Spaces in Between

RECENT NOTE TO MY GLAMOROUS FRIEND JILL:

So my dear...I wanted badly to see you over Christmas for lunch or something but I've been dealing with matters that are taking precedence, namely my health.

The protusion in my stomach is not just fat, but an ovarian cyst about 25 cm/10in. in size. I look 9 months preggo right now and my legs are swollen to capacity thanks to less circulation. How did I find out?

I was checking out *** and had a consult with a surgeon because of my burgeoning tummy. I was eating less but it was getting bigger so I thought I was just out of control somehow. I told him my stomach was distended more than it should be and was firm. He examined me and agreed and immediately ordered a CT scan and that's when he told me at our follow-up that it could be cancer and he made arrangements for an urgent appt with my gyno.

Met with gyno two days ago who has since scheduled me for a meeting with a gynecological oncologist at Moffitt for next Wednesday. The results for the blood drawn on Monday will be ready for that appt. We still don't know for sure but what I do know is that the size explains all the weird things happening to me and will be relieved once extracted through open surgery. I will be recovering at my aunt's in Brandon after.

To me, this is just another piece of news. I told my family we are approaching this with a project plan and with humor. Anything less is not acceptable. I have already lived through worse so this is nothing. Also, to put things in perspective, I am not a child burn victim or a dad who just lost his job and home while trying to figure out how to feed his wife and kids nor am I a mom with cancer figuring out how to take care of her kids.

The bad news is having to wear elastic waistband jeans. EWWW
The good news to me is that I finally have some answers and I am gonna lose some weight!

Just letting you know..

Hugs,
S

JILL'S RESPONSE:

I would start out with the OMG's and WTF's but we dont' have time for that....

I am here for you. I will call you after my lunch appointment so we can plan out the "divicious" plan of attack-that word is (Div ISH IS).

First and formost...fashion...what makeup will you wear in surgery....what lounguing outfits should we buy? Oh the details. I am not making light of this AT ALL...but we must handle this with our everlasting positive attitude and sense of humor, there is no other way to get through this. I love you very much my friend and I will call you in a few hours. Everything will be OK.

SPRINKLES RESPONSE:

You are my honey! I was thinking the same thing. Need to find some hot pink socks and I need to figure out my air fresheners for my room because I am not smelling hospital smells. Ick. xo

....................................................

This is the kind of friendship(s) I have in my life... Tawny has been with me at every appointment if she is able, being patient and supportive. My cousin Angie just bought me pink comfy and sensible slippers for the hospital (as opposed to the ones with maribou feathers I secretly like) -- as well as lots of other incredibly nice things she does everyday for me especially during her Christmas visit! My galpals at work have helped me re-tie my shoes and re-adjust my chairs for comfort. Kathy listens and offers words of encouragement that I've normally given her in the past. Kristey and Myrna are there, too, just waiting for me to say the word 'help'. I can't even begin to tell you about my family...

I just love everyone so much and want it all to be better. It is the spaces in between these appointments that try my patience and my independence. At least I have Las Vegas neon pink socks and vanilla air fresheners to look forward to when this alien juice is out of me. ;p

Joy and Magic to all of us in the New Year!

Love,
Sprinkles xxxoo
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Spaces in Between

Inside Look

Bile. It began to feel like bile if my imagination of what bile might really feel like when it was sloshing in my stomach. Within 12 hours, I had ingested four cups of berry-flavored contrast or iodine dye and one more generous cup of citrus-flavored contrast at the hospital this morning. It had the faintest lingering taste at the end that was not too pleasant. My stomach was protesting at the contents and at missing breakfast in order to complete my scheduled CT scan this morning.

What CT scan, AGOL?

While seeing a specialist for something else on Tuesday, he became alarmed at symptoms I was describing and began to examine my person with the requisite female nurse present. Several minutes later, he ordered a CT scan for my abdomen and pelvis at the hospital next door to his facility for today. The CT scan will allow him a "slice by slice" inside look of my organs to see if there is any obstruction or growth not belonging in a healthy human.

I recently found myself mysteriously able to eat half or a third less of what I normally consumed but my stomach had gained inches and parts were firmer than normal. The latter part had been happening gradually over the last couple of years. No, I was not in any danger of being pregnant -- my body was just starting to look like it. It was distorted to me. It had finally become embarrassing and uncomfortable enough to seek medical help. I am rarely ever sick, never had a broken bone or any kind of surgery in my life. For me to finally break down was difficult personally and emotionally.

During this morning's special x-ray, I was asked to lay down on top of a sheet covered slim platform. My feet were fed first inside a circular metal mouth housing the special instrument. The radiologist finished right below my breasts. Sometimes I had to hold my breath for 6 or 13 seconds during several passes back and forth. The strangest burning sensation of wanting urinate immediately also followed the additional IV of dye being forced through my body via the needle sticking out of my right arm.

The two good things of this experience were that I didn't have to take jewelry or clothing off and the whole thing lasted less than 30 minutes. Next to the imaginary bile was the surreal aloneness (if that makes sense) I felt while being in the room with the CT scan and the radiologist stationed in a different room to administer and adjust the machine. It was eerily quiet except for the hum of the giant x-ray and instructions being squawked through the microphone.

When I was finally released, I was able to escape the catacomb-like halls of the hospital with a patient wristband and a small bandage where my IV needle had been. I had valet parked my car so retrieving it in the rain was easy. The rainy weather was soothing...

I debated whether to write about this experience because for the many things I do share there are another set of events I do not. Tuesday seems like forever to discuss my results, but that is when my follow-up with my specialist is set. He is a surgeon specializing in laparoscopic surgery; his expertise gives me comfort and trust. In fact, he was the one who recently removed Tawny's husband's gallbladder.

Am I prepared for a diagnosis? Yes. I have already started to plan for different scenarios that included e-mails with HR on handling time-off for surgery should it come to that. I have also extrapolated for a more serious scenario. It is not that I am trying to "borrow trouble" or "write stories that aren't there", but I firmly believe you cannot have a Pollyanna mentality that everything is roses. How naive and stupid. One should always run different ideas in his/her head to not feel shock or hopelessness. I firmly believe in pre-planning which helps dispel the fear of what happens next.

My practicality shifts into overdrive in situations like this while my emotional considerations get pushed back until I allow it a voice or acknowledge its presence. It would be an unwanted nuisance until I find out more. Believe me it is fighting for a voice right now. I can feel pinpricks of tears at the oddest moments until I steel myself against them. There is no room right now. This new goddamn birth control I switched to makes it more difficult to squelch such a feminine response. Ugh.

There are events this weekend that will take my mind off things. Angie is flying in from Los Angeles for Christmas around 5am tomorrow. My aunt and uncle will retrieve her from the airport while I sleep under my new warm IKEA comforter. I will see her later when I meet up with Mi Familia for Kristen's dance recital -- I can't wait!
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Inside Look