Sarah Sprinkles

Nietzsche Knows

2011-10-08T19:41:00.006-05:00

Cool gusty winds lifted my hair today. (Smiling) I cannot recall the last time that happened...

It has been eight weeks since my last chemo and it was the most difficult one. For four additional hours I was subjected to a two-pint blood transfusion. My lower back was also a spasm of pain most of the day which caused me to adopt different positions to try and relieve it without taking pain medicine. Even knowing all this, I would do it all over.

Steroids were again a part of my chemo care regimen. It came with baggage though -- an extra 25 pounds of weight on my body on top of the weight I need to lose. Since re-joining Weight Watchers eight weeks ago, I have lost 15!

My health motto taken from a shirt on bodybuilding.com is "Rise from Weakness". Last year's chemo recovery was not easy so I took a time off this time around two weeks ago to try and make my way to the gym to restart a weight lifting regimen with my coach at 5am. Yes, 5! A nasty alarm wakes me up at 4am Monday through Friday so I can get geared up and eat a pre-workout snack of one banana and seven pieces of raw almonds plus water. Oh yes -- my mouth looks like it is filled with Chiclets when I smile at my Jamaican coach each morning. The joy I feel is immense even when my muscles protest from underuse and chemo recovery...

My home address is new but I have not moved. The emergency network insisted on my apartment complex updating their address system to make it easier on them in case they are needed. A mobile vehicle from the Department of Motor Vehicles was parked in my parking area for everyone to change their driver's license (for free!) to reflect the change of address. I wanted to change my address earlier this year, but this is not exactly what I had imagined.

On the same vein, my UK company has sold off the Healthcare division. I was a casualty of the split that will be finalized in November. My job was moved to the Healthcare side as part of the divestiture. I get to drive to work in the same building but just work under a new company name and with a new manager yet to be named. Mind you, I started out at the Healthcare division and I have been supporting them for six years so the change is more paperwork than anything. I am still happy.

My bigger personal projects are still simmering on the burner; however, I am very proud to inform you that I completed my first quilt. Buoyed by this accomplishment, I also designed and put together a bed scarf as well as recovered my frou-frou pillows to match my new duvet set. I may have finally conquered my fear of sewing!

Sigh.

For now I have to concentrate on my job and improving my health. A quote from Nietzsche sums it up, “He who has a why can endure any how." My whys are worth every step no matter how small or difficult. I think of that each time I see my hair and wince. It has grown much longer, but chemo thinned it out by more than half. Through the magic of a curling iron, brush techniques and a fumigation of hairspray, I still manage to receive compliments on it from strangers. If they only knew how I cannot wait to have my full crown again. I need a bigger crown to rule over Sprinklesville! Ha. My hair is coming back more and more each day judging by the havoc the wind did on it today. It was a nice reminder that things are coming along nicely.

Love,
Sarah

Chemoberia

2011-07-08T11:55:00.003-05:00

I exaggerate. It is not quite Chemoberia. Before you get excited, this is a postage stamp post to say I am still living and doing well...

Since I last posted I have completed Cycle #4 of 6 sets of chemotherapy. Cycle #3 was ugly -- dizziness and being seriously tired for almost two weeks. Recovering from Cycle #4 has been a cakewalk compared to #3. All in all I am still happy and have lots of hair even though it has thinned significantly. I went from looking like Joanie Cunningham (Happy Days) to Betty Boop.

My life is being planned and lived like it is Golden. More later; I have to secure my own raft as it has been a continuous deluge here in Trampa. Extra oars, anyone?

Kisses,
Sprinkles

Third Compartment

2011-05-08T19:29:00.004-05:00

Coping with my current life has forced me to put aspects of it in three distinct compartments. The first is "dealing with cancer" since it is in the forefront. The second is "work" where I challenge myself to not let the first compartment overtake the kind of progress I am trying to make. The third compartment is a place where I've struggled to be in since December 2009 and that place is "just being me".

What is "just being me" about? It is where: I am not a cancer patient... I am not an employee... I am not a daughter... I am not a sister or friend... I am not a cooking expert or frustrated artist. I am just the core of me and not the shell of roles I have acquired on my journey. It is a place where I can look at me and recognize the Divine Spark I have been entrusted with on this Earth. When I look at that Divine Spark it is where I also get to gaze at it and find out what I am supposed to really do to give of my life and use it to its best.

Of course, I would be lying to you if I also didn't include a fourth compartment of being a partner/spouse to an incredible man who allows me the freedom to be in that third compartment. He would also not be intimidated by that surety in my sense of self as well the things I want to accomplish as it relates to my contribution to humanity. Sigh... I am working on one compartment at a time for now.

____

On Friday, I had the pleasure of hosting a small dinner party. It was a bit last minute by my plan ahead standards. We dined like kings on Italian fare. I put together an antipasto platter that had variety and also beauty in its presentation. The entree was red sauce with hot Italian sausage over thin spaghetti which was accompanied by slices of sesame seed crusted baguette broiled with a compound butter I made the night before. The wine flowed but not for me since any alcohol is prohibited with my chemo.

The following picture was of dessert. I purchased the mini cannolis and the petit fours. Dutch cocoa powder was dusted all over the white plates. I placed a fork over the plate and then dusted with powdered sugar so I could achieve a silhouette of the fork before I plated the tender sweets next to it.

Today was Mother's Day and I did visit my aunt to give her tulips and some petit fours. I also brought my uncle two chocolate glazed donuts as a treat. My aunt made us a sweet and sour fish lunch. It was quite tasty!

I shopped after at the local crafts shop where I was determined to buy garland and a wire wreath to make my new wreath for the front door. The set I had was tired looking and I was of the mind to improve my feng shui. My heart was charmed with a new welcome mat I found. I took one look at it and the French word "bicyclette" came to mind. It had to come home with me. The floral design on the mat matches my wreath nicely.

Whorls of hair have taken over my head thanks to the previous chemo. I am reticent to cut them since my hair will get thinner as the new chemo goes on. Today I surprised myself by taking the picture below. I wanted to share what I looked like at the moment. The curls in the back are full. It doesn't look like the "me" I know, but here you have it.

I guess it is not that bad. ;p

Love and Hugs,
Sprinkles

Kimo the Elephant

2011-04-25T18:19:00.003-05:00

Florence and the Machine's "Dog Days are Over" was looped repeatedly in my car last Thursday morning. I love the first line, "Happiness, hit her like a train on a track." And that is exactly was Sprinkles got that morning.

Bridget at work wanted to do something special for me since she new part of my spirits had been dampened by the anticipation of this particular chemo. She enlisted the help of her son's 3rd grade teacher and came up with the best "Happiness". The whole class made me homemade cards with encouragement of hope against cancer and they gave me a stuffed elephant to keep me company during my chemotherapy. I was so stunned and overwhelmed that I cried. I love children and to have these little beings make/send me (a stranger!) homemade cards made my cup runneth over. I have since named my new soft friend Kimo!

Meet Kimo and see the stack of cards next to him:

I must have held on to Kimo tighter the next day. It went well, but a little weird. My port was giving me issues so they had to infuse all the drugs in my arm. The nurse was unsure of chemo going into the port. I have a dye-study scheduled (hopefully) this Friday during my short chemo day. My aunt escorted me and I had the pleasure of being recognized by someone from my Ovacome group as well as the techs and nurses at the infusion center... Jeezus, I need another hangout.

Good news -- my boss went to bat for me with our benefits team. I am no longer paying $50 for one of my after chemo meds. They have overridden it with the drug company and I will be paying $25 instead. So from $73 to $48 every three weeks instead. Hooray!

Just to keep me on geeky track, here is something I came up with to help me with taking these things. It is not foolproof - this fool forgot to take the pink section all day yesterday. Sigh. It was just for anti-nausea -- luckily, I was okay.

Working today was not bad because the blue section was not on today. Those drugs make my brain woozy. Will work from home again tomorrow just to be sure... I did experience a little feathering in my hearing today like I did at my aunt's house on Sunday. It was not a strong thing and didn't keep me from enjoying my cousin's kids. I guess it comes and goes. Everyday is a new adventure in side-effects. You can never say cancer is boring for sure!

Kisses,
Sprinkles xo

SIDE NOTE: On the Dog Days video, it kinda reminds me of Captain Kirk's Quaalude induced sex dreams if you could imagine such a thing. What do you think?

Channeling Churchill

2011-04-17T09:28:00.008-05:00

Once again, I am "greeting inevitability with a smile". My new chemo treatment begins this coming Friday, April 22nd. Accepting this next phase has been more difficult than I thought it would be.

Wednesday was my appointment with my surgeon and his team to discuss my chemotherapy treatment. I reminded him about the allergic reaction in Cycle 6 to Carboplatin, one of the cocktail ingredients of last year's treatments. He then made the decision to treat me with Cisplatin. I started to laugh when he said this particular drug causes kidney damage and more nausea. Oh, joy.

We also discussed the after care drugs. I told him I would rather do the same surgery we just did than take the after care drugs that messed with my brain days after each chemo treatment. He said it would have to be discussed with the pharmacist and the nurse. All in all my surgeon foresees me doing well especially when he reminded me how sick I was last year when I went through treatment. It was not a total comfort to me. Things got more upsetting when the pharmacist came to discuss the chemo drugs.

A specialized pharmacist bearing short pretty bobbed blond hair and a cheery patterned dress with a sweet angelic face came to see me. No, her heavenly presence did not diminish the gravity of her words. She confirmed the Cisplatin causes kidney damage and more nausea. I then asked her how would we know? Would I pee blood? "No," she says -- "It will show up in the blood work." Great, a silent killer. More assurances of being able to reverse or stop the side effects spilled from her mouth. Oh yes -- there is also a chance of some hearing loss. Sigh. What about the Gemzar portion? What exactly does that drug do? In her calm angelic way, "It messes with your RNA and DNA....to stop things from growing." Goddamn it, are you fucking kidding me?! (Remember...all these drugs are poisons designed to treat cancer.)

Next my surgeon's specialized nurse came in. We discussed the aftercare drugs and my feelings on it in great detail. They looked at the dosage prescription for the chemo which was surprisingly lighter than they thought. Instead of having two drugs for after chemo drugs, I will have four drugs staged to minimize nausea and brain fog. Later I found out that instead of paying about $12 every three weeks, I will be paying $70+ because one drug is not standard and my insurance company will not cut me a break on pricing.

I must must must remember I am being treated in the No. 4 ranking facility in the U.S. and that my surgeon is the best in the department. I must must must also remember that I am in a better place than last time. My new scar has healed nicely and looks fabulous. Hell, I look fabulous thanks to more weight loss and my determination to look extraordinarily normal and beautiful. I will experience some hair loss, but not a total one like last year which is a plus if you're trying to retain your own beauty during chemo.

There was one unexpected news... Tab has gotten engaged and is getting married today. After I told him off in December to stop our association even as friends/acquaintances, his now wife has managed to be employed in my company in the same building starting while I was out on medical leave. Of course, being the Class A Jerk he is, he also managed to instant message me last Monday to "say hello". He didn't know I already knew of this new development prior to my first day back to work so I made sure to make a preemptive strike and ask him how she enjoyed her new employment and commented on her engagement ring I saw earlier in the day. His response was dead silence for several moments until he recovered and prattled on and on regarding his new wonderful life. I wasn't so accommodating. He soon lost interest and was tired of getting insulted. (For some reason, he keeps coming back for conversation when he thinks my temper has cooled off. He banks on my forgiving nature.) Two great things came out of this: 1) I feel nothing when I see his fiance/wife and 2) I felt more of nothing when he contacted me. Hooray for Sprinkles!

Quilting...yes, I have taken it on. Since I cannot practice my other womanly arts (wink), I might as well take on a more leisurely one. Last weekend, I took a road trip with Kimmee and Quilting Cathy to shop four quilt shops where fabric was a calming drug. I am halfway through my first one. That one is being named "Manila Sunrise". A pic will be posted when it is completed.

It is near noon... I should make a nice lunch and work my plans for preparing for chemo, minimizing side-effects from chemo and getting through it. My surgeon wants to do 6 cycle sets which should have completion in August. My support system of family and friends keeps me going when I start to have doubts. I am often reminded that I am important to many people.

It is essential for you to know that I am doing great; I just have to dig deeper in my faith to keep my smiles. Luckily, the well is Infinitely Deep and will not ever run out as long as I never, never, never give up. Think Churchill.

Love and Blessings,
Sarah Sprinkles
xxoo

Dianne's Delivery

2011-04-01T20:51:00.008-05:00

Today I ventured into the world by myself. I went shopping for a spell at one store. After over an hour, my wound area became a little achy. Perhaps I should have worn my band around it like I do when I go to sleep. When I started to feel tired, I went home to prepare for Dianne's (aka Possum) visit.

How do you react when you receive a gift like this?

Dianne may have delivered it, but it was actually from her Filipino co-worker Mario. He is such a nut and thought these things would go well together and be a funny gift. I had no choice but to laugh hard. This is what happens when you get two crazy friends into an Asian market. Laughter is the best medicine I am telling you!

On the other hand, Dianne also brought me two hand fans, sesame cookies and these cute solar-powered Lucky Cats from her. (I mistakenly always call these Happy Cats.) Their heads bob from side to side thanks to the solar panel. These are the only cats I love. I can't wait to bring them to work so I can smile every time I look at them.

We made our way to a local restaurant after I opened all my gifts and had a great time catching up and laughing. Her visit was a great cheer-me-up. I had been feeling a little down after my shopping earlier when my body was reminding me that I am still healing from a big surgery. It is the stuff that can mess with your spirit and mind. Luckily, my new cats set me on the right path.

Hugs,
Sprinkles
xo

Vitamins Make Me

2011-03-31T23:59:00.001-05:00

Roaming through the Photo Gallery on my phone unearthed some photos I have been meaning to share. Actually, my new brand of vitamins still have me wide-awake. I have already played on facebook and will have posted three items in my bloggie today after publishing these pics...

I learned how to make rainbow cupcakes and now I love doing them in different colors not just these tie-dye colors seen here. All you have to do is separate the cupcake batter into four disposable plastic cups or small bowls then mix enough food gel color to saturate each cup or bowl with a different color and mixing well. Take a spoonful of one color and fill each cupcake liner that you've already placed in the cupcake pan. Continue filling each liner with one color at a time but no more than 2/3 up the liner. It needs room to puff up. Bake as directed, cool cupcakes, frost/decorate and voila!

Can you believe this was in my pre-op folder? I wish this would have been included in my first surgery packet. It would have made things a lot easier. Like I always say, "Fiber Makes You Sexy".

When I was handed this quilt over dinner a week before my surgery, I was so overwhelmed that I started to cry. This is a big beautiful quilt -- twin size! Look at all the work my friends Kimmee and Cathy put into this. Each scrap was sewn; the fabric theme was Asian. The backing is that light teal you see on the edge. Each square in this quilt is a teal fabric center for Ovarian Cancer. I slept with this in the hospital and will continue to have it during chemo.

Some people have wedding favors or giveaways, I had "surgery favors". If you visited me in the hospital, you would have received a bag of chocolates and a cute-size bottled water I relabeled for the occasion. I also made chocolate cupcakes but I forgot to take pics of those.

There you have it for the pics. As for other stuff today, my shrinky dink was delighted to see me and remarked on how well I looked. She wasn't alarmed when I told her about going back to work on Monday. I basically gave her an update since I last saw her two days before my surgery and I expressed my plan of attack for work and for chemo involving new vitamins, etc.

I was supposed to go out more today, but the Tampa area had a lot of tornado warnings. The deluge washed away any notions of driving around town. Even HSN (Home Shopping Network) which is filmed in St. Petersburg was experiencing flickering power during their Martha Stewart Craft segment. Our portion of Florida was wetter than wet!

Kisses,
Sprinkles

PS It is a bit past midnight and I am still wide-awake. These new vitamins are either weird or amazing! What do you think?

My Chauffeur

2011-03-27T23:59:00.002-05:00

It all started with the question of a hat and this is what I opened the door to this afternoon:

This was Mark, my dear friend Sandy's husband, who picked me up at my aunt's house to take us to another great friends' home for a belated St. Patrick's Day feast. Sandy had asked him if he had a hat that he could wear to pick me up and before she knew it, he had delved deep into his bag of tricks to find a complete ensemble of the bowler hat, the strange glasses, the crazy teeth and the tux with button red lips on the collar. You should have seen the looks on my aunt and uncle's faces when I introduced him. It was a total scream!

I am always humbled by people's extra efforts. This is one pick-up I will likely not forget for a long time. The best part of this for me was the bowler hat...of course!

Winks,
Sarah

Grating Coconut

2011-03-24T23:59:00.005-05:00

You guys know how much I adore my Aunt Maria. During my recovery at her home, I got to reconnect with her like we have not in a very long time...

On this day, I bellied up to the granite bar surrounding a part of her newly remodeled kitchen. She was in the middle of preparing Filipino food for a Filipina friend. I decided to search youtube for videos containing songs in her native dialect WarayWaray. After that I found songs in the main dialect Tagalog and in particular one of her favorite singers from back in the day Pilita Corales. I forgot what torch song was playing but the vignette of watching my aunt hunkering down grating coconut between her legs using this old school device in her granite and stainless steel kitchen was more than I could handle. You just can't take the Farmer Girl out of her!

There is a funny video with me narrating and laughing but I am not allowed to post it. All I have for you is a snapshot of my aunt sans the grater to show a portion of her new kitchen. If you watch the hyperlink on the device, you will see a similar one she was using.

Can you believe she just turned 66 years old? May God bless me with her aging genes!

Smiles,
Sarah

Staple Pulling Contest

2011-03-23T23:44:00.004-05:00

What a difference a day makes! Yesterday, I was ready to tear pillows apart and today I am elated from visiting the cancer center where more people than I dare admit recognized me and said hello. It is kind of creepy when a volunteer greets you at the reception desk by your first name before you have even uttered a word. This part of the center sees about 100 patients a day!

The staple pulling contest was painless compared to last year's experience and barely lasted 15 minutes. A very skilled nurse practitioner who took the staples out also briefed me again on my surgery and she informed me that I had five hernia sacs extracted along with the mini tumors. WTF? She cautioned me against lifting heavy items for 4-6 months. I asked her about working out and she said that I should avoid abdominal exercises for the same amount of time. Believe me -- I felt fear so I will not do anything to undo or cause any new hernias for 4-6 months!

My surgeon gave me the okay to return to work on April 4th. Yes, I know it is rather quick. I pushed for the date and he said sometimes you have to agree with the patient. He remarked at how well I looked and I told him there was not "ooze" coming out of my wounds which made him laugh. I am not insensitive to the fact that I have to take things very easy. I have another appointment with him on the 13th to discuss my chemotherapy treatment more in depth.

This is what I know: my time during the infusion will be less. I will have Carboplatin again on Day 1 along with a drug called Gemzar. On Day 8, I will have Gemzar again. After asking him, he said I could conceivably work during those days if I worked from home and I wouldn't need an escort after the first day. Hooray!

AND...the hair loss question. My surgeon was Mr. Hedgehog when posed the question of hair loss. His hedging led to us laughing. It would seem that I would experience hair loss but not a total one. Since I have enough hair for three people (as verified by my two previous Korean hairdressers) I am hoping that my hair will just thin out and still look nice or I can wear scarves some days. Okay -- wearing a scarf without hair looks like you don't have hair; however, wearing scarves when you have some hair poking out looks stylish. Trust me because I never wore any of my scarves out last year!

I will also be making my way back to my apartment next Monday much to my aunt's dismay. She thinks it is too soon. I really need to get back to my own place and get back into the swing of things and figure out how to modify my penchant for lifting heavy things. My handbag and computer bag all have to be lightened. If you recall, I moved my living furniture around during chemo last year. That was probably one of the causes of the hernia sacs. There will be no hernia sacs this time around.

My aunt and uncle were hungry from leaving the house early without breakfast so I treated them to a late breakfast. Truth be told, I was the most vocal about being hungry, but by the time the food was placed in front of me, I was not hungry. Not sure why. I ate a third of my meal. A quick trip to an Asian grocery store was soon after before going back to my auntie's.

That's the State of the Sprinkles Union. I hope you're pleased as I am!

Hugs,
Sprinkles
x0

Bored Out of My Gourd

2011-03-22T12:25:00.003-05:00

My plans today were canceled by my galpal which has sent my cabin fever into overdrive. Am I supposed to go out shopping and have lunch with over 100 staples still on my abdomen? I really don't care. I am recovering at my aunt's and have been been able to shower without help and do one load of laundry without help. The reliance on my walker is less and less so I can go out for a spell.

I just don't have time for cancer related activities!!!! There I have said it.

My goals are being pre-empted with all this cancer crap. Tomorrow morning I get to have all the staples extracted. I may even hear of which treatment plan my surgeon has for me. :::now with heavy sarcasm::: Let's get excited about chemo -- ooohhh! I will get excited later but not right at this very moment. Right now I am annoyed.

You know what I've found out? That full cable television is boring and is filled with mind-numbing junk. Ugh. Thank God I don't waste my money on this stuff. At my aunt's house, I have no choice but to surf 400 channels of brain-goo inducing programming.

If you haven't noticed, I am bored and I feel trapped. Maybe it is a good thing that Tawny still has my car because I would drive it right now against doctor's orders with this song blasting all the way up to the stratosphere: Sprinkle's Theme Today.

Lucky Mark

2011-03-07T17:01:00.003-05:00

On Saturday morning, I was receiving a pedicure from Mary at the nail salon, when she said something in Vietnamese and then restated it in English about me being lucky because of the mole she'd never noticed before on the bottom of my left foot. It is? Cool. I feel lucky...

The words you have not read from me lately have been caged by time, not having enough of it. Work has enslaved me not to mention my social butterfly ways, my new hobby of quilting that I am learning from Kimmee and friend Cathy, my 5am killer workouts at the gym monitored by my awesome Jamaican-6% bodyfat-60ish male coach and by my deja-cancer surgery. Okay, the last part is in a few days.

The question "Are you fucking kidding me?" was something I repeated over and over last month in my surgeon's office. No, he wasn't. The rise in my protein test (CA-125) alarmed my doctor and had him ordering a CT scan of my abdominal area. That revealed an inflammation of two lymph nodes that were not there before. That was followed by a biopsy taken through my back with long needles.

Can you imagine Sprinkles recently napalmed (chemo) body being suddenly invaded by small tumors in her periaortic lymph node and the left lymph node side of her groin seven months later? Me neither! The good news was chemo, but the bad news was another surgery because of having to take another set of weeks off from work. I won't know if I am to lose my hair again. Testing of the tumors will determine that course of chemo. The hospital stay will be 4-6 days and I will continue recovering at my aunt's home for a week or two.

If you're feeling sad, please don't. I cannot wallow in self-pity because I am not a victim or live life with a victim mentality. God doesn't promise you will not go through fire, but he promises you peace if you will accept it as you walk through it. I have that peace and it feels so incredible. No, I am not impervious to the news, but I have accepted it.

What I first thought of as a set-back because of the physical strides I've made will be a set-UP instead. The hard work at the gym will make my recovery that much more bearable and quicker. My gym coach and I have a workout date as soon as I can manage it after the first or second chemo. These treatments will probably commence three weeks after my surgery. I will rise from weakness. There is no choice.

Meanwhile, I will be wrapping things up at work before they disable my access to the network. In a few minutes, my special "Team Sprinkles" surgery day labels will be wrapped around short 8-oz water bottles I am giving out while I am in the hospital to go with my special "Team Sprinkles" candy favor giveaways. Some people have wedding favors, I have surgery favors. That's how Sprinkles does it. I turn everything into some fun marketing opportunity. There will also be a tray of sinful chocolate cupcakes for my peeps to nosh on while I am in surgery and recovery. It can be breakfast food. (grinning widely)

Almost forgot...today I received good news about my thyroid. I spent the middle of the day giving vials of blood, having an ultrasound and meeting with my throat doc. The nodules are stable and I will see a different doctor in 6 months for monitoring purposes. Yeah, baby!

If you remember, please send me happy thoughts on Thursday morning. I have to check in at 5:15am and surgery is scheduled around 7:15am. Early bird day for several of us.

Love and Luck,
Sarah

Wig

2010-10-05T21:50:00.005-05:00

Perhaps it was a decision I made ahead of time. The "feeling of okay", I mean. Okay about my current state of hair. When I told my boss I had more hair than he this afternoon, he jokingly mentioned taking my wig off. I did.

The impulse that grabbed me didn't leave fingerprints. It was as if some invisible power had been waiting patiently for the opportunity of unveiling. My boss was shocked and so was Bridget. I called Michelle over the cube farm to come and see. She squealed happily when she saw me and immediately told me how cute I looked. Michelle even said I could pull off the short hair because I had my glamor make-up on. It made me feel good.

When the awe of surprise that had taken us all subsided, I put my wig back on. Embarrassment had nothing to do with it. They understood how I felt about having short hair and not being able to curl it yet with a styling iron. I looked like a completely different person with the wig off. And that's just it. I want to look like the me I know as much as I can until I can no longer hide the evidence of my recent journey. I will be forced to look like a different version of me again soon enough. By February 2011, I suspect I will lose the wig permanently and have the fourth incarnation of a look since January of this year.

Today's lesson: Sprinkles was extra brave.

xxoo

Giving Birth to Myself

2010-10-03T11:43:00.005-05:00

I feel like I have given birth to myself. With a dark cap of hair and a blank slate to create my life, it should be more of a momentous occasion. No angels' trumpets heralded my arrival. There were no cigars handed out or a shower given. The realization came to me last weekend after my dad and stepmother left me after a short visit...

The wig is still in place until my hair grows long enough to make wearing it very uncomfortable. Combing magazines and surfing the Internet for a sexy yet edgy hairstyle have not yielded the choices I thought would be open to me. Mia Farrow or Jamie Lee Curtis I am not; I have a round face rather than a gamine one.

My body isn't the shape I want, but it is still healing. I didn't know it would take so long. Actually, I was told it would take long. I just refused to believe it. The one thing that makes me smile is I am able to bend down in half without any discomfort. That is a mini victory!

The vows to meet more people and do more different activities are being lived very well. Since I last posted, I attended an ovarian cancer awareness activity. September was Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month. I took the first Friday off and to help tie teal ribbons around park trees in downtown Tampa and to pass out 'symptom' cards to passersby. This activity also had me reconnecting with an old friend from eight years ago.

A young woman I thought I recognized had walked by me in the park during lunchtime. I said to myself that if she walked through the park again, I would talk to her. She did and it was indeed who I thought it was -- LisaK! It turned out that she thought she recognized me but knew that the Sarah she knew would never cut her hair to her shoulders. (See!) Long story short, we've reconnected in the last month and we are continuing to build our friendship again. Yay!

My weeknights have been spent out having dinner with friends and new groups of friends. I even went to a baseball game a vendor from work invited my team to last Wednesday. We received VIP treatment which was fun. The weekends for the month have been half busy unlike October which has all the weekends booked. It sounds pretentious but it is true. You tell the Universe your desires and it might just answer you.

The most important part of last month was my dad and stepmother's visit. To say I was apprehensive about seeing them again was a colossal understatement. They had also decided to make me their first visit on their tour instead of last which pushed up the dates to the end of September. It was a week's notice. Ugh. I had managed to avoid them for six years. Yes, six. Their presence reminds me of my (perceived) failures as a female -- no children and no husband. Out of six children between the two of them, I am the only one who has not been married and procreated.

Luckily for me, I had my shrinky dink appointment just hours before my parents descended upon me. The therapist reminded me that I have a connection with my stepmother that the other girls will not have -- cancer. She was right. We discussed our own journeys during their two-day visit. They arrived in time for lunch which I cooked. I also served a birthday cake I bought for my stepmom. It was to make-up for forgetting her birthday earlier in the month. She loved it. They checked in to their hotel later in the afternoon and came back so I could drive us to a legendary Spanish restaurant downtown for a very nice dinner.

I planned their second day visit with me. We went to a special art exhibit and a couple more art galleries by the beach. The late afternoon was spent meandering around Ikea followed by a casual dinner downtown. I would be lying if I said I had not enjoyed myself. On the whole, the reunion was great and liberating. It was a strong punctuation to the events of the last nine months.

Two of my sisters who live a couple of hours away had started an e-mail/facebook message campaign a week before my dad and stepmom came to visit. To this day, I have not answered them. You don't get to come in at the end and all of sudden remember I exist. Where the hell were you the last nine months?! My parents know how I feel about their recent attention that I am sure was motivated by their visit. I have since received another facebook message with a heartfelt apology on their deplorable behavior. A response may come from me. Not today. I have a forgiving and loving heart, but this is difficult. My silence is a reflection of the silence they have shown me. Even nice people have limits.

Before I forget, please say a prayer for Tawny and her family. Her mom is not doing well and is expected to cross over soon. Tawny, her sister and her niece are in Iowa right now for an emergency visit. This has been very hard on her and I just keep sending her my love through texts. Every little bit of love and prayer sent her way helps.

One of the things that has kept me cheery is spending time with my cousin's young children. They remind me of how cool childhood can be. I had made a shopping offer last weekend to 11-year old Kristen. To test her I told her she needed to call me the following Thursday to let me know if she could go. She did via her mother who confirmed our plans. Kristen spent the night on Friday and we toiled on Saturday shopping, lunching, watching a new movie and more shopping. This time she was not limited to minutes trying on clothes. It is a luxury when two younger brothers are around. The focus was solely on her this time. Later her parents and younger brothers stopped for the pizzas I had ordered for dinner on their way to pick her up. We scarfed down pizzas and some ice cream for dessert before they left.

I have been recovering today from a two-week nonstop whirlwind of activity. A blog update was also in order to let certain folks know I am still alive and doing well. I expect more spectacular adventures coming my way. Let's enjoy them together.

Love,
Sarah xo

PS We need to bring some comedy back to my posts, too. I have had some comedy since my last post. It just doesn't seem appropriate today for some reason.

Saturday Samba

2010-08-28T23:59:00.001-05:00

For two weeks now I have had this tune, Samba Da Bencao in my head thanks to the movie "Eat Pray Love". This song is first played when the actor Javier Bardem is seen in the movie. While the scene was memorable, the song itself holds more than its own.

Last weekend while in Jacksonville visiting Kathy, we tried to look for this soundtrack and gave up after five stores turned up with zero copies. I was desperate to have it for my three-hour ride home.

(By the way, the movie is not for everyone. It is definitely a chick flick, if you will. I've seen it twice - once with Dianne and her husband at the local preview two weeks ago and the second time with Kathy last weekend. The movie is two hours of brain candy.)

Back to the song...I was able to buy this earlier today and have had it looping in my car over and over again as I drive around town. It is incredibly soothing. The feeling it evokes matches the mellow mood I've been in. Yes, that means my period of adjustment is going better. I no longer feel as anxious with my change in schedule.

At work, my group has moved from the 8th floor down to the 7th floor. My boss remarked on how relaxed I've been with the new seating change. I wouldn't attribute my change of attitude just to that. Cancer has given me a new perspective on life to where a multitude of things that would have made me crazy last year no longer bother me. The feeling is rather freeing. Very zen-like.

I am realizing that I cannot move forward while driving my life at 100 miles per hour. The whole thing is a process that takes (ugh) time! Healing is about time. My body shows me everyday how much I am healing for the better. I feel so alive -- more alive than I have been in a very long time. I am humbled at each new discovery.

My hair is growing back fast with my eyebrows and eyelashes almost all in. The hair on my head will take more time but I can rub my head and feel my hair and not skin. Hooray!

The emotional healing is part of the process, too. I know I have to do the work to move forward. It is difficult as you know since the emotional part of you is something you have conscious control over. All I can say is that I am doing okay at it...

My calendar has managed to be filled with various activities where I get to both meet new people and reconnect with friends I haven't had a chance to spend time with since before my surgery and chemo treatments.

I got home late tonight from my friend Sandy and Mark's home. I spent a lively evening with their family and a set of friends eating a tasty dinner and sharing stories. November may find me camping with Sandy and her family by a river which I am looking forward to doing. If you know me, you know that my past idea of camping was usually a hotel without a pool. This is part of me saying yes to more opportunities.

Samba Da Bencao (Samba Of The Blessing) by Sergio Mendes
(Baden Powell, Vinicius de Moraes)

E melhor ser alegre que ser triste
Alegria e a melhor coisa que existe
E assim como a luz no coracao
Mas pra fazer um samba com beleza
E preciso um bocado de tristeza
Senao nao se faz um samba nao

Fazer samba nao e contar piada
E quem faz samba assim nao e de nada
O bom samba e uma forma de oracao
Porque o samba e a tristeza que balanca
E a tristeza tem sempre uma esperanca
De um dia nao ser mais triste nao

Poe um pouco de amor numa cadencia
E vai ver que ninguem no mundo vence
A beleza que tem um samba nao
Porque o samba nasceu la na Bahia
E se hoje ele e branco na poesia
Ele e **** demais no coracao

[Translation:]

Samba Of The Blessing

It's better to be happy than sad
Happiness is the best thing there is
It is like a light in the heart
But to make a samba with beauty
It's needed a bit of sadness
If not the samba can't be made

To make a samba is not like telling a joke
And who makes samba like this is worth nothing
The good samba is a kind of prayer
Because samba is the sadness that sways
And sadness is always hopeful
Of one day not being sad any more

Put a little love in the cadence
And you'll see that in this world nobody wins
The beauty that a samba have
Because samba was born in Bahia
And if today it is white in it's poetry
It is very black in it's heart.

Swaying to this Samba,
Sprinkles xo

Adjustment

2010-08-15T21:47:00.003-05:00

I hate it when my shrinky dink is right. She predicted that I would be going through a period of adjustment now that my schedule is not around my cancer treatment. It's not that there is a giant chasm, it is just different. Ugh.

Different has its own connotations -- one of them being I am on my own again. I don't have that other 50% of a relationship (doctor) to rely upon on a regular basis. The universe hates a void so it fills it. I am busier than ever with all kinds of activities. It is my new mantra to say yes to more things coming my way.

Tomorrow morning I am getting a second opinion on my thyroid at the cancer center. Yes, I know it is benign, but this is for the surgery portion that a doctor outside the center suggested. On Tuesday night, I will be attending another meeting for an Ovarian Cancer support group that meets once a month. I've volunteered for a couple of things just be to active. Thursday night will find me at a dining group for professional women my friend Possum has been a part of for years. I've turned down her invitations in the past. It is a part of me 1) expanding my net of acquaintances and friends or sphere of influence and 2) saying yes to more things. And then -- next weekend I will be in Jacksonville to spend the weekend with galpal Kathy...

I have missed writing terribly. Writing allows me to share what is on my mind with those who care to know. Things have not been easy lately even though I should be singing like Cinderella who just found out she is going to the ball and has all the forest animals sewing her a dress. The news of my remission should make me feel like that now, right? It is humbling and believe me I am ever so grateful. The pressure now is immense at times. I am dealing with it the best way how -- through humor.

Some news...my hair is slowly growing back! It is almost 1/2 of an inch on top. My brows are in, but my eyelashes are only half-way back. Other hairs are coming back, too. LOL

My shrinky dink has suggested ONE thing. For those who know me, it will send you laughing up and down the street. She didn't say in so many words, but I apparently need to be more demure. At odd moments I find myself chanting silently within, "I am practicing being demure" over and over again. It makes me want to tell her off.

Hugs,
Sprinkles xxoo

Remission

2010-07-21T22:22:00.005-05:00

THIS IS THE LETTER MY DOCTOR WILL BE RECEIVING NEXT WEEK ALONG WITH A CARD.

-----------------------------------------
July 21, 2010

Dear Dr. R-----:

This note is from the “groovy girl” who has brought you decadent treats during her last three cycles of chemo…

Today you said that words that have affected me more than anything you’ve said to me in the last six months, “You’re in remission.” I knew that would be the case, but hearing the words from you still stunned me. You’re very lucky I didn’t grab and hug you as was my first instinct. I saved you from awkwardness by reminding myself that you most likely appreciate your patients better under anesthesia. I don’t think it is because you’re afraid to connect with your patients, but because it is easier to deal with the facts of science and lab results rather than the emotional product of your findings and treatment options. The cerebral part takes over because it is what helps cure your patients. This was good because I didn’t need you to coddle me. I needed concrete facts to distance the emotional side as well.

At 39, I never expected to have cancer. Who does, right? I have approached my cancer with a project plan so I could keep the focus on what I needed to do to have minimal side effects and how to manage my energy each day. There was also an edict to my family and friends that I would go through everything with humor. That is where being “chemo sexy” and living the “glamcer (glamorous cancer) life” have come from. Even my chemo sessions were “happy hours” because you gave me “chemo cocktails”. The cute names do not by any means diminish the gravity of cancer, but they sure make it more bearable and less frightening. To me, it is what is so why not make it fun? Why be boring? Other people have ‘boring’ covered. You don’t even know the half of the crazy things I came up with to cope. Even my eight-day hospital stay was fun with tons of visitors, cello player, visiting pets and caring expert medical staff! Spending my 39th birthday in a hospital bed was not bad at all.

The first day I met with you was the same day I had my pre-op. A nurse in pre-op said you were chosen for M------. That gave me comfort that I would be in good hands. Nothing like a rock star oncologist, eh? Don’t blush. Your other nurses like you and tell on you. That’s how I knew you loved chocolate. They also said you were a runner which made me feel confident to bring you treats that you could work off. Ha! Besides – I thought how different would it be if your patient gave you something other than a look of apprehension as to how she is progressing.

What am I trying to say with all this? Sometimes doctors do not get a sense of a patient’s real thoughts especially with the quick clinic visits. Getting into my mind involves a few martinis and a bucketful dirty jokes. Once again, I have spared you. Well, good doctor, I want to say thank you for saving me. Thank you for helping me reset my life. I intend to live it with more verve. The serendipitous way I came to M------ is a testament as to how much I am wickedly blessed. You are one of those blessings. I am so lucky!

While I have enjoyed the Brazilian you’ve given me through chemo, I have not liked the Skinderella/Baldilocks hairstyle or the eyelash suicide. So until I see you again for my three-month visit, I am focusing on growing hair.

Thank you,
Sarah

PS Thanks also for saying the toast to my health and favorable CT scan right before my last cycle of treatment. It worked!
-----------------------------------------

Yes, my lovelies -- I am in remission. Thank you for support and prayers. Every little bit helped me heal. xxoo

No Taste

2010-06-29T18:49:00.004-05:00

Now my taste buds are rebelling. At the beginning of my chemotherapy, I couldn't get enough of sour or Mexican food taste for weeks and weeks. Today, I realized through deduction that I can't taste sour.

For the first time during chemo, I have no real appetite. I mean -- I am hungry, but I don't have a "taste" for food. Nothing really is appealing at the moment with the exception of salty and sweet. It is the oddest thing.

It was first noticeable on Saturday and is still noticeable. I woke up with a craving for waffles and sausage which luckily I had this morning. Although I worked from home today, my boss and new director picked me up for a Greek lunch and I couldn't taste the tang of yogurt on the tzaziki slathered on my lamb gyro.

A couple of hours later, I had a specific craving for jelly doughnuts. I don't eat jelly doughnuts. I instant messaged my boss that I had to go to my apartment complex office for several minutes. Instead I drove to the nearest doughnut shop. The two pillows of doughnuts stuffed with strawberry jelly were like ambrosia. I felt guilty.

For dinner, I decided to get a famous chicken sandwich. Their chicken is marinated in pickle juice and their sandwich has pickles. Too bad the sandwich tasted bland today. I usually have their waffle french fries dipped in mayo and ketchup. That tasted bland, too. So no sour taste for Sprinkles.

I hope this doesn't last long or I will be losing weight for sure. This normally would be good, but I'd like it on my terms. I may need to pack an extra protein shake tomorrow for work.

Craving salty/sweet things,
Sprinkles xo

Coming of Age

2010-06-26T23:56:00.001-05:00

It was the day after my last chemo and I was feeling like other 'Saturdays after chemo'. I needed some assistance driving to attend my goddaughter Cristina's 18th birthday. She and her twin were celebrating across town. Tawny was kind enough to drive us. (Everyone needs a friend like her!)

Here is a pic of gorgeous girls:

(Crystal and Cristina)

It seems like yesterday I held them each in my arms like little burritos. Ha! I am so proud of them. They have one more year of high school. They inherited a learning disability that affected them until about the age of five and held them back one year. With intense education and help, they are up to speed and are smarter than their classmates! They will be attending college for pre-med. This summer will be spent volunteering at their local hospital as part of their scholarship. Like I said, I am very proud of them...

Am I coming of age, too? My chemo is done. I just have some follow-ups to make sure everything is clear -- God willing! I am starting to really take a look at the second half of 2010 since the first half was spent with two surgeries and six rounds of chemotherapy. I feel an intense need to perform and give back. I do have some plans. I just have to get my strength back up to be able to really give them life.

My 40th birthday is coming around in January and I want to be able to say I did something significant or the start of something significant. Yes, I know, I have influenced many people already in my life. I am talking about something special borne out of the ashes I will rise from this year. Can you understand what I am trying to say? I don't want my cancer journey just to be a blip in my life's radar. I want it to end up a beautiful adventure for me and for others. I can't explain it yet maybe. All in good time.

Kisses,
Sprinkles

Last Love Infusion No. 6

2010-06-26T14:54:00.005-05:00

My last chemotherapy was today and I almost could not believe it. I can take down the countdown counter I've had for almost three months on the right hand margin of my blog. It was a day for extra adventures for sure!

I got up at 5am, got ready and wrapped the cake pops I made for my surgeon before making breakfast for my aunt who stayed over and Tawny who came at 7:30am. As we were walking out, my aunt was distracted from the large leaf plants outside my apartment and then took a tumble on the pavement. She nearly gave me a heart attack! She was okay and mainly felt bad because I gave her such a worry that I was raising my voice at her (with curse words) on the way to the cancer center. Tawny was the referee and told me to pipe down as I drove us which was only less than 10 minutes away.

My blood was taken for the tests results my doctor would see an hour later. We went to get my refill for aftercare meds and then we sat by the cafe for a few minutes before the research worker found me and said if I checked in early I could get done in time so that I could have my stress test in time. She admitted she had to go a wedding a few hours away that evening and had to be on a time schedule. I didn't mind because so was I.

Off we went to check in early. A nurse soon whisked me away for vitals and then let me back in the reception area with the girls. We didn't have to wait long for me and my entourage to be escorted to a bigger exam room. A different doctor asked me questions and did the physical exam. She pressed against my lower lymph nodes and I giggled a lot because I am very ticklish which made her giggle, too. For a woman, you'd think she'd be more gentle on parts she has, too! My surgeon has really big hands and I have never felt any discomfort with his physical exams. AND AND AND -- she used latex gloves before I realized it. Guess who is allergic to latex?! She left to get my surgeon so I could complain to the girls.

My surgeon received about 30 cake pops. My aunt helped me make mine with chocolate cake and frosting mixed together, rolled into balls and chilled. Lollipop sticks were then dipped into melted chocolate and inserted into the balls before chilling again. They were then dipped into more melted chocolate and placed into mini-cupcake liners. I found four different colors in a polka dot pattern. These were on a tray to let set overnight.

In the morning I packaged them in to cellophane bags and put silver twisty ties on them. I also added another layer of mini-cupcake liner before packaging them for aesthetic reasons.

This is the end product my surgeon received. I placed some red crinkly paper inside a red tin before placing 30 cake pops inside. A giant cellophane bag for baskets was then wrapped around the tin and then adorned with the red with white polka dot satin ribbon. My surgeon loved it!

Tawny and I had stopped at Ikea on Wednesday night to get an apple-flavored sparkler drink for our faux champagne toast today. I had to take this picture after we got back home. Sometimes the big events in your life is about creating an "experience". I know today I created an experience for me and perhaps for the first time for my surgeon. How many patients would think to bring faux champagne and plastic champagne glasses to celebrate her last chemo? He did the honors of toasting us. I loved it!

I had my stress test which went well. My entourage looked on while I was hooked up to various electrodes and breathing masks Afterward, we picked up lunch from the cafeteria on the premises to bring back upstairs outside the chemo section. We wolfed down our lunch because we were hungry and everything was good. I was happy to not to have to rush my lunch for once before my chemo. You may recall that I am usually rushing against the anti-histamine drugs before my chemo cocktails. It makes me sleep no matter how hard I fight it.

Here are some views I will not miss:

This is the area of my port on my upper left chest. A one-inch needle is inserted and connected to tubes that is connected to other tubes for my chemotherapy.

These are my actual chemo cocktails. Two bags come before these for pre-meds. The total actual drip is 4.5 hours except today. More on that later.

These machines keep track on how much time is left and beep if there is anything wrong or when the bags are empty.

This was a view from my chemo chair as evidenced by my running shoes. The chair across the way is what the chemo patients sit in. I need two pillows to sit comfortably -- one for my lower back and one for my head. The chairs recline to give your legs support, too.

Halfway through my last bag of chemo, I had an allergic reaction that could have been really serious had my nurse not come by for me to ask about the temperature of the building. I was felt hot. I then told her I felt like I could breathe through my nose, like I had a cold. My chest was heavy. She asked me if it was getting better and I said no. She stopped my chemo and gave me oxygen tubes for my nose.

My nurse ended up calling my surgeon and he said to stop it completely and give me some more of my pre-meds for the allergic reaction. (This particular cancer drug shows some allergic reaction in some patients during the seventh cycle. Super overachiever that I am, showed it in cycle six.) I told her I needed to empty my bladder which she said would give her enough time to get another IV bag set-up. Another nurse escorted me to and from. When I got back my aunt was sitting in the chair with a worried look in her face. (I could only have one guest at a time so Tawny and my aunt took turns keeping a vigil or sat outside together why I slept through my chemotherapy.)

My face had been swollen and flushed. Within minutes of receiving the anti-inflammatory drugs, I was relieved to breathe some and the heaviness in my chest was gone! Wow. It was amazing and almost instant relief. The bag was only for 15 minutes. By this time, my aunt had gotten Tawny who was allowed to sit by me. Tawny knew I was getting better when I was giggling again. We stayed an extra 10 minutes just to make sure I was back to some kind of normal.

Tawny drove my car to a Mexican restaurant where we met her husband Jeff for dinner. Jeff left after our dinner to deliver something downtown and us girlies went to my favorite place for boba drinks, slushy fruit drink smoothies with tapioca pearls at the bottom we brought home.

This day went very quickly. My aunt and I talked about the whole day after Tawny left. She spent the night again on my couch. I made it to bed determined to get seven hours of sleep and to take my medications in time in the morning.

My lovelies, I am relieved. I have a CT scan for my chest and abdomen in three weeks to see if there is any cancer left lingering within my body. Another week after that is the appointment with my surgeon to discuss the results. Before that, next week, I receive the results for the thyroid biopsy from this past Wednesday morning. I don't anticipate anything wrong with that. My nodule is 1cm large. When you're a cancer patient and anything else crops up, you can guarantee there will be some kind of further investigation to rule out anything. This is my story and so far I am okay with it.

Thank you for my love and support! I am wickedly blessed.

Love,
Sarah xxoo

Feeling Good

2010-06-19T23:59:00.000-05:00

Changes at work and my feelings of fatigue have kept me from updating my blog. I thought about it each night, but I knew I just had to rest to manage my energy...

Our temp is gone now; her last day was Tuesday. She was re-hired temporarily because I was going through my chemotherapy. I now find myself busier than ever. I would love it extra if my brain and fatigue would cooperate, but I just do the best I can.

For the past three days, I've felt so much better. My good energy has been extended in the evening. You can't imagine how wonderful that is! Yesterday I left work at 7:30pm and still had enough energy to go grocery shopping by myself until 9:30pm. Dinner was served at Sprinklesville at 10pm. Not too bad...

This morning I made the resolve to see my hairdresser Tania so I could get a couple of packages of Korean brand faux eyelashes. She was ecstatic to see me judging by the long hug she gave me. As we talked and I updated her on things, she couldn't keep from hugging me. She ended up giving me four boxes of eyelashes and trimmed my wig a little to her satisfaction for free.

Tania is a very Christian woman. She kept telling me how great I looked and how she could see an inner glow about me. I told her I was wickedly blessed and she agreed. I was humbled when she told me that I have a rare heart especially when I can go through what I am going through and still find a way to give to others. She had no doubt I would receive continued blessings.

My next trip was to the craft shop to buy some components for the gift for my surgeon next Friday, my last chemo. Oh -- I didn't tell you -- Tawny is coming to my chemo along with my aunt. I am very excited to have both family and friends represented. Tawny is working extra hours to make-up for taking the day off. I appreciate her sacrifice for me.

For my last chemo, I am buying some sparkling cider and some plastic champagne glasses to toast with the girls and my surgeon. I can't wait to complete my last chemotherapy, but I am reticent to see how I will feel the following week as the chemicals work through. Sigh. I just have to get through it.

I also have to get a biopsy on my thyroid next Wednesday morning. My primary care determined to rule out anything that may be there. I had my ultrasound at a separate facility last Tuesday morning and in the afternoon I received a call from my primary doctor's office with the recommendation. Many people have benign nodules on their thyroid. I am releasing my feelings on the outcome whatever it may be. There is no reason to worry about something I know nothing about right now. I just make the necessary appointments and show up.

This evening was time for some fun. Jeff and Tawny came over for dinner and Scrabble. I made a creamy lemon garlic chicken with pasta and broccoli and some garlic bread to go along. We feasted like kings! Oh my gosh was everything good. For dessert, I scooped some fudgey chocolate ice cream and for a lame attempt at healthy, I topped each heaping bowl with fresh raspberries. Hee.

We went two rounds of Scrabble. Tawny and I each got to start the board. For some reason, when we start the board we are actually able to branch out, but when Jeff starts the board, we get pigeon holed into a corner of the board. Next time, we are playing with nine tiles each instead of seven to make it more interesting.

This coming week is jam packed with stuff but I will try to update you with something even if it is just with pictures. I am doing mighty fine thanks to your prayers and support.

Love,
Sarah xxoo

No Denial

2010-06-10T23:59:00.004-05:00

Today was the worst day of my chemotherapy history. I woke up with my limbs feeling like they were on fire and movement felt like I was wading through gelatin. I was in pain and I was disoriented. I cried.

I looked at myself in the mirror thinking that today would be the first day I wouldn't put on make-up and eyelashes because of the pain. One long look and I said to myself, "Hell no!". I would do everything I could to dig within myself for the strength and I did.

My first order for the day after struggling to get dressed and made-up was to see my therapist. I had to tell her that I wasn't up to par with my health. She walked with me slowly and allowed me time to get situated. I felt disoriented and extremely exhausted. The session went well and, yes, I cried. We talked about the major hurts or key moments in my lift that affected me. It felt great to unburden myself...to let it all out. Emotional freedom is priceless. I was reticent about checking my make-up in the mirror after our session --- it still looked fabulous! No messy mascara or eyeliner painting me with raccoon eyes.

I drove to work instead of going home as a normal person would have. I just kept digging for Divine Strength. Being at work was difficult. I suffered from pain, exhaustion, dizziness, hot flashes, a buzzing in my brain when I didn't have dizziness and vision impairment akin to having flashbulbs going off in your face. I walked along walls with one of my hands hovering over them in case I lost my balance. Chewing my lunch was painful but I managed to finish. I could not deny I was feeling unwell and put up a brave or sunny face. At some point, I had to ask Michelle in front of me to get me water. I couldn't believe my body was reacting to the chemo coursing through my body this way. Thank God the afternoon progressed for the better before I picked up Tawny at her work at 5pm.

Why is it I am always surprised when I feel unwell? I guess I am used to being a force majeure where I just do things without thinking of limitations...when I am of my right or confident mind, that is. Truly -- it is always news to me when I wake up feeling extra unwell or feeling exhaustion just by walking from my car in the garage to arriving at my desk on the 8th floor of my building. My friends remind me that I am going through chemotherapy for Stage III Ovarian Cancer. It is not that I forget -- believe me! -- I am just not allowing it to run my life. I am not it and it is not me. My mind is a 'go' even if my body is protesting along the way. Some time very soon my body will be mine again.

Hugs,
Sprinkles

Worth It?

2010-06-09T18:10:00.004-05:00

I looked at my face this morning with dismay. It was literally a white canvas. My porcelain features blurred among each other. There were barely any telltale signs of my eyes other than two dark brown eyes staring back wondering what the hell had happened. You can't imagine how much eyebrows and eyelashes matter in outlining your facial expression. My skin was so pale from lack of sun and the chemo was probably not helping. I almost cried at the effort it took to reveal the face that is mine through powdered colors, kohl and faux eyelashes. My body tired easily and my vision a bit strained. I wanted to break the mirror in front of me.

Like I always do, I managed to keep my composure and finish dressing. No one would guess I am a cancer patient at first or second glance. No one would guess at the effort it took to not look like that now. I often wonder how my friends who don't wear make-up would handle having an anonymous pallor. Would they give up? Would they try to find themselves in the mirror? Would they just not think about it all? I think about it all the time. For me, I am still a vibrant woman inside and I want to show it. GLAMcer. There is something to be said about sex appeal even if it is only for yourself...

Our network has been intermittent at work for a week now and today it was confined to my side of the 8th floor. The first half of the day was wasted not doing much but trying to get connected. Just as well. I kept getting dizzy spells and my brain was fuzzy still. Managing my energy was a challenge. When I went to the restroom, I walked close to the walls for fear of falling. People were supportive and knew I had just gone through my fifth chemo appointment last week. They, too, were happy that it is almost at an end. I am just happy I made it home okay and was able to make dinner for myself this evening.

I am dizzy right now and may not be able to proofread this post well. You'll pardon the errors? On top of that, I am now experiencing a hot flash as I type. Goddammit -- as difficult as today is, I know this is all worth it. In a couple of months, I will have a ghost memory of how I feel at this very moment.

Hugs,
Sarah

Mindmeld Monday

2010-06-07T19:01:00.004-05:00

Listen, my lovelies: I cannot wait to not take any of my aftercare chemo meds again in my life. We have one more round to go at the end of the month. Even though I did not work today at all, my brain was still in a fog. That didn't mean I was lazy -- I vacuumed, did five loads of laundry, cooked for myself, made some calls/appointments, cleaned the refrigerator a little, took two bags of trash out, and ran the dishwasher. I'm battling cancer -- what's your excuse? Ha.

I spent Saturday by myself just chillin' and managing my energy to rest from the chemo. On Sunday, my aunt and uncle drove me with them a couple hours away to my cousin Frankie and Brenda's house in Port Charlotte to spend time with more family members visiting. Counting all the adults and children, there were 17 of us. Most were in the pool playing. Several of us were enjoying the view of the water and the family in the pool. Grilled out with kebabs and other goodies. I ended up taking a nap on the couch for a spell.

On the way home from the festivities, I begged my aunt and uncle to take me to a quick grocery shopping trip so I could buy some almond milk, raspberries, oranges, vitamins, etc. since I won't be able to drive until Wednesday. I could cry to Tawny to take me earlier I suppose. Hee. This morning I made a smoothie using almond milk and fresh raspberries! Yummeeee.

Pardon me if this post is a little wacky. Like I said these meds make me crazy. There is mindmeld going on but I am not sure exactly how that is working. If you know, please clue me in.

Okay....I did have a breakthrough today. My spiritual adoptive sister in Canada gave me one part of the words I have been searching for during my cancer treatment. We have similarities in life things and that's all I can say. What I can say is that it came to me after reading her response to my specific query on my partial lack of emotional connection to cancer...that no matter how I dress things up in cancer or other unpleasant things in my past life, they were or are still unpleasant.

I cried uncontrollably for a good part of the morning and again in the early afternoon. While the tears fell, I could hear the pure hurt emanating and leaving me in my sobs. It didn't sound like me. It was alien like an animal left in the clearing in the woods by wolves who had taunted it by tearing bits of pieces of its flesh, but never killing it before leaving for real game. It was awful and cathartic. God -- I cannot wait to tell my shrinky dink this Thursday morning. My doctor will be happy to hear this.

SIGH...I want to write more, but my brain and these damn drugs are making it difficult. That's it for now. Thanks for your support. Your love around the world is helping me become well to the astonishment of many. Love does make this Asian Goddess of Love go around or at least sparkle!

Love,
Sprinkles xxoo

Love Infusion No. 5

2010-06-04T23:59:00.005-05:00

Unsure of how I felt today, I continued as if I were sure of myself and how I would deal with my fifth and second to final infusion of chemotherapy...

I got up and took my water pill before getting online to read a bit and getting on facebook to update "my status". For my breakfast, I ate a chopped avocado like cereal by adding almond milk and two tablespoons of agave nectar (low glycemic sweetener). Then it was time to take a shower.

At 6:30 I received a knock on my door. It was my uncle who had come to pick me up. He was an hour early! OMG. My aunt told him the wrong time. I still had to put my make-up on, get dressed, vacuum, and make sure I prepare my bag for the day. Sigh. No worries. I adjusted. I decided to skip vacuuming and made my uncle some fresh coffee instead. He drank coffee and watched the news while I got myself together.

My uncle was not spending the day with me at the cancer center -- just giving me a ride. This would cause me great stress as I would worry if he was entertained enough or was eating enough. I turned down Tawny's husband's offer to take me, too, as I would feel the same way. I was stressed when he took me for Love Chemo #3. He was working part of the time during the day and I got worried if he was missing something important when we moved from one part of the building to the next as we progressed through my day at the cancer center.

Men get bored easily and need constant forms of stimuli as well as usually have some form of Attention Deficit Disorder. I don't want them to feel like martyrs or taking one for team. This is ingrained behavior from childhood...to wait on men. Jeezus -- sometimes I wish I didn't fully nurture this gene, but that's the way it is. Why? Because it is stupid. Good for the men in my life though. Bastards. Ha. OKAY TO BE FAIR -- I treat all my friends/family this way. More on this later...

I carried this basket of cookies as a gift for my surgeon and his staff:

Eight designs and everything on the cookie is edible:

I had the nurse who took my blood draw pick one out. She was working the check-in desk, but took time out to draw my blood at my request. We've gotten to know each other and she gave me a spontaneous hug before I left. It made me smile as I made my way to pick up a refill prescription before a small break at the cafe. My surgeon appointment check-in was 30 minutes away.

Like last time with the bakery box filled with chocolate ganache cupcakes I made, I got curious stares and a worker was curious enough to ask and show the other workers at the cafe. One of the ladies behind the counter wanted me to make one that said CANCER SUCKS. Why the hell would I do that? Yes, we all know it does, but why feed others words that are negative? I am all about moving away from fear and moving towards joy. It can be a difficult journey so I am not adding that ever.

Actually seeing my surgeon was later than I had hoped. I don't like delays. There was no student doctor or any other doctor to see me before my surgeon. He was it and my favorite nurse attending me. (I told my nurse who happens to be Russian all the Russian words I knew and was complemented on my pronounciation -- yay!) My surgeon is very pleased with my progress and seems surprised at the low presence of side effects with the exception of increasing fatigue. He doesn't fully understand how I've taken it on as a project to mitigate the side effects as much as I can through diet, supplements, sleep and behavior modification. I am a research fanatic.

I asked him some questions like:

1) Can I consume alcohol? Yes -- I can have a glass of wine if I want.
2) How long are the chemicals in my system after my last chemo? Six to seven weeks. The fatigue could last much longer. Grrr. I intend to be the exception not the norm thanks to the overachiever I am.
3) Did he enjoy my chocolate ganache cupcakes from the last visit? He looked at me with a half smile and said he very much enjoyed them and said that I definitely have a talent. Gawd..If he only knew the craziness I am capable of at any given moment! He seemed a bit embarrassed which I took as he ate a few too many even though he shared with his staff. There were about 30 of them. LOL

I was worried about my food intake today because it is advisable to have a full tummy during chemotherapy. I had a protein with fiber shake before my exam and ate a special granola bar while I waited to be called for my chemo. Serina didn't come to take my lunch order as she's done for all my treatments so far. I found out later when she came to see me that she was swamped at work. It was no big deal as the infusion center provides bagged lunch choices.

There was a delay for my chemo which I suspected because my surgeon was delayed as well as the floor was short of staff. This both upset and pleased me. It upset me because I wanted to get out at 5pm and pleased because I didn't have to rush through lunch and it had some time to digest. This must be key for when the Benadryl drip was administered, I wasn't as immediately sleepy.

Before my "chemo cocktails" were facilitated, I wrote my friend Jill a note and placed it on the counter next to me with a bottled water, one of my cookies and a small piece of chocolate. It was waiting for her when she arrived at 1:30pm when I was already asleep. (See what I mean about nurturing????? I always think of ways to make feel people appreciated and special. What you give out to the universe is what you get back. I get back a ton!)

After a bathroom break during my chemotherapy, I was able to see my fellow GLAMcer friend sitting in one of the infusion chairs. I visited for about five minutes. She gave me her professional card and added her e-mail and cell phone number. We are going to make walking dates after work since we work around the same area AND we live near enough. Talk about cool bananas!

During Jill's visit, I managed to stay awake longer than previous times. We laughed a lot. She was stunning as always. She left at 4:30pm to pick up her kids. It was like the changing of the guard. Serina came for a short spell at the same time. I urged her to go home and wash the day off with a shower. She looked exhausted and frustrated. Serina received two cookies to take home.

All my drips were finished by 5:30pm. My aunt and uncle were waiting for me outside. They drove me home and stayed a little over an hour. My uncle looked tired from waking up too early and from his exercise at the gym. My aunt brought me some food so I wouldn't have to cook that night or a few more meals. She is very sweet. I brewed them coffee and gave them a piece each of the cookies I made which makes the amount of cookies Sprinkles has in her home to zero.

I spent the evening reminiscing about the day and just relaxing. Ended up snoozing on the couch for a few hours before washing the day away. I wholeheartedly recommend taking a shower at night every night to wash any negative energy you've taken on throughout the day whether that is contact with other people or of your own doing. Why would you want to take all that crap to sleep and marinate in it? Of course, I take a quick shower in the morning, too. It just makes me feel good.

Overall, my day was great! Thanks for all your facebook comments & facebook private messages and supportive e-mails, my lovelies. Every bit helps me get through the day.

Hugs and Kisses,
Sarah Sprinkles

PS...My friend Jill said something more unusual than she does. When she opened the package of cookie and tasted it. She said it reminded her of me. Huh? She said she could close her eyes and immediately knew it was me. The flavoring she was tasting were vanilla and almond extracts. The cookie itself was not overly sweet because of the added royal icing or hard sugar icing on top, but there was definitely butter. Hee.

Word Play

2010-05-29T23:59:00.003-05:00

Do you remember the last time I cooked a meal for visitors that didn't involve my chemotherapy? Me neither. Tonight was the first time since last year I am entertaining purely for fun.

I started out early by going to do some shopping and ended up at the grocery store. By the time I finished around noon I was wiped out. I put my groceries away and ate lunch before taking a nap for some recovery time.

Tawny and Jeff came at 6pm to enjoy a home cooked meal of broiled marinated flank steak. It was accompanied by seasoned green beans, a wedge of cold lettuce for the quickest and simplest salad and my lazy (yet healthier!) mashed potatoes. Red potatoes were boiled until fork tender then placed on a sheet pan lined with aluminum foil and drizzled with some olive oil that has been spread out to coat pan. I then smashed each potato with a potato masher once. More olive oil was drizzled on the bed of mashed red potatoes followed by a good seasoning of kosher salt and freshly ground pepper. Finely chopped fresh rosemary was sprinkled on top for flavor. The oven was heated to 450 degrees and the potatoes were cooked until crisp about 30 minutes. I added some chopped red pepper and scallion rings for color and a fresh finish before scraping the potatoes off the sheet pan and into a large serving bowl. Yes, all of it was yummy!!

For dessert, I made what I now call my Raspberry Angel Napoleon. I sliced angel food cake and layered them with sugar-free whipped topping and fresh raspberries. I topped each serving with shaved 70% dark chocolate and some disco dust because I like sparkly. You've heard that before, haven't you?

The rest of the evening was spent playing Scrabble. We did two rounds that involved painful deliberations from Jeff. Where I play for a certain flourish with words, he was playing for high points. He won both rounds. Bastard. Ha. At some point when there were less tiles to choose from, my letter choices started to spell out Russian words or for Tawny what she perceived as Vietnamese words. She did have one set that spelled out "SO NASTY" and used the word NASTY on the board.

I was very interested in playing with these two brainiacs since we have never played Scrabble in the 12 years we've known each other. More importantly, I wanted to spend some quality and normal time with them. I am sick of having our only communication via instant messages or cell phone texts. It is just not the same when you are in person. Our recent get-togethers have also involved something with my cancer treatments. My treatments are almost over and I need to start transitioning into normal. I don't know if that is the appropriate word because my life is no longer normal and I can never return to what I knew as normal...

Cancer changes your perspective in life. It makes your world both myopic and expansive. Myopic in the sense that it weeds out the bullshit that used to bother you and expansive by lowering the fence on what you can accomplish. Things I thought I could not do before are doable. Getting back my health -- my strength and building upon that will be key. I've staged mini-milestones (in three phases) for myself for the next six months. Of course, the milestones need to be flexible because I don't know how my body will react to my last set chemotherapy. I believe I've built enough of a cushion before the second phase. The skeleton plan so far makes me feel good of what I can do to get ready to shape the future life I will lead. There is no word beatific enough for me to describe how I've imagined that life will be.

Kisses,
Sarah xo

Lash Suicide

2010-05-28T21:13:00.000-05:00

It is official. My eyelashes are committing suicide. Thanks to the compound effects of chemotherapy, I am now almost devoid of most of the hair on my body. Should I rejoice and think of it as shedding my coat for the summer?

You're probably wondering why I haven't posted. To be honest, I haven't been feeling well. It is taking me longer to recover and has progressed to an extra 7-8 days than normal recovery. Today was the first day I felt more like myself. It is disheartening but I know it is temporary. I just have to make it through two more chemo sessions next month.

I saw my shrinky dink last Tuesday and that time is helping me tremendously. The doctor gave me another assignment. I am to write down all the hurt I have experienced. Mulling through the pain is not the idea, but to write down incidents. I can handle that since our sessions have revealed that I am not dealing with the emotional side of cancer. We are tackling different areas of my life to get to that point...kinda working from the start to get to the present.

Another revealing thing is that I don't share deeper thoughts with my support team because I feel guilty for dumping on them. Sometimes when I talk to Angie, I can tell the things I talk about maybe too heavy for her to handle or maybe it is just me? I don't know. Don't get me started on Tawny -- I've hardly shared anything with her lately because I feel tremendous guilt for leaning on her when her health hasn't been stellar and the fact that she has already given so much right after my surgery. Kathy's been there to listen but I still don't share everything. I tend to keep things inside my head.

Sometimes I think that my support team all live too full lives to listen to things that may be bothering me now and they are too emotionally connected to me to have answers. Face it -- no one prepares for cancer. It is not subject matter that makes people happy. Now I have my shrinky dink and I can dump on her as well as get the answers I am in search of when we meet every two weeks.

I also saw my primary care doctor the same day for refills on my water pills, to get high blood pressure medication and to discuss what the cardiac surgeon saw on my CT scan in regards to my thyroid when I went to the emergency room last month. Everything was addressed but the thyroid because they didn't receive a copy of the scan in time. More blood was taken and the results have since come out clear. That's good. I will have to call this doctor again next week about the thyroid.

God... Talking about medication and cancer shit does get old. I can't help discuss them because they are what is going on in my life. The days that I no longer have to focus on them cannot come soon enough. Watching my hair grow after this summer will extend those thoughts a little longer I'm afraid.

For now my wig hides my bald head. My faux eyelashes and darker eyeliner keep my eyes visible. The make-up keeps me looking glamorous and healthy. My friend Dianne told me this evening how jealous she was at how fabulous I looked with my make-up and faux hair. I am doing everything I can to hide my anonymous pallor. Luckily, I haven't lost my humor about things. Crying about them seems like a waste of time. Someday this will all be a faraway dream.

Missed you,
Sprinkles xxoo

Sunday Race

2010-05-16T22:04:00.001-05:00

I didn't mean for today to be another race against my meds, but I had no choice. Today was Kathy's last day at my place before she went back to her 2.5 hour drive up to Jacksonville. Her boyfriend Jamie was leaving on vacation the same afternoon and had to be home for their pets. I wanted to maximize my time with her.

Kathy kept joking about my energy. While I let her sleep in later than I did, I was moving around my apartment in stealth mode. None of my doors squeak in my apartment thanks to some special household lubricant called WD-40. Squeaky doors are bad feng shui -- means that energy is stuck in that areas of your life.

I made us a big breakfast and she expressed her desire to go to the Asian store later to buy some Asian veggies which I happily agreed on. We spent about an hour meandering about busy Asians getting their groceries before picking up sandwich orders for us and Tawny/Jeff for lunch. Jeff wasn't able to make it because he was still doing some pesky work for my company on his computer. This poor guy worked all weekend!

When lunch was over, Kathy cleaned the inside and outside of my sliding glass panel doors. I was more concerned about the dirty green pollen that had accumulated this spring on the outside. She also cleaned the front of my entrance door. All this to improve my feng shui. I do live feng shui as much as I can. It can't hurt, right? It just helps me focus on my intentions for my life with the universe... Tawny went home during the cleaning of the doors to take her husband his sandwich. Kathy would make a brief stop to their place to say goodbye to Jeff since he didn't make it.

My day wasn't over yet when Kathy left after 1pm. I did four loads of laundry, filled up the dishwasher, straightened the kitchen and took out trash as well as update my blog. As the afternoon wore on, my after care meds really kicked in. The mental fog began to surround my vision while my body seemed confused at the disconnect. I only have one more day to take the meds tomorrow. I dare not skimp on them just to avoid the discomfort. Sigh.

I spoke to Angie at night to let her know of my chemo day and other weekend adventures. She in turn told me of her adventures of hosting her mother/my aunt when she arrived back from her weeks long trip from the Philippines. Apparently, my aunt had an ear infection and a small cough, but they still had a great visit. I, myself, won't be able to see her until next Saturday; I need to make sure she is not coughing some crazy viral thing from the Philippines. It is a chance I can't take with my immune system.

So my lovelies...overall this was a great chemo weekend!

Kisses,
Sarah Sprinkles
xo

Moon Under Water

2010-05-15T23:59:00.000-05:00

No, I didn't forget about my aftercare meds that make me a little loopy. I took them and still decided to roll the dice. I was determined to have a fun weekend and not to make it about being shut-in like the last time. I was feeling good and wanted to take advantage of it.

Kathy and I picked up Tawny to go for late lunch/early dinner at this place I've been wanting to try for months called Moon Under Water, a British Colonial Tavern in St. Petersburg, which was less than hour away by the beach. The chef is from England so I felt safe in getting authentic grub.

Here it is from the road:

Inside from where I sat:

My BFF Kathy always smiling!

We shared a pierogi appetizer with curry sauce. I had a delicious meaty British Pasty and Tawny had a vegetarian pasty which were accompanied by peas and rice. Kathy had a tofu curry complete with pappadom. Everything was delicious! I can't wait to go back and try their "Stella in the Dark" which is Stella Artois beer with Guinness. This will be a discussion for my doctor on my next visit. Hee.

We decided to cross the street and walked around Vinoy Park. The area has Banyan trees that root themselves in the ground in the most unusual way. Offshoots from the branches come down and dig in the ground.

I love these boats on the water:

I made another batch of cupcakes for Kathy this morning while she went to visit Tawny across the apartment complex since I missed celebrating her birthday with her. This time it was vanilla cupcakes with homemade buttercream frosting tinted her favorite green color. They were topped with sprinkles, disco dust and some candles. Tawny and I sang Happy Birthday to her.

We enjoyed a serving (or two!) of cupcakes while we watched Slumdog Millionaire I had just purchased at the store before we went home. It was a great movie! It was late so Tawny went home with some cupcakes for her husband. Kathy and I stayed up for another movie musical called Nine. The director was the same for Chicago and Memoirs of a Geisha. Guess which one out of the three is my favorite?

Kathy said that the cancer patient was wearing her out. What she didn't realize is how I feel compelled to race against the stacked effects of taking the aftercare meds. Tomorrow I will start to feel it for sure. For today, I was able to forget it and have a great time!

Hugs,
Sprinkles

Love Chemo No. 4

2010-05-14T23:59:00.000-05:00

I looked forward to today. My BFF Kathy was visiting from Jacksonville the whole weekend. She came in last night and was ready to help me with anything we may encounter at the cancer center. I had to feed her a hearty breakfast first, of course. LOL

Kathy had her laptop case, her handbag and my chemo bag filled with bottled water, snacks for her and my notebook calendar. I carried my own handbag and the most precious cargo of all: chocolate ganache cupcakes I made from scratch the night before. Sorry I didn't take any pics. The cake itself was chocolate and frosting was made of heavy cream and semi sweet chocolate chips with some instant coffee. I made 36 cupcakes. Kathy and I split one for quality control purposes, I brought Serina four and 31 made it into a bakery style box complete with multi-color French-wire ribbon bow on top.

What I found most curious of all was that people's heads would turn as I carried this box around before I visited my doctor. Once at a cafe table in between appointments, I opened the box to check my little temptations and two people stopped next to me to peer in. Talk about being nosy. It served them right to catch a whiff of the chocolaty goodness without getting any. LOL

My appointment with my doctor went very well. Based on my blood tests and a cancer test, I seem to be healthy. I know -- I couldn't be happier!!! We're not out of the woods yet. I have to combat or minimize the side effects I am still experiencing in between treatments. The biggest one is weight gain due to the steroids as well as the leg swelling. Ugh. I just have to tough it out. The last two treatments are next month.

My doctor very much appreciated his box of goodies I gave him and would share with his staff throughout the day. I found out that he has a sweet tooth he won't admit to and he loves chocolate. He is very thin and runs twice a day -- he can afford a couple of temptations.

Another thing that struck me today was how many people remembered and greeted me from my nurse at the blood draw to the clinic workers and in the infusion center. It made me feel welcome. I even got to say hello to the chemo patients I had seen before. It was all very family like. I was proud to be able to share the whole experience with Kathy.

Serina came and took our lunch order and made sure to leave with her own loot of cuppy cakes. She visited me again later in my chemo chair after my three hour nap. I couldn't stay awake too long so I went back to sleep for a bit.

Kathy confessed to me that her throat got lumpy when she saw the nurse hooking the tubes to the other tubes sticking out of my chest from the port. I guess it made the process very real to her. I am in awe of her strength and generosity to be with me. My day at the center was great and passed without incident.

I felt hyper after the day at the cancer center so we drove miles up the interstate to a Korean restaurant for some yummy healthy food. For dessert, we went to my happy place for bubble drinks. Kathy had coconut taro flavor and I had my jack fruit with mango jelly. By the time we got to my apartment, Kathy was ready to sleep in the airbed that she had spread out the night before in the middle of my living room floor. I was in no such hurry to sleep, but I did in deference to her. The poor thing had traveled almost three hours the night before after working a full day's work.

So there you are...today was a great chemo day. I was relieved.

Love,
Sarah xo

Shrinky Dink

2010-05-11T19:57:00.003-05:00

Progressing in your own life means hitting certain milestones. Seeing a therapist, affectionately called 'shrinky dink', today was definitely a momentous milestone in my life. It means that I am ready to face the fears I have long held and newer ones since my cancer diagnosis. It also means that I am ready to get the guidance I need for a new life...

Sitting in the lobby waiting for my appointment made me a little anxious. I looked around the waiting room and once again didn't see anyone my age. Every patient was over 60 years old. What does this mean? Am I going through something earlier instead of later in my life? I don't know. When my doctor came to collect me, I was relieved to see that I felt immediate ease with her after our introductions.

We went through a questionnaire that I had completed when I arrived. She asked me more questions that would rule out me needing serious help that required being medicated to manage and maintain some sense of equilibrium. She then began to ask me questions where I grew up to now perhaps to get a sense of a time line. For some reason in my head I wanted to scream how there were serious stories in the gaps of time I gave her.

Yes, I cried when I expressed how tired inside I felt. She told me it was okay to have a "suck" day and to not have to qualify everything like "it could be worse or other people have it worse than me". She said I needed to feel more which I told her I didn't want to because that was way too painful. It is easier for me to intellectualize things so I can maintain order. This is something we're going to work on.

After I iterated what my goals were for our meeting, she said we would tackle things in chunks and see each other every two weeks. Did I mention I brought I piece of paper listing those goals as well as outlining my pressures and concerns, etc.? It was almost having my own syllabus for a class. My OCD is part of my infinite charm. It is, I say!

My shrinky dink gave me three assignments until our next meeting. Two of them were: Spending 20 minutes every other day writing down how I feel or anything on my mind. I am not to filter anything and no grammatical corrections, etc. The other is less self-monitoring. Overall, I felt our time together was productive.

The rest of the day at work was very busy. There is a tremendous amount of pressure to perform well right now. I have to wrap things up by Thursday since I have chemo day on Friday. Even though it will be a recovery weekend, I am very much looking forward to spending time with Kathy who will be taking me to my fourth chemo day as well as keep me company during another milestone weekend.

Love,
Sprinkles

Going Country

2010-05-06T21:51:00.001-05:00

Driving to and from work has found me listening to country music. I can't help it. Everything else new on the radio just sounds like crap right now. Country music is like coming home for me for some reason. It just feels right.

Dolly Parton is my all-time favorite country artist if you must know. While the new country ballads are great like Lady Antebellum's Need You Now, I love fun songs called Giddy On Up by Laura Bell Bundy and Blake Shelton's Hillybilly Bone. The videos are great, too...

The days are getting blurry again since work is busy. This weekend is my last free weekend before my fourth chemo. I'm walking with Kristey on Saturday morning. I hope I can last at least two miles. The rest of the weekend will be spent preparing for the next chemo.

Next Tuesday I have my first appointment with a psychologist. It will be her first appointment at 8:30am. I am very pleased that I get to have one session before my next chemo. It makes me feel in better control already. I'll let you know how it goes.

I checked my mailbox today and found a pretty present from a sweet girlie friend across the pond. I enjoyed seeing "Royal Mail" on the envelope and the postage. She sent me this trinket box topped with a jeweled dragonfly. Isn't it beautiful? I collect trinket or decorative boxes so this was perfect.

If I don't get to post during the weekend, I hope you all have some fun and please don't forget to wish your mothers a "Happy Mother's Day" on Sunday, my lovelies.

Kisses,
S x

Professionally Speaking

2010-05-03T18:17:00.004-05:00

I've been thinking about this for weeks. Quickly I am realizing my life is changing again and I have to be prepared. My carefully lacquered version of reality is wearing and starting to crack from internal pressure. Before I combust and unleash steam to poor unsuspecting friends and family, I must get it together.

Today after encouragement from Bridget, I made the call to my social worker at the cancer center and told her I needed to talk to someone, a professional someone. She made me laugh at some point because she asked me if I needed psychotropic drugs. Whhhaat?! It was to determine whether I needed to see a psychiatrist or a psychologist. Good grief. All I need is to talk to someone and get advice on how to cope with now and the next chapter of my life. I don't need some gourmet drug to add to the chemicals I am already being infused with every three weeks. Face it, I've been winging things to the best of my ability. Being positive and humorous can only get me so far if I don't have the necessary tools to deal with things as a whole and in the progression of things.

The situations and themes in my head are too heavy for my friends and family. As much support and love I receive, my emotions are too much for one or two people to take in right now. It is not fair of me to unburden myself. A professional is expecting it and is getting paid to listen and to help guide the average nutter. Knowing one needs help is good, but doing something about it is better.

There you have it.

Hugs,
Sprinkles

Tambourine

2010-04-30T23:54:00.001-05:00

Some side-effects of cancer are beneficial. It is not in the physical sense, but in the emotional and spiritual sense. Cancer gives the permission to most people like myself to relax and enjoy life more without limitations. I've taken life not as seriously as I used to before January which would be a surprise to most who know me.

I used to give off the illusion of carefree. The carefree only mattered if I could control it. Does that make sense? Kind of like controlled chaos. Now my mantra comes from Richard Branson, "Screw it. Let's do it."

My week after chemo couldn't progress fast enough. The recovery is taking a day or two longer. Instead of feeling like myself early Wednesday, it is now late Thursday or early Friday. I hope this time is the exception not the norm. Blogging has taken a back burner to making sure I manage my energy at the end of the day.

My plans for this evening was to meet Dianne for Happy Hour at a trendy steakhouse across the road from my work. The place is expensive but they have made meals and drinks at the bar area affordable until 7pm. I am not big on steak so a big dinner in the main dining room would be a waste for me.

Dianne was sitting in a padded red half-moon booth when I arrived. She hadn't seen me since the week before my head shave and didn't recognize me as I came around the bar. The bar area was lit low and intimate. It wasn't until I stopped in front of her that she realized it was me! The faux hair and my dressed up slimmer body threw her off. We enjoyed two seafood appetizers, delicious gourmet hamburgers and drinks. No, I didn't have wine, but a fruity non-alcoholic drink. I was waiting for the bite of vodka or rum at the end of each sip that never came. Sigh. I envied her glasses of red wine and my hair (again!) because the waitress gushed over how much she loved it.

I was thankful for the change in pace and venue. It made me feel like a normal adult going out and enjoying life with the spectre of cancer hidden back. We laughed and talked about an upcoming trip. In July, I will tag along on her yearly trip to Captiva Island with her other set of girlfriends. I can't wait! They try to coincide it with a fishing tournament that occurs in the area around the same time which means the ratio of men to women are higher. Mind you, she and her girlies are married, but it gives them a chance to flirt and behave badly around each other before returning to their suburban lives.

Energized from my dinner with Dianne, I was about to call Tawny and Jeff to see if they wanted to go to my happy place for bubble drinks. I noticed a message of a missed call and a voicemail from Serina. She was just leaving her parent's home after having dinner out with them when I called her back. They had been concerned at how my recovery from this chemo was going and wanted to invite me to dinner. I changed my plans and invited Serina to meet me at the bubble place instead. (Sorry Tawny!) We needed to catch up on stuff since I barely saw her at my last chemo appointment.

Man, I felt like a celebrity in my happy place. Two people greeted me warmly when they noticed I was seated waiting for someone. The cafe was filled with university students and other varying adult ages. They were getting ready for open mic night. I was up for live performances.

Serina and I were enjoying our drinks when one of the guys working there grabbed my hand and asked to borrow me. Before I knew it, I had a tambourine in my hand and playing it while two other guys sang and performed Fat Bottom Girls on stage. OMG! Yes, it is captured on video and no I have not looked at my Flip camera. I was introduced as Sprinkles and got a "yay Sprinkles" later when I meandered around the cafe later.

There were two flute players that performed among the other guitarists and singers taking the stage. The first one I could tell didn't have the passion for the instrument but could play it. He didn't have the magic I was expecting. The second one blew me away. He had a samba piece from his iPod playing while he played his instrument to a world class level. The guy who grabbed my hand earlier came to me and asked if I like him. I said that the vibrato and legato was amazing. I know I never played the flute like that! He then mentioned how this kid was invited to play Carnegie Hall in New York this summer. Oh, wow! Later he played "Ain't No Sunshine" and it was the most honeyed version I have ever heard. All this enjoyment for free!

There was an amateur tarot card reader present. I decided to investigate and get a reading from her. She was okay. I let her give the reading without any confirmations. At the end of it, I explained my health and situation to make sense of whatever she had told me. I also ended up giving her tips to build her confidence and show her how to give better readings. A couple things that were on my mind were illuminated.

This old lady was outpacing 23-year old Serina. The poor thing was tired from her full-time job, studying for her graduate finals and hanging out past 10pm with me. I relented and called the evening at 10:30pm. I'll have to come to my happy place again for open mic night just to be around this kind of vibe.

xo

Full Moon on My Head

2010-04-27T20:20:00.003-05:00

I see the full moon on my head. It is not full of craters like our own Earth's satellite, but I am sure it has marks that can tell a bit of history. Its own recent history revealing what my life is going through. During an IM conversation with Angie this evening, I told her that I see my bald head, but I don't. I guess my eyes focus on my face. She mentioned something about having phantom hair of some sort.

Truth be told, I still shed a little bit of tears if I allow myself to think about my head. I think about turning 40 in January without my former glory. No, I won't know what my head will look like or how my life will be at that point. I just know I will be on the other side of this thing they call cancer. I refuse to be labeled and defined by scientific names or be bogged down with the all the appointments and hours of chemical drip for my cure. It is what it is.

When all is said and done, it will not be the full moon on my head that we will reflect upon. You will continue to see the sun shining from my smiling face and the stars twinkling in my eyes filled with love for the world. I am still me. I choose joy.

Love,
Sarah xo

Three Days

2010-04-26T21:41:00.002-05:00

These after chemo meds are like kryptonite on your AGOL. Not only does it cause a mental fog, but as mentioned previously it makes me both hyper and tired. Too tired too really concentrate, but too hyper not to complete chores around my apartment.

On Saturday, I had two visitors. My cousin's wife Michelle visited for a spell while she waited for her daughter to attend a birthday party at a nearby museum. Tawny came by in the evening to drop off some eggs for me after her trip to the grocery store. I cannot drive for four days after my chemotherapy. Maybe the fourth day later in the afternoon if I push it.

On Sunday, I did all my laundry and some light cleaning. It sounds like a lot, but really it wasn't. My body would not allow any heavy duty stuff. I was concentrating on managing my energy for the next day.

Today, I worked from home starting at 7am and ended around 3:30pm. I survived two conference calls at 10am and 1pm. As you know my memory is affected these first days so I had to proofread and write every little thing I did which was good. It helped me to see how productive I was. Maybe I was overcompensating for being at home? I was pleased with my progress.

A nurse was supposed to come see me today. I should have canceled it on Friday while I was at the hospital after my talk with my surgeon, but I didn't. After two calls two my regular nurse to make time after my conference calls, I received a call from a different nurse at 4:30. Really?! She woke me up from a nap and told her it was okay. Upon waking further, I called her office and canceled. She called me herself to salvage the appointment. I said yes, but ended up canceling when she called me at 6:15pm to tell me she was about 20 minutes away. Good grief. I was ready for dinner, my last set of kryptonite meds and a shower to make it an early evening before watching some sitcoms. Urgh.

I called my dad and stepmother to check-in. My dad though in retirement is one of the busiest retirees I know with all the associations and church related activities he takes part of throughout Chicago. He holds high positions in a few. My stepmother is still receiving 1-minute radiation daily on her breasts for breast cancer. She has a couple more weeks to go. Luckily, she gets to avoid any chemotherapy. We both get to exchange stories on our health. It is an odd bonding which has made us the closest we have ever been since she's been married to my dad almost 20 years this year.

Tomorrow I will work from home again just to be safe. My memory will be better but it is my slight hazy vision that makes driving and seeing the road a little challenging. Sunglasses will be in order for sure until Thursday while driving. Thank God my vision for seeing my laptop is great. Don't you wish you could share such fun?

Hugs,
Sprinkles xo

Love Infusion No. 3

2010-04-23T23:49:00.003-05:00

Knowing that a chemo day was not going to be easy for once didn't make me feel any better. I've known intuitively for weeks it was to be so. With the knowing, I made sure to be up early or my 5am regular time. By the time Tawny's husband Jeff came to accompany me to the cancer center, I had eaten before 6am, but I had waffles, bacon and coffee ready for him at 7:30am. Lunch would be a long way.

I drove us and checked in to have my blood drawn and as usual my port would not give up any precious drop. My right arm was stuck with a needle and another 1" Huber for my port plus a cocktail to loosen up whatever was making it not work for the draw. It would be in preparation for my infusion later. We made our way around the corner to pick up a refill for after chemo meds before walking a full length back to see my surgeon.

My appointment with my surgeon ended up an hour later. He was never that late. I surmised that later when I was told why my infusion was later, too, due to a machine being down for one of my blood tests (which had to be done manually!) that was the cause and he ended up seeing me anyway. This time he had a medical student interview me before she came to get him so she could perform a private exam in his presence. He seemed pleased of my progress and we talked about the issues with my port which he says is not uncommon and attributed my chest pain from recovering from the surgery, etc. We also discussed my wound and gave me another alternative to care for it so I could start fully exercising my lower body.

During all this time, Jeff was able to log into work in the waiting room thanks to the wifi at the center and he was able to find an outlet when his laptop battery was getting low. He didn't end up burning a vacation or sick day thanks to the access. I was happy he had something to occupy himself and a means to IM Tawny and others.

While we waited to be called for my infusion appointment on the 4th floor, I noticed a man in the midst of a complicated cross stitch work. I must admit I was sexist and thought him a gay man at first. Something compelled me to introduce myself and ask if I could snap a pic for my blog to show how others were coping with their chemotherapy and cancer in general.

Here is Dave with his amazing Victorian houses:

Dave ended up a great guy to talk to before we were called in. Jeff was in the corner logged into work and plugged into a different outlet. He was close enough to listen to the conversation.

At 55, Dave was a special case with three different types of cancers; needless to say, he was on a special team. The one cancer has him carrying an ostomy bag that with a permanent marker, he drew a smiley face and words below it that says, "Shit Happens" which caused the nurses and doctor to laugh today when they examined him. He has to go through radiation and chemotherapy, but will get to keep his full head of hair. Lucky duck!

I liked Dave. He talked about his wife and how they use to own a bed and breakfast in St. Petersburg, about an hour away. Dave got his start doing needlework 16+ years ago to pass time away on a ship that transports to the oil rigs in the Gulf of Mexico. In fact, the rig that just blew up was a sister rig to the one he went to before his health issues. He has other needlework projects waiting for him and takes pride in his progress.

We agreed on our approach to cancer -- lots of humor! He said he sat on our side of the waiting room because the other side was filled with "doe in the headlights" type of people. I decided then and there that our side was where the "cool kids were sitting". Yeah!

My little angel Serina took time out from her research schedule to come to sit a while before she took our lunch order. My lunch was a tortilla wrap filled with ham, brie, and apples while Jeff had a zesty buffalo chicken wrap. I was thankfully able to eat mine right before the Benadryl drip took me to sleep. Maybe I woke up twice? I know I woke up when my bladder decided it needed to be emptied. Jeff was not in sight. I figured he was in the waiting room logged into his laptop. When I returned, he was waiting for me. Serina came again -- it was about 4-ish and she stayed a while before she had to pick up pretty dog Belle from doggie daycare. Kimmee was out of town and she was helping care for the pooch.

My last bag of chemicals was completed around 5:45pm making my stay at the hospital almost nine hours. It was a little rough but went quick. I felt groggier and slower than the last time. Jeff was a good cookie and continued to carry my extra bag. Before we left the elevator well on the bottom floor, I could have sworn I saw a red heart sprinkle. How could it have traveled that far from the other building and still exist from mid-January was my first thought? I backtracked. Jeff did too when I told him what I thought I saw. We found nothing. Jeff said it was meant for me only. I smiled at the phantom image. Perhaps a soul letting me know something -- giving me a soul kiss to cheer me?

I asked Jeff to make one stop at a fast food place so I could get a salad for dinner. There was no point in me trying to make dinner for myself as tired as I was this time. Jeff had dinner waiting for him at home with his family. I was grateful he lasted all day. Three more chemotherapy cocktails or "happy hours" to go, my lovelies...

Love,
Sarah Sprinkles xxoo

Glamcer

2010-04-22T23:59:00.006-05:00

Silent crazed lunatic -- is there such a thing? That's how felt today as I wrapped up some work before taking time off for my third chemo tomorrow. It wasn't all harried; I had some fun. Too much of fun that it made me work later than I had planned originally. Oh, well.

At lunch today, my gal pal Jill was able to see my wig in person for the first time and she loved it. Her hair looked cute, too, with the blonder color and newer cut.

Speaking of Jill... How can two glamorous women be reduced to infantile antics laced with earthy sense of humor in the middle of a nice restaurant? Because they can. We blew situations into comic proportions. For example, Jill mentioned that her boss was so fit he looked like a guy from this fitness commercial. I asked if we could use my cancer as an excuse to be allowed to count how many muscles he had on his abdomen. I know -- shameless!!

More shameless... Jill says I have glamcer -- glamorous cancer. I almost died laughing. Don't you think I didn't start using it at work right after lunch. We are of like mind about not letting situations get us down and to create the light and, if possible, glamorous side of things. It's a way to cope. Things can be ugly, but why not make it beautiful and make us feel good? Yeah, glamcer will soon catch on!

I didn't get to my apartment until 8pm thanks to work and last minute errands before my chemo tomorrow. Tawny called me as I was at the mailbox. I received a key to a separate box that held a package too big for my regular mailbox. For some reason I couldn't get it open. I picked up Tawny a few buildings over who was able to open it for me through super secret spy moves I was too tired to come up with on my own. She helped me carry groceries and my package mailed from the Great White North aka Canada.

My gift opening was saved for last as a reward for the day. I opened to a beautiful Japanese tea set complete with five different flavored teas and a canister to store each as I consume them. I loved the understated design that revealed enough of a color band at the bottom to keep it whimsical. I must say the part I loved best was the mesh strainer inside the teapot. The other ceramic teapots I have don't have one. I have a giant heart-shaped mesh tea ball I could have used, but this makes it easier. Tawny properly ooh'd and aah'd with me as I opened everything. Thanks to a very special friend for sending me such a thoughtful and lovely gift.

I now have something new to look forward to during my recovery weekend...

Hugs,
Sarah xo

Wig Envy

2010-04-21T04:28:00.002-05:00

This is bit difficult to say but I am jealous of my wig. I have wig envy.

For almost three weeks now at work I have been complimented on "my hair" multiple times a day. The most surprising have been the men who have told me how much they liked it...even men who were too afraid to come up to me. What is it that makes them feel comfortable enough to tell me? I recall Tawny's husband Jeff's words at how it almost makes me look shy. Maybe it is a softer look? I almost want to scream to everyone how cool and edgy my short hair was before! Only about a couple dozen people at work saw that hairstyle during a brief February visit. Sniffle.

I haven't been secretive about the wig, but now that I have informed the co-workers I have more than a passing acquaintance I no longer correct other people. I figured the word would be passed along. Please don't misunderstand me. I am happy that my wig looks like real hair because I do love it and it brings me comfort in looking like myself.

One day I will have enough hair to shed my wig. From then I will grow my hair to its former glory to my make wig envious.

Kisses,
Sprinkles

Reassessment

2010-04-20T18:35:00.004-05:00

Just when I finally feel like being in the swing of things at work, I get to feel unwell again thanks to my chemo this coming Friday. I have more of the same cycle reoccurring in the next couple of months. My mind just has to be trained to withstand the mental and physical toll.

In between the "spaces" that is work and chemotherapy are blank spaces ready to be filled in with either meeting with friends and family or resting. You would think that with all my outings, I wouldn't have time to think on things...to reassess. I guess I am one of the lucky ones because I can find the time.

A magazine article and a youtube video within days of each other said a person without goals is someone without direction or is just getting in the car and spinning their wheels. Each day is supposed to have a goal or goals...

This Sunday I completed a treasure map. Nothing with pirates, but a visual representation of how I would like my life to be or my goals using a giant poster board, magazine cutouts of words and images, pictures of myself, glue and colored markers. This is the second one I've done that I can recall. The other was done about 17 years ago. I designed it using the principles of feng shui by placing images as they pertain to the bagua map and made sure I completed it while the New Moon was in the sign of Aries. This sign is the first sign in the zodiac and this is one of the better times to put your intention to the universe. You may call it bollocks but it works for me.

During my lunch yesterday I completed a little thing "how to find your passion" questionnaire from an advertising mogul:

1) What did you love as a kid?

I loved making things. I liked being recognized or being in front of people. I wasn't afraid of doing dance choreography and when I was 12 I was able to do a show for my school's Spring Fling concert. I loved designing. I still love designing as well as writing to express myself.

2) What was your best day and what were you doing? What did that involve?

My best days at school were when I was leading, creating and being recognized for it. My best days outside of school are always when I spent time of either my family or friends laughing, sharing a meal and telling stories.

3) Who are you jealous of?

David Bowie (he's just cool), Martha Stewart (for her drive and perfectionism), Madonna (for her maverick style in her reinventions), Angelina Jolie (this biatch is just hot and she can pilot a helicopter!) and Richard Branson (he puts the sexy in entrepreneur and he's fearless).

4) What would you do even if you weren't being paid?

I would come up with ideas for things all day and I would make stuff from concept to marketing. Of course, I enjoy helping people and making them feel special.

5) What would your script read if you were its author, no holds barred?

Script? I was thinking more like dust jacket on a book. Wickedly Blessed: Author and Innovator Sarah Sprinkles' inspirational journey to spread love, joy and beauty into the world.

Now we know I am not in my chosen career or bliss. I am thankful it allows me to live and pay bills. Before the alien extraction I was somewhat content to keep going and toss around my hopes, wishes and dreams. Months after the extraction and now chemotherapy, I am not so content. I want the second half of my life to be spent doing things I have always wanted to explore and be. There are so many things on my bucket list. I hope I get to do them all. My enthusiasm is only tempered by my immediate health concerns. My mind is miles ahead. Then my body will just have to do its best to catch up.

Love,
Sprinkles xxoo

No Rest for the Wicked

2010-04-17T22:29:00.002-05:00

Kids are natural ghouls -- fans of things gross, uncomfortable and slightly scary. The kids in my family are definite ghouls. We are constantly teasing them mercilessly. This afternoon I had my cousin's kid Kristen sit on my lap facing me and watch as I slowly revealed my bald head by pushing back the wig off my head.

"Ew! Don't ever go outside like that," was her response.

I wasn't offended in the least. We were giggling the whole time. Her brother Carter watched with his mouth open as he peered on the other side of the sliding glass doors into the living room. I asked him later if it was weird. He smiled big and said "yes". Later he told me how much he liked my wig. Their mother said I reminded her of Cirque du Soleil with the dramatic make-up and bald head. It was an odd comparison but I knew what she meant. I got up and showed her husband in the front room. He didn't bat an eyelash. I think he was taken aback and trying to keep cool. For once, he was speechless.

Why reveal to the kids? I had talked about getting shaved weeks ago and when they saw me this time around I had a new hairdo. I find it easier if you are more honest with kids about what is going on in your life, in this case -- cancer, and what happens during the its treatment. Knowing things gives them comfort instead of wondering why the appearance of someone they love keeps changing in an unusual way. You don't have to be macabre or bang them over the head with the truth; however, being secretive does them no favors...

I have not blogged in a while because I have been mentally tired from work and my evenings have been consumed with planned and unplanned visits. On Wednesday, I was too tired from my Tuesday night outing. Serina visited on Thursday because she wanted to paint my toes a very dark apple red. Friday had Tawny making a stop to visit after she and her husband walked around the apartment complex around 8pm.

Why not turn them down I hear someone asking? I don't turn them down because my chemo is on the 23rd and during that weekend I am sequestered at home to recover from my third infusion. Maximizing my time with friends and family in between chemo recoveries is very important to me no matter how it tires me.

By noon today I had already gone with Kimmee to a quilt shop. I bought a yard each of three fabric designs I am going to sew into envelope pillow covers for the pillows on my sofa. One of my goals is to do manageable changes within my apartment during my chemotherapy (two and a half more months!). I can't sand and prepare furniture for paint and paint them but I can do some light sewing.

My aunt changed our dinner plans for Sunday to this afternoon since my cousin's family was available. You may remember telling you that my aunt is going to the Philippines next week for three weeks. This meant that I had to cancel my dinner plans with Kimmee and Serina. Family first...

I made one stop to my new happy place before venturing to my aunt's. The owner was singing and playing an electric guitar as I walked in. I placed my signature order of jackfruit with mango jelly and boba (translation: jackfruit flavored slush drink with little bits of mango flavored jelly and giant tapioca pearls at the bottom) with the Vietnamese guy behind the counter. I had to reveal to him that I had my Asian license to order that particular flavor. HA! Once I assured him I was half-Filipino, he seemed relieved to make me the drink again from the last time I was in the cafe. He was too busy before to ask.

When I was finished confirming my order and turned towards the small stage, the Caucasian owner was excited to see me and announced to me from the stage how he was having his own private concert. I clapped to show my own enthusiasm. He was a better guitar player than singer, but I appreciated his enthusiasm while he sang "Your Song" by Elton John while my drinks were being made. (I ordered an extra one for my aunt to try.) My drinks were ready when he started another song. I raised my drinks to him on the way out and I was rewarded a smile and accompanying wink for my effort. His age was hard to tell with his boyish face and all gray hair. I will have to wait two more weekends to bring my laptop and actually sit a while.

The week before chemo seems to have a harried pattern to try and get things done. I have extra cleaning to do as well as make my chemo candy bracelets. Wish me luck on making it through with work and everything else. There is no rest for the wicked.

Hugs,
Sprinkles

You Cannot Make This Up

2010-04-13T21:21:00.005-05:00

Forgive me -- Everything has caught up with me and made me a little tired so this is a rush post...

Thursday and Friday were very good days at work. I felt like myself again. Saturday I met Kristey and Myrna for a long breakfast. The rest of the morning and a part of the afternoon were spent bumming around town shopping for more beads and some grocery. Kimmee invited me with her family to a Japanese steakhouse for some yummy dinner. On Sunday, I waited for a nurse to come see my wound. Part of it had reopened -- surface only!

I've driven to and from work with Tawny the past two days as her husband had taken time off for his birthday which was today. I treated both of them and their eldest son to a favorite haunt where we had a jovial dinner. We also went to my new happy place, a bubble tea cafe, before driving us home...

You cannot make this up -- I noticed the bruise on my left forearm is heart-shaped! I received it after a nurse stuck a needle in there and dug a little for a vein before my chemo two Fridays ago. My port was acting up so she had to take blood from another vein. If you were in front of me and looked at my arm you would see a heart staring at you. I even bruise in hearts!

Hugs,
S

Most Beautiful Words

2010-04-10T15:14:00.001-05:00

Today I read the most beautiful words I have ever read in my life. It is the last line of Pablo Neruda's Love Poem XIV:

I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.

..........

I have an unnatural affinity for cherry trees and cherry blossoms. I am not sure why. The plastic covering for my phone has cherry blossoms... My favorite scene in "Memoirs of a Geisha" involves cherry blossoms. Every spring I watch the news for video feed of the cherry blossoms in Washington, D.C.

Reading the words above caused such an energy within me to explode like giant fireworks. Each hot, bright and colorful strand moving in slow motion outward and far reaching. The words were so beautiful and visceral that I had no choice but to weep. I loved it.

Love,
Sarah

Emergency Trip

2010-04-07T20:41:00.000-05:00

Today was my big adventure. I drove myself to work. I would have gone straight to work had it not been for my little side trip to the emergency room for chest pains. I must have twisted my torso incorrectly and my port balked at the position? I don't know.

I spoke to Tawnyia and Jeff before talking to an on-call doctor at the cancer center. Because they don't have a cardiac unit and my breathing sounded laborious, I either needed to drive myself or call for an ambulance to be checked out just for sure. By this time, the pain had subsided and I was still trying not to panic. Luckily for me, a hospital was five minutes away.

A nurse checked me in and wheeled me to the cardiac portion of the emergency room. Before long, vials of blood were drawn, I was hooked up to an EKG and an X-ray was taken while I was on the bed. A heart surgeon came, too. There was no rush as I seemed to be weathering things.

I wanted to get to work. Time waiting for results found me texting my boss and various galpals. What else was I gonna do? When I asked how much more time I would have to wait, they said a couple of hours as I had to get a cat scan for my chest just to eliminate the possibility of a blood clot in my lungs. Oh, joy.

A male hospital worker wheeled me to radiology. There were two other women staged waiting to be scanned in the corridor. I teased that there was a sale and that they were giving these scans away. I ended up connecting with an elderly black lady who was a heart patient. She told me about her recent retirement, etc. We had a good laugh. The lady in between us could not see me, but she could hear me. When the black lady was wheeled in for her scan, her bed passed me and we touched each other's hands and wished the other good luck. Now there were only two of us in the corridor and I asked the other lady if she was okay; she had been quiet during the whole exchange.

Something interesting happened. The lady asked a passing female hospital worker to maneuver her bed around so she could see me and talk to me. This lady had fallen at home over the weekend and was just now coming to have herself checked out. She was worried about attending her niece's wedding this weekend. I couldn't tell her age but she looked in her late 50s. I assured her that the bump on her face could be covered in make-up and she could still have a good time. She was wheeled in another room minutes later.

I didn't have to wait long. The radiologist was the same guy I had back in December for my tumor. I reminded him of it though I knew he'd seen hundreds of people since then. He asked about my chemo but did his radiology thing so we could get the scans. The same male hospital worker came to get me and wheel me back to the emergency room. I remarked on how quiet the hospital was because normally it was busy. His reply? "Oh, no -- people are just waking up and falling now." Apparently he was an expert on the traffic flow of the emergency room.

My tummy was rumbling so I asked for a snack. I received a packet of graham crackers and a small container of milk. One thing I know for sure -- hospitals will not deny you snacks. Ha!

The attending heart doctor came to see me and release me. He said everything came out clear and the scan showed something about my thyroid. WHAT?! Apparently, that is something I can get checked out later. Jeezus. You can go in for one thing and then sprout more crap wrong with you. Grrr.

I finally drove myself to work with one call from Serina slightly berating me for not calling her in my time of need. I didn't mention the other few people ready to rescue me. She was concerned and just wanted to make sure what her mother told her about my condition was true and not exaggerated or minimized.

Work resumed without incident. A vendor came by to drop off lunch so within 30 minutes of being at work, I was having an early lunch. The rest of the afternoon was easy and I drove home around 5:30pm. I consciously sang along with an old song playing on the radio, Cool Change by The Little River Band.

Time for
a cool change...
I know that it's time
for a cool change
Now that my life
is so pre-arranged
I know that it's time
for a cool change

I think the universe was trying to tell me something... Thank God my evening was no where near as eventful as my morning.

Better Yet Fuzzy

2010-04-06T18:43:00.000-05:00

I debated about posting today. Thanks to a couple of hours yawning in front of me, I will.

There was nothing earth shattering today. I woke up a few minutes before my 4:30am alarm. I was more than ready when Jeff and Tawny came around 6:30am. What I was not prepared for was how empty my office was at 7:06am. I had to use my badge to get past the 8th floor reception and walk around semi-dark halls. I could have sworn I heard crickets!

Lights flooded my floor within 30 minutes. By this time, I was about to get my second cup of coffee to wake-up. My meds from last night were still in effect. I would do anything today to facilitate flushing the last effects as well as chemo working through my system.

My work today was more focused on easy ended tasks which was a great way to get back into the swing of things. Projects that I was involved with were put back in my lap. I will have to devote the next several days to learning our new accounting system since it has been months since I first touched it. My buddy Bridget will be training me.

My return to work will allow for my other team members to feel that they can start taking time off since they've had self-imposed moratorium on time off. Next week, my boss' kids' have Spring Break as do Bridget's son. My boss will be off all week while Bridget will take Thursday, Friday and the following Monday off. All this means is that I need to get up to speed. My chemo brain should be much cleared for new learning and handling things starting tomorrow. I am anxious to be a solid and productive member of my team again.

If it were not for the brain fog, I think today would have felt like normal. People were still coming around and that's how I know it is not quite normal. I have to learn not to be so hard on myself. My journey to wellness is a big deal and will take time. Living with it, at least in my case, makes it seem less. It is my attitude and the immense love and support I've received that have made it easier to bear each day.

Jeff retrieved me at 3pm and I was definitely ready to go. It was another early day and because I didn't take a nap after getting home, this day seems a lot longer. I just have to take a shower and head for bed. Three hours more until bedtime. Yawn.

First Day Back at Work

2010-04-05T20:41:00.001-05:00

Extra alarms and extra notes for myself made the 5am wake-up more organized. It was timing the two different sets of meds that facilitated the early wake-up before Jeff came to drive me to work around 7:30am.

Everyone was welcoming when they saw me or sought me out when they heard I was at my desk. Those who caught me in the hall were agog. I am three sizes down from the tumor and my new hair is much lighter and shorter compared to previous long AGOL hair. It was great to be back in at half capacity.

The second set of meds kicked in making my brain and vision fuzzy. I have my last dose for this past chemo tonight. My boss briefed me on what was expected going forward after we discussed how the next couple of days would be for me. I have things to look forward to as we go along. I also attended a conference call which is a sure sign I was back at work.

Around 3pm Jeff met me at my desk where I was glad to go home early and rush home for a few hours of nap time before my evening regimen. My bedtime will be 10pm tonight for an early morning ride with Jeff and Tawny which will bring me to work at 7am. Methinks Jeff will have to drop me off home early again which works out because he can then go home early and rest before he has to go online for work at night for a work project. We'll see... Good night, my lovelies.

Kisses,
S

Hidden Bunny

2010-04-04T21:02:00.002-05:00

Cancer surgery and chemotherapy have affected and permeated all aspects of my being. From reading my entries since January, you know it all already. Whereas I would have driven to my aunt's home for Easter Sunday dinner today, I was forced to spend the time at home for recovery -- essentially making me a shut-in. Perhaps I could have made the trek, but I am no fool to chance it.

I dressed up a little today anyway instead of being in another set of pyjamas like yesterday. My phone was busy with sending and receiving Easter messages. The meds made me extra sleepy around lunch and I didn't hear my aunt's initial phone call to come over.

My aunt and uncle wanted to come and bring me some cooked food this afternoon so I wouldn't have to cook for a few days. I called them back about a half hour later. They ended up not having a traditional Easter meal either since their grandkids and my cousins came right after church for a two hours before celebrating the other grandma's birthday on the other side of town. My aunt and uncle had not expected the short visit but I know this pleased them immensely.

The food drop off last no more than ten minutes which was okay. I was grateful to see a family member. I then prepared all the food in more manageable and separate containers. My aunt had made beef and broccoli which I know Tawny enjoys so I made her a container for her lunch tomorrow complete with rice and a packet of soy sauce on top of the plastic lid. I texted her of the news...

Bananas. You can buy bananas thinking you can eat the whole bunch before they ripen to that stage that is almost uncomfortable to chew. Today I had three that I couldn't let go another day so I made banana muffins. While baking them in the oven, Tawny texted me that she was on her way over.

Tawny came bearing her own gifts of a plate of traditional Easter dinner and an adorable basket of Easter candies and blue marshmallow peeps:

I was thrilled at the gifts and I am never too old to receive Easter candy baskets. I giggled. Tawny stayed for a little bit to chat and to breathe from her apartment full of her extended family. We also tried out the delicious banana muffins. She went home with her lunch for tomorrow as well as some banana muffins. There was no way I could eat it all and I didn't have any room left in my freezer to store some.

The rest of my evening was making a list and preparing all my stuff for work tomorrow. Took more meds and showered. Now enjoying tea before bedtime. Hope you had a great Easter!

Hidden Bunny,
Sprinkles xxoo

Just Saturday

2010-04-03T23:59:00.002-05:00

For me the great thing about my blog is that I get to go back and review how I felt from the first chemo infusion for comparison. This morning felt like my normal day. I popped my after chemo meds for nausea prevention and it didn't make me too tired the whole day which was wonderful!

I treated my aunt to a fried rice breakfast of rice, eggs, garlic and onion with fresh grape tomatoes garnishing the edges of the plate. It was quite pretty and very tasty! She kept saying how she needed to come over more often as she was spoiled. I told her that she always takes care of me and spoils me so it was my turn to do the same for her. My uncle picked her up before noon as they had guests coming over.

The rest of the day passed without any spikes of activity or excitement. I updated my blog and got on facebook as well as texted. Talked to Angie, too. One load of laundry was completed. My mind was filled with thoughts about getting back to work on Monday and how I would manage my energy each day as the chemo works through my body.

I confess it is a bit daunting. My work environment has a changed a little. My boss says not really but he's had three months to get used to the subtle changes where I will see the change in black and white with no gradation. Also, my perspective on life is different. My new goals for my life are being formed each day. Not sure how the two will meld. Like they say, it always works out.

Hug,
Sprinkles xo

Love Infusion No. 2

2010-04-02T23:59:00.002-05:00

Are four alarms enough to make sure your AGOL wakes up in time for her second chemo infusion? Okay, it was a bit overkill, but I didn't make it into bed until 1:30am. In case you needed to know, two alarms were sufficient to get up at 6/6:10am. One to open my eyes and the other to remind me I had to get out of bed and make it up again so the superfluous decorator pillows were displayed nicely over the comforter.

I woke up my aunt at 7am so she could complete her morning regimen. While she did that I prepared her cereal in the bowl, a banana for her to add on the side and some sexy coffee I made. I introduced her to a new brand of almond milk I have fallen in love with for her cereal. Breakfast was eaten and a last minute check-up performed in our bags for snacks and paperwork for the entire day at the cancer center.

Check-in was great. Found out I didn't have to include a co-pay of $30 as my visit was considered a follow-up to my port install surgery. My surgeon was surprised to see me NOT undressed and ordered me to quickly undress for my "cookie" exam. (There is so much I want to interject here -- just snicker with me instead.) When he re-entered the exam room, I was giggling behind the curtain and my aunt on the other side was giggling, too.

My wound no longer needs any covering and I can safely exercise even a bit more strenuously if I want. He said I looked good. Of course, my rock star surgeon -- glamor make-up, sassy wig and scintillating smile makes Sprinkles easier to gaze at. LOL Before I long I had a metal speculum inserted and then his own surgeon's human (ahem) digits. You know. No pain or anything. He was very pleased. He left and came back with a prescription for my return to work on Monday and a reminder that every exam from now on will require a vaginal exam. Well, now. Just of the girls: Isn't like a man to rush you to undress, feel you up all kinds of manner and still leave you unsatisfied? AND I am paying for the privilege. Hee.

My surgeon's nurse met me outside to give me papers for my next appointment. I showed her my chemo candy bracelet on my wrist that says "chemo sexy". She laughed and wanted to show my surgeon. I gave her one to give him which said the same thing and she mentioned that I could sell them downstairs at the gift shop. Maybe later when I can get a schedule together and my online shop is up and running, I can expand. Wild, huh?

I scurried with my aunt to the pharmacy to get my after chemo meds. Instead of paying $20 like last time, my refill together was under $8. We then made it to the fourth floor for my blood draw where I was informed that my appointment was supposed to be downstairs at 7:15am. What?! All of the paper work I have and the automated call confirmed for 9:30am blood draw. Someone had changed the schedule two days ago and never called me. I told the nice lady that I was not dragging my aunt again downstairs after taking her to the other building for the meds. I also informed her I was not happy and for her to figure it out. My scheduling times were meticulously recorded in two places for me not to forget because of my chemo brain which makes my memory a little crazy. A supervisor quickly got me in and then took care of other things for my next appointment.

So......my port was a bit temperamental. I required a 1" Huber needle (read as big ass needle) instead of a 3/4" needle for my port. The nurse had the worst time trying to get blood and had to stick me in the arm with a regular needle for the first draw. I teased her that maybe I received the "dumb ass port" instead of the "smart port". She had me pumping my left arm, coughing, breathing heavily and I even jumped up and down when she had me stand up. We resorted to a plaque clearing solution that had to be administered by a higher ranking nurse so that my port would be ready for my infusion.

While my aunt and I were in the waiting area, I found out that I needed more blood draws for kidney and liver function which were probably ordered by my surgeon thus resulting in my infusion being an hour later. The delay was okay because Serina was coming to get our orders for lunch and we could eat leisurely.

Regarding my Chemo Candy bracelets, I gave one out to a lady in the clinic area. She was very surprised and bemused, but I knew in my heart she needed one. I later felt her gaze upstairs in the infusion center waiting room. I gave out more bracelets in the infusion center to more receptive individuals who smiled and wore them immediately. One elderly lady received hers on her first day of chemo. She was thankful as was her family. I gave one to my needle a nurse and two more to a man and a lady who took their places next to me in the afternoon. Their infusion was only for an hour each, mine was 4.5 hours this time. Serina took one for someone in her office when she came later to check on me. I had two left for the guys. It would seem that the ratio of women to men getting chemo was much higher.

My aunt drove us home and I made us more sexy coffee. We chatted while I cooked some jasmine rice to her liking. She likes the rice drier than sticky like Angie and me. My leftover noodle dish was reheated as a main dish with rice, hot sauce and ponzu sauce. We ate like Filipino princesses!

Tawny came later to visit us and I served us some caramel praline ice cream with chocolate peanut cookie sticks on the side. We dissected the day and laughed like girlies. Tawny eventually left since she had a very early start to her day. My aunt and I chatted the evening away until the day finally caught up on us. We found it hard to keep our lids open.

Love,
Sarah xo

Card Reading

2010-04-01T23:59:00.001-05:00

Today (April Fool's Day) made me so mad that I cannot include most of in this blog. My other blog with Tawny -- have you found it yet? -- gets to have my less genteel and less loving entries. Sometimes you just have to vent any incredible bile boiling within someplace specific to get it off your chest...

Kimmee and her daughter Serina (plus cute doggie Belle!) came over around 8pm. Serina had requested a card reading from me a few hours earlier. I almost said to come on the weekend, but remembered that my freshened infusion of chemo would alter my energy. She reminded me of a reading I gave her years ago that came to fruition regarding her chosen medical field and wanted new insight on things in general. Part of me was excited to see how I would feel giving a reading for someone else now that the alien protrusion from my tummy was gone. I gave Serina a reading in my bedroom for more privacy. I am not going to give you specific details of that reading but to tell you how I felt because I want to remember it later.

Giving readings to individuals who are very close to me are few and far between. (Yes, Jill - I owe you one!) It is a personal fine line and I only I agree to it if I feel good about it when asked. I could get a request for a future date and know instinctively it would not be a good day energy-wise to give a reading. Tonight's reading was last minute but health activities facilitated a yes decision and I knew she need some immediate guidance.

There we were sitting on my bed when I asked her to shuffle my Osho deck and pick seven random cards. She repeated the shuffling and then gave me an additional five cards at my request. Do not ask me how I do it every time because I don't have a routine or follow any kind of special pattern. The deck is just a tool for focusing on the individual; God knows I need special tools for focusing these days.

My favorite Osho card...naturally:

The cards may present and illustrate a theme but my inner voice gravitates to a portion of the beautiful illustrations that is more meaningful to the person who has picked the cards. I was a little nervous at first -- with the second card everything came so quickly and with such surety that my confidence built. The reading itself was for about 30 minutes and the rest of the hour, before her mother reminded us it was getting late (weeknight!), we discussed general things that were brought out by the reading. Serina felt much better and could take some mental/emotional burdens off her shoulders.

The girlies and beautiful doggie Belle left my aunt and me to talk until after midnight. We both suffer some sort of insomnia so it was easy to enable each other. It was great to be with my aunt. I went to sleep thinking more about my first reading since the alien tumor was extracted in January than my next chemo infusion.

Hugs,
Sprinkles

Worn Out

2010-03-31T22:10:00.005-05:00

Wore myself out the last couple of days. It was no surprise that I needed to be horizontal on the sofa for a few hours today and be away from the computer. My "To Do List" had a couple of items which prevented a whole day of relaxing.

Cleaning my tub and sink with Lysol formulated with bleach took my breath away. I had to turn the fan on and not breathe too much while I scrubbed the tub. It wasn't really dirty but I am OCD. My bathroom is one of the cleanest ones around!

My bald head was nice to have while putting on my make-up. It made it easier and not have to move hair around. The wig went on nicely right after. Having a bald scalp feels a little freer if I may say. It is not as bad living with it as I thought it would be. Good thing.

I had called the pharmacy earlier to get my prescription refilled so that when I went through the drive-thru it was ready. After that quick stop, I drove to the Asian store for some proper noodles for a Filipino dish called pancit and a couple of boxes of my favorite tea.

Soon after I was cutting veggies and chicken breasts in my kitchen to saute with garlic and onion. The thin rice noodles were rehydrated with hot water for several minutes then drained before I put them in the big pot with the veggies and chicken. A handy can of chicken stock gave the noodles the rest of its hydration to flavorful plumpness. The noodle mixture was properly seasoned with soy sauce and a bit of fish sauce. It was yummy! When I plated some for my dinner, I topped it off with some ponzu sauce since I didn't have fresh calamansi or tart citrus.

I took my place back on the sofa to rest a couple of hours later and I texted my BFFs while watching TV. Tawny texted to say that she and Jeff were walking around the apartment complex and wanted to visit me. I warned that my wig was off but put it back on during the visit to show Tawny. They visited for about a half hour. Tawny left with a container of pancit for her lunch at work tomorrow.

I'm tired right now. My posts may not be every day starting tomorrow just because of work and chemo; however, I will try my best to post even for a few brief paragraphs.

Love,
Sprinkles xxoo

Eurasian Pixie

2010-03-30T22:18:00.003-05:00

A very sweet friend gave me the name of my new look: Eurasian Pixie. Sounds groovy to me. That's what I am going to tell other people when I explain why I chose this particular wig or look.

My wig took me two tries to put on this morning only because I hadn't asked the salon hairdresser how to do it yesterday and to be honest, I was not paying attention. The only thing I have to get used to is having hair in my eyes. I am too afraid to put the wig back more for fear of it popping off or slipping at an inopportune time. Ha.

My nurse was most annoying to me today. She had called at 10:18am to make a window appointment between 12pm and 12:30pm. When 1pm rolled around without a call, I called her phone and left her a voicemail saying that with or without her I would be leaving at 1:30pm or 1:45pm. I had stuff to do and I was ready to leave the apartment. Wouldn't you know she called me at 1:30pm to ask if I was still home and that she was on the road and two minutes from me? Two minutes my ass. She was almost 16 minutes. Grrr. To top it off -- there was NO APOLOGY. This nurse is very nice but her time management skills have got to go. The appointment is an easy earning of money for her -- believe me.

My "To Do List" was very specific today: finish clothes shopping. Two stores yielded me another pair of black denim jeans, two pairs of dark blue denim jeans, one pair of chinos, one white camisole to wear under my new turquoise blouse from the other day, three new bras, one black lacy underwear (ooh-lala!) and two pairs of large earrings to wear especially during scarf days. I also did a bit more grocery shopping since I forgot some things from yesterday.

For dinner I cooked the best veggie product: smoked hickory barbecue "riblet". Oh my gosh was it delicious! My craving for barbecue was satisfied with a mystery veggie product slathered in sauce. I eat about 65% meatless dishes and I am hoping to increase the percentage going forward.

My evening was further brightened by a wacky call from Jill. She says my hair reminds her of a "spy look". I reminded her of one of my facebook comments regarding Emma Peel of The Avengers. Our sense of the ridiculous was amplified within minutes. Who needs to watch blockbuster drama films when we can create our own and laugh like girlies having a slumber party? She always astounds me and makes me laugh out loud. Jill can do all this while directing her two energetic sons for their evening routine.

It is late now, the news is on. I finally took my wig off and it is next to my laptop until I let it rest on its wig stand. The whole wig thing feels normal at the end of today. After my shower, I will don my Super Comfy Super Soft Sleep Cap. I guess it is my version of a nightcap until I can have any kind of alcohol in late summer. Meanwhile, I will find ways to play up my new look.

Hugs,
Sprinkles xo

PS Check this out: Bald Model. If only my own cranium looked so chic naked!

A Cut Above

2010-03-29T21:54:00.002-05:00

I couldn't remember the last time I left my house without brushing my hair. Seeing the clumps of hair clinging to the brush so easily was becoming more annoying than traumatic so I didn't brush it at all. I hid my head under my cap again before leaving the house.

Jeff and I made our way to the cancer center pharmacist first to drop off my refills for after chemo on Friday. We then went to the floor below to the salon for my shave. I didn't feel sad and I didn't give any tears. There was only a sense of surreal about the whole process. My scalp was tender and that's what I concentrated on.

The salon hairdresser offered to turn the chair so I wouldn't have to see the process but what was the point? I would have to see my bald head eventually. Seeing half my head shaved was weird. The razor could be felt buzzing around my head and I could feel it being moved around. My only thought was that it wasn't me -- it wasn't happening to me but to someone else.

Jeff said it was hard to watch the shave though he knew it was for the best. He agreed to video the floor and the back of my head so I could get snapshots for my blog. Oh -- Serina, Kimmee's daughter came to see me and give support during the whole process. With Jeff, Serina and the salon hairdresser, I was able to get a consensus on how the wig looked after it was styled.

Hair on floor:

Deed done:

My new wig is not me -- I am growing to like it. The following shot is awkward, but I wanted to show you the cut. The bangs came with the wig and were cut further so the whole thing wasn't straight across and some of the long strands in the front were cut more to the shape of my face. Had I kept it, the look would've look harsh. Jeff said the hair make me look shy?? I think that is what he said.

For being there for me, I took Jeff out for lunch and then he accompanied me to the grocery shopping I have been wanting to do for a whole week. I spent $150 but saved $41. My coffers were almost bare and I needed to make sure I have food on hand especially since I will be recovering from my second chemo next week as I try to assimilate back to work.

I took Jeff back home after he helped me carry groceries. There was another errand I needed to complete so I did that while I had my wig on. My wig was replaced with a snood later, but on me it looks an oversized beret with my big head. I am not comfortable yet going without any head covering at home. Seeing my head bare again didn't produce any tears. I was pleasantly surprised that my head shape was actually not bad. My head was not shaved to the skin. It is more like a 5 o'clock shadow which will soon fall out. The scalp is still tender and I was told the sensation will go away.

The shave is done. We can all breathe again. Thanks for all your support through messages on facebook, texts on my phone, e-mails and comments on my blog. All of it helped me get through this difficult stage of my cancer cure. xxo

Love,
Sarah

Getting Crabby

2010-03-28T22:07:00.001-05:00

Have you ever taken one of those packages of shower caps from a hotel along with the free shampoo, conditioner, etc.? I am sure you have taken one or more of something. My fingers were rummaging through one of the containers in my bathroom closet praying for a shower cap. I found one!

As you know my hair strands are committing chemo-kaze by launching themselves from my "no longer developing follicles" to land indiscriminately at a rate of speed that takes my breath away. This morning was the first day I found loose strands on my pillow. That means I can no longer style it at all. I have to avoid brushing it only when necessary. A shower cap allowed me to shower without getting my hair wet. Talk about a lifesaver -- one cheap plastic cap with elastic!

I capped my head again and gently brushed around the cap after getting dressed and putting on make-up. Kathy called me just as I was leaving for my aunt's to arrange to pick up her aerobed. I felt confident in my cap as I went out in the rain with Kathy's aerobed in tow.

My aunt's house was loud with her grandchildren running amok. They provided easy amusement while we waited for our steamed Alaskan crab leg dinner to be ready. My family was crowded around the dining room table. Somehow I ended up between two grandkids I had to assist opening crab legs. This slowed down my crab eating so I was last at the table. My uncle came to see what I was doing while he helped to clean off the table. I told him I was pondering a call I received when I drove up. I received a call that disturbed me because it had caught me by surprise and I was trying to figure out what it meant.

Kathy ended up meeting me back at my place to pick up her aerobed instead of my aunt's. We chatted a while before she made her way back home to Jacksonville. Me? I texted Tawny's husband Jeff to remind him that the salon trip tomorrow was a shave and a wig styling. He is working from home part of the day and accompanying me for my shave. Jeff is a great guy and I am very lucky he volunteered for the job. God knows I would have never asked. Why am I always surprised at the outpouring of support and available help? Maybe it is because I never take that kind of generosity and heart for granted. I do not forget how wickedly blessed I am.

Kisses,
Sprinkles xo

Shop Til You Drop

2010-03-27T23:54:00.001-05:00

In nine days I will be returning back to work. My last day at work was January 11th, a day before my surgery. There is much to be done as far as preparation like grocery shopping and clothes shopping. Oh, yes -- I do have a shave on Monday, a nurse visit on Tuesday and my second chemo appointment on Friday. Today there was only one thing to do and that was clothes shopping...

I drove to my friend Kimmee's house where her daughter and daughter's two college roommates were visiting her. They left and Kim drove us to a very good Mexican restaurant at the mall. What could be more flattering than shopping for clothes on full bellies? It was better to be full than have touchy tempers from low sugar.

Did I tell you that my company is now allowing denim or Casual Friday wear everyday? The only employees who have to dress Business Casual are those who are meeting with clients face-to-face. With my much slimmer figure and the new dress code, I have no choice but to buy new clothes. I can still wear some of my blouses; they will be roomier but will do for now.

I don't recall the last time I was really outdoors for a certain amount of time. The mall by Kimmee's house is all outdoors so people can stroll outside in between ducking into posh shops and restaurants. I kept my sunglasses on and wore a beige cap embellished with shiny silver dots drawn into a cute skull and crossbones on one side. Kathy had given me this gift the weekend she stayed and cleaned my apartment. Brushing my hair is too traumatizing right now so I have elected to cap my head since I can no longer style it for fear of creating a significant bald spot somewhere.

Meandering around the stores and trying out clothes in a few different fitting rooms wasn't the chore I thought it would be. I was able to find things on sale so it was more gentle on my pocket book. Three shirts and one pair of black denim were my treasures. I need to buy a few more pants and new bras/panties. That will be a Tuesday adventure to my regular store. Kimmee was able to find a pair each of black and dark gray denim pants. Happiness all around!

We made it back to her house all shopped out. Her daughter treated us to a generous Thai dinner for five of us gals to share. We laughed and talked until Kim's husband came home at 11pm. I got home at 11:30pm! It was a great day to feel normal.

Hugs,
Sarah xo

Lemonade

2010-03-26T21:36:00.002-05:00

My favorite recent quote is by Guy Fieri, chef and television star:

If God gives you lemons, make lemonade, and hopefully you’ve got some friends with vodka.

The Universe has been giving me tools to make lemonade with top shelf vodka. Hey, with my current life, I need some spiritual vodka since I cannot have any alcohol. Okay -- it is recommended that I do not consume any alcohol.

My post yesterday on Chemo Candy by Sarah Sprinkles was a hit. It got noticed by a site that wants me to publish an article regarding my bracelets. The site provides support to families dealing with cancer. The lady asked if I sold them. Not yet. I am still setting up my Etsy shop and I have to make extra product to sell online. This will fund my bracelets so I can give more!!! I am not there to make high profits, but it would be great to have my bracelets self-funding. Soon I will have bracelets and related-themed product online. Isn't this wonderful?

Tawny's husband* dropped her off at my place this evening. We shopped for more beads and ate some taco action. She left me early so she could get some stuff done. My mind was busy building ideas for my 'smile' empire. Ha. Today's e-mail was an affirmation to the direction I want to take my life which has a vein in public service. When you're as blessed as I am, you need to find a way to give back. Let's make some lemonade!

Love,
Sarah

*Jeff has also volunteered to be there for me on Monday since my aunt cannot make it. Apparently, he's an expert on blubbering females. ;p I've also asked him to do henna tattoos on my bald head as soon as I get clearance from my surgeon next Friday. If I am going to have a shorn head, may it still be adorned!

Last Dance

2010-03-26T15:14:00.002-05:00

You thought you were having a Bad Hair Day? I am just letting you know that I think I win the contest. The picture the other day of my hair was nothing compared to this result after three swipes on partially wet hair this afternoon.

This progression makes today the last official day of me shampooing my hair. I am afraid to dry it since the follicles are no longer how they once were before the chemo. Monday's shave cannot come soon enough. Thanks to my friends and family, I have a full weekend to not think about it too much. One thing is for sure: I will miss the slow dance of my fingers through my hair while I shampoo it. Big Sigh.

Chemo Candy

2010-03-25T21:50:00.001-05:00

Creatively today was a 10. Productively as in getting my grocery shopping done was a zero. My regular nurse came instead of the wound specialist to "re-certify" the status of my still healing tummy wound.

My whole wound/scar is about 30cm long running vertically above and below my belly button. When I developed an infection on the lower part and had to get the staples out revealing an open wound resulting in the order for a wound vac and home nurse care, the open wound was 9 centimeters. After two months, it is now 1.5 centimeters. All is good so far. Chemo tends to slow down the healing process. Even after it finally closes up, I will still have to wait maybe two weeks until I can fully exercise. Cancer itself is not patient, but the curing of cancer teaches you patience. Besides waiting for the nurse and wondering how much hair has been falling out of my scalp, I decided to complete one of my projects for my next chemo appointment.

There is a certain energy floating when you enter a cancer center. It is not exactly sad, but it is serious. I can't be serious 24/7. I just can't. Some levity has to appear; my demented sense of humor has to break through. To combat the serious pall when I go for my chemotherapy infusion, I decided to design and create inexpensive yet fun bracelets to give out to both sexes. They are made of colorful alphabet beads and black elastic string. Sometimes the simplest things bring out the easiest smiles. I've called them Chemo Candy for the candy colors of the beads. The ladies bracelets say they say things like: Chemo Babe, Chemo Diva and Chemo Sexy. For the guys, they are slightly different: Chemo Hunk, Chemo Dude, Chemo Babe and Chemo Sexy. I have other ideas but my alphabet packs only had so much of each letter.

Making the bracelets is just a part of this particular project. If you've received a crystal bracelet from me, you understand what I mean. Part of that is the packaging. I used a special paint to color card stock and let dry before I cut them into tags. I used my calligraphy pen to write Chemo Candy on the outside, Smile! on the inside and by Sarah Sprinkles on the outside. The tags are color coded for female and male bracelets with bright fabric ribbon.

The components to my Crazy Crazy Idea:

Chemo Candy by Sarah Sprinkles:

In case you were wondering, I am still designing prettier bracelets like my crystal ones for the ladies in the waiting area of my doctor's office. Those will say Something Pretty... on the outside and because cancer is not. on the inside.

Gosh, I hope the other patients think my candy bracelets are as much fun as I believe they are. If these kiddie style bracelets brings them a smile for even for a few seconds, then my job of taking their mind off their IV drip is a success!

Polishing my sweet tooth,
Chemo Sexy xxoo

I Hate Drake

2010-03-24T23:59:00.004-05:00

Dianne saved the day by being her scintillating and hilarious self. We had planned on getting together tomorrow night but she asked if we could reschedule for today instead. It must have been Divine Guidance; I needed the feel good energy she brings me.

As we continued to share anecdotes after dinner, she took me to an online site that was sure to make me laugh. It was painful to watch the videos but worth the laughs. Watch the others, too.

Here is my favorite, "I Hate Drake" from getmortified.com:

WARNING -- profanity on the video:

Later in the evening I remembered to check my phone which had continued text messages of support from friends around the country. They were an extension of responses from my earlier blog post and messages on facebook. I know I can get through this hair loss with the support I receive. Three more gals and one sweet man asked me for my crystal bracelets which I mailed today. That makes 30 bracelets so far. Wow. Love vibe = Healthy AGOL.

Kisses,
Sprinkles

Day 13

2010-03-24T13:38:00.001-05:00

Today is the day the clumps of hair started coming off. This picture below is two gentle brushes on wet hair. Errant strands kept coming off when I tried to dry my head with a hair dryer. They just keep coming even when I've stopped drying to join with the tears that keep coming.

My heart is officially broken. I can't wait until Monday. Friday is my day of choice to shave my head. My aunt happened to call me as it was happening and offered to accompany me to the salon and I will take her up on it. Reality is here.

UPDATE: I couldn't get an appointment for the shave and wig styling until Monday at 11am. Monday it is.

CCH..CCH..CHANGES

2010-03-23T10:30:00.001-05:00

Yes, I changed the blog layout. Still a work in progress. Let me know if the background color is too obnoxious. ;p

Bye bye Vintage Sprinkles Blog:

It was time.

Love,
Sarah xxxoo

Cottage Industry

2010-03-22T22:40:00.003-05:00

Sprinklesville has its own 'cottage industry' with more than two and half dozen crystal bracelets made so far. It was Tawny who coined the term for my beading this afternoon when I gave her an update on my progress.

Here is a pic of my mail out today which does include the box next to the envelopes:

I am sending out a love revolution for my chemo support. Every bit is needed especially when I go back to work in two weeks. We'll all have to work on our love vibe ringing strong across this nation as well as all over the world.

Speaking of...I have decided to design new bracelets for all of my upcoming chemo appointments. Huh? What I mean is I am making bracelets to give out randomly to the women going through cancer in the building. A few will be given out in the waiting room and another set in the infusion center. Each bracelet will have a note on it that says "Something Pretty...because cancer is not".

My new goal is to give back somehow. How I found out about my cancer was Divinely Guided and I am wickedly blessed with a support system of friends and family all over the world. How else can I make a difference in other people's lives? By giving smiles with a tangible object to remind cancer patients that they are still beautiful and worthy of receiving 'something pretty'. If you could see the lights that have gone out in some of these women's eyes, you would either weep with them or want to shake them to remind them they are still alive. I am also working on a male bracelet for the ones I see in the infusion center. Some prototypes are in the works for that part of my project. All of this hasn't all been worked out yet, but I figured I can wing it until I do...

Other than beadies, I made calls to my benefit company for my short-term disability status and I called the triage nurse for the skin condition on my hands and a possible cold I am catching. Based on my chemo cocktail, I can take Benadryl for the skin condition and over-the-counter meds for the cold thing. So glad I called. Not. I only did it to make sure I didn't need to do anything additional.

Dad called me tonight to see how I was doing. I also spoke to my stepmom who only has to go through a bit of radiation for her breast cancer. She had borderline readings on her pathology report for the lump that was taken out a couple of weeks ago. Chemotherapy has been omitted from her treatment. All this was good news to hear.

I worked on more bracelets tonight and two are ready to be mailed tomorrow. I wish you could share with me how much joy it is to create pretty things.
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Vanity Blues

2010-03-21T23:59:00.003-05:00

Time flies when you're a social butterfly and a beading fool...

Saturday was Tawnyday. We spent part of the day shopping for more components for my bracelets as well as some sewing stuff. By the time we finished we were famished for lunch. We hiked up our Lederhosen inside a casual German restaurant. One more shopping stop and we went our own separate ways. Tawny came over again in the evening for beading and chatting. Her husband was sweet enough to remember me during his baking day. I was the recipient of a loaf of banana bread. Yum!

Sunday was almost a lazy day, but the family dinner I planned to celebrate my aunt's 65th birthday was scheduled for 4:30pm. During my shower I found myself sobbing because my days of being able to enjoy shampooing and conditioning my hair are numbered. I got myself together to meet my family at a Greek restaurant where we enjoyed our feast and the live music. (Yes, I was just at the same restaurant with Jill on Friday.)

When I came home, I called my cousin Angie to give her an update on the dinner. I also ended up sobbing some more and discussing my impending hair loss. I will be losing something that gives me great joy. Over the years I have spent more money than any of my friends on my hair cuts and color. I take care of my hair. It is a conscious part of me and I will lose the joy it gives me. Meanwhile, there are women who barely run a brush through their hair or even care enough to color their hair that get to keep their hair. It is not fair. Any day now I will see clumps of hair coming off my scalp thanks to the chemotherapy working through my system.

For a long time I will not be able to wash or dry my hair, color and cut, flip or slide strands from my face or put behind my ears once I have it shaved next Monday. I feel ashamed at how I am carrying on about this when there have been people who have lost their hair because of more horrific things like genocide. I know I am more than my hair, but it is that part of woman that gives her some allure, a part of her sexuality. It is one of the first things a man notices about a woman he meets.

Eventually all this chemo crap will be over and my life will start again. A part of that is dating. Yes, I will have my wig and scarves while I wait for regrowth, but it is not the same. It is one more thing I have to explain to someone new. Surely I can be forgiven for being so vain?
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Plenty

2010-03-19T21:58:00.004-05:00

Was there anything I couldn't do today? Well, yes, there is plenty, but that didn't keep me from making the day really count.

Breakfast came and went right before I decided to vacuum my apartment. I didn't feel tired. Bolstered by energy, I wiped down my bathroom, scrubbed the toilet and wiped down my kitchen, too. Oh, yes -- a load of laundry also made it to the washer and dryer! There was lunch, rest and some beading before I took a shower and got ready for my evening out with a crazy friend.

Hurricane Jill came bearing smiles, hugs and a gift I loved the moment I put them on. Feast your eyes on my new animal magnetism below. Isn't it a scream?

On the way to our Greek dinner, Jill shared some wisdom:

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Food and my dinner companion were stellar. We hung out for a little over two hours at the restaurant to enjoy the Greek music playing live in the background as well as the belly dancer that came. It made me envious. I still have a small wound on my belly and can't exercise that way.

We came back to my apartment for some giggles before she made her way back across town. How I've missed her humor and good nature! After she left, I still had some zippy energy so I ended up talking to Tawny briefly on IM to make plans for tomorrow. Kathy called me back to catch up and Angie called me on her way home in Los Angeles.

You don't know how being able to do all the activities today made me happier. It felt like progress. The specter of going through the same recovery period after five more chemo appointments doesn't scare me. At the very least, I know there is getting better each time. One day there will be a getting better for good.

Kisses,
Sarah

CUCKOO FOR COCONUT OIL

2010-03-19T07:51:00.000-05:00

FOOD GRADE COCONUT OIL WORKS ON MY CHEMO HANDS!!

THE INFLAMMATION AND ITCH ARE MINIMIZED OR GONE. I AM SO HAPPY. THE HANDS ARE NOT RED; HOWEVER, THE "TEXTURE" IS STILL THE SAME. I DON'T CARE AND I WILL CONTINUE TO APPLY AFTER EACH HAND WASHING. FOOD GRADE COCONUT OIL* WORKS FOR ME! YIPPEE!

Slightly excited,
Sarah Sprinkles xxoo

P.S. This concludes today's Sprinkles Service Announcement.

*Food grade coconut oil can be found in the organic section of your supermarket. It is solid at cooler temps -- looks hazy white, but melts wonderfully when applied on skin.
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Beady Babe

2010-03-18T19:42:00.001-05:00

Nightmare images accompanied my more restful sleep but they didn't terrify me. Not being in shoulder and neck pain when I woke up were my trade offs, too. A hearty bowl of cereal and a gigantic mug of coffee banished any remnants of the night...

The one annoying side effect of chemo is my itching hands. They look inflamed and irritated. Washing my hands at least a dozen times a day probably doesn't help. I am trying to apply food grade coconut oil on it after each washing to see if it will help. I will make a call to the doctor's office tomorrow to see if there is a specific cream to apply.

What was my fun-filled activity today? Beading bracelets. I made three complete bracelets and even sent one off to a part of the world this afternoon. I have six other bracelets "staged" just waiting for proper string and center bead thanks to my galpal Jill. In her effervescent way, she announced my bracelet offer to her office after reading my blog and I now have six to complete. She will receive her own tomorrow night when we have dinner. If you ever need loud support from a friend, Jill is your magic pill!

Pretty beads...

Not much today, my lovelies. Just itchy skin and pretty beads.
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No Languishing Zone

2010-03-17T23:17:00.001-05:00

Can one actually feel like being hit with a Smartcar? Brain was less foggy this morning but that only magnified how my body was not feeling. Not great. I slept on my back all night and my neck wasn't comfortable. Top that with super night sweats and it was a perfect night not to sleep well...

Once awake I am determined to do something everyday inside my apartment even if I don't get a chance to run errands or meet friends for a quick meal. It is the activity and the idea of progress of some sort and the moving away from any sort of...languishing. I hate languishing! Don't worry, my lovelies. There is no trace of languishing or overdoing it for your AGOL. My body does protest if I try to do too much.

My nails were redone in magenta this morning. I just repainted them two days ago in a nude color that made me gag at how old my hands looked. All the extra washing of my hands and the chemo are not making friends with the skin on my hands. The cheerier color makes me smile more.

For some reason I had a big craving for pasta at lunch and I gave in. I stuffed myself then decided to work some of it off. I put back the sewing corner of my art room in the early afternoon. My cousin Angie's help last month to clear some stuff out helped make it easier. A trip to the sewing store is in order for some new tools though. About an hour of my slow moving body placing things here and there, I began to recognize a cozy sewing corner again. It was time to rest.

I talked to Tawny off and on via IM all day when I wasn't busy wondering when my body was going to feel normal. My hands didn't want to wonder for too long. I made four more crystal bracelets to give out. It was easy to do this time around and I can't help but feel good about creating beautiful things. I've gotten over the shyness of asking people to wear them while I go through my chemotherapy.

My aunt called me tonight and talked more than usual. She spent the day gardening a portion of her yard. The freeze back in January, all our family goings-on and the still cool weather have delayed her clean-up. I know she worries about me and wants to make sure I know that she is there no matter what I need. Maria might know me better now -- she knows I won't ask for assistance unless I have to or if I am ambushed with the offer. I just feel so thankful for what I have already received and don't want to be an imposition. We did make dates for my next chemo and the last two. She will be in the Philippines for two of the six.

I've been putting off going to bed until now because I want to make sure I am tired and sleep through. Each day I must remember gets better and easier. There is no "Languishing Zone".
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Cabin Fever

2010-03-16T23:04:00.003-05:00

My best plans were foiled by my nurse yesterday. She didn't get to come until 2pm. I was starting to feel cabin fever. There is one thing to feel like staying home and being forced to stay home. It was just as well because my brain was experiencing "Groundhog Day" with my meds. Ugh. My nurse did give me good news that my wound in my belly would soon be all closed up by the weekend and could comfortably scar over and heal. I decided then that we would cut down our visitation to once a week just to be sure.

Tawny came to see me in the evening and to finish up our initial set of crystal bracelets that I am having the Sprinkles Posse wear while I am in chemotherapy. She hasn't been feeling well either with a serious bout of anemia. It is serious enough to warrant a blood transfusion. Since she just started her new job two weeks ago, Tawny has been staving off this measure until further results from yesterday's blood work and an ultrasound this afternoon. I am worried because she does so much for others and that includes me!

............

Today was my day to combat cabin fever. I didn't have to take further "nasty anti-nausea meds right after chemo". My brain just had a slight mist. I made plans to mail my reimbursement for my $285 wig to my health insurance as well as mail one of the bracelets below to my friend Kathy in Jacksonville.

I am wearing one of the crystal bracelets as is Tawny. My friend Dianne will get hers when she visits me next Thursday and I delivered one to my friend Sandy this afternoon. If anyone wants to wear one until at least end of June, please let me know. I will mail it anywhere in the world. Just e-mail me at helloagol_@_yahoo_dot_com or from my profile. This is my design and are all hand strung. Tawny had to help me with this set as my brain was a bit foggy to try to manage installing the clasp. There are teal color bicone beads which signifies Ovarian Cancer like breast cancer is pink. (Also, please let me know sizing 6.5in? 7in? 7.5in?) The bracelet is a tangible support in my cure. DUE DATE FOR OFFER APRIL 2, 2010 or while supplies last.

Before visiting Sandy this afternoon, I had my new passport pictures taken. My passport expired in January and I wasn't able to renew it on time thanks to my surgery. I wore pink and actually smiled. This was different from psycho-killer pose of years ago and the outfit was heinous!! LOL I just had to make sure I still had my own hair in the pic. There is no beauty rest in Shallowville!

Sandy has been wanting to see me since she brought me a houseplant and yellow daffodils while I was in the hospital. She's been offering up any bit of help to me. Her whole family is such and I've treasured her friendship for 15 years. More importantly, I wanted her to see me as I am now before I have my head shaved. Sandy had seen me about 40lbs heavier at Christmas thanks to my burgeoning tumor-filled tummy so seeing me upright and much trimmer was a great surprise to her. She said I looked much healthier today.

Not too far from Sandy's is my aunt's house. I stayed for dinner to enjoy being around my family and I know they were happy to see me out and about. I made mention that today would be my mother's birthday -- my aunt's will be Friday, too. Both women named Maria and both as precious to me as anything.

I felt like a reverse vampire going home trying to get home before sundown since my vision was a bit impaired from chemo. I made it within 10 minutes of no sun. Tawny made me keep vigil of each place I visited today so she could be assured I'd be home okay. It was a great feeling to text her from home...Spoke to Angie twice in Los Angeles tonight. Now I am going to prepare for bed!

xo
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Rubber Band Ball

2010-03-14T23:18:00.001-05:00

How odd the only bout of nausea I've felt is when I am horizontal on my bed when I wake-up. It is only a tinge but enough to scare me to take my meds upon waking. The mental fog is still there and kicks in after one of my medications as drowsiness is a side-effect. On the other hand, from my neck down was not listening. I found myself cleaning large vertical blinds in my living room with Lysol wipes with scrubbies on one side. This exercise took about 35 minutes of my morning.

I decided not to tempt fate or my health and took it easy the rest of the day. Luckily, I didn't feel alone with the texts and calls I received or made. Kathy called me from her grocery store in Jacksonville and mentioned wanting to attend one of my upcoming chemo appointments. She's so sweet! I will take her up on it if she can swing the date. My friend Trish from San Francisco wants to visit me, too. She called while she and her boyfriend where walking in the middle of the city for a dinner meet-up with friends. Trisha iterated her desire from a previous facebook note to let me know she was serious. I am very lucky to have many friends like these gals!

..............

This was unexpected but I didn't tell you about the news my aunt and I received when we got back from my chemo appointment after my uncle got home from having dinner with us on Friday. We found out that one of my aunts in the Philippines had passed in her sleep. Fortunata died in her late seventies. I felt bad for my Aunt Maria who is set to visit the Philippines in about four weeks. She will be there for the traditional 60-day prayer vigil at least. The reason I am mentioning it now is we were just able to get a definitive on her health and how she died because she was in a different city living with her son's family. My aunt confirmed everything for me this evening. Fortunata was a shy sweet woman but full of smiles and laughter. I won't forget how she was when I last saw her through my 10-year old eyes.

..............

The one thing we can count on is life's never ending cyclical turns. Ever see a rubber band ball?

I feel that threads of life cycles move in this way and keep moving elastically in all directions. Sooner or later we touch each other or move away. As we go through our lives, more layers of us and others increase to make our world as we know it. We never die. We just change to some other energy form to keep evolving into whatever we direct in our minds and hearts. Scientists say we are made as the same stuff as stars. I intend to sparkle forever through your lives as you do through mine. Let us make a conscious pact to make sure we touch each others' lives positively to make our world a more colourful and beautiful place.

Love forever,
Sarah Sprinkles
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A New Dawn

2010-03-13T23:59:00.004-05:00

The first few minutes of waking involved me taking inventory how I felt physically and mentally. Physically my body didn't harbor any pain to really note other than leftovers from the outpatient surgery on Thursday. My mental clarity was surrounded by a light fog akin to the effects of taking cold pills. I made sure to eat breakfast and to take the medications exclusively prescribed to control any possible nausea. Three pills total of two kinds twice a day for three days. I waited another two hours to take my everyday water pills for my legs. Vitamins may have to be included sometime soon just to make this new pill-popping hobby fun.

My bowels were none too happy this morning assuring me of the chemo in my system. I was worried, but realized I should only worry if the malady persists. I am hoping the side effects of all my meds will cancel each other out and give me normal "doings", if you will. Sigh.

Through the light brain fog, I was alert with energy. I managed to take meds with breakfast, update my blog, take a shower and make lunch for my aunt and me. She worried that I was tiring myself and I was waiting on her too much when it should be the opposite. I wanted to as long as I could still manage it.

Kimmee came over with doggie Belle for a couple of hours for a visit and to deliver a sample of the tongue scraper Kimmee had purchased a while back. It is a very important dental hygienic tool if you've never used one. Your body secretes waste in many different ways like your bowels, skin and through your tongue. Brushing only moves stuff around, but scraping the tongue removes waste and keeps your breath fresher. With chemo, I am even more resolved than I am now to clean my tongue to ward off bacteria.

My uncle came to pick up my aunt around 3:30pm and Kimmee left soon after. My visitations were not complete until Tawny came to drop off a "power picture" she found for me. She framed it in an IKEA black frame to remind me of who I am and how I am to forge with Amazonian strength like that of my childhood idol Wonder Woman through the last part of my cancer cure.

Here is opening theme from Season 1, Original Series set in WWII:

Season 2 Opening of The New Adventures of Wonder Woman, updated for the 1970's from Season 1:

PS I love that Diana Prince/Wonder Woman (played by Lynda Carter) is wearing a headscarf in this video as I will soon!

Fighting the Axis,
Sprinkles
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Inevitable Infusion

2010-03-12T23:59:00.001-05:00

Excitement was not exactly the word that described what I was feeling this morning when I woke up. It was a quiet greeting to inevitability yet a happy one.

Breakfast was my first order of business. I tried not to make a lot of noise as I scarfed down on cut up banana with my cereal. My aunt was sleeping on my sofa even though I offered her a nice air mattress to sleep on. I had to eat to make sure I survived the day especially since I was the dumb bunny that signed up for a research study that involved a stress test just a couple of hours before her first chemotherapy infusion. After feeding myself, I got dressed so I could give my aunt time to get ready and eat some cereal, too.

I drove us to the hospital and checked right in the fourth floor and had blood drawn. It wasn't a quick job because my port wasn't relinquishing my blood so after a while I had to be reclined with my head lower than my feet to get the draw. I was teasing the nurse saying that the "research hookers" were probably already searching for me. My prediction was correct as I read the name on the badge of the blonde waiting for me at the second floor reception check-in. The lady behind reception recognized me from yesterday's surgery check-in and said hello.

My aunt and I were whisked into a room with all kinds of instruments. When I was firmly hooked up to various electrodes and a breathing mask, a cardiologist was called to be in place during the stress test just in case anything went awry. It went better than I thought. I started off to a slow walk then to a faster pace. My concentration was more on making sure I had the correct foot strike instead of what was happening. I only broke a sweat on my scalp, but I still felt the fatigue from yesterday.

This was me with the breathing mask plastered to my face widening it like the moon. Of course, it wasn't helping that I was laughing too hard as the "research hooker" took a movie of me.

We checked in a second time on the fourth floor for vitals which later had me alarmed. The male nurse decided to verify my height and now apparently I have shrunk. I am no longer 5'8" but 5'6.5"!!! WTF? Did I somehow get sent to space without my knowledge? Astronauts lose height every time they go to space. In reality, perhaps the tumor had been leeching all the nutrients for many years thus causing me to lose height. A heavy regimen of yoga and pilates will be in my future as soon as I can manage it for sure.

I went back out in the waiting room to tell my aunt my news while we waited for the restaurant-like buzzer assigned to me to go off signaling my infusion seat was ready. To my surprise, Kimmee's daughter Serina (she just got a research job at the hospital) came to see me. In fact she ended up seeing me two more times while I was in the infusion seat. Sweet thing. I made sure to call her mother when I got home to tell her what a good cookie she was for attending to me.

The infusion center was a catacomb of halls and rooms filled with nothing but bluish green vinyl chairs with "wings" sporting drink holders on either side. I felt like I was in my old hospital room again with the IV stand which I had to unplug its industrial size plug (normal if you live in England - hee!) to take it with me to the bathroom. There was a flat panel TV I could maneuver comfortably and attach a pair of headphones they gave me. Lunches, snacks and drinks were free to the patients. I shared everything with my aunt.

So what was it really like? I didn't have an opinion on it. It was neither good or bad, just something I had to do, you know? There was a bag for saline, Benadryl to combat any allergic reaction, Taxol (Part 1 of my chemo cocktail) and Carboplatin (Part 2 of chemo cocktail). The Benadryl had me sleeping most of the five hours it took to administer everything one by one. I was given anti-nausea pills before my last IV bag.

I couldn't stay awake to save my life. The "research hookers" tried to give me follow up instructions and give my tools and diary for my end of the research as the drug kicked in. My bladder woke me up periodically and I was able to eat a quick lunch early on. I saw Serina for one minute while she came to see me the second time. My poor aunt was left to her own devices. She watched TV and also took a walk outside. I also received several text messages from the Sprinkles Posse checking up on my progress and to send their love. My nurse called, too, to confirm our appointment. I had to put her off until Monday -- my infusion was taking longer than we previously discussed.

Aunt Maria drove us home where I suddenly became alive again. I made coffee in my French press and preheated the oven. My uncle was on his way to drop off medication for my aunt and I was set on us having frozen pizza for dinner and maybe ice cream for dessert if they were up to it. I was a busy bee for some reason or perhaps I was afraid to sit and let exhaustion take over?

Dinner was good conversation and laughter. My uncle left earlier than I anticipated. We gals made it a movie night, but I fell asleep part of the movie. Luckily I was awake enough to call Angie in California to give her an update. I eventually made it to bed around 12am. Before sleep I splayed pieces of instructions for follow-up medications in the morning, emergency instructions for side-effects and another sheet of instruction for something else on my dining room table...

I ruminated all day on how the people getting chemotherapy didn't look like me. They were all much older and if they were women, they looked like they were getting it done. Call it vanity, but I still show up dressed and made up. My aunt was dressed and made up, too! This is your life and you can prepare for whatever comes. I hope I don't sound mean to the other people; I just feel you should make the very best of it instead of surrendering to a type of resignation. Greeting inevitability with smile or an extra sparkle should go a long way to recovery, shouldn't it? In any case, today was a long day. It unfolded much better than I imagined.

Love,
Sarah
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Port and Protocols

2010-03-11T23:59:00.000-05:00

Rain had washed the roads overnight and continued to wash everything as my aunt and uncle made our way to the hospital at 7:25am on Thursday. My check in was 7:45am for my 10:45am port install. Thank God for us the hospital is 10 minutes close to my apartment.

We didn't have too wait long for my name to be called to pre-op. My aunt accompanied me around the familiar maze to a walled section so she could take my clothes once I disrobed and changed into an operating gown. I mentioned to the nurse that all the preparations seemed a bit much for a port install on my chest, an outpatient surgery. She said that when you go through the regular OR (operating room) that all the protocols have to be followed which meant it felt like my surgery prep back in January.

My surgeon did a stellar job once again. They left a needle with plastic tube hook-ups covered in gauze and tape outside the skin for tomorrow's chemo appointment which meant I couldn't take a shower. While my surgery was an hour earlier, I didn't get out until about 2pm. There was a complication of me experiencing sharp pains that brought me to tears when I breathed deeply during recovery. An x-ray of my chest was taken while I was sitting up in bed. They put a 1-inch thick large black square large enough to cover my back while a tech stood 10 feet away from me pointing a machine with light projecting cross hairs onto me while I sat up. He shot his x-ray pic and left to get immediate results.

The nurse had already injected pain medication and an anti-inflammatory drug to my IV while we waited for the results of the x-ray. Minutes later I was told there was nothing wrong with my chest and all my breathing was normal. This was double-checked later when the pain was still there. We figured out that I may have pulled a back muscle during surgery while they moved me around. Meanwhile, my aunt and uncle were getting anxious. My surgeon said they would be calling for them in a few minutes after he spoke to them. They weren't called until two hours later because I had been asleep and it had gotten too busy for my attending nurse to call. Poor things.

I was soon dressed and in a wheel chair. We had to make one stop at the salon downstairs to pick-up my wig (or hair prosthesis as was written on my prescription). I also had my uncle go through a Chik-Fil-A drive-thru for a late lunch for all of us. Our empty stomachs were making our tempers a little testy. We sat at my dining room table enjoying our chicken sandwich meals. I made coffee and I fed my uncle some ice cream for dessert. He left my aunt with me so she could make sure I was okay after surgery and also to accompany me during my first chemo appointment tomorrow. My aunt had volunteered to spend the night two weeks ago; I had been too shy to ask. I am glad she was there even as the rain continued to come.

Hugs,
Sprinkles

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POST SCRIPT
Here is pic of my surgery site after my first chemo, all the tape and plastic window coverings gone. The top incision is normally on the neck based on my research. My surgeon was kind enough to save me that conspicuous scarring so it is above the longer incision site of the port. Everything is held with skin glue that should fall off later. You may see a small red dot below the longer incision. That is area where needles for future blood draws and chemo infusions will be placed; no more trying to find a vein in my arms. I am very pleased.

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Unwinding Before Port

2010-03-10T22:24:00.001-05:00

My evening is waning. I should be going over last minute preparations for tomorrow's outpatient surgery to install my port. Give me a few minutes to mentally unwind with you?

The past couple of days have been hectic and annoying. Hectic with supply/grocery shopping and annoying with issues from my apartment complex. I swear my eight-day hospital stay last January was easier to manage than getting my apartment office to make sure they have fixed the moisture issue in the other bedroom. Mold and chemotherapy patient do not mix. Duh.

After some "status report" requests and two vendor visits Monday, today I was able to get them to put antibacterial primer on the areas that needed tending. They were supposed to put it on yesterday when the area was dry from the cleaning and antibacterial solution application on Monday. Ugh. Tomorrow while I am in surgery, they are going to finish by painting the areas primed. It will have taken them almost two weeks to complete from my initial call. My consolation prizes were my old television was taken away and I received new drip pans for my stove top electric coils. I didn't have to clean or buy new ones. That was worth some of the aggravation...

My fingertips have felt weird from the toll of overwashing my hands during my twice-a-day wound dressing changes. They felt more odd and naked today because I had my nail salon take off my acrylic nails yesterday morning. I can't take the chance of unnecessary bacterial infections during chemo when I get my nails done with either the superfine drills or sharp implements used. Chemotherapy is changing the physical landscape that is Sarah Sprinkles. I will have short thin nails now; however, I can still apply nail polish which makes me happy. I bid my salon adieu until August.

Kristey came over this evening to see me in my 'interim look'. I haven't seen her since January during my hospital stay. She brought an Italian dinner from Carraba's which we devoured immediately. While we ate, I showed her the bracelets that Tawny and I were making to keep count of my chemotherapy treatments. (I'll tell you about that in another post -- they are gorgeous!)

To take the places of the Christmas and birthday presents she hadn't given me yet, Kristey offered to buy my supplies for my soon-to-be shorn head. We looked through one catalogue and later a few online sites. I wanted to get what I needed like wig care and wig stand plus a sleep cap. She also wanted to get me something more fun so we settled on a casual scarf. We were both pleased with our selections. I was most thankful for her generosity. She kept apologizing for things not being properly gift wrapped; I told her my head would be wrapped every time I wore these things so it was okay. Ha.

One interesting thing today -- when the hospital called for last minute preparation reminders for the surgery, I found out that my surgeon will be performing the surgery. Odd, I mentioned, since there are people who do that type of surgery all day. The nurse said that my surgeon is particular and likes to do them himself. Damn. I love this man; he is thorough.

Well, my lovelies, I am tired from super cleaning and doing laundry today not to mention entertaining for a couple of hours this evening. I need to get all my paperwork and clothes for tomorrow when my aunt and uncle pick me up. Wish me luck!

Love,
Sarah
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Best Less Than a Minute Film

2010-03-07T23:59:00.000-05:00

Ladies, Gentlemen and The Academy...

The winner of The Best Less Than a Minute Film in Sprinklesville is by Sarah Sprinkles:

*THE STORY: You can fly through life feeling light and happy. AND THEN..a giant detached shark head can come out of the water and try to gobble you up. Will it succeed? Watch for the sequel to be released on DVD!

*THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Don't be an idiot. You should not wait for a giant detached shark head to come and gobble you up because it doesn't exist. Duh!

I couldn't help myself. I couldn't stop myself. And I loved it!

Kisses,
Sarah

PS This was done using my flip ultraHD set up in my kitchen facing a double door shielding my washer/dryer, etc. I selected two frames from each scene and let the software wizard do its thing.
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Ticker Tape

2010-03-07T13:43:00.001-05:00

The amazing brain feed I am getting from the universe right this very moment is like a ticker tape punching stock prices from a telegraph line gone haywire. I don't know what electric spark has caused this but I know never to really put much thought as to THE WHY when it does come I write on paper and on this electronic paper...

The Sprinkles Sunday Morning Routine hardly ever deviates if I can help it. Multiple alarms have been set at 8:00am and 8:30am just in case sleep is stronger than the morning sun. I make it a priority to watch Joel Osteen, my positive TV preacher, who nudges the truths I know that are good for me to live a more abundant, love filled life in a world caught up in the crossfire of negative soul warping messages. (God knows I need an extra boost these days!) Right after my life and love affirming messages, my mind gets brain candy from the CBS Sunday Morning Show where news and cultural/artistic stories nourish cells with its many tastes and flavors. Yum!

One of the first stories was on Neil Gaiman who apparently has written many books I've heard of and written screenplays for movies like Stardust and Coraline which I've seen. He is touted as the 'master of macabre'. I may have even read or had his first book about Duran Duran. Yes, I was a squealing teenager once who had 15 giant posters of the British Pop Group thumb tacked all over her room. That's a story for another time and dimension...

During Gaiman's interview they showed his basement full of books which made me think of maybe if had I kept all the books I've read I would have one just like it. Well, not just like it. Now I don't know for sure and don't lambaste me if you know, but I doubt Gaiman has read hundreds of romance series and novels from age 12 to 21 or flighty fashion handbooks or fact filled cultural anthropological titles. His selections would most likely include erudite authors and award winning fiction not to mention his own award winning titles.

Sigh.

It is during these moments I feel uneducated about Dickens, Twain, Shaw, Austen and...Gaiman himself. A voice quickly reminds me that sometimes ignorance is bliss. Not coloring your own inner music is best for it is unblemished with other people's mediocrity or brilliance. I get to make things my own. Whatever the hell that is supposed to be!

To be fair, Gaiman and I may have read similar veined magic and metaphysical titles based on reading his online bio. We do have ONE BIG THING IN COMMON. Sprinkles and Gaiman have (or had) dogs named Cabal. Look at the caption on his Wikipedia pic of he and his pooch. Kinda creepy in a cool way.

Ticker tape still spitting out...

My lack of desire to read more esteemed literature I think stems from having issues with reading comprehension as a kid. It was my cousin Angie who got me interested in reading at all with romance series starting at age 12. Whatever it takes, right? The genres of storytelling I am most attracted to have been listening to radio soap operas in the Philippines which has translated to loving books on audio and watching movies for the larger than life screen projecting words and special effects. There is no one favorite, no top 10 list of anything. I like stories that immediately capture my attention and sense of adventure or take me out of my seat in the movies where the only thing that matters is the movie. You've seen Avatar in 3D? Like that.

The memories come to me now of being an only child (until the age of 11) making her own paper dolls, kitchen pans and tools out of aluminum foil and movie tickets from paper perforated by a safety pin. I was forced to be more internal or approach things originating from within, to create my own world with no obvious influences. Perhaps this entry is a reminder that I need not feel less than because I am more than the sum of my incomplete parts.
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Writing Well

2010-03-06T18:42:00.004-05:00

Looking back on what I've posted makes me cringe sometimes. No, it is not the content or subject matter. It is all the grammatical errors peppering the entries (IE subject-verb agreement, syntax errors, etc.). Just that last sentence is enough to send me into punctuation tailspin!

Well, my lovelies today I feel vindicated. Another blog I subscribe to published a "made-Sprinkles-feel-better" article regarding her blog writing: Ira Glass on Improving Your Craft. Please watch the short video on the page.

What I am trying to say is I hope that my messages are more important than the minor errors. I've read perfectly written stories that were still drivel that made me wonder how I was ever going to recover precious time lost or find the author to slap for offending me with their words. I try to focus more on imagery and conveying the message with more clarity. With enough practice I should be darn near more perfect than I am now. Ha!

Laughter IS the Best Medicine,
Sprinkles xo

PS That is why God created editors for us dangling participle loving gals. Wink.
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Fall Awake

2010-03-06T11:54:00.000-05:00

Meditation and mindfulness were in my thoughts when I woke up. To be honest, it has been on my mind for a while as I try to make peace and honor my inner chatter. It would be all to easy to shroud myself in the subject that is cancer. To me that would be like creating another cancer on your mind if you are not a medical professional choosing to help eradicate it.

The sea of depression that can accompany such a focus on the disease does tease me with its ebb and flow on my psyche. My toes feel it but I keep myself on the shore where it is warm, safe and happy to observe and not get caught in the undertow. Some days I still find myself knee-deep but no more than that.

I bought a book Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips by Kris Carr last Wednesday. It is not my desire at all to buy books on cancer. I've received enough literature from the center and enough online reading selections to save myself the expenditure; however, the title appealed to my sense of humor. In just the preliminary pages, I find myself engaged and thankful that someone addressed the plight of twenty to thirty somethings. Many cancer documents either deal with children or folks around retirement age. What about the rest of us who are still grappling with being a vibrant adult or even a sexy Asian Goddess of Love? Apparently cancer had never heard of Sarah Sprinkles!

In my new shiny book, it recommends finding a happy place and going there to get away from things. My places are not close to my apartment; they are hundreds and/or thousands of miles away. The one place I know I can be anywhere is my mind where there is no distinction of imagination and actual visits to my happy places. Lucky me!

The universe must have been listening because on one of my blogs I follow posted the following link and poem. It was an "aah moment" (as opposed to a-ha!). Jon Kabat-Zinn's hour long talk on his google campus visit was illuminating. He talked about using meditation to "fall awake" in awareness. Watch it if you can.

At the end of his talk he shared this poem by Derek Walcott:

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

I can correlate this poem to rather than letting any kind of cancer eat away at us and take over, we can choose to focus on what is really happening and not the bullshit we unconsciously get caught up in. We can feast on our own life and how that can be more beautiful if we let it. You know from recent entries how the idea of losing my hair to chemotherapy is worrisome. I must remember that 'pruning leads to blooming'. What if the surgeon's carving the cancer out of my body in January and now my imminent hair loss is a way for God to help me reset my life on a course more beautiful than I have ever imagined?
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Triathlon Reminder

2010-03-04T23:18:00.002-05:00

My regular nurse came around noon today to change my wound dressing. It is more for her to inspect it and make sure I am doing a great job changing it myself twice day. So far so good. Yay!

It is difficult to keep your personalities and lives to yourselves when you keep reconnecting with individuals, in this case my nurse(s). For me, the nurses are very curious about my apartment; the bright eclectic colors and decor invite attention which usually leads to questions about me. I am just as curious about them as they are to me so I usually ask them their motivation for being a nurse or what they love about it most. Those are the starters.

Today my nurse I could tell seemed burdened about home life with a husband and multiple children. The conversation got around to making beds and doing laundry. Her laundry woes were evident. It may not seem like much, but everyone needs clean clothes and if others are not helping or can't help, it can be a tough job to maintain. Her husband's training for an upcoming triathlon seemed to get her less help. Triathlon? I forgot about that word!!! Its mere mention juggled my inner effervescence to bursting.

I jabbered on about my bike equipment, my Polar watch, etc. The poor thing was then subjected to seeing my state-of-the-art bike (about two notches above my fitness level). Her face showed amazement at how light it was after she picked it up. She then began to tell me about how a gym up the road has a nice lap pool her husband goes to for swimming. Groovy! I must ask my surgeon if I am allowed to swim during chemo. The last time I saw him I was given permission to do yoga, get a massage and go to a chiropractor.

How could I have forgotten about my goal to do a triathlon? The last time I asked I was in my hospital bed listening to the explanation of the re-sectioning of my intestines with titanium staples. I may not be able to do train moderately for obvious reasons but I can still keep it in mind by doing light yoga and ride my bike indoors thanks to geeky bike equipment. It felt great thinking about how I can re-integrate this goal with chemo treatments. Where there is an AGOL will, there are many ways...

My cell phone was texting and ringing off the hook today, too. Tawny, Kathy, Kristey, Kimmee, Korean Kim and Jill were all burning up my phone. I was glad to communicate with them. It makes me feel relevant when I am not blogging, twittering and on facebook. My biggest challenge during recovery at home is making sure I keep up my end of communication. Who am I kidding? I am too much of a chatterbox to keep quiet. That's a promise, my lovelies.
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Blubbering

2010-03-03T23:13:00.001-05:00

Ovaries. I thought that having my ovaries gone would make me less emotional. Holy shit was I wrong! I've been blubbering for days on my anticipated hair loss about two weeks after I start chemotherapy. That's why I haven't posted...

After Nan's Tampa service, I hung out with my family two nights in a row. My cousin Angie even stayed the night before one of my doctor's appointments so she could accompany me the next day. I was proud to be able to introduce her to my new medical family as I was proud to introduce them to her. Moffitt Cancer Center is a Tier 1 facility and it showed. The best part of our visit with my surgeon was that he said I no longer had to have my wound vac attached to me. I was given free rein to shower when I wanted and not be tethered to an appliance designed to help me heal. The caveat was that my wound would need to be changed/redressed twice a day. I've been changing it myself now and have the home nurse coming in twice a week to check its progress.

My life has been mostly spent making numerous calls, making appointments and attending them. I picked up my first set of meds at the Center for my chemo aftercare. During the same day, I had a wig consult at the salon, a floor below. This was very rough and a harder pill to swallow. When I finally picked out a wig, it was $285 and is reimbursable by my insurance company thank God! It should come in the correct dark burgundy color next week and will be cut and styled to my liking once I go back to pick it up.

I still have some more head covering preparation to complete. In two weeks after my March 12th chemo appointment, I will have my head shaved. They still leave about 1/4 inch of hair, I think. We lose heat through our heads so I will have to get a cotton cap for sleeping and scarves for no wig days. This is the priciest chic site but the pre-tied design and color options are gorgeous. Here is what is coming in the mail: under Silk, find "Black and Bloom" and click on it to see it.

For every ONE chic website selling head coverings, there are 10 sites selling ugly versions. It is almost a crime. The things are so hideous you'd rather walk around bald! (Not me of course -- too vain. Hee.) Please buy our ugly things because you as a cancer patient don't feel bad enough -- you gotta show the world that you do. Sprinkles will be buying something from here and here. Researching all these sites have empowered me to meet inevitability. This is my way of dealing with it, but I still find myself crying throughout the day. I did remind my boss today during our call that we will have similar hair only my hair will grow back full. I laughed loud when I said it. He wasn't laughing as much.

Oh yes -- almost forgot. I had a doctor's appointment this morning with my primary care doctor for my legs which have swollen again. I left with a prescription for water pills, a bilateral prescription for an ultrasound on legs and an extension for returning to work. He felt that I needed more time. Honestly, I forget how extensive my surgery was almost two months ago.

I have the water pills which I will start taking tomorrow morning... One of a radiology company's branches had an opening today. The ultrasound hurt during the swipes and pressure on my upper inner thighs on both legs. Hearing my blood move around was really weird -- sounded like an alien. The doctor should receive results very quickly and advise course of action... My return-to-work date was set for March 15th and now it will be April 2nd. I am bummed that I will be missing work; however, I am relieved to have some time to deal with first chemo and the subsequent hair loss. My aunt is staying with me during my port installation (easier to draw blood and infuse chemo) next Thursday and overnight that night and for after my chemo on Friday. I just have to continue to follow the plan. Summer will be sweeter because these portions will be completed.

It is not all about chemo preparation and hair loss. In between blubbering and appointments, I had dinner and a movie at Tawny's last Friday and I had dinner tonight with Kimmee and her husband. I received a multitude of texts and calls today from my girlies. Been playing on facebook and again on twitter. There is also another blog I started. ("Can you find it?" asks your mysterious AGOL). I still feel I am the luckiest AGOL around.

Kisses,
S

PS I love Melody Gardot and I love love love this song. I bought her enchanting album today.
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Holy...Happy

2010-02-23T23:21:00.001-05:00

A beautiful red cloisonne rosary was presented to me by my cousin Angie from Suzanne, her LA roommate, when I arrived at my aunt's this afternoon. I loved it the moment I saw it. It was such a thoughtful gift that I am humbled by it.

.................

Everyone was home at my aunt's and had not yet changed into clothes befitting Nan's open viewing at the funeral home. I would have to wait a couple of hours for us to make our way. The first hour was dedicated to the family and another for everyone else -- in this case, her church family. It was a modest turnout for her Florida family. A bigger crowd is set for Baltimore where her casket is being flown tomorrow.

I won't go into the details of what happened at the viewing but suffice it to say it was a bit emotional but more than that -- it was filled with happy people who were safe in the knowledge that she is now with her Lord whom she never forgot in her life. Nan was presented gloriously in her silver casket. She looked like she was just sleeping and happy. The best part was seeing her great grandchildren (almost quietly) milling about the room and outside the building. They were happy to be with one another and gave comfort to those around them with their smiles and giggles. Nan would have been tickled to see them behave in a lively manner despite the circumstances that brought them together. She would have given them her ever present smile as she observed them.

Nan to me was the sweetest and kindest woman I have ever met in my life and in the world. She was indeed without guile and malice. Her life was dedicated to her family and to God. I remember she told me once that I had a sweet voice and that I would make a great nurse during those moments I spent time with her at my aunt's home. When she said these kind things I truly believed her. I will miss her presence and light.

Edna M. Fair
1914 - 2010

Love & Blessings,
Sprinkles xo
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Bargello Heart Warmed

2010-02-22T22:02:00.008-05:00

Repeating last week's events would not be as much fun as say......applying bandages to yourself and ripping them quickly off your body hoping the glue didn't take any hairs. Yes, it was so memorable that I will try to briefly comment.

Last Wednesday had me screaming and crying not only to my aunt but to my cousin Angie over a misunderstanding about my approach to my health. I am sure Angie enjoyed me screaming at her at 7:30am her time and abruptly hanging up on her when I sensed myself about to hyperventilate. This incident was over by the afternoon and everything was all good again.

The hospital nurse was not "all there". I had run out of my pain meds and it took an Act of Congress to contact the doctor to release the refill. To his credit, he was in surgery, etc. Tawny drove me to retrieve it from the hospital pharmacy. The nurse also forgot to mention my appointment for this week until I called her on a different matter a day later. There was another issue with my surgeon for his signature and notes to be faxed to my insurance so that my extension to go back to work (tentatively March 15th) would be approved and I would continue to get paid. This part was nerve wracking. It was faxed last minute on Friday afternoon.

Another concern was making sure my home health care to change my wound vac dressing was transferred from Brandon (suburb of Tampa) where my aunt lives to Tampa where I live. The nurse seemed to have a problem calling, etc. to confirm her arrival. Once she was here, she was okay. She came last Friday, too.

During all this I was trying to prepare for Kathy who was coming from Jacksonville to stay with me all weekend. This poor woman took down and put away my Christmas decorations. She also cleaned most of my apartment and drove me on a big grocery shopping trip. Where I am to put the excess food I don't know. Kathy also carted in packages of almond milk, hemp milk and other organic groceries when she arrived! Oh, she also gifted me a beige baseball cap with some shiny silver dots or bling on it that was in the image of skull and cross bones. Very cute! I wore it during my nap late Sunday afternoon. Hee.

AND -- In the middle of all this, my uncle Al from Germany had arrived on Tuesday evening as well as Angie from Los Angeles on Thursday to be with Nan. On early Saturday morning, Nan passed on to be with God. Everyone had been able to say goodbye. Kathy and Tawny accompanied me that evening to my aunt's home to be with everyone. My aunt and uncle looked relieved and tired, but were thankfully distracted for several moments by their smiling grandkids. Nan's Tampa service is tomorrow night. Her body will be flown Wednesday to Baltimore for another service on Thursday and then she will be buried next to her husband. My aunt and two uncles will go and meet the rest of Nan's grandkids in Baltimore as well as her old church family.

................................

I know I've been overdoing it. Today I tried my best not to, but I half succeeded. I moved furniture just a little (five inches here and there!)... My air conditioner had not turned itself off so I did because I got too cold. When I turned it on again later, it was not blowing cold air. For the first time I consciously used cancer to get the unit fixed immediately. My reasoning to them was not a lie and was supported by the visiting nurse. It yielded the desired results. Three hours is lightyear speed for this place.

The early evening held a pleasant surprise. My friend Kim, her husband and pretty dog Belle came to see me and dropped off the lap quilt Kim had made for me. The center had been completed for years; I had not found the time to get the binding sewn so she took it from me last week to finish. The colors are bright. I had a hand in picking out the fabric colors and of course it was a heart design in Bargello style. The details are best appreciated in the video below.

My tea is just right for drinking about now. I am going to sit in my favorite chair with my new quilt adorning my lap as I read a little. Sounds marvelous doesn't it?

Love,
Sprinkles xxoo

PS Let me not forget Jill who was first on the scene to offer her own sunshine when I ran out last Wednesday after venting my anger on facebook. ;p
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Back Home

2010-02-16T23:45:00.003-05:00

We struck while the iron was still hot around noon. My bags were packed and my uncle was ready to take me back to my apartment so he could drive back and be with Nan at the nursing home. It all happened pretty quickly. By this time, my pain meds were gone; the refill hadn't been approved by my doctor. I had spent a good amount of time packing everything and dropping a lot which meant I had to keep picking them up from the floor.

Approaching my apartment door was a surreal experience after being absent for over four weeks. The inside smelled the same. Christmas decorations were still emitting a jolly feeling for a holiday almost two months old. I had my uncle put my luggage and bags on top of my bed for easier access.

I made a couple of calls to reach Tawny to retrieve my car for a quick trip to the grocery store for cereal and milk. My uncle drove me a couple of buildings over. I could see that she was rushing to clean fast food cups from it. I was excited to be able to drive even though I hadn't been released to do so by my doctor. Tawny gave me a warm greeting and invited me to a casual spaghetti dinner at her apartment. She still had weekend guests. I accepted only if she would pick me up because my energy level would be depleted by that time.

Driving hadn't changed my impatience and temper with other drivers. Ha. I felt a slight headache but hoping my sunglasses would shield the bright sun assaulting my eyes that had been hiding indoors. The trip to the grocery store made me uneasy since I had to walk by myself without my walker/stroller. I quickly waved to a clerk collecting carts in the parking lot to give me one which I clutched in front of me for support as I made my way inside. Noticing that other shopper's curious eyes zeroed in on my small shoulder bag holding my wound vac battery and canister made me feel conspicuous. The long clear plastic hose attached to it and me was wound around my right forearm while the rest of it dangled from it. I tried not to take offense.

My most disheartening moment was realizing that making it to the produce section of the store for fresh fruit seemed too far to walk even though it was about four aisles away. By this time, I had already been meandering for about 20 minutes. My concern was conserving my energy for the drive home and not feeling too achy.

When I finally made it home, I realized that I would need help to redress the bed so I called Kimmee to see if she was in her office. Luckily she was and stopped hours later with her dog Belle. I was able to eat lunch, re-launder my sheets for freshness and enjoy a nap before they arrived. Soon my bed was redressed and numerous decorative pillows were arranged on top of the duvet. Belle captured my attention while Kimmee and I chatted in my living room. Her little heart breaker was attention seeking but made not a sound and instead just focused her big brown round eyes on me commanding me to keep petting her. Minx.

The casual spaghetti dinner was great! I had the best time hanging out with some of my friends and meeting new ones. My plate was full twice (piggy Sprinkles!) and I scarfed a nice slice of ice cream cake when it was served. I did take one small tasting sip of butterscotch martini which was a like ambrosia and made me feel like little girl being allowed a forbidden taste. It was almost 11pm when Tawny zoomed me around the corner. Hot tea and my bed beckoned after a big day back. I ignored my aches that were making themselves known. Being in my own space just felt too good.

[Possum was correct -- I am the most sociable sick person I know!]
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Crazy Stuff

2010-02-15T23:44:00.005-05:00

Is it bad form for your male nurse to laugh and welcome your biting, filthy curse words as he strips the lower dressing from your wound that just happens to overlap onto your pubic mound? OR is it in bad form for your AGOL to welcome his laughing response to the unexpected pain of having hairs ripped from her tender part while she utters filth? Just can't decide for myself really. At least I can say my sexuality has not suffered.

I am going to miss my male nurse very much. He made me laugh and we had fun during our flirty banter. His face seemed a bit saddened that today could be our last encounter. It all depends on if I can have my uncle help me move my things back to my own apartment in the next day. I have much more than a two suitcases and my walker/stroller that I barely use now for its intended purpose...

On a more serious note, my family has been dealing with the downturn of Nan's health. You may recall my favorite q-tip, my uncle's mother. In the last couple of months she has been in and out of the emergency room when she is not being assisted at the nursing home. Even with the enormous care and love my aunt and uncle have given her, she is just not improving. Ultimately, they have not failed her -- it is her 95-year old body that is failing her.

Tomorrow night my uncle's youngest brother Al is flying from Germany and will be staying about a week to say his goodbyes. I pity him because he has not seen her deterioration and will have the shock of his life when his eyes finally comprehend her state. She is under the watchful eye of Hospice at the nursing home. With the exception of a breathing tube, she is not being given anything unless it is a dissolveable (?) pain pill under her tongue when she is moved.

The whole thing has been a deep strain on my aunt and uncle hence my reticence to press for my own agenda. My own situation has my aunt worrying though she understands I am far better than I was four weeks ago. Truth be told I am left with no choice if I am to reduce my own stress. My male nurse recorded a high blood pressure reading for me today which worries me because my last few readings have gradually worsened.

Today it all started with me not being able to wash clothes properly on my own today because of my aunt's washing machine followed by other things before my nurse's visit. In fact, I was in the middle of listening to a meditation song on youtube when he knocked on the door. It was my last ditch effort to reduce the stress I was feeling while thinking about everything in the house and my upcoming chemo preparations and treatments. So much for nothing. Sigh.

Meanwhile, I am requesting that you please say a small prayer for Nan that her passing to go back to God is peaceful and that she feels our love as she makes her transition. Many thanks. xxoo
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My Funny Valentine

2010-02-14T18:31:00.001-05:00

My new Flip UltraHD Camera is the best! It was a birthday gift from my cousin Angie and her best male friend Alfred. This afternoon I was able to shoot a video while I moved into poses (read as "awkward camera moments"). From there my camera's USB was hooked to my laptop. The brilliant software already installed inside the camera enabled me to go frame by frame and choose shots I enjoyed enough to share before finishing them in Picasa.

Sprinkles Confession: Due to impending chemo cocktail happy hours, I feel a mad rush to take these pics before I become "unphotographable" and my body "less than Greek".

Triple threat: 1) Good enough shot; 2) Official Pic; and 3) The one my aunt likes because I am a little smiley - ew!

Sepia Sprinkles...? Love it!

Loving this combo of Sting singing to his wife Trudie and sexy hottie Chris Botti on trumpet. Very romantic!

More love,
Sprinkles xxoo
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Happiest Valentine's Day!

2010-02-14T01:48:00.004-05:00

LOVE ♥ - It's not how many people you love and not how many people who love you back...It's about the quality of love you give to the world because realizing the quality of love you are receiving back is the most awesome! God blesses me because I am receiving the best love of my life this last month.

Thank you!

Spread love = Happiest Valentine's Day!

(Taken from my trip to California last summer. We made a quick nosh stop at the Sprinkles Cupcake Bakery in Beverly Hills right before Angie dropped me off at the Los Angeles International Airport. You can almost eat a whole one -- too rich!)

All My Love,
Sarah Sprinkles
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How I Roll

2010-02-11T20:42:00.000-05:00

Chalene Johnson is an inspirational fitness instructor. I first heard about her through Beach Body where her video set called "Turbo Jam" is sold. I've owned a set her videos for more than a year. It is the most fun you can have exercising at 5am; however, due to the progression of my dis-ease, I was forced to abandon my exercise routine months ago.

One of her blog videos summed up how I am dealing with my dis-ease. She talked about the difference between merely surviving and conquering situations in your life. Basically anyone who is still alive after traumatic situations survives it and is a survivor. Those who take charge and own the situation conquer and become conquerors. This label being special and unique as it denotes owning the situation rather than merely enduring.

This brings me to the last couple of days. My last post was about my new haircut which I love more each day. Yesterday was my rescheduled doctor visit -- it was supposed to be tomorrow but my doctor had other plans. Tawny was unable to take me because she had an interview in the morning. Luckily for Sprinkles, Tawny's husband Jeff volunteered to drive me as he had already taken the day off for other things.

My doctor took off the rest of the tape strips across my stitches and decided to leave on my wound vac dressing. He could see that I was progressing nicely and in great spirits. His next words brought me back a little. Chemotherapy was on his mind -- more importantly, me being part of a clinical drug trial. I was thrilled to be able to help or so I thought.

Minutes later I was being briefed by a nurse about the clinical trial. It would involve including an additive to the chemo mix I would be infused with during the next several months; otherwise, it could be a placebo because of the blind testing they were conducting. The more she talked, the more I was slightly dismayed and quite horrified at the side effects not to mention the extra CT scans, etc. She piled on a bunch of brochures and pamphlets for me to read and to assist me in making a decision very soon.

Jeff drove us to get a late breakfast before he took me home. I discussed the doctor's visit. We are of the same mind of helping science progress; however, I was just not fully on board inside. It was my uncle who helped me feel better about the decision not to participate. He reminded me that I am a single person with a single income living by myself and that I have a responsibility not only to myself but to work (for income). It would be different if someone would be there in the middle of the evening next to me to help me should I have adverse reactions. His words resonated and my inner voice reminded me that I have already donated my tumor to them for research so it wasn't a complete "no" to the progression of science. Tomorrow I get to tell them...

Today I visited my workplace to speak with HR and to tell my boss about my tentative date to get back to work on March 15th. My surgeon wants me to have one interval of chemotherapy before I go back to work to see how I react to the chemicals. I won't lie -- I was a bit depressed to wait longer to resume my job. He also told me that I would lose my hair pretty quickly. Nice. In an odd note, I will get a prescription for a wig to be paid by my insurance. I would like it soon so I can have it styled to what I have now. I will temporarily assume the persona of Telly Savalas. As soon as chemo is done, I will grow my hair again and wait to get extensions when they are long enough to hold them. Yes, Shallowville never ever sleeps in Sprinklesville! Hee.

Back to the work visit...Everyone seemed stunned to see the new Sarah. I've lost 38 pounds now since the surgery a month ago which obviously makes a big difference in how I look. The new haircut didn't help them either. Ha!

It is my responsibility to set the tone when meeting people after my surgery and my tone is almost always effervescent. This made today's visit fun. There were a couple of people treating me with a "pity approach" in their way of trying to be sensitive. How I detest this!!! It just drives me crazy with annoyance. Pity is not me. To iterate, we are approaching this dis-ease with a project plan (July completion date) and with humor. If you are not on board with that, then I cannot associate with you. I will be goddamned if I spend the next several months mewling and walking around half dead in spirit and in body. I am set to conquer this and not merely survive. Dis-ease is not a reason to give up, look ugly and lose your humor. I am making every effort for health and beauty. We all respond to positivity. That is HOW I ROLL.

Love and Health,
Sprinkles xxoo

PS I am going back to my apartment either Monday night or sometime Tuesday barring unforeseeable circumstances. I have a "honey do" list that my girlies will be helping me complete as I progress in the best of health.
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New Do

2010-02-09T22:38:00.005-05:00

My hair received the cut I have been planning for weeks and I love it! Tania, my stylist, was loathed to make the cuts needed to achieve the shorter look. She seemed sad until I encouraged her and turned it into a positive thing by reminding her that I was cutting away old energy and that I was looking forward to a sexy new look.

Here is the carnage on the floor. From the longest point in the back to the shortest section in the back was about a 12-inch cut. Tawny teased that some of the clumps on the floor resembled small dogs. Silly girl.

This is not the official photo. This is the "It is 10pm and I am too tired to brush the hair and take a more proper and flattering photo". Ugh -- you can't even see the dark red color just a dark color. Tawny says I look like a Japanese anime character and is waiting for me to have blue streaks in it. The odd thing is that doesn't feel short in the back. My aunt was sure startled when she saw me because I do look like my mother. I did forewarn her; the resemblance was just too much.

After our salon visit, Tawny and I made a brief stop to use my gift card to buy Bare Minerals make-up. We then zoomed to one of my favorite clothing stores for Tawny to buy an alternative interview blouse. Instead she found a nice autumn green shirt and a lacy black camisole she can wear underneath other blouses. My clothes are three sizes too big now -- it feels like I am wearing my big sister's clothes. I only had enough energy to buy a new top and a pair of jeans WITH proper buttons and zip. No elastic waistband!!! Ha. Since we were meeting some work friends at a bar, I wore my new clothes out of the store and Tawny exchanged her shirt for the green one, too.

Oh -- I must tell you this: When Tawny emerged from the dressing room, she thought she lost me. She was afraid that I had already left to go to the car. With my new haircut and clothes, she didn't recognize me at the counter waiting for her!

Within minutes we were at the appointed meeting place near work where I had my co-workers, who hadn't seen me since I left on leave, gawking with disbelief. They said I looked great, but definitely different. We were all very happy to be reunited again. I may see more of them when I visit the office on Friday. Man, did I get very tired by then, but it was worth it to be milling around doing things I would normally do. I felt alive again.
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Papaya Goddess

2010-02-07T23:36:00.001-05:00

Go on. Gaze at my Papaya Goddess as she raises her arms in front of the setting sun. Feel her power and admire her.

Around the time of my surgery was one of the coldest snaps in Florida history. Parts even had snow flurries in the darkest part of the morning which melted once it reached the ground. Our citrus industry as well as other fruits like strawberries were seriously threatened. Farmers worked hard to save their crops. About a third of the crops suffered casualties.

I emerged six days after my surgery to discover a land I didn't recognize painted with the dark beige of decay on grass, trees and shrubbery. A quick round by my apartment to pick up mail brought a large measure of dismay at the sight of decay that greeted Tawny and me as we drove through the gate entrance where lush greenery had once welcomed all who entered. It was the same in my aunt's neighborhood. Her own treasured fruit trees looked like they might never recover.

Weeks have passed and from the chair I spend most of my days watching television or snoozing from the narcotics, I can see my aunt's papaya tree that had been ravaged by the cold. It has metamorphosed into the picture I've shared with you. It appears to be a woman raising her arms with either triumph or outrage depending on how you feel at that particular moment. She is no longer a lush tree; however, she stands before the sun proud and unyielding just waiting for her chance to grow large branches of leaves to shield the eventual promise of blooming flowers that will peek underneath. With God's grace, she will live and bear fruit again. So go on -- gaze at her.
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Fluctuations

2010-02-06T20:52:00.006-05:00

To tell you that I am a little miffed at not being to update my blog for the last couple of days is an understatement. The road to health can have its bumps especially when there are other people involved. In this case, it was a nurse overeager to demonstrate her prowess in front of a trainee at changing the dressing for my wound vac which resulted in me being miserable for two days.

Long story short: It was "installed" on my person incorrectly. The negative pressure fluctuated incessantly. The only way the beeping and alerts would quiet down was when I was laying down horizontally on my bed. This was even after they came back a second time to tweak the hose connections the following day. Another nurse changed it properly on the third day thank God! The best news out of this whole ordeal is that my wound is healing very well.

Anyhoo... After a phone convo to firm up a visit from Possum last Thursday, she had remarked that I was the busiest and most sociable sick person she new. Ha! Last weekend Kimmee and Kathy each visited me. On Tuesday, I bribed Tawny into sneaking me out for a spell. We started with a seafood lunch at a favorite Greek place followed by manicures and pedicures at my salon where I received a warm welcome for coming back from surgery.

Next Tuesday I am getting a drastic hair cut; it will be short in the back to follow a long angle towards the front. A reverse bob or something like that....? I'll post a picture when I do one of my self-portrait pics. A tinge of sadness creeps in every now and again as I think of how long it is now and how patient I've been at growing it the last couple of years. This act is to both cut away "old energy" from the new woman I am becoming as well as to prepare for what might be a by-product of chemotherapy treatments, hair loss. It isn't something to be really sad about considering the state of the world. I think the new "do" will be a hot look on Sprinkles. After all, why be boring? Other people (IE numb, faceless plebeians) have it covered...

My dad and stepmother were supposed to visit at the end of this month. They had planned on visiting me and my three other sisters on the way down from Chicago. All is now postponed as my stepmother is getting breast cancer surgery on Monday. She has a small lump that is stage one and will have to receive radiation treatments. Freakish isn't it? Cancer is prevalent in most people's lives nowadays. That's the way the cookie crumbles I guess.

On a much lighter note, here is a photo of my pedicure. I live in Florida where a bit of floral whimsy is expected on nails. Yes, that is a viable reason! This cheered me considerably and makes me giggle every time I see it. The feet may not be dainty -- how can US size 10 cement blocks be sexy? -- but I think they are still cute!

Kisses,
Sprinkles
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