressing nicely and in great spirits. His next words brought me back a little. Chemotherapy was on his mind -- more importantly, me being part of a clinical drug trial. I was thrilled to be able to help or so I thought.
Minutes later I was being briefed by a nurse about the clinical trial. It would involve including an additive to the chemo mix I would be infused with during the next several months; otherwise, it could be a placebo because of the blind testing they were conducting. The more she talked, the more I was slightly dismayed and quite horrified at the side effects not to mention the extra CT scans, etc. She piled on a bunch of brochures and pamphlets for me to read and to assist me in making a decision very soon.
Jeff drove us to get a late breakfast before he took me home. I discussed the doctor's visit. We are of the same mind of helping science progress; however, I was just not fully on board inside. It was my uncle who helped me feel better about the decision not to participate. He reminded me that I am a single person with a single income living by myself and that I have a responsibility not only to myself but to work (for income). It would be different if someone would be there in the middle of the evening next to me to help me should I have adverse reactions. His words resonated and my inner voice reminded me that I have already donated my tumor to them for research so it wasn't a complete "no" to the progression of science. Tomorrow I get to tell them...
Today I visited my workplace to speak with HR and to tell my boss about my tentative date to get back to work on March 15th. My surgeon wants me to have one interval of chemotherapy before I go back to work to see how I react to the chemicals. I won't lie -- I was a bit depressed to wait longer to resume my job. He also told me that I would lose my hair pretty quickly. Nice. In an odd note, I will get a prescription for a wig to be paid by my insurance. I would like it soon so I can have it styled to what I have now. I will temporarily assume the persona of Telly Savalas. As soon as chemo is done, I will grow my hair again and wait to get extensions when they are long enough to hold them. Yes, Shallowville never ever sleeps in Sprinklesville! Hee.
Back to the work visit...Everyone seemed stunned to see the new Sarah. I've lost 38 pounds now since the surgery a month ago which obviously makes a big difference in how I look. The new haircut didn't help them either. Ha!
It is my responsibility to set the tone when meeting people after my surgery and my tone is almost always effervescent. This made today's visit fun. There were a couple of people treating me with a "pity approach" in their way of trying to be sensitive. How I detest this!!! It just drives me crazy with annoyance. Pity is not me. To iterate, we are approaching this dis-ease with a project plan (July completion date) and with humor. If you are not on board with that, then I cannot associate with you. I will be goddamned if I spend the next several months mewling and walking around half dead in spirit and in body. I am set to conquer this and not merely survive. Dis-ease is not a reason to give up, look ugly and lose your humor. I am making every effort for health and beauty. We all respond to positivity. That is HOW I ROLL.
Love and Health,
Sprinkles xxoo
PS I am going back to my apartment either Monday night or sometime Tuesday barring unforeseeable circumstances. I have a "honey do" list that my girlies will be helping me complete as I progress in the best of health.
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